SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

No problem! This is what the forum is for. To be honest, I think it was about 6 months after dday and we were text arguing and some of the stuff she said was just so mean (that I was a loser and needed to get laid and leave her alone...). That was the moment and trigger when I realized that she would never get out of the fog and that this is just who she was. Also whenever she was with the guy her texts would be very aggressive vs when he wasn’t around. It was that moment when I realized there is no possibility of reconciliation so I decided to file. Sure there was a million things running through my head and my stomach was in knots like I made the wrong decision but here 3 months later and it was the only thing left for me to do. Like you, I tried everything from making changes to marriage counseling, etc. All I did was just catch her speaking to him again and again and it was just lie after lie I mean I even found her at a hotel with him and she proceeded to tell me it wasn’t what I thought and that she was just tired... sure adults sleep in hotels playing scrabble lol.

As for her ever getting out of the fog, the answer is no. She is still living in fantasyland and once they begin an actual relationship (not this I fly to you in France and then you fly here to visit me bs), that the real people in each of them will come out and they will crash and burn once reality sets in. Right now their relationship is just mostly “vacations” to see each other. One of the best things I ever did was inform the other guys wife. She was so thankful and we both helped each other tremendously to piece everything together. Not to mention I made a new friend in the process!

The “him” that you are referring too is no longer there. This is the new him and I know it’s going to be hard but you need to accept it. The sooner you accept this the sooner you will see him for what he really is. Also even if you do end up getting divorced it doesn’t have to end badly. For sure you won’t speak and be friends (I don’t at least), but I got over the anger phase and finally forgave my wife, not for her but for me. It was at that moment that I realized how much stronger I became and there’s a lot of life left to live filled with tons of experiences and moments for me to live through. Not to mention I know I will find my dream wife someday when I least expect it and that alone is worth living for! I know this is all just words for you right now, but trust me (I know I’m a stranger) but you will realize this and find yourself again and someday find the man of your dreams who will love and respect you as you deserve.

the reason why I have not confronted him with the proof of infidelity is because I violated his privacy by going through his account.

Geeze!!! You have a lot to learn. He will play you like a fiddle only if you let him.

Make no mistake. This is a part of who he is. You just don't want to see it.

There's no such a thing as "privacy" in the M other than toilet time, when you get married "my privacy" becomes "our privacy", plus don't confuse privacy with secrecy, if you have enough proof to confront then do it and EXPOSE the A with ALL family, close friends and OBS if any.

Wow, that is really interesting about your dog. Animals are so authentic; they really cannot fathom deceit.

I told you in a previous response that clearly your dog is smarter than your husband. Your dog loves you back. Your dog is mastering the 180. Now it's your turn to learn from your dog.

Are you angry? Like REALLY angry? Because you should be. That is the normal response. Watching them have their affair by text, waiting it to fall apart so he'll come back to you is sad. Really, really sad. I say this gently, not condemning you at all. You should find out why you are so willing to accept this shitty behavior towards you. You are worth SO much more! Hugs

I’m sorry you are suffering through this during the holidays. It just makes it that much worse by ruining the season IMO.

Typical cheater behavior:

Blame the spouse for the A (as in its your fault I cheated on you because......)

Lie

Refuse to discuss anything like an adult

Use “long work hours” as a way to hide the Affair

Your cheating Husband is counting on you to keep the peace in your house. He treats you like dirt but expects you will do his lsundry and be his wife and make his life easy. Please know that is typical cheater behavior.

The 180 is designed to protect you from him and his Affair. You are not his wife - he has made that clear. He has shown you disrespect but you have shown him love and continue to give him respect.

My H played me like a yo yo for six months during his A. He was divorcing me for the OW - he knew her six months and we were married 25 years. I did not have this blog so I made all the classic mistakes. Same as you.

But the day I found out I had worked my butt off to reconcile while he was still cheating was the last straw. I very calmly told him I wa divorcing him. I could no longer live with his infidelity and he was free to be with the OW or anyone else.

We had a children and a mortgage etc. it came down to putting me first for once.

He never expected it. He was stunned I said it. He knew he pushed me too far. He expected me to sweep it under the rug. Except I would not. I told him he had to leave. He refused so I made a phone call and told him he was going to stay with a friend until he found a place. Kids and I were staying in our home and he was paying for it.

I then took back my power in our marriage. I called the shots.

I was no longer a doormat and was tough. He got no sympathy or consideration in anything. As an example if our children were home he was able to eat dinner with us and I was polite to him (prior to him moving out). If our children were not home I did not speak to him and I did not eat with him.

We have reconciled and it’s been 5 years. He tries to make amends every day for what he did. It shows how much he values our marriage and family. He also knows I can leave him for no reason - at any time. Just like he did to me. He takes nothing for granted.

Best of luck to you. Hope my story helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:31 AM, December 24th (Monday)]

I think I just hit the anger stage. I was going through random stuff in our kitchen and found his old phone. We got him a new one last month and he just left it in a drawer without logging out of any apps, so everything is still syncing to the cloud. I just saw pictures of him and this woman in Vegas, where the funeral was held. I guess I just needed to see it to believe it.

I have the proof I need and I want to confront him, but I'm traveling this weekend and he was originally supposed to watch the dog. I'm worried he will just neglect the dog if I kick him out today. The dog has never been away from both of us for more than half a day so if I board her, I'm worried she might feel abandoned. She was a rescue so she's been abandoned before and I'm terrified she might feel that way again. I care about and love the dog and I really don't know what to do about her. She's large so none of my friends can care for her.

I'm done worrying about him right now. I don't know if it's the sudden rage, but seeing the pictures just makes me so mad. It was one thing to see the conversations but it's another to now see the pictures. I'm beyond upset and I'm having a hard time keeping myself together. All I can think of right now is showing him the pictures, asking how and why the affair happened, and then asking him to leave. I can't think beyond that and all I can think about is what is going to happen to the dog. My emotions are all over the place right now and I don't know what to do right now.

Betrayed, I totally understand the issue with your dog. I have a rescue dog which I adopted about two years ago. I agree that taking her to a kennel will absolutely traumatized her. With my own dog, every time she went anywhere near that environment, including the vet and the dog groomer, she panicked because she thought she was going to get left there.

My suggestion is, call a couple of local rescue centers and ask if they have any Foster humans that could keep her just for the days you are gone. She'll be less afraid in a home environment. People who work for rescue centers are special people. And they know special people. People who know just how traumatized these lovely souls are.

And by the way. Merry Christmas. Try anyway. I'll keep you and your furbaby in my prayers. Your husband? Not so much.

Go be with your family and let your husband care for your dog. Use the time to seek the counsel of those who love you deeply. Gather your strength. Formulate a plan. Come home and immediately go see an attorney.

Then drop the hammer. The amount of disrespect your husband is demonstrating is absolutely staggering. The funeral mindfuck needs to be the final humiliation you suffer.

You are brave and strong. You need to walk out of this miserable marriage and walk into the life you deserve.

Now that you have the proof confront his ass and if he gets angry at you tell him to shove the anger up his ass because this is all on him. As for your dog, if you were in NJ I would gladly watch your pup (I love dogs). There’s an app called Rover which hooks you up with loving families that have dogs and watch them. You can read reviews to ask questions and everything. My friends are rover sitters and I use it all the time when they are full with dogs. The app is like a babysitter app for dogs.

Btw, Merry Christmas and keep your head up. The grass will get greener.

Thank you all for your support!

I'm going to confront him tonight and let him know he practically left the proof out there for me to find. I'm going to be strong and I'm not going to let him push me around. I'm considering divorce right now but I need to make sure that is not an emotional decision that I'm making based on how I'm feeling right now.

What everyone has been saying is correct - if I was being that loving and caring wife and he still cheated, then me continuing to be that wife is not going to change anything. I was just so focused on saving the marriage that I couldn't see past that. I will set boundaries and let him know I'm no longer going to cater to him. He can move out if he wants; he'll still be responsible for his portion of the expenses for the house as long as his name is on the mortgage. He can do his own laundry and cook his own food. I did all those things for him to make his life easier and all he did was repay me with lies. I don't even know if he appreciated those things anymore. I don't want to continue living with lies because I'm torturing myself day in and day out. All the flaws that he pointed out are actually things that make me who I am. I was so stupid for thinking something was wrong with me when all along he just wanted to pass his guilt onto me.

As for the dog, she is his dog as well, so I will ask if he is still willing to care for the dog while I'm gone. I feel like people would do the same if they had children... right? If he doesn't want to care for her then I will look for an alternative or cancel my trip if I have to. FinanceGuy123 - I've checked out Rover and Wag before but they don't come into my neighborhood. I'll figure it out though, and thank you so much for all your advice and encouragement!

I'll keep everyone updated on how things go. It's a tough journey especially during the holidays but I will make it! I'll most likely ruin Christmas for him, but I don't care right now. I have to learn to be selfish. He put me through psychological hell these past few months so ruining a holiday shouldn't be such a big deal. Happy Holidays everyone!!

You're a strong woman, you'll get through this, don't take any bs from him, he DECIDED to cheat, his A is 100% his fault, EXPOSE him with ALL family and close friends.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 6:13 PM, December 24th (Monday)]

I read your entire post betrayed. What I come away with from it is that you're in denial, you're co-dependent, and you need to find a good counselor to talk things over with. You have great potential to do amazing things but you're allowing another person to determine your mental living conditions. You need to find yourself and decide what you want out of your life. Once you figure that out, you need to go for it with or without your spouse.

You sound like a lovely person that any man would be honored to have as a partner. You deserve much better treatment than you're getting but the only way to get that treatment from your current partner is to require it. Choose not to be a doormat. Choose to be you and never accept responsibility for other people's feelings. You should have two immediate goals: 1. Get yourself out of infidelity. 2. Take your life back.

A "doormat" can at times be subjective to the people at hand and NOT those who are on the outside so to speak. I read most of the post and then my first thought was a lack of understanding...that viscious cycle where spouses make statements and the partner hears differently. I've always wondered when spouses are away so often (business-wise)how it is ok. I do not accept that BS excuse that they are providing for their family because often that results in more problems or issues.

That "defensiveness" when confronted by a spouse is often a blurting out of resentments. And resentments in any scenario is a negative emotion that often results in that defensive behavior or comments by the the "accused" spouse.

Both seem at an impasse for different reasons.I would suggest counseling "if" both are committed to a neutral opinion. I am saddened when not only job status seems to ruin a relationship, but more so when both spouses can not recognize it as a factor and thereby are at a stand still. I have read too many stories here where it "seems" that travel lends to problems. Inasmuch as I don't suggest that employees who are expected to travel for a company forego that, for some reason that set up seems to cause problems.

Both of you seem to have an obvious difference of norms, therefore seek out a reliable and well-educated counselor that may hopefully reinforce what a compromise means.

Merry Christmas!

Just wanted to give everyone an update. We spoke last night and I asked him if he was in a relationship with the other woman and he straight up denied it. I told him I'd like us to be honest with each other because I'm tired of lies and the answer was still "No."

I showed him everything I found on his old phone that was still syncing to the cloud; there were photos of them together in Vegas (where the funeral for the friend's mom was held) and he said she's a really really really good friend who went out to help him through a tough time. And I wasn't allowed to go because I made him feel so uncomfortable that he didn't want me there. He is constantly sharing his location with her, and that is because they're really good friends who want to make sure they know where they were at all times. Because that's what good friends do. Except when his wife asks him where he is, he feels like he's reporting to her. As for the messages, it's okay to call friends baby, babe, my love, and darling. It's okay to let your friends nap on you when they're tired. Also, it's okay to tell them that you love them and send them <3's all the time. Because that's what friends do. And also, I shouldn't have been going through his stuff because it doesn't matter that we are married and have not had any secrets between us for the past 9 years, things were 'not good' lately so I should have left his stuff alone. Lastly, when you have your location turned, Google tracks where you go. I asked him why he lied about where he was the past few days because Google showed he left work at 3, went to a restaurant and stayed there for 3 hours, and then went to the woman's apartment for 3 hours. He said he didn't lie, he just wasn't comfortable telling me where he was because I made it really uncomfortable for him to be at home. Even though we have not interacted the past few weeks...

I told him that we both know what the truth is so it doesn't really matter what words he just said. We both agreed that we no longer want to be married to each other. He said the snooping is what made him change his mind from last week, when he was still unsure about us. I told him I was tired of living a lie and just left it at that. So we decided to have a calm conversation and go over what things we wanted to divide. The main issue I have is the dog. He and I both agree that I am the better option for the dog. I have a better work schedule, I take care of the dog like 99% of the time during the year, and the dog listens to me more, is happier around me, and gets more exercise with me. But he thinks he should get the dog because he loves her too. I asked how he was going to give the dog a consistent schedule when he couldn't even come home at a decent time and he said he was going to make things work. We'll reconvene next week on that. We have decided that whoever does not get the dog has 'visitation rights' and in the event that traveling comes up, the other will be the first option to care for the dog. Plus, the other woman hates dogs so I feel like he's just doing this to spite me.

The other thing is the house. Ideally I'd like to keep it but what sucks when you live in a community property state is everything is split 50/50 even though he contributed only 20% of the down payment that we put down. I asked him if he would be okay with me buying out his % of the contribution and he said he would think on it. I'm not holding onto the house because of memories or anything; I love the house, it's one of the biggest accomplishments of my life (so far), and there is so much space for the dog to roam around in. I'm pretty sure whichever place he finds will either be too small for the dog, or will not allow dogs.

And just to let everyone know, I did not shed a tear during this entire conversation. I realized everything was over when he looked me in the eye and lied about being in a relationship with her. I saw all that deceit and guilt in his eyes. He's never lied to me before, but I have seen him lie to others and it's the way his lips are pursed, his tone is stern, and he gives 1 word answers. He thinks I don't know him, but when you've been with someone for 9.5 years and known them for like 15, you learn a few things about them..

Also, he thought divorces can happen in a few weeks... Has he lost his mind?! I told him there is a waiting period that lasts a few months and his eyes looked like they were going to pop out. He wants to pay a fee to have it expedited and I told him that's not how the law works, especially since we have a house together.. He dragged me through hell for close to 3 months, claimed the relationship has been dead for almost 2 years, and now he can't wait the few months to finalize a divorce? Something isn't adding up but I guess I don't really care anymore.

Anyhow, he has agreed to watch the dog when I'm traveling so that is a relief. He will tell his family, I will tell mine. A part of me wants to tell his family my version of the truth, but I don't want to be that petty. At the same time, I feel like they should know at least to look out for themselves. In all the years that I've known my husband, from friends through marriage, he was never a manipulative person. I don't know how a change of character happens within a matter of months. A part of me wonders if this was in him all this time and it just never manifested, or if it's her influence. I just want to watch out for his family. We weren't the closest, but they were nice to me and I care about them. What does everyone think?

And remember how I said I need to work on myself and find myself again? Well my dog and I went on a 5 mile hike this Christmas morning, and then she took a bath and went for an hour long walk to dry off, so we're both exhausted now. Meanwhile, the soon-to-be-ex-husband has been on the couch all morning binge watching Netflix. I'm guessing his really really really close friend had to spend time with her boyfriend, and since I dropped the divorce talk on him last night, he had nowhere to go / nothing to do on Christmas day. He's getting ready to go out now so he's probably going to see her soon. Doesn't he sound more like plan B? I'm going to relax and take a bubble bath later and catch up on some reading that I've missed out on the past few years. I stopped reading because he felt like I was paying more attention to books than him... Time to binge read for me? The holidays aren't so bad when you don't have to live with lies I guess.

I'll let everyone know how things progress. Thanks for all the support and advice so far! I know there is a long journey ahead so I'm sure I'll be providing updates along the way!

Please pay attention to money. Get to the bank ASAP and get your money into your own account. Shut down shared credit cards etc. see a lawyer ASAP.

I am so glad you are getting this right. If you get a chance you should read LtCdrLost. He found out while deployed and when he came home he hyper focused and got his life back.

Believe it or not this is a good Christmas present because you can go into the new year free from his lies.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 5:36 PM, December 25th (Tuesday)]

Lock down your financial security as soon as you can. No contact equals no new hurts. Only discuss on issues of finance and the dog. Otherwise, no emotional talk or discussion.

Also, if you have not told him, the OW’s bf deserves to be told he is living a lie. It would be a gift of kindness to expose to him. You are doing well.

Every day that you wake up you have the option to decide to be happy or to not be happy. It sounds like you’ve made the simple, good decision

I’m not so sure this is the case when you recently decide to divorce. Just feel the feels OP. You’re doing great!

Congrats Betrayed on getting the courage to confront him. I’m glad it went well and wasn’t drama filled like all of mine were. As for the dog, don’t even give one thought of letting him take her. If you do, based on what you have told me it sounds like he will neglect the dog and that’s not fair to her. My advice would be to just simply state I’m getting the dog and be done with that topic. Also the whole visitation rights thing with a dog is bs, I bet after your divorce is settled he never reaches out to you again regarding the dog... just my opinion on that.

As for him binge watching Netflix and having no clue about how the divorce process works, he reminds me a lot of my WW in that she did the same things (she even went as far to neglect her job and I believe was or will eventually be put on probration). It’s almost as if they are both airheads. I wouldn’t even reach out to his family as no matter what you tell them they are his family and will still stand by his side no matter what poor decisions he made. I did just that and her immediate family still allowed the OM into their home to spend Christmas. What it did do was cause tension between her extended family (aunts and uncles) and from what I can gather that her father went to his side alone as her mom stayed with her and their immediate family for Christmas (kudos for the extended family not being complete assholes about the whole situation and standing up for what they believe in).

Him telling you that by you snooping was the final reason why he doesn’t want to remain married is complete bs. This is more blameshifting to try and justify his affair. Also, he’s been this person the entire time and the manipulative part has unfortunately always been a part of him, you were just in a good place that you couldn’t see it. Give it a few months and when you look back you will find red flags here and there (I did as least). Read all the books that you want to read as now you will have the time. Look at this whole situation as a blessing from God (or whoever you believe in) and be glad that you didn’t have kids like me. The world works in mysterious ways.