SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry for the t/j SD

But I just have to thank josiep for this bit, made my day.

I'm still in the stumbling phase of referring to him as my husband and then I say something banal like, "oops, I keep forgetting he's my ex now." So one day I said something about "when I was still married" and the person looked at me and I said "he's gone now" and they started to express sympathy and I felt really silly having to say that no, no, he's just gone to TX to live with his H.S. girlfriend of 50 years ago. They go from picturing him as a decrepit old man to a stud to a pathetic loser who has started combing his hair over.

I, of course, still think of him as a Rat Bastard. :)

Hell, I am happier now than I have ever been. Certainly an even better dad to 2PP, and nothing makes me happier than being a good dad to them.

How can something this good come out of something as awful as your W cheating on you and all the destruction that that causes.

Ohfor....once again we are exactly on the same page here. This is exactly how I feel. I know for a fact I’m a better Dad than I ever was (random strangers tell me I’m a good Dad....that never happened when I was married)

But I also would like to think I’m a better person.

My parents have been saying this from Dday “Although this will be the most difficult thing you overcome, when you come out the other side you will see this was a blessing in disguise!”

I am definitely with you two on this. Freedom is so awesome!! Never thought I would get to this place and still have bad days here and there and new relationship angst as well but it really is so much better than I could have imagined it would be!

My husband was a stay at home dad so naturally people gave him the credit for our boys' nice manners and all. Now that I am a single mom, I hear how well I have raised them more often. It's nice. I do not discount the influence my husband had but I raised them too. It feels good to get some of the credit.

Regarding the response to the divorce question:

I have found that the kindest thing people can say when they find out you are divorced is "I'm sorry to hear that, divorce is difficult". And move on, enough said.

The most awkward thing people can say is "oh my gosh, what happened?!"

Surprisingly, I do want people to say something. It's like the elephant in the room.

I have a variety of responses for casual friends or acquaintances who ask why. Currently, I just say "For 25 years he told me I was his type. Turns out I wasn't."

If people ask if I'm married, I have a couple of answers:

1. I'm in a relationship (because I am in a new exclusive relationship and I don't want to give someone the wrong idea.

2. I'm separated from my common law spouse. I was never married, so merely saying "separated" sounds like I'm still married, perhaps pending divorce.

3. I'm single - I used this before I was in a relationship. It was true and easier than going into the separated from a common law relationship song and dance.

If someone asks why, I simply state that he found someone else. It's short and sweet and I don't have to spell it out for them. Yeah, cheating on me was a shitty thing to do, but it's past. I don't want to go into the details of why my ex made my life feel like a Jerry Springer episode for several months. The only time I would go into it would be to support someone who is going through it.

(I also went through the early "confessional" stage of telling a lot of people - my boss, my fellow commuters, my friends).

At some point anyone you have more than an acquaintance with is going to know you are divorced. If they ask why just tell them things didn’t work out and both of you have moved on. If the questions get more personal you have the right to ask them why they want to know. Put the thing back on them. Being concerned is one thing. Being nosey is another.

This is a great thread. I've been thinking about what I'm going to say. I just recently started reaching out to a couple of my cousins. My cousin's wife had an affair and up and left him and his two young kids. I haven't told my father yet. We recently lost an uncle on my father's side and I didn't want to bring it up at a time when the whole family was feeling the loss of his passing.

I don't want to paint my WW as a monster. Yes, she did an awful thing. But I can also see that she's a very flawed person. I see the good that she does and the shame she feels. But her thinking process is not in line with mine at all. Sometimes I think I'm the monster for making her want to leave.

Like everyone here, sure we had problems in our marriage. But she did the unthinkable and didn't want to put any effort into cleaning up her mess or repairing the marriage.

Also, thank you josiep for that awesome story.

Like everyone here, sure we had problems in our marriage. But she did the unthinkable and didn't want to put any effort into cleaning up her mess or repairing the marriage.

I think this is a phenomenal way of summing up what happened. At least for me and my story, it is....hope you don’t mind if I use this squid

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 1:10 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]

hope you don’t mind if I use this squid

Feel free!

I made sure to tell my close friends and mutual friends and family- I didn't go into detail but I did say- we are divorcing because he's been cheating on me for 5 years. that seems to be enough! if anyone outside of that main circle asks that will be my answer- he's not going to walk away with everyone thinking it was my fault or thinking he's the great guy everyone thinks he is....that's not happening.

No one really asks me, but I don't hide that I am divorced. I talk about my kids and people can see i'm not wearing a ring. Or i'll mention that my kids are at their mom's house (which obviously wouldn't be our home). As others have said, I'm not controlled by the A anymore. It happened to me and had a profound affect. But i've moved on.

I don't tell people details until I know them. All of my friends know what happened, so I don't hide things from anyone.

This was hard for me when I was newly divorced. Very few people IRL know about his A because I didn’t want to share. It felt too new and too personal.

In the early days, I’d just tell people we were divorcing/divorced. People sometimes asked and I usually told them marriage is complicated and he wasn’t capable of being the husband I needed and deserved. I never ‘announced’ the divorce to people via social media or in most social settings. Mostly I just told those who needed to know (family, close friends, my staff) that we were divorced and I appreciated their support and respect for privacy for myself and my kids. Slowly word spread among others, and now I think most people in my life know.

I still occasionally get the, “I thought you were married?!?” reaction. At this point, it’s water under the bridge and I usually just tell people we’re divorced and rarely get questions.

I tell people no I'm divorced. Which usually earns me an "oh I'm sorry". I tell them I'm not and I'm glad its over.

I am early enough in my newly single life that occasionally I run across someone who doesn't know who asks me how my wife is. I simply tell them ex wife and that she's no longer my problem.

Interesting question and responses!

In my experience, it is very rare that someone asks why. Once a nurse (probably used to being up in people's business, lol) asked me this casually on the way to lunch, so I gave her my most honest answer: It was painful and fresh, and I wasn't up for talking about it right now. She respected that.

I am taken aback when people ask what happened. Maybe because I took it so hard, the question itself is kinda violating.

My vote is to fight awkward with awkward and toss the ball back in their court. Once a decent person is caught in a faux pas like that, they usually apologize and drop it. Just say you don't want to answer their question, nicely.

It's a totally different story if someone isn't just being nosy. In those cases, I usually say it was abandonment since that covers my situation a bit better. It's also apparently less scandalous because people tend not to ask follow-up questions after that.

[This message edited by litost at 1:16 AM, April 7th (Saturday)]