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Glad to hear that you respect the boundaries others place on 2x4's Zug, but not all here do. I respectfully asked someone to please stop responding on my first post, only to have them reply yet again and confirm their behaviour was "bordering on harrassment". Some people just have thicker skin than others and some may need a more gentle approach. It is completely dependent on the person's ability to process negative information. Take what you need and leave the rest.

“It’s easy to stand on the pillar of righteous morality some years removed from DDay.

“Makes me wonder why you would view it that way”

Probably because you two see things different!!

It’s so easy for a WS years out to throw out 2 x 4s to a newbie. Because we know what it takes to get our shit together. It’s easy to see that now. It’s not easy for some right after a dday. If I come on here after dday I probably would have not stay around. I was here over a year out still needed to work on myself but I was able after a while to learn that.

We all could take a Survey on how people learn different things.

Reading

Video or visual

Someone explaining by words

I can’t learn by reading. It all goes over my head. Someone explains it to me by words yeah maybe I can get it. If I had a video or a visual to learn something new then yes I would get it so much better. But if the next person who can read it and understand it better that way does that mean my way is wrong? No. Something can be explain in different ways and just because your way is your way where you can get it and see it don’t mean everyone else will see that the exact same way. Don’t mean you need to question way they don’t see it your way.

Godheals Your are right. Like I said it takes all types. So, I don't need to question why it doesn't work for some. Just as I don't need to be told how to give advice, when there is proof it works for some. It works for some and not for others. The sage advice, take what you can and leave the rest. If it doesn't work for you, just kindly say stop posting on my threads.

“If it doesn't work for you, just kindly say stop posting on my threads.”

People can say this but IMO they question the person why they can’t receive their advise when it’s right or they can’t handle the truth. The moment they don’t receive it like they should they continue to get pounded on. If it was only that easy for others to back off....I think others just like to know they are right reguardless how its said to them vs respecting the person who don’t like a persons style. I think it’s learning that your advise is not wrong but it’s your style that they don’t like again others don’t care because they are right therefore they can contuine to question them.....

The sage advice, take what you can and leave the rest.

I think this is one of the most misused statements I seen being repeatedly said on SI (at least from a WS perspective) because it makes some very big assumptions. It assumes that the person receiving the 2x4 has a thick enough skin to take it and the emotional wherewithal to move past it. Unfortunately, the harshest statements are often the "loudest" and all a person hears. So instead of healing, it pushes them further down the rabbit hole. Again, its all in the delivery of the message.

Well most posters are going to take what they like and leave the rest.

The issue is most of the things that waywards have to do in order to heal the spouse aren't something waywards are going to "Like" to do.

Agree sorrowfulmate. To heal themselves or their spouse.

I think this is a good discussion. When it comes to 2x4’s, there are an awful lot of factors to take into consideration.

First, who is the audience and where are they at in their healing? What brought you here was a whole lot of dysfunctional thinking. Chances are, you have managed to rewrite history and perhaps have a lot of justifications for being here. A famous line for newer waywards is “I take full responsibility for my actions but...”. What is written after that word ‘but’ is typically a justification that many new waywards don’t or can’t see, at least not yet. As much as we want to, not a single person that comes here is going to really “get it” immediately.

The next factor, is who is delivering the advice. I truly believe that there is a cycle that WS go through. As we work through the mess, I think it becomes easy to project some of our own anger onto newer members that are in a place of “not getting it”. We start seeing the patterns and behavior and want new members not to make the same mistakes we made along the way. We begin flexing our “healthier muscles” in order to believe they truly exist. The louder we yell, the more we ca believe it ourselves.

Last, we settle into our new selves. We find our voice and figure out who we are. Some of us are shout from the rooftop kind of people. Others are the type to lend a helping hand.

As others have said, not everyone responds to the same sort of advice. What one person sees as a 2x4, another may perceive it as sound and direct advice. I think we need all sorts of voices. The more voices that are here, the more chances we have at helping another wayward through this. Bandaids may not help you all of the time. Just as the direct approach may not either.

I have been here a long time. I have not forgotten what it was one to be new here. There have been times in my own journey that I have needed kindness and there were times I needed a dose of harsh reality.

It’s important to realize that when we get here the lens inwhich we look at the world isn’t really very clear.

If there is ever any concerns or questions however, always contact a moderator. Our job is to help you have a safe place to heal from infidelity.

I do admit to not being one to swing a 2x4 or even a 1x2 especially at first time posters.I will also admit to probably coming across as a Pollyanna a lot of times. I just want them to know that they will get through this and we are here to help and support them.

When I reply on a thread, I have a kind of time consuming process where I try and put a lot of thought into what I post to make sure that my reply is helpful, conveys what I am thinking and respectful. This is why I do not have hundreds of posts.

I do this because I believe that even as a anonymous online forum, we have a responsibility to take into account where the OP is on this journey. What kind of help are they looking for and will my reply benefit them in anyway.

I also believe that we should consider their state of mind. Through their writing, maybe we should ask ourselves if they seem strong enough right now to take a blow from a 2x4 or maybe throw them a life preserver first.