SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Maybe I'm wrong, but I sense this has been a loveless and sexless marriage for some time. How often are you two intimate and making love?

I'm trying to see if your marriage is worth saving. A child doesn't make it worth saving. Two people who genuinely love and care about each other, who can find the romance again are ones who should only consider R. A partner made a serious poor decision (not a mistake) and will do ANYTHING to repair the damage they did. Your wife is not doing this.

Take your time, you don't need to decide divorce right away. How would a divorce look? You can guarantee 50/50 custody these days. Do you both earn the same income? Might be a wash. Starting over seems daunting at first. But it's really a second chance on life and is fun once you start seeing it all come together.

Hit the gym. Lift very heavy. Building muscle is great confidence building and will give you a great place to vent your anger. You got this.

[This message edited by GuyInColorado at 9:09 AM, October 21st (Sunday)]

I'd bet a Grand your WW's affair has been physical, and that in a big way. Her lingerie purchases were for the OM? Sir, remove your blinders and stop placing your trust in your deceptive, lying, sneaking WW. My personal choice was to divorce my cheating wife, but if reconciliation is what you desire, then you absolutely must learn exactly what you're reconciling with. As a first step schedule a polygraph, and follow through with it. Do not allow her to call your bluff. Also, you must expose them. Notify, their HR department, inform the OM's wife, and kill their affair once and for all. Anything less is no more than you deceiving yourself, and avoiding the difficult steps to remove yourself from your cheating wife's infidelity. Stop rugsweeping, and take charge.

I'm 99% sure you still don't know the truth. OMW could help here. First, if you don't tell her then you're an accessory to her betrayal. Second, if she tells her WH that she knows everything because your wife came 100% clean but that she wants to hear it from him then you might get more truth than you're getting.

I'd bet a month's pay you're still getting TT'd. So far throughout this whole thing your wife has never once come clean about anything you can't prove.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 9:52 AM, October 21st (Sunday)]

Welcome to SI, cardiaccripple. I'm so sorry you had to join us, but you've found an amazing support group.

Everyone responding has been right where you are: betrayed. While circumstances may very slightly, cheaters seem to follow an identical script. They all say and do the same things, like they all read the same handbook. They're so cliche.

Having said that, I agree with the other posters that you still don't have the truth. Why?

1.) Your WW was leaving early for work and staying late. That's opportunity.

2.) She was dressing up and buying new lingerie. The new sexy undies were for the new man that was going to see her naked. After all, how is she going to get positive feedback on lingerie if he doesn't get to see it.

3.) She admitted only to what you could possibly discover on her work phone.

4.) She admitted they discussed sex in detail, positions etc.

5.) She admitted to an Ea with a man that she's sexually attracted to and has been in close proximity to for over a year.

Adults have sex when they're attracted to one another and the have opportunity. That's what adults do.

It sounds like he was grooming her for an A. Started off friendly, paying attention to her, giving her compliments. Slowly pushing boundaries until the line was crossed. Introducing her to a cheaters app. Getting her to lie to her husband.

Do you honestly believe that a man who's spent so much time chasing her tail, and was with her almost every single day, never made a move? Not even a kiss at lunch? Really?

Your WW has already shown you she will lie to your face. And if she'll lie about texts until cornered, damn straight she'll deny the sex until you can prove it.

I agree with the other posters. Poly time. Bet you get a "parking lot confession." And that still won't be the entire truth.

I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer, and I don't mean to be harsh, but your WW's story is so cliche I can predict that when she comes clean about the PA, she going to say they only had sex twice. That's what they all say.

I know your schedule is busy, but please consider getting yourself into therapy, just you. MC is for a broken marriage, and your M isn't broken, your WW is. All the anger and rage and pain is poisonous, and IC is a healthy way to get it out. Personal experience talking here.

You asked if you should forgive your WW. My question is: How can you forgive that which you do not know? How can you forgive someone that hurt you so terribly and refuses to give you the one thing you need to start healing (the truth) just to protect their own ass?

The answer to that is simple: You can't.

I wish you well on your healing journey.

Contact the BOW. Do it without telling your WW that you are going to do this. Find out what she knows. She can be your best ally in piecing this together.

Also, strongly consider outing him at work.

I assume you do not live in the US. That means using a polygraph is not easily done. What people are trying to warn you about is that it’s taken you pulling with all your strength for a year to get this information out of her. It’s called trickle truth but I consider it much more malignant than that. It keeps the betrayed spouse on high alert which means that your body is constantly under stress. Chronic stress begins to break down your immune system. That is what I would like to get across to betrayed spouses and their cheating loved ones. When you continue to mistreat your family you are putting them in harm’s way. Chronic stress causes many illnesses down the road. What you need to do is get yourself out of infidelity any way you can.

People tell you to go to HR. I don’t. You need to look at the possible financial problems you would have if she was fired or demoted?? (Don’t know if that applies). The reason I tell you to hesitate is because you will carry the financial burden if she loses her job and then you separate. There are lots of secondary issues here.

The other spouse always needs to know without exception. It is grossly unfair to keep her in the dark. It means you are actively involved in a coverup. Once you tell the obs all hell might break loose. At that point you will have another whole scenario to deal with.

Step number one........tell his wife!

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 10:12 AM, October 21st (Sunday)]

Sorry that you're here, as others have said, CHEATERS LIE, she was leaving EARLY and staying LATE for work to be with OM, and I guarantee you they were having daily lunch together too (why not), we've seen it here thousands of times, workplace As are notorious for "lunch quickies" at a motel and/or make out sessions/BJs in the car. She was buying new clothes and lingerie to get compliments from him, well that means she went somewhere where she could show that to him, most likely a nearby motel.

Adults involved in As have sex when in close proximity, period. A man talking about sex positions with a woman attracted to him will not let that opportunity go to waste, you need to schedule that polygraph, don't tell her you did and just surprise her one day to go take it, you may get the "parking lot confession" but still go through with it, some of the questions should be (you only get to ask like 4 or 5 questions):

1) Have you ever had any type of sex with anyone since the time we started dating and while married ?

2) Have you ever been in love with someone else since we started dating and/or while married?

3) Have you ever made out or kissed another man in the lips, since we started dating and/or while married ?

4) Have you ever had any sexual contact and/or made out with OM (name him)?

5) Have you had more affairs besides the one with OM or ONS with anybody else since we started dating and/or while married ?

You have done some MAJOR rugsweeping, you should do ALL of the following WITHOUT WARNING if you're trying to R:

1) Make sure the A has ended (don't take your WW's word for it) and EXPOSE the A with ALL family and close friends, plus HR (he's a superior so he will get fired not your WW), your WW out of shame may decide to quit, another consequence of her A, remember she made the DECISION to CHEAT and kept CHEATING even after being confronted, nothing kills an A faster than FULL EXPOSURE, plus OM may confess more things to OBS, OBS will become an ally and another set of eyes to help ensure NC.

2) Contact an attorney to know your legal options and DEMAND she signs a postnup with an infidelity clause in your favor, if she cheats again, she gets no alimony and you get the lion's share of marital assets.

3) DEMAND she writes a detailed timeline of the A with full details and NC FOREVER with OM (she needs to send a letter approved by you with no sweet goodbyes).

4) DEMAND she takes a polygraph, in order to forgive you need to know what you're forgiving, you're still being TT'd.

5) Have her read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, you can download it today and is a short read.

6) She needs to go to IC to find out her "whys", why did she make the DECISION to have an A, remember you own 50% of marital problems but she owns 100% of the A, you're in the same M and didn't cheat.

Rule of thumb here in SI and other infidelity forums is that if they are in close contact there's a great chance the A never stopped or will resume in the future, OM knows your WW is attracted to him, what's more important to you, your WW's job or your M ? she can find another job but if you find yourself unable to forgive her because of a relapse or if she gets deeper in the fog, you or her may decide to D and break your family.

Keep posting frequently, this is a critical moment in your M and you want to have the collective wisdom of SI at your disposal with thousands of cases like yours, every case is different but cheaters follow a typical script but her workplace A is very common.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 10:38 AM, October 21st (Sunday)]

Sorry if I missed something here, but is your wife still working as a subordinate to POSOM? If that's the case, NC is obviously impossible, and her feelings for him will almost certainly continue.

Taking the affair deep underground seems to be the norm. WW's almost always have an incredibly hard time getting over their AP. It's almost like drug addiction.

Taking a hard line is always the best option. Exposure to work and family is a good start. She needs to get a new job if she is still at the same company.

I was shocked at how much my prim and proper wife could lie when I started to figure things out. You already know how much your WW is capable of lying. A polygraph might cause her to break and give a parking lot confession.

Best of luck to you and sorry you're here.

OP, your WW is still trickle truthing you.

Polygraph time.

MARZ you are 100% on target my friend. They lie and will until you have the proof.