SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes, how could she give something so special to you away so easily?

Her mind went somewhere else that's how. And now your mind must go somewhere else. She's not that person with you that she was with him. Can you see what you have as something so much more valuable and different. Beyond sex, beyond the basic need.

For me, I think about how I see that part of our lives in the spectrum of everything we are. I think time is a healer there. You will never have in your mind what you had before. But, maybe it will be even better one day. If I think about what they did, if I think about is he thinking about it, it ruins everything. I try and focus on the present and making that the best it can be.

Betrayed here....and Mr. Uxor gave and recieved with the xCOW pretty much the same. She was married too. Worse in some ways, because he saw signs that there were other men besides himself, and he told himself "Impossible....she says I am soooo special, so there can't be" Turns out there was. Easier in some ways, because I could throw his stupidity in his face because of that.

So...why did I stay? How did I deal/cope?

Besides the ineffective hysterias where I ranted about those details (Which didn't help), where I pointed out that I did everything the xCOW did and more? (only made the logic even more confusing) Where I pointed out every bad thing he ever said about her husband he had become, and worse? (Wait....that one actually DID work.)

I go back to some basic, and maybe they will or won't work for you, because each situation is different.

1. Mr. Uxor didn't want me to leave, had never wanted to lose me (I know - makes no sense), and even told the xCOW that even if he now had to anticipate me leaving him, he would not make a plan to leave me.

2. Mr. Uxor had accepted he was the one screwed up in the head, and was getting help.

3. Mr. Uxor also did the work of getting me help, because he is the one who screwed up my life, and endangered my own health and future.

4. Mr. Uxor did all the work and more that he was supposed to do to make progress in repairing our marriage.

5. I had decided that IF he could become the husband I deserved, it was worth working on.

6. Mr. Uxor did not ask me to mask or fake my pain, memories or triggers. I could say them and define them.

After a while, the need to do that faded as the edges were less sharp. Some things still come up, but we are able to talk about the calmly now, and I can say what I need for support.

NOTE That didn't make the images (I have seen all of them too) go away. The trauma not exist.

But I also know, those thoughts and images would have gone with me anyway, even if I left. Maybe some people's brains let go when they leave someone - mine retains vivid detail (I know this from deaths in my family).

If you look at the basics on why I stayed, above, do you see the foundation? It is Mr. Uxor's actions, NOT JUST WORDS, NOT JUST PLANS, but ACTIONS.

Mr. Uxor had to own his messed up mind, and work on it for me to join him in the work on us.

There is no reconciliation, without progress on the part of the wayward. There is no reuniting and dulling of the sharpness of those memories if the wayward is not doing the work and being accountable.

Because Mr. Uxor did the ACTION of committing to changing for a lifetime, it gave me the courage to face the pain of those thoughts, with him.

I hope you can find the answers you need, and that your spouse is on board with active progress.

[This message edited by uxorpatricius at 11:45 AM, April 24th (Tuesday)]

I think we all go through the mind movie phase. At some point, you just have to accept it was just sex. It was an extension of a flawed self image that she was trying to justify by proving she was wanted, attractive, desirable, or whatever.

I eventually came to terms with that part, however the emotional attachment proves to be more difficult, even after a decade. That always seems counter to the accepted myth that men can get over the physical part, and women never get over the emotional part. For me, it's the other way around. I think once the WW works on her reasons and herself, as to what allowed her to risk it, what part of her is screwed up, and that she sees it and has agreed to work on her issues, it becomes a bit easier.

She was trying to be Wonder Woman to impress this guy, the exciting bombshell, the sex goddess she sees in the movies. Whether is was for attention or thrills, or to be accepted into a social or work peer group. Find that reason. What need to impress the AP was there?

I tried to have mine spend just as much effort and sexual energy trying to convince me she is still desirable, if she can. Sometimes that backfires and the movies creeps in, but you have to do the emotional re-connection as you go.

It's a conscience re-building effort.

STBXH...Though I posted, I have to say, I think the men can give you the best advice. No matter what, we are wired differently on these. So, my situation and thoughts might give you some ideas or insight, but likely the match on what helps most, will come from the men.

We all get the mind movies (they suck!), but how we heal and cope with them may be a bit different.

(Kudos to the men for answering this one for him!)

Uxor

Thank you so very much for your beautifully craftier respinse. I'm trying every little and big thing to package this trauma in the smallest box possible. Yes we are certainly wired different but I completely respect a woman's view on this topic as well. In fact I read in another forum that oral sex was completely eliminated from the bedroom by choice of a female BS. She just couldn't put her mouth near him for what he has done. The "ickyness" of her WH's penis has destroyed that part of her sexual lexicon. So maybe we're not so different. I feel the same way. She exchanged fluids with him constantly and came home and kissed me. Kissed our kids. I would give her oral sex not knowing what she had done earlier that day. I cherished sex and derived great joy in the specialness of it. Now it's just sex. I mourn that feeling terribly.

Because

I'm so freaking sorry to hear your story. You are only 11 weeks in and have a far better grasp of this than me (at least you seem to). My humiliation stems from the fact that this OM got to have my wife anytime he wanted to. She would do amything with him he wanted.

She thrilled him and used the same sexual style with him. This is the most intimate of betrayals. The specialness of us is now gone forever.

Gmc94

Funny you posted about the plane of lethal flatness. I just read about it. This is not me. I actually wish that was me. In still very emotional and angry about the affair. In nowhere near "flat".

I understand how you are feeling. I had some real difficulty with sex after.

I had constant mind movies all day, everyday and more so during sex. I would see me as her, watching him. It was just awful. I felt nauseous during sex often. I felt panicky and so very sad.

I was left feeling like none of the sexual acts were in any way special between the two of us. It was just sex. I had to detach from the intimacy for quite a while.

My therapist hypnotized me to help me deal with eliminating mind movies. It certainly didn't happen immediately but over time, they began to disappear on their own.

I understand that EMDR is very helpful and usually has fairly quick results. I haven't done it.

I still have mind movies on occasion but I am able to put it out of my mind quickly now-specifically during sex.

I think of our m as a new M now and have been able to feel the intimacy in our sex life now. It took time and healing.

I don't think its something that your will be able to rush. If you don't feel like you can have sex with your wife then don't. She will need to understand your feelings. She caused the feelings and she needs to see the damage she did.

The only real advise I can give you is that it really will take a lot of time and healing.

Thank you deephurt (((hugs)))

The question of time is really a sore point with me. I hate feeling like I’m wasting it. I’m just not comfortable being uncomfortable.

I’m working towards the new reality I’m now facing. I was happy. I thought I was cherished. I thought we bonded in a way that was so strong that nobody could cone close to breaking it. My world has collapsed.

EMDR made me feel worse btw. It sharpened all my thoughts about the affair and solidified my feelings of pain. This is only me though. I know for a fact it has helped others thru their personal trauma.

Wanted to say that you are brave for trying for your kids considering all the pain you're in.

[This message edited by pureheartkit at 2:13 AM, April 25th (Wednesday)]

The awful thing is that you are so romantic and gentle about your feelings and cherished your bond with your wife. She didn't reciprocate and was able to separate her feelings from it. That's what some people are able to do.

I understand because I believe the special thing we had is gone for good. He destroyed it. It's like being robbed of something precious you can't replace. He found out that crazy sex had a lifelong scar attached. That scar was the thing between us that will always divide. It wasn't a good trade off. The crazy sex is over and the damage remains. He was on his way out and then learned what he really valued. Who knows, maybe he will hear the call of the siren again.

She's so nasty that if I think of it at all, it seems like I'll fall into going over and over it in my mind. So I don't because I can't fix it and we either get past it or I start over. I hope you find a way for your sake. I thought I had someone like minded and was mistaken. It hurts and some days I think I can adjust to the new reality and some days I don't.

I read in another forum that a BS vowed to never perform oral on her WH ever again. Sad.

This may have been me. I told WH this would never be happening again as long as we are together. To me, this is the most intimate act and I believe she was better than me. I'm having a very difficult time with this.

I’m working towards the new reality I’m now facing. I was happy. I thought I was cherished. I thought we bonded in a way that was so strong that nobody could cone close to breaking it. My world has collapsed.

Just like everyone else I thought my marriage was special. Wow, married 24 years and I was happier than I had ever been. I loved my husband and I loved my life. I was completely blindsided by the A. Had no idea WH was unhappy. We used to go places and I thought we were having a great time. Now I know it was all lies. My soul is crushed. I know everyone says it takes time and I'm only 6 months from Dday. I just can't imagine being happy again. It makes me so sad that I will never have that "special" relationship with my WH again.

stbxh, all women and men have a sexual past.

Some more than others. When we meet the one we do

not ask for details because we are avoiding

retroactive jealousy.

We marry the woman and have sex with her. We do not

care that she had sex before. We have no problem

having sex with her now.

We ignore the elephant in the room. Well the way

we ignore in that we do not dwell on her past

before we married her we need to ignore her affair.

Easy to say, though it can be done. You have to

train your mind to ignore the OM and the PA.

You are only seven months out. Recovery is a two

to five year process. Change happens so slow that

the healing is not noticed on a day to day basis.

I’m just not comfortable being uncomfortable.

Do you think you should be?

Are you avoiding the pain - grief, anger, fear, shame - that was dumped on you by your W?

Bro, you can't heal without facing and releasing your pain. You just can't.

You can stuff it. You can sweep it under a metaphorical rug. But you can't get away from it unless you face it and let it go.

That may be JMO, but unless countless observer are way wrong, it may actually be a fact.

The good part about being human, though, is that we know a lot about healing. I know the pain is scary, maybe even terrifying, but you can face it. You have the pain; it doesn't have you. Really.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:12 AM, April 25th (Wednesday)]

pureheart thank you so much. You seem to feel the same kind of way I do. It really helps me just knowing that people "get it".

mama, I totally get it. The intimacy thing is rough and I'm really disappointed that it has now changed forever. I liken it to winning the lotto (my marriage) and then my WW gives away all the money.

It's actually worse.

Oldtruck, thanks for the reply.

I will never subscribe to that reasoning. Before we were married she did have sex with other men. The only difference is I had no expectation of fidelity prior to my marriage and, more importantly, I had no special bond with my wife before we were married.

This sucks. I totally understand the 2-5 year thing right now. It's a daunting task.

Sisoon,

Nope. I'm sucking in all the pain and feeling it quite vigorously. I face everything in my life head on. I just was hoping that after 15 years of marriage this "problem" wasn't going to pop up. I just wasn't prepared and I'm learning how to cope as I go along.

Part of my issue is that I have never been with anyone other than my WH in my past. WE met in HS, he is a few years older and he was the only one I ever wanted to have sex with.

He did have a sexual history with a few others and it never bothered me and I didn't ask for details. And after DDay, i wanted the details of the previous ex's that i never cared about before. My IC said it was normal.

I am in a situation where my WH never has to think about me being with anyone else ever. Before we met and during our M, yet I have mind movies from his infidelities after we M. Its a complete mind fuck.

I asked if he ever considered that special in any way. That he gets to live a life with me a know that no one else has ever touched me in those ways. EVER. How incredibly awesome to not have those images dancing around your head all day, every day. He never thought about it before. Now, after he cheated for years, he thinks its special-yet I don't. I now feel like I missed out. I feel like I have been cheated out of everything special I thought we had in our M. He is the one that cheated and he NOW feels like he has something special

and everything I felt was special in our M is NOT.

Sorry to hear EMDR wasn't helpful. May I suggest the hypnosis? It didn't bring up anything specific for me but taught my brain to get rid of the images and thoughts that would pop up. It did become automatic over time. I sometimes have to go through the actions that I was taught but it comes to mind immediately to do it.

[This message edited by deephurt at 4:35 PM, April 25th (Wednesday)]

Deephurt

Now, after he cheated for years, he thinks its special-yet I don't. I now feel like I missed out. I feel like I have been cheated out of everything special I thought we had in our M. He is the one that cheated and he NOW feels like he has something special

and everything I felt was special in our M is NOT.

Wow. You nailed how I feel right on the head. Everything I thought about us was special (at least it was to me). My WW didn't stop having sex with me either. So I was lucky enough to share her.

I'm having real trouble with the sexual aspect of her A. It disgusts me that she had oral sex with him and he was inside her. And she loved it and came home and lied to me straight faced about it. I never got the chance to make a decision to have sex with her. She would come home and kiss me and the kids the same day she had him in her mouth.

It's disgusting and unfair. I'm literally taking antidepressants to cope with this trauma. I'm so sad that the specialness of our love life is gone forever.

Hypnosis didn't help me. The hypnotherapist said that the trauma was too fresh and I couldn't go under until I "stop the bleeding".

[This message edited by STBXH at 11:31 AM, April 26th (Thursday)]