SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You know what they make now? Custom toilet paper. Upload a photo and they will mail it to you. You could literally wipe your ass with the face of an ap. Or change out the toilet paper in the guest lobby of their work... or the gas station nearby... or the fast food joint... or... well you get the idea.

Don't have to break the law to write 'for free bj's call...' on the bathroom stall of a truckstop.

Fyi - I know you're thinking of revenge affair and I'm thinking public shaming of ap, but sometimes when you're shopping for a new tie, you find the slacks on clearance.

Why are they on clearance? Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to.

OP, can I ask more about your situation? Your approximate age, any children?

The reason I ask is I read your tag. I did not realize there were multiple affairs in a relatively young marriage.

If you are young, you do not have kids, and are planning to have kids, or more kids, please consider divorce. I beg of you. You are married to a serial adulterer. The chances she is going to stop cheating are not good. Please do not offer her quick and easy forgiveness, as you seem to be doing.

You seem to be rugsweeping all of this, and I have grave concerns about that, far greater than any "high ground" at this point.

thetruthmatters, the question I meant to ask and ran out of time was this:

If you could pick just one thing, your sense of justice is satisfied or being really and truly happy again which would you pick ?

In truth showing grace, which has a lot of benefits to us, really forgoes justice. We don't need to forgive when someone gets what they deserve do we ?

I remember vividly one time that my W was apologizing for ruining my life I had a revelation. She ruined her life for sure. Mine ? If my life was that dependent on her and her choices I was doomed to live a life of misery. My life will be fine because I do not take any ownership of her choice to have an A. For the rest of my life any time thoughts of her A come up. I can look at her and assign that choice to her. It was not my choice hence I do not own anything that happens as a result. My quality of life is solely determined by my own choices. If the situation I am in prevents me from living the life I want they I am 100% free to make changes to get me where I want to be.

Yes a D would be painful, but I know I would recover. I know I am one hell of a husband and father. I have a decent job with a good income. I like to have fun. I am better than average at most things that someone desires in a partner. Again, I was never the problem. My W was the one with the problem. She worked her ass off to resolve her issues and endeavored to be the wife that I deserve.

It is still 100% my choice if those efforts meet what I want and need. It always was and always will be. I let my co-dependence intrude on my individuality. I learned that it did me no favors.

So I ask you what do you really want ?

I’m right there with you OP. Wanting justice. Knowing there isn’t really such a thing. It hurts and drives me up the wall. It’s just not fair.

And then my WH tells me that life is not fair. Not what I want to hear.

..there are a few of us who get some kind of justice..

Knowing the AP has no high ground, not even a 'level' playing field is comforting.. ...because he is DEAD and is now occupying that special space "SIX FEET UNDERGROUND"..

..since he betrayed his 'best friend', he has earned that special piece of real estate.

I call that some kind of justice!

smy

IMHO - numb&dumb's posts hit the nail on the head.

There is no justice... the Hatfields and McCoys proved that.

Focus on yourself!

Who do you want to be? How do you want to live?

Try to understand that you are going to be fine no matter what.

Revenge won't make you happy! It may feel good for a little while, but the anger will return.

You have to process that anger - I think I did that on a heavy bag, on the weight machine, on the bike, in my running shoes....

BUT - If you think I'm full of horse pucky, you could always use NTV's toilet paper idea OR his bathroom stall at a truck stop idea. - Both of those made me laugh.

[This message edited by destroyed1 at 2:06 AM, December 23rd (Sunday)]

But, I cannot shake the need for justice for the multiple APs and my WW. The fact that the only way forward is for them to get off with little or zero consequence is eating me alive. I chose to stay for my kids and thought I could move on. But, it’s getting harder, not easier as time passes.

That was me at year 3-4. It's getting better now at year 5. I'm moving a lot slower than most due to my wife's false R and continued cheating as I caught her over and over...

Here's a little quote:

If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord. “BUT IF YOUR ENEMY IS HUNGRY, FEED HIM, AND IF HE IS THIRSTY, GIVE HIM A DRINK; FOR IN SO DOING YOU WILL HEAP BURNING COALS ON HIS HEAD.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

I kinda am unable to feed my wife's affair partner as I would more likely gouge out his eyes should I ever see him, so I suffice to do good by keeping a distance.

They will get what is coming to them. Focus on making your life good and awesome.

I have a mantra I like to use, "She did this to herself." Sure you are collateral damage and it hurts like hell. But when there is hell to pay, it won't be you. Instead pray for them to have remorse and contrition and to fully understand the depravity of their despicable acts and to fully understand their evil nature and to turn away from it.

Those AP's and WS's that get it will suffer enough on earth (if they indeed have true remorse and contrition). Those that don't will suffer elsewhere. That's the thing I like about purgatory. That's where they (and I) "work off the pounds" they put on on earth.

My 2 cents. Take it or leave it. It works for me.

I feel you! I HIGHLY recommend reading 'Forgiving the unforgivable' book. It opened my eyes to all different ways of healing. Not everyone can connect with the same path of forgiveness. I have been talking about empathy a lot at counseling.... empathy in general for humanity, I'm not ready for empathy for my spouse. It always helps to go out and volunteer somewhere where other ppl are hurting. Going to an old folks home and holding the hand of a veteran who has fought and live through so much, lost so much, lived through pain and triumphs... it's healing. Watch documentaries on sad things and be reminded that there is true evil out there. I know it sounds silly but it helps me on my bad days. I may be struggling one day, and if I watch a documentary on the holocaust I can feel like my nightmares are not that bad. If a Survivor of the Holocaust confine empathy compassion and forgiveness for Nazis it gives me hope that I can get there one day too. It's a long long process and I struggle every single day every single day.

I feel you about justice.

I have always been the one to stand up against injustice... even as a preschooler! My folks would tell teachers "she has a very well defined sense of justice".

Justice has been the centerpiece of the last 10+ years of my professional life.

I get it.

And

others are right. There is NO justice for a BS after an A. None. Zero. I don't think most (any?) WS' understand that (mine certainly does not - and I thought justice was important to him too.... post dday, turns out not so much - at least when it comes to me).

And

We must let it go. We MUST let it go and come to acceptance. Not because it allows a cheater to get away with it, but because it holds us back on being the best we can be.

It sucks, but I don't want to be a bitter person for the rest of my life. I want to spend the rest of my life working on me for me, regardless of my WH or his POSOW (tho I have to admit, placing that toilet paper in the cutesy shops & restaurants around her home does have a certain appeal).

The greatest justice, I think, is to live our lives honorably and authentically because it's the right way to live, creates right relations with others and ourselves. Justice is a BS taking control of their lives and determining for themselves what they can and cannot accept.

Yup.

I'm reading a book called "How Can I Forgive You" by Janis Spring. I'm not a fan of Ms. Spring's and did not read After the Affair based on reports from a bunch of folks (including my IC who has specialized in infidelity for a long long time) that it has too much BS blame (or wayward apologizing). But, I came across it at my library and thought what the heck.

It is been extremely helpful for me. First, it's not limited to infidelity, and I can see some ways that I need to work on apologizing others. She differentiates between cheap forgiveness, acceptance and "genuine forgiveness". I think all BS must come to acceptance or we will end up bitter forever (not what I want for my life). But her definition of "genuine" forgiveness requires the offending party (here, a WS) to atone and participate... to EARN it.

That's the closest "justice" we will ever get.... that our WS do the work to EARN our forgiveness.

My Grandma always said: Living well is the best revenge.

Turns out Grandma was right.

Godspeed.

You can always seek justice. But are you prepared to accept the consequences? Unfortunately, adultery/infidelity are not illegal. Putting an AP’s head through a wall is. Are you prepared to go to jail to get that momentary satisfaction? I’m fairly confident to predict 90% of BS wouldn’t.

There is absolutely no justice that will compensate for my pain. I did get some level of satisfaction when I revealed the affair to the AP’s wife, parents and siblings. They ostracized him. It made me feel better for a few weeks. But it didn’t lift the sorrow in my heart for what my wife did. It just didn’t.

The AP hears my name and soils his pants. He knows I can put his head through a wall. But the POS is not worth jail. If only we were in the Middle Ages, revenge would be legal.

Here is the dilemma -- what was taken from you can never be fixed, replaced or paid for and the wounds you suffered will eventually heal but will always have some impact that doesn't fully disappear. In short, even "justice" doesn't fix it. You've been wronged and the suffering that comes with it is yours to work through however unfair that is.

I get it. It is awful. It is something that each of us ends up wrestling with. You aren't alone and you are understood. It is part of the journey of grieving and healing.

The question for you now is whether you are subjecting yourself to ongoing pain and injury. While you stayed for your kids, the issue is whether you have a WW who is remorseful and is truly working towards reconciliation or if you are in a situation where you are continuing to be treated with a lack of love and respect. If you are being continually wounded, your feelings about justice aren't just part of a healing process, but are a commentary about a situation that isn't tenable long term.

This wakeup call of an affair can actually make a marriage better than ever. There is your justice! An amazing marriage, even though it took a serious heartbreak to get there.

An affair is not a “wake up call” for any marriage.

It is a repulsive personal moral failure on the behalf of the adulterer.

Affairs have nothing to do with the betrayed spouse or the marriage.

The bonus is you can think about the OP and smile, you're with your spouse making a happy successful life with them and have a sense of satisfaction that if it weren't for them your marriage would still be in the old stale place.

As though the adultery partner did the betrayed spouse a big favor of improving the marriage by fucking his wife?

No.

The adultery partner is nothing more than totally worthless piece of shit. End of story.

This notion that affairs can make marriages “better than ever” is a horrific fallacy.

If it was true, then maybe the Ashley Madison website should be considered a Marriage Therapy website.

Im not nearly as far out as you but I find this to be a struggle. The OW has a baby on the way and they just bought their first house meanwhile Ive miscarried twice during the A and part of me wants to sell our house (our first one we bought) because the A was going on when we bought it. Telling myself that karma works itself out isn't enough most days. Knowing that she's done this to multiple families makes it worse. I find myself wishing horrible things to happen to her when that's not who I am. Ive thought of things I can do that will make me feel better but she will know its me and I don't want my husband to lose his job. Its like Im stuck here left to just deal with it but her life continues on just fine. And the saying that we don't know what goes on behind closed doors and that she could be miserable in her life is absolutely no reassurance for me.