SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I agree that it is highly likely that he is aware of my A, but we have not sat down and discussed the details. And while I do believe it will be necessary for reconciliation, I don't understand the point of spilling that now if we are truly over..

Because it gives him the respect and dignity of knowing the truth of what happened in his marriage. Trying to control information and what he believes to be true about you is part of the brain wiring that enabled you to betray him. Continuing to deny him that information is keeping the that brain wiring alive and well. The only way to change it is to challenge the old wiring again and again by making different choices. When you feel the urge to self-protect by lying, that is when you most need to tell the truth. Lying is shielding against feeling vulnerable. It's shielding against the uncomfortable feeling of uncertainty about how the information might change the way people view you. By continuing to lie, you are still trying to control the outcome.

Infidelity and its aftermath places us in a crucible, which is a little ceramic cup that chemists put different materials into and then heat it up. It's hot in there, but by staying in the heat the materials can transform into something completely different. Without the heat, no transformation. Keeping yourself comfortable (or the least uncomfortable you can be) is not going to serve you. Start by reading those two books and finding a new therapist. I too had a therapist during the affair that gave me the "do what energizes you and makes you happy" advice. She did not do me any favors.

It will take courage to walk this path, but the good news is that courage is not something you have, it's something you cultivate by doing courageous things. The more you do, the more courageous you will become. You get courage by couraging. You can do this.

Proceed with conviction and valor.

I think you have been in two minds for a long time and that itself is not healthy. The affair partners normally are very good at keeping things rosy and that lead to more confusion. Since you feel down, I think it is better to have a talk, partly business like about what the filing has caused you to realize and the benefit of getting the family together. You can gauge whether he still has any emotional connections to you from his response. I hope you have some feelings for him otherwise you should not push him solely for the sake of keeping the family together.

@goalong

I did sort of already have this "talk" with BH. He seemed indifferent. I can tell he is hurt because he immediately put up his walls of "I am not interested in being anything other than your friend/co-parent right now, but I am happy for you that you are changing your life" He also said he does not know what the future holds for us, and while I know that is no where near a promise, it is still not a "I wouldn't be with you again if you were the last person on earth." He has definitely been more friendly since we talked, but clearly isn't running to break things off with his current GF, and I wouddln't expect that, of course. I guess I am just trying to say, I don't feel like it's a closed door, and I want to get myself healthy again and see if we can make it work. We used to be so happy together. I do still love him. I have just been trying to stop loving him because I thought I'd ruined our marriage. Everything bad in our relationship is related to the affair.

Evolvingsoul-

Thank you so much for your positivity. I do understand that I may not have a chance to get my husband back, but regardless I know I still must pursue healing in myself.

The continued lying perspective makes a lot of sense, and while that sounds absolutely terrifying right now, I am going to start processing what that would look like. He does deserve that closure and eventual happiness. He is an amazing guy, and I hate to feel like he has to bring all this damage into his future relationships.

Just checked out some reviews on those books. They both look really good. Any thoughts on which to read first? I will also check with my new counselor tomorrow, and see if she has an opinion. :)

I guess I should add that my BH & AP work together. A big reason I am hesitant to reveal the truth about the affair now (or soon). Thoughts?

Everything bad in our relationship is related to the affair.

^^^That's a good start

See how wanting to control the outcome works? You don't want a blow up. You don't want one of them to have to quit their job. You don't want them to have to work together and see each other knowing the truth of things. You want...You don't want...

I remember this feeling. Running all the simulations in my brain, sussing out all the ways things could turn out and what people might think of me if they knew and what that would mean was true about me.

I lied so much because of what I wanted and didn't want people to believe about me. It was liberating and scary as fuck all to just let it all go and let the truth be known. I was a mess but the one thing I was able to hang onto was the rock of truthfulness. I not only stopped telling new lies I went back and corrected every old lie I could remember telling. It was embarrassing but with every lie I corrected I got a little piece of my integrity back and I built my little life raft of integrity to buoy me up when the storms came and the emotional waters were churning.

You have to let go of the outcome and fall on your sword. Only then can you begin to rebuild yourself.

You are insanely wise Evolvingsoul. Lol Can I ask how long it took you to decide to tell your spouse the truth about your affair, and how long after you decided to tell him did you follow through with it? I know everyone's story is different, but I am barely trying to learn what is normal behavior for people in this situation.

Just checked out some reviews on those books. They both look really good. Any thoughts on which to read first?

I would start with the Pema book and start a meditation practice as soon as possible. You don't have to completely understand how and why it works for it to help. Just doing it can have a positive effect. Getting an app like Headspace or Calm can facilitate the process too. They provide guided meditations and I used them for a while but now I just have a timer that makes a gong sound at the start of the session and one at the end.

Once you've got the meditation practice up and running, then dig in on the Brené stuff. She's got a few books but they are all rooted in her work in understanding shame and vulnerability. Her work was a serious game changer for me.

Personally I usually have three books going at once. One that's more "western" based like the Brené books, one that's more "eastern" based like the Pema stuff and one that's just junky mind candy fantasy. I absorb as much as I can and then switch over to junky mind candy for a bit while I try to process and percolate the thicker stuff. I typically go through a book more than once. Depending on what kind of a learner you are you might want to go audio over text but I find it works best for me if I switch back and forth between them.

Rewiring your brain really is a big undertaking. It takes a long time and you keep circling back through the same thoughts, words and deeds of the past as you gain new perspective from which to view those things. The pieces fall into place one at a time, and then all in a rush, and then back to a trickle. The important thing is not to give up the work.

Hang in there, sis. You can do this.

Can I ask how long it took you to decide to tell your spouse the truth about your affair, and how long after you decided to tell him did you follow through with it? I know everyone's story is different, but I am barely trying to learn what is normal behavior for people in this situation.

Well I was in a weird situation because I was having an EA in plain sight. AP was someone I brought into our lives as a "friend" and my BS put up with a lot from me and from AP because he trusted me and AP was someone he could not remotely fathom me having a sexual interest in. He thought AP was interested in that and would jump at the chance and that one day he would make a move on me and cross the line and then I would see what a dick he really was and would tell BS about it and together we would boot AP out of our lives permanently. He had no way of knowing that the line had already been crossed but AP's presence in our lives grated on him and his gut was screaming at him that something wasn't right. He kept ignoring it based on his trust in me and it literally made him sick.

D-day came not because he discovered the physical affair but because he just wasn't going to share me any more. One day I was heading over to AP's house and he called me and said "come home now, or don't come home at all. If it's the second one, be prepared to get your stuff out of our house by Monday (it was Friday) because that's when I'm giving it to goodwill. I'm done living this way."

I just melted down. I thought I loved both BS and AP (I know now that I didn't really love either of them by the way I was treating them, my understanding of love was pretty skewed) and I really did not want to live without either of them. BS went to work that night (he worked overnights then) and the next day when he came home he started pressing me and I still didn't want to admit what had actually been happening with AP. I had another meltdown and took off in my car and spent about 6 hours sitting in a park trying to figure out what to do. When I walked back to my car, I had about 10 messages from my sister whom BS had called because he was worried about me driving around in such an emotional state. I called her and she convinced me that I needed to come to where she was (another state away) and take some time to figure out what to do. Because I was going to have to decide. If I didn't offload AP, BS was walking away. And I didn't want to decide. Not at all.

So I bought time by going to stay with my parents. I told my sister everything and she unwittingly told BS about the physical nature of the relationship, as she thought he knew. I spent several days at my parents, writing, talking on the phone with that not-helpful therapist, making pro/con lists, I really could not see at that time that the choice was not BS/AP but rather it was mental health/not mental health.

When I got back from that trip, BS and I went away for a few days to a place neither of us had been before and that's when I spilled the whole truth. I told him not only about the relationship with AP but about all the other online sexting encounters I had had before AP. I had been very involved in an online roleplaying game (addicted, let me be honest) and it was in that environment that I had several characters and "in game" relationships that involved text sex, for lack of a better word. AP started as one of those and then it spilled over outside of the game and finally into my "real" life. There were maybe a dozen people that I could remember. It would be a long time before I began to recognize other relationships and behaviors that didn't involve sex but were still inappropriate and boundary crashing but in that hotel room I barfed out everything I could think of at that time could be construed as cheating. That was when he said the "THANK GOD" thing.

So I guess you could say he forced my hand to give up the affair but I think I probably could have continued to lie about everything else and also the extent and nature of the PA with AP and he would have believed me. Even when we got back from that trip I was ambivalent about staying in the marriage but I did meet with AP and told him I needed to go NC with him for at least 6 months so I could try to see if things with BS could be salvaged. It was a big melodramatic parting with lots of tears and "I'll always love yous." (body cringing right now remembering it) I found SI about a week later, read the recommendation for the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, bought it and started reading. And I started seeing myself on those pages...and had a bit of an "Oh my god..." moment as I began to get the first inkling that the feelings of being star-crossed lovers and soulmates were really common for affair partners and likely weren't real. That was the first small brain rewire I experienced. That's why educating yourself about the true nature of infidelity and how it impacts the people involved is important.

Alright, this was a pretty long answer but I guess the "too long didn't read" answer is the big spill was about 2 weeks after that first ultimatum by BS with additional spills coming later as I began to understand what healthy boundaries look like and how I had really not had a single wall up around our marriage when it came to relating to people who were potential sex partners.

Okay that's really it!

Gently, What makes you think that your H would be enough for you this time around? To me, it seems like you don't really want him,but you just don't want him to be with anyone else.

So what would make it different this time? He's the same guy that wasn't enough for you the first time around.

All things are possible. That is true. That is why I said slim.

EvolvingSoul-

Wow! That is a lot. I appreciate you sharing those intimate details. I wonder how differently my situation would be if my BH had confronted me. I do believe I would have chosen him. All the what if's. So hard to think about. It sounds like your BH was willing to work things out after you admitted the A?

GoldenR-

I am having a hard time answering that TBH. I want to defend myself, but I obviously have something messed up in my head if I was capable of having an affair on my husband. I truly want to get better though. Like I said, I am just starting this journey. Best response I can come up with is that I think he always was enough. I just thought the grass was greener on the other side. I think it would be different because I have learned the hard lesson of losing him due to my selfish behavior. I would never want to put him or our family through that again, and I believe I would cherish him for giving me the opportunity to love him again.

You have hard road ahead of you. Once he knows the truth, he's going to be angry. Very angry, Bc he will realize that he had no clue as to why his marriage was blowing up, which means he never had a chance to truly fight for it, or to detach immediately and gtfo and away from you.

I wish you luck.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 1:56 AM, April 17th (Tuesday)]

Joneswoman As WilliamM said chances are slim. Look up the story of Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs. I don't want to give false hope but there's is an interesting story. They also run a marriage ministry. Get yourself together first. You may just have to let this one go.

Quite frankly, and I'll be blunt, you are both dillusional and in denial.

"He was willing to forgive everything 4 months ago and give us another shot."

Ughhh. No. No. No.

He was not. I feel your wayward thinking is getting the best of you.

He did not give you another shot, because it was not all on the table. Before that decision could ever be made, don't you think he would want to know about the A? In all reality, youth robbed him of that choice by actively continuing to decieve him.

You said so yourself. Most of the problems came when you started your affair. This man tried to move on, not knowing the truth. He then gave you another shot, not knowing the truth. Quite frankly he deserves better.

I'm a fWH turned BS 5 years later. I gave my fWW another chance post A, not knowing the whole truth. You know how long it lasted? 8 months. The truth always comes out, and when it does, you better be prepared for the good byes.

You have a longgggggg way to go. You are not a safe partner for anybody at the moment.

The kindest thing would be to let him know he should be tested for STDs if you slept with both of them in the same time period and then let him move on with his life while you work on healing the parts of you that allowed you to behave in this way. If you are meant to be, you will end up together again one day,

You truly do need to confess to your husband.

It will at least give him a peace of mind.

When my wife's affair started up, I thought I was going insane.

I had never suffered from anxiety or depression. I couldn't find a reason for it.

The day (months later) that I discovered the affair, my anxiety completely left me.

You can never know what he is or was going through. I'll guarantee he's felt the symptoms though. No matter how hard you tried to hide it, I'm sure something didn't add up.

I had read all the signs of cheating. My wife did everyone of them.

But, probably like your husband, I believed my wife would never do something like that. After all, we were devout Christians (still are).

The pain of that kind of betrayal is like nothing I've ever felt. What made it worse was even after I found out, there was so much denial and blame shifting.

You say you're a Christian. If you are truly conflicted, then do what's right.

You already know what's right. There's really nothing more we can tell you. Lying is wrong. Lying by omission is wrong.

Your H is probably still confused as to why he lost the 1 person in the world he could trust with his life.

Do what's right.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 6:16 AM, April 17th (Tuesday)]

Your story reads a lot like how my XWW wanted our marriage to play out. She wanted to drag things out,keep me hanging until she "figured things out". I was clueless what the issue was....figure what out?! And then I caught her. I told her not to come home. She acted tough, said she didn't want to. 6 months later when the shine wore off their land of unicorns and rainbows, she announced she was coming home.

I laughed at her and she was shocked that I didn't want her there.

With you, you were never caught. And you got to complete your test drive with your AP without your H finding out.

The thing is....you don't even love him. You admitted it here. Like my wife, you've decided to implement your backup plan: your H. But let me tell you, no man wants to be his wife's plan B. And you'll have hell convincing him he's not, because he most definitely is.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 7:09 AM, April 17th (Tuesday)]