SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

MJ:

I'm so sorry you are here, in this club from hell.

I too experience all of the things you describe - including the comparisons and "feeling" the AP "in the room" (and in my frigging head) during sex. It's awful... I think all BS feel these things at some time or another. Personally, I feel some level of this every time we have sex - but I'd say it's on a scale, sometimes a "blip" that passes, sometimes too much to continue. There have been times I've thought about stopping in the middle of sex and telling my WH to imagine me doing to another man the same thing I just did to him (many of my thought/actions as a BS have not been my proudest moments).

Personally, I think the main thing is that whatever you are feeling needs to be validated and respected. If sex doesn't "work" for you at any particular moment, that sucks, but is yet another consequence of our WS' sh*tty choices that, like it or not, a BS must process and work through. There are some other great points here:

Your sexual issues are symptoms of the trauma you have suffered.

once you rediscover your personal worth, it isn't even a comparison.

cheating is about the cheater, not the cheatee. It wasn’t about you. It wasn’t even really about [the AP].

She did NOT decide to cheat because OM was such a good lay. When she DECIDED to cheat then all she knew was that OM was available for sex.

I also think this is important for a BS healing/recovery:

the woman you thought you were married to does not exist. The main first task of a betrayed is to come to grips with this reality. It's like being hit on the head and kicked in the balls at the same time. Your wife is a woman who will fuck another man repeatedly for years and lie to your face about it. These are despicable, cowardly acts. One of the main questions you will want to answer for yourself as time passes is whether you wish to remain married to a woman who has proven to you that she will do these despicable things to you.

Another thing you need to come to grips with is the simple fact that she is a practiced and skilled liar. An express part of your conversation with her should acknowledge that, as you are coming to grips with how easily and profoundly she lied to you, for years, how can you ever know whether you can believe her?

Godspeed to us all.

I agree with Bigger on the decision part, and also on the fact that the initial decision to engage in an A was about the validation and power.

I do disagree with him that your mental comparisons to him sexually are irrational. Lots of betrayed spouses do this. It is very common. I depart from some other posters here in that I believe there are degrees of betrayal, some worse than others. I do think that these degrees are personal and subjective, relating to triggers within the individual BH. For me personally, a LTA where the WW obviously had to invest time and energy and imagination into creating ways and places to have sex, and lies to tell the BH about it, where the POSOM was a younger and more attractive man, that would trigger me big-time into feeling like a sexual Plan B for my WW. Let's face it, the A would still be likely going on if the POSOM had not been caught by his WW. And your WW would likely be still lying to you about it if his BOS had not done you the favor of informing you.

How was sex with the two of you during the A? Did she ever deny you sex because she wanted sex with the AP? Did she ever come to you for sex after having unprotected sex with the AP? Did she do things with him sexually that she previously refused to do? All of these kinds of factors can exacerbate that feeling of being a Plan B.

By the way, regardless whether she says they used protection, you should not have sex with her until you are both tested for STD's.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 1:34 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]

I am very sorry you are going through this, you didn't ask for it. My XWW desperately wanted to R but I couldn't touch her again once I found out about her affairs.

Her last affair was with a much younger man but I didn't find out until years later. We never had sex again after her last affair, long story (she got a long-term STD and wouldn't have sex with me for fear of me finding out about the A), but I wished I had known about her cheating much sooner. I would've D'd years ago. I was willing to endure a sexless marriage for the kids but never cheating.

My XWW is, in my mind, forever tainted. I'm in a new relationship now and I don't have any of the pain and insecurity that I would have endured had I stayed. It just wasn't worth it.

Get IC, individual counseling, if the first doesn't seem right, see another. I am a woman but I think most betrayeds go through the same thing. We can't help but feel humiliation after finding out. It sounds like she may not be remorseful, that is reason enough to D.

Her cheating had nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. He probably wasn't all that great in bed either.

Mind movies are terrible, I had them during the day, at night, and especially during sex. I finally imagined I was having sex with a young, handsome, Scot, I was reading Outlander at the time ;-) It helped me get over the mind movies during sex but what really helped most was a very remorseful WH. He did everything he could. Every situation is different, I found out years later, maybe that made it easier. For some betrayal is a "deal breaker" and it may be for you.

I nuked my stbxw and burned the AP's life to the ground. I deal with none of the things you're dealing with, Sir. Divorce her, move on with your life. You deserve better, and your life will be better for moving on without a cheating wife.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 3:16 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]

Your feelings are normal MJ. You're not alone in this. There are many others who've been where you are.

I want to note that there are two things you must do in order to get yourself back on track. 1. Get yourself out of infidelity. The OM's spouse has done that for you. 2. Take your life back. You haven't accomplished this yet.

In order to take your life back you must decide to be you again. When you met your wife you two became part of each other. Everything you decided and every plan included the other person. You now know that your wife dropped out of the marriage and stopped thinking of your best interest long ago. It's your turn now. You must now become your own man again without her. That doesn't need to equate to divorce but divorce does help you take your life back faster. You must re-evaluate your priorities and your future. You now decide what's best for you and head in that direction. If you want to allow her to tag along, that's fine. But you don't allow her or her actions and desires to change your new plans and new future. You have to move forward as your own person as you did before you were married. You made your own decisions and decided your own direction. That's where you need to be.

Also note that legal divorce breaks the mental rope that binds you to your betrayer. It allows your mind and emotions to be free to create and invent again. Divorce also allows you to, if you want to, date your ex again and decide if she's worth being in a relationship with.

Regardless of your decisions, it would be wise to get an iron-clad post-nuptial agreement in place ASAP. That way if you decide you can't continue with her, the marital assets are already agreed upon; it makes things much smoother. And if you ever get married again, don't forget the prenup. Cheating is at an incredibly high percentage these days; protect yourself in advance.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 3:41 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I am glad I am not the only one who suffers from sexual humiliation and insecurity after the affair.

I am still not sure what I want to do in the long run.

I am not sure if she is remorseful or not. I try to avoid talking to her. When she talks to me I just tell her I need several months to stop hurting so much so I can make a sober decision on my future.

I don't really want to get divorced but they may be where we are headed.

Does anyone know if separations increase or decreaase the chance of getting divorced ? I own our house outright and owned it outright before we got married so my name alone is on the title. I could ask her to leave for a few months so I can clear my head.

I really do think I need time to make the best possible decision.

[This message edited by MJ1675123 at 4:33 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]

Separation allows you, as you noted, time to clear your head. It doesn't necessarily affect the chance of divorce. It just gives you time to determine if you want to or can live with the betrayer. It's very helpful also in allowing you to heal from the inflicted trauma. It will help you greatly in taking your life back and determining what you want your future to look like. In your case, I think it would be very helpful. I wish the best for you.

Separation often leads to divorce, based on what I have seen here. But in your case it may be what you need to determine what you want/need.

I am resistant to divorce because we have known each other for most of our lives.

We did not get married until later in life but grew up together. She would be easy to replace as a wife but impossible to replace as a friend.

Additionally. I have no interest in dating again and trying to find a good partner or wife.

I would almost rather have a poor marriage than have to go through dating and marrying again. What if the next wife is a cheater or worse ?

Maybe the familiar shit sandwich is better than the unknown shit sand which.

I am resistant to divorce because we have known each other for most of our lives.

We did not get married until later in life but grew up together. She would be easy to replace as a wife but impossible to replace as a friend.

Additionally. I have no interest in dating again and trying to find a good partner or wife.

I would almost rather have a poor marriage than have to go through dating and marrying again. What if the next wife is a cheater or worse ?

Maybe the familiar shit sandwich is better than the unknown shit sand which.

I am resistant to divorce because we have known each other for most of our lives.

We did not get married until later in life but grew up together. She would be easy to replace as a wife but impossible to replace as a friend.

Additionally. I have no interest in dating again and trying to find a good partner or wife.

I would almost rather have a poor marriage than have to go through dating and marrying again. What if the next wife is a cheater or worse ?

Maybe the familiar shit sandwich is better than the unknown shit sand which.

I am resistant to divorce because we have known each other for most of our lives.

We did not get married until later in life but grew up together. She would be easy to replace as a wife but impossible to replace as a friend.

Additionally. I have no interest in dating again and trying to find a good partner or wife.

I would almost rather have a poor marriage than have to go through dating and marrying again. What if the next wife is a cheater or worse ?

Maybe the familiar shit sandwich is better than the unknown shit sand which.

She would be easy to replace as a wife but impossible to replace as a friend.

A friend would not betray, lie, and hurt you like she has.

One option: Tell her you want an amicable divorce on your terms but you will continue to live together and see counselors. You take away the financial concerns and then are free to process things on your own timeline.

Plan c

You have an interesting idea but I still lose half my assets or nearly half.

I thought about just buying her a house in the neighborhood and staying friends who have sex.

[This message edited by MJ1675123 at 5:27 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]

There is no need to divorce.

None of us can claim to be offering the only correct advice (me included) and the divorce-her-at-all-cost brigade is only one POV.

But both you and your wife need to realize that her decision to have an affair placed the marriage in tremendous danger. That the consequences are immense and they just MIGHT lead to divorce. It’s this seriousness that will make your intense enough in recovery to be willing to address hard and tough issues.

You will not survive this if you two ignore her affair.

Has either of you done IC?

Or you two done any MC?

Some may consider this objectifying your wife.... (MidnightRun)…. but having your old lady show a huge degree of submission just might get back what her A took.

There is a huge degree of submission my old lady showed me when we were going through the hysterical bonding.....and yes spanking her was a big part that helped me heal. For me the dominance over her is what I felt I needed to have helped me get passed it all.

For what its worth.....taking control in the bed and "man handling" her worked for me. But lets face it folks, I'm wired different them most.

The lies hurt more then the sex. I phucked a lot before my wife and seemed to do just fine. Clearly I am no officer or a gentlemen, but you my friend sound like this whole sex business is a deal breaker, and there is nothing wrong with that. It's healthy!

So if sex isn't just sex and you have a hard time putting your old lady over your knee it might be time to get out.

And MidnightRun is also right in the fact that objectifying her doesn't last long, but it lasted long enough to get me out of my funk.

Good luck man, I hope you can some day start enjoying sex....with or with out your old lady.

That’s why I said divorce on YOUR terms. She agrees to take a shitty settlement. In exchange you give her a chance at reconciliation. If she takes the deal you are better off whether or not you reconcile and she has proved remorse and consequences by foregoing security and assets. If she balks at the deal then she’s proved a lack of remorse so split the assets in court now before they accrue further.

As to part time lovers—that’s not a realistic option presently because you won’t want her as a lover until you’ve sufficiently processed your trauma.

The great thing about assets is even if you lose them you can always get them back the same way you got them in the first place. By working hard and making the right choices.

Assets are replaceable....how about your happiness?

We all want affection and intimacy..... in your case when you get it you want to throw up. You can't go through life like that!