SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

STBXH-

Even if she becomes a super spouse, I may not be able to accept the A.

Absolutely. As I have said before, I think we only have to accept that it happened, I don't think we have to accept as if we're somehow okay with it.

People have asked me about a back-up plan. It is the front door. And it works great, I check it everyday.

I gave it another year to work through.

Set any timeline you need, but even if you don't wait that long or maybe wait longer -- you'll just wake up one day and KNOW the direction you WANT.

Hopefully I can look in the rearview one day. I envy those who do.

One way or another, most of us get there. It is brutal getting out of that pain loop, the endless cycle while we process this *&^%#.

Strugglebus

Here is the quote I needed today...

watch and wait and be patient with yourself

I'm not good at being kind to myself when I'm uncomfortable. I'm working on it as she works on herself...

ISurvivedSoFar,

My question for you is how do you relate together now? Do you talk about the A? Do you talk about the way in which you want your relationship to be? Do you talk about your pain? Her struggles? Or is most of the swept under the rug right now?

We relate somewhat. I'm pained pretty much daily. We do talk about it. But my story has been told. I'm waiting for her to reveal what she has learned. I'm a bit stuck as I want my relationship to be free of my wife unrepentantly getting naked and having repeated sex with someone that isn't her husband.

((((HUGS))) right back!

Waited

Hopefully time will help. Plenty here have made it. Hopefully you can too.

Is she pulling her weight?

Yes, I know deep down I will make it but there will always be the knowledge that when times get tough, or when she needs external validation, that she will sell me out. I just thought she was a stronger person. At least that's what she led me to believe.

She is pulling her weight in that she far more receptive to my needs. But I've always been independent so I don't ask for much.

1stWife

is your wife appearing to be happy now?

I think we're both faking it until we make it. She sees that I'm in daily pain and I know that bothers her so she's not happy unless we are around the kids.

Butforthegrace

At this stage your WW should be making if very clear that she is grateful you are still with her and her deepest joy is the second chance you are giving her. Right about now is when true remorse should be kicking in and she should be showing you every day how much she desires you and how happy your presence makes her.

If you're not feeling that, let me remind you that from your side, at this stage, D should very much still be on the table. As in papers drafted and either filed or ready to file.

She's remorseful. She's working. It's me that is having the problems with getting to acceptance. D papers are signed and ready for processing.

thatbpguy

I don't believe in the fog or that it was all some fairy tale betrayers lived for a while. It was real, it was intended and the remorse 99% of the time comes from being caught. That's the real world we live in...

...To the betrayed, we have to accept that our spouses, the ones we loved and trusted, brutally betrayed us and loved every second of it- so long as it was secret

I cannot agree more. You and I are precisely on the same page here. Acceptance is my biggest obstacle. My personality has definetly changed and so has my heart. I will NEVER let my guard down again. Everytime I do someone (even the one I loved most) was willing to take advantage of my kindness and trust. I know deep down if I was a over posessive a-hole that this would not have happened. I just thought I could "kind" my wife out of an affair. It's naive at best and I'm finished with being a doormat in this relationship, even if we divorce. You're right on with your assessment of anyone who betrays another. At least IMHO.

IWMG

If your spouse had the ability to go from being a normal human to a human who can betray....this is a major personality flaw.

If your personality allowed for subtle desrespect, made excuses, disregard for you in the relationship—this personality changes after an affair. The BS changes.

Adulterous people do what benefits them.

Your wife’s affair was gross. I want to know how in her brain mini van sex in the park made her feel valued or more of a woman.

You can’t go anywhere, Facebook, Pinterest without seeing nasty jokes about women who participate in affairs.

Why, did she find value in her despicable actions?

THIS^^^^ AMEN

There's a lot to unpack here. I will read this quite a few times this week to ponder upon.

Chamomile

When I ask myself how my WH could be so happy while he was betraying ME, the answer is that I wasn't even a blip on his radar at the time. I was just an obstacle to be avoided so he could get his biochemical high...

Of course that's a painful thing to acknowledge. Of course it is. We don't want to think that the person who promised to love, honor, and cherish us could so thoughtlessly crush us for something akin to a cocaine buzz. But they can and they do. And it's not about us... it's about them.

They've shown us a breathtaking capacity for deceit which devastates our old view of reality (hence the triggers and the time warp as our brains flop around trying to redefine what's real and what isn't)

Well, my friend, this pretty much sums it all up. I guess I just have to acknowledge this and move forward. My WW is a drug addict (of sorts as this A has shown her biochemical high was far more powerful than her morality) and addicts will do anything for their high. But as they say in ALANON the three C's...

I can't control it, I didn't cause it, and I can't cure it. So moving forward my wife gets to be an awesome sober person...I get to be the BS who lives with someone who is capable of stepping over my dead body to get a buzz from a fat-fuck with a tiny dick, sweating from his naked ass, in the back of the car I paid for...on my childrens blankets and pillows... It boggles the mind. And the pain is unrelenting. I'm so sick of the lack of justice in all this. Thank you for your thoughts....I've said this before; I'm sorry you're here but I'm glad you're here with me.

I didn’t finish my thought. Was your spouse truly amazing before the affair, or did you allow certain behaviors. It’s easy for me to read about behaviors in wayward husbands and see the same faults in my husband.

I was at a ladies lunch the other day. I was listening to other women talk. I have never been a husband basher. One woman had a very distinctive way of bashing her husband. She kept putting him down. It wasn’t “silly” putting him down. IE, he leaves his beard trimmings in the sink, or his tennis shoes on the floor.

It was more I need to check with husband....he needs to know the flow. (Eye roll snicker)

Will you describe yourself preaffair objectively. I am not saying you caused an affair. Not at all. It took me along time to understand the realities in my own life. What do you see in yours?

STBXH:

But my story has been told. I'm waiting for her to reveal what she has learned.

This is everything. This is just everything. I’ve talked until blue in the face. Reflected. Screamed. Spelled it out. Been calm. Spoken. Written. Telepathically tried to send the message. I’ve said what I can say. I have nothing new to say about the affair it feels like. It’s the cycle of trying to make them get it. Fruitless.

I’m just waiting. For catch up. For actual recognition of deap-seated flaws. For the ability to talk about shame. For progress. For acknowledgment. For change.

We had our first MC appointment tonight and it was GREAT! But. Here begins another loop of waiting.

STBXH: What has your WW done to communicate to you that she desires to R? In your posts you repeatedly describe yourself as being in a state of waiting. What are you waiting for? To me, waiting suggests that your WW has not yet convinced you that she can or even wants to R. Is this the case?

A year out from DDay, you are still in trauma. Year 2 is often worse as you begin to wrap your mind around the fact that, no matter what you do, your reality going forward, forever, is that your wife will fuck another man without remorse. Part of the difficulty of year 2 is figuring out whether you can even stand to look at her face every morning and every evening knowing that the face you will see is the face of a woman who looked with passion and desire at another man and lied to you about it.

In my observation, the only way a BH gets past this is if the WW has by now demonstrated loud and clear that every ounce of her desire and passion is directed 100% toward her BH. If she is not there, what makes you think that waiting will change this?

There seem to be two issues going on simultaneously here.

1. STBXH, you are still processing this trauma and anger and disgust are at the forefront right now. This stage is difficult - seems there is no way out and we rationalize it as hopeless. I see that in your post but want you to know STBXH, that we've all been there and not only survived, but we can and will thrive. Hang onto that as hopelessness envelopes you.

2. The change in WW needs to be seen and felt and consistent. At a year IMHO, it just doesn't happen.

I’m just waiting. For catch up. For actual recognition of deep-seated flaws. For the ability to talk about shame. For progress. For acknowledgment. For change.

^^^This. At almost two years I am just starting to see the recognition and the willingness to explore it and fix the flaws and the shame that comes out of it. This is from a spouse who really wants to change but the deep seeded wiring is profound. All the while the waywardness kept surfacing and still does but now there is recognition of it.

So time...and patience...and work on yourself STBXH so you can be the best you irrespective of her. This is a marathon not a sprint and we all want to sprint at this point, don't we?

There may be a third piece. "...irrespective of her" Right now it sounds like in your mind everything revolves around her, what she did to you, how she could disregard you in such a spectacular way. But it wasn't about you - and knowing that is different than feeling it. That's the work STBXH to getting separated from the past as you move forward. It's hard for us because we see ourselves as a unit with our spouse. Maybe that's the original problem. Maybe we should see ourselves as individuals in a two part Venn diagram. We overlap but the majority of ourselves are on our own.

Several folks have mentioned taking a look at your role prior to the A. That's a huge part of year 2 IMHO and in it, you will see if you had a Venn diagram or circles that completely overlapped each other. That's part of separating the past from the future - going back and dissecting the relationship so you can understand the role you played. It has nothing to do with the A actually and more to do with an understanding of behaviors that are wanted and unwanted. When we see ourselves in a new way and start behaving differently, then our WS's are forced to change and we are more able to make decisions to our benefit that are less painful and less steeped in the A framework.

To some extent I was a parent to my wife early in reconciliation. I believe she never intended to hurt me but she did. The fact is, she acted like an immature child. She was mentally challenged inside, desperate, and she didn’t know how to fix it, or understand the value of holding to values and standards. She was a product of her upbringing and resultant flawed thinking. As part of reconciliation I watched her look into the mirror, reflect, grow, change, and become a better person. That person whi hurt me doesn’t exist any more.

This is such an awesome thread. Thank you STBXH and everyone who responded with such thoughtful comments. I see so much of my situation in this entire thread. So helpful! - Thank you

Brainfreeze

This is a really great thread for me. I’m in such turmoil and pain most days that I need my friends here to help me see the Forrest thru the trees! Very therapeutic during this lonely time...

A couple of things, all JMO ...

*******

The sooner and more completely you accept the pain, the sooner and more completely you'll process it out of your body.

The pain - anger, grief, fear, shame - is just feelings, bro. You have them; they don't have you.

*******

I urge you to separate your healing from D/R.

There's no question about your ability to accept the A. You have already started to do it. You can't dodge it very effectively, after ,all because it's reality. Your W cheated. If you pretend she didn't, you'll really fuck yourself up.

As I said, that's different from D vs. R. That's a matter of figuring out what you want and, if you want R, figuring out if your W is a good enough candidate for R to risk it.

It just seems so obvious to me that separating acceptance from D/R will make every BS's life easier....

But that's obviously projecting. I'd be delighted to hear a different approach.

sisoon,

The sooner and more completely you accept the pain, the sooner and more completely you'll process it out of your body.

I’m on board with this. It’s an exorcism of sorts.

It just seems so obvious to me that separating acceptance from D/R will make every BS's life easier....

This seems difficult and foreign to me. The idea of healing without consideration of an outcome seems so strange? If I heal then I can look at the A as a bad thing that happened and R with my WW, then isn’t my healing directly related to R? I don’t know that healing and R aren’t intrinsically linked? I can’t wrap my head around the concept of healing being mutually exclusive to R/D?

This is a very interesting concept sisoon. I will explore it more.

Butforthegrace

A year out from DDay, you are still in trauma. Year 2 is often worse as you begin to wrap your mind around the fact that, no matter what you do, your reality going forward, forever, is that your wife will fuck another man without remorse. Part of the difficulty of year 2 is figuring out whether you can even stand to look at her face every morning and every evening knowing that the face you will see is the face of a woman who looked with passion and desire at another man and lied to you about it.

I definitely think my year-2 symptoms are taking hold of me. IThat last sentence above really hit home.

The idea of healing without consideration of an outcome seems so strange?

I think I understand what Sisoon is saying...

Examples:

I chose to believe that I am worthy of a good safe partner. I deserve that R or D.

I am a fantastic Dad. I am that R or D.

I deserve to go out with my friends and have a beer and a laugh. R or D.

I know that I will have have a fantastic future. R or D.

I need to let go of the pain I felt. R or D.

For ME...I need to forgive my wife. R or D. I don't want to drag that anger around for the remainder of my life.

I needed to become more independent. R or D.

I needed to modify my relationship habits R or D.

I needed to loose the anxiety about not being with my wife and realize that she was going to do whatever she was going to do. I had no control over that. I needed to do that R or D.

I needed to control my triggers... R or D.

These are all things that I needed to do no matter which way my marriage went. I'm still working on some of them.