SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your wife is an evil person.

File for divorce and tell the kids why you are doing so. They are old enough to understand and they will think more highly of you for standing up for what is right and moral.

JP, what are you going to do?

Thank you so much for all your concern. I have spoken to my eldest son (20) and he thinks that it would work against me if I tell the other 3 of my kids myself about their mom's affair. They might be biased that I am just out to destroy the image of their mom as they have previously accused me of. Their mother claims that she hasn't spoken anything bad about me to them. My eldest son says that let it be just a talk between them siblings on how they should handle the present situation and understanding the consequences that'll take place because of my wife's betrayal to our family. He will be the one to disclose the affair and will explain the reason for our divorce. My reason for not disclosing this for now is that my wife and my other 3 kids are going for a holiday sometime in July (without me and my eldest). I don't want to hinder their happiness and excitement on their holiday because of this. I suggest that my kids should know about it after the holiday. Any thoughts?

Yes you should tell your children. Your wife betrayed them just as much as you by lying to them and pretending to be someone other than who she was for years. She also did not care at all about their well-being when she was committing adultery.

I told my three children (13,17 and 18) about their father's adultery after trying to protect them from it for a year during which time, 'protecting' them ate me alive. In the end I decided that I should not have to destroy myself to protect them from their father - he should have protected them and he chose to crap on them instead. I believe very strongly that adultery is the problem that it is because society protects adulterers by covering up for them when actually they should be 'outed'.

When I told my children about their father, I did not provide a lot of details as I think that doing so would have added greatly to their hurt. However, they have the right to know who their father is, just as I had the right to know who I was married to - that way they can decide how they want their relationship to be with him going forward rather than being hoodwinked by him for the rest of his life. People who betray their families have no right to live with the benefit of being seen as better than they are. However people who have been betrayed and abused have the right to the truth so they can live with dignity. If we are honest with our children about the abuse that adultery is, we give them the opportunity to learn to honour their own relationships in future, as well as helping them to protect themselves from potentially abusive partners. I am very sorry that you and your children are here as a result of your wife's sickness. Telling your children will no doubt cause them damage (for which you are not responsible) but it will also allow them to live with dignity - without truth there is none.

Pardon me, but WTF dude?!?!? You are listening to the advice of a 20yo with limited life and world experience. Who is too close to the situation to truly understand the damage the ongoing lies, and ridiculousness of this whole thing.

Take three steps back and look at it as we have, as outsiders who have been through this shit storm, and come out the other side, whole, complete, happy people. The thing that destroys the relationships, Marriages, and relationships with kids in cheating families, is the ongoing destruction of trust. This is accomplished by lying and lying some more.

Your wife has a boyfriend.

YOUR WIFE HAS A BOYFRIEND!!!!!

It is ridiculous to assume your kids don't know. Why in the world would you allow this to conitnue, to allow them to not only have their view of their mother be tainted, but also of you. You don't think they question why dad allows mom to leave for 4 day stretches at a time?

You think they don't see a man who is broken? They do, they just don't know why dad is broken. Be the hero here. Sit them the hell down, and tell the truth. Tell them that you have decided you can no longer bear her secrets, that you are unwilling to lie for her one more second.

If it F's up the trip, it F's up the trip. Who the hell cares. Right now you are willing to and have sacrificed your sanity, and your self respect by hanging on to that last thread of hope. Your wife could give to shits about you. As long as you are there to take care of the kids while she is out playing, she is not going to change what she is doing.

I would personally tell the kids, and then have her served with D papers. It's time for you to end the abuse you have endured this long becuase you feel some sense of shame, or honor or need to continue to allow it to go on.

This ends when you say it does. Find some anger, you will find strength and clarity when you do.

^+1

Any therapist will tell you that, if you don't explain to kids clearly, they will make their own reasons,their own mind movies, and often,blame themselves.

I emphasize that: if you don't explain, they will blame themselves.

You have to come clean to them, about how that is what brought the divorce, about how it is theoirmother's fault, about how it is healthy for a person to demand to be treated with respect.

If you don't explain, if you don't do anything, you are normalizing cheating to them, and then they will get into twisted unhealthy relationships.

Go talk to them! Tell them the truth! NOW!

File for divorce. Forget a separation. Your wife has shown you she has no intent on being a wife to you ever again. What do you think you are trying to save?

Wayward spouses who are as far gone as her rarely ever come back to the marriage. And even when they do, its only because they have nowhere else to go, not because they are sorry.

No.

You need to be the one to tell them. Not your son. Stop worrying about your kids' relationship with their mother as you can't control that and your not responsible for her actions.

You need to Expose. Expose. Expose.

I agree with everything TUSH said and I would just be repeating so I'll leave it at that or give her a +1 for a running total of +3.

They might be biased that I am just out to destroy the image of their mom as they have previously accused me of.

I think this ^ might be why it would be a good idea to sit down with all four of your children.

Apologise to them for any recent behaviour from you that they think might have seemed inappropriate, or upsetting, or unfair.

Explain that you have been upset and distressed after finding out that their Mother is having an affair with their "uncle".

That you are worried their Mother is away from the home so often, because she is visiting "uncle".

That really, you still love her very much, and love your family very much - but never wanted to add to THEIR emotional upset by trying to alienate their affections from their Mom.

And undertake to them that however sad you feel, that you shouldn't have, (and won't be again) dragging them into their parents relationship problems.

[and stick to this with gritted teeth and bitten tongue]

And apologise again to your kids for your anger or inappropriate comments

Spell out that you don't want to add to the lies and deceit within the family any further.

That your and your WW's relationship problems are yours to sort out, not theirs - and certainly not your poor DS20's to broker.

Your kids shouldn't have been dragged in.

They don't (and despite the cheating, despite the morality fail, despite your WW'S lies) and should NEVER feel that they are asking to choose sides.

Deep breaths JP.

You are now going to have to step up into the strong, reliable, adult position here.

It's hard I know, but you don't want to lose your children.

You must support them -

Try to be calm and clear and non-condemnatory.

Assure them that you and their Mom both love them, and ALWAYS will.

Sending strength

MOB

ETA - they've got the impression that she's staying away because you're treating her badly?

Make sure that you absolutely DO NOT add to this impression by bad-mouthing her, or giving ANY intimate details, other than the bearest (age-appropriate) facts.

You are correct! Being the captain of the ship, I guess it is really my duty to tell my passengers why the boat is sinking or rather have already sank. My wife is scheduled to have a holiday with the 3 kids in about 2 months from now and I don't want to get in the way (at least for now) to jeopardize the vacation they have been longing for for a long time. I also want them to enjoy time with their mom without them knowing of her affair. I feel I am selfish in a way to grab them of that happiness they might have with my wife.

Tell them today.

If you don't they'll realize you are lying to them by omission.

You don't owe a cheater sny respect. They had sex with someone else and want you to deal with it. Don't cater to their demands, tell now.

You make me sad.

Your kids deserve to know why their mother has a boyfriend.

You telling them is NOT going to ruin their vacation.

You not telling them is ruining their faith in you, and people's ability to be honest overall.

I was the same way. But older kids need to know. My sons therapist said ‘it’s better not to idealize your parents and know their faults are so you don’t repeat their mistakes ‘. My kids handled it very well. They were 15 and 16 when they were told.

Tell your kids today.

Damn the vacation. Consequences are your WW's

doing and problem now.

You titled your thread "Should I tell my children of my wife's affair"

Those who replied with a resolute YES

Kamstel

Mr. Magnolia

TheGuy123

Wool94

william

tushnurse

cannotforgive

Dismayed2012

Txquail

TimSC

Stronger2

PeriodicZen

MadOldBat

Aade

oldtrunk

Those who replied NO

None

Any questions?

I don't want to hinder their happiness and excitement on their holiday because of this.

If you tell them now, they'll have time to process and can use the trip as an opportunity to talk and start healing.

If you wait until after the trip, it might seem like you're trying to spoil the good time they just had with their mom.

Tell them.

I am a recovering coma patient (2 yrs) and had PI report of wife's affair. Showed children (27 & 29 yos) report they suggest I moved out and stay with them.

You are correct! Being the captain of the ship, I guess it is really my duty to tell my passengers why the boat is sinking or rather have already sank. My wife is scheduled to have a holiday with the 3 kids in about 2 months from now and I don't want to get in the way (at least for now) to jeopardize the vacation they have been longing for for a long time. I also want them to enjoy time with their mom without them knowing of her affair. I feel I am selfish in a way to grab them of that happiness they might have with my wife.

Playing the martyr won't get you a thing. You have put yourself in limbo hell and are keeping yourself there. Why?

Putting this off is an excuse to do nothing. Don't be afraid of pushing her away. She left a long time ago.

You can't stand up for yourself no one else is going to. The Calvary isn't coming .

Am I the only one who thinks the other man will also be going on this vacation?