SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

NotthemanIwas,

You sound a lot like me. 2.5 years after D-day and your wife is still hooked on the guy. Our divorce will be final at the beginning of the year.

I asked my WW to unfriend her AP. She quit Facebook altogether. That's fine, but she said that checking in on him made it seem real that they were quit. Uh-huh. I know the truth behind that lie.

Don't believe anything she says. She's a junkie trying to get her next fix. Believe what she does. She "likes" him. There's nothing subtle to that.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you our situations were similar. I much happier divorced and moved out.

[This message edited by breatheme at 1:46 PM, December 26th (Wednesday)]

Actually, she's not privy to my journal entries. What I just posted was for the forum's eyes only. It was me emptying my brain out in writing. It's cathartic to see it in print. As for divorce, that is a non-starter for me because of our financial and domestic situation. Just needed to put that journal entry out there. Makes me feel momentarily better. And, yes, I do understand how it'd look weak to you. Because of our circumstances, I'm prepared to indefinitely cohabitate with a roommate. Just need to frame my mind to deal with it.

NotTheManIWas:

I totally agree with beenthereinco, she needs to read this and see your feelings. It is very powerful and accurately reflects your feelings. But I also agree you have to be prepared to act and take the next step as he says in case I t doesn’t have an impact on her as it should. Don’t keep putting yourself thru the wringer. You deserve better. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 4:50 PM, December 26th (Wednesday)]

As for divorce, that is a non-starter for me because of our financial and domestic situation

Can you elaborate?

What I read is that you are still with your WW not because she’s making all the efforts to reconcile, but solely because of financial and domestic situation.

She is still in contact with the OM (OMs ?) and hence, you are still in infidelity.

Everybody here will advise you to get out of infidelity, either through real R or through D.

I wish you strength.

NotTheManIWas - It would absolutely be a condition of R (and was in my case) that anyone my WH had inappropriate contact with be unfriended/blocked on all social media, so yeah, I'd be pretty upset about posts being liked because there is no reason (in my opinion) that she should still be Facebook friends with the AP.

I should make this clear. The man whose post she liked was not the original OM. The OM from D-Day, I believe, is out of the picture. See, my wife, who is a beautiful woman with a very approachable personality, lost 120 lb as of about 2016 which is when the trouble started. Since the OM she has been flirtatious on a number of occasions & I told her that her behavior in the context of the trouble that we've been through is damn disrespectful.

This latest incident on Facebook might be a little bit more than that. I don't believe that he is interested, but I do think she may be experiencing what can only be described as a schoolgirl crush. I don't fucking like it because pre D-Day I might have chuckled, but I expect that the attention she seeks should be from me in order that I recover from the aftermath of D-day. I've also told her that the gloves come off if I ever see this bullshit again. I'll call her out in front of everybody, and I'll be particularly snarky and snide with her new school girl crush who happens to be her brother's best friend. Let him come after me for dressing him down in front of other people. It won't go well for him.

Lastly, and another component of this, is the fact that she told me a few years ago that she'd lost her libido. Hence, her seeking attention is particularly galling. I've told her I'm at a stage now where I don't want or need her to tend to me. I'm healing on my own now. I've managed get back some of my dignity and am on the path to a brand of manhood I now imagine for myself. We'll stay together because of our circumstances (too complicated to elaborate on), but she will have to go fucking celibate now. I've told her, you reap what you sow. Call it penance.

I have a problem with Facebook anyway. What the hell is so important about Facebook that some people think that everybody needs to see pictures of what they had for dinner and stupid things like that. It is the height of self absorption. Does is make them feel important? Are they that starved for attention? Is it a compulsion of an addition of some sort?

I would suggest that she just stays off Facebook for a few months and concentrate on what should be the most important relationship of her life, her marriage.

It's time somebody explain the consequences to her and take concrete actions to demonstrate what she is about to lose.

If that doesn't get through to her, walk away, because you have nothing left to salvage.

There isn’t enough info here for anyone to offer any constructive help IMHO.

We don’t know if the OM is an OM as in a direct sexual context (as in WW and OM met). If the OM is the HS BF from 40 years ago. If WW had an affair with HS BF 40 years ago or met him again 2 ½ years ago. If the new FB OM getting the likes is an OM or simply someone she posts likes to…

We don’t know if this is infidelity or extreme jealousy.

Sorry. But we need info if you want constructive help.

@Bigger,

Your observations are thoroughly justified. In the process of putting down the backstory in a coherent way (maybe tomorrow morning).

Thanks for chiming in. Much respect for your opinions and feedback that I've read in other threads.

Because of our circumstances, I'm prepared to indefinitely cohabitate with a roommate

You've got one shot at life. Is this really how you want to spend the rest of yours?

I dunno. I think I would rather be penniless and living in a box under a bridge than spend one more day tied to a remorseless cheater.

I just picked a scab on my leg. It started to bleed. Wounds that are messed with, and re-injured dont heal right.

I had a similar thing and it was one of the last nails in the coffin of our false R. I had specifically asked that a certain person not be part of our lives any more. He sent her a friend request on FB out of the blue after 15 years of no contact (I think). He was originally my friend a long time ago. I suspected something was up (she was cheating at the time but says not with him) and we lost touch. She has never admitted to anything with him. Then I find search traces of his name on her FB account from after I had made this request. It just showed me that she was not safe and quite happy to do whatever she liked behind my back.

@lawyerman,

You've just exactly mirrored my reaction to the seemingly innocuous 'like' that mine did with the POS in question.

I'd like to know how you responded to the Facebook behavior of yours.

I got very angry and and ranted for a while (on my own). I didn't know she had bugged the house and was recording it all. In the end, it's for the best. I have always struggled with trust since she had her A (found out years later but always suspected). I just see it as wayward behavoir. No hope of change. So that was that.

NTMIW, since you are prepped to live with a roommate, in order to live a life you are in control of, you can either control her actions through letting her know your feelings and allow her feelings for you to guide her, which sounds unlikely to work, or just strive for full detachment and get on with your life as much untethered from her as possible. Strive for not caring.

R can mean reconciling oneself to the situation, right? Recognize it and make the best of it. Maybe she will come around, maybe she won’t. Maybe it will be too little too late if she does.

It just sounds like a lot of games are being played right now, between you and her. You don’t have to play them.

Sending strength!

First, detach. Since you are resolved, for now, to not file for divorce, then get your ducks in a row to be able to file for divorce in the future. If, between now and the time you do file in the future, she comes around and actually finds true remorse, you can reassess. However, be aware that it's unlikely that she is even capable of true remorse

First, detach. Since you are resolved, for now, to not file for divorce, then get your ducks in a row to be able to file for divorce in the future. If, between now and the time you do file in the future, she comes around and actually finds true remorse, you can reassess. However, be aware that it's unlikely that she is even capable of true remorse

Folks, thank you for your replies. Funny, or at least interesting, and I know all of you have heard this before, but your observations are mostly dead-on. And because of it, I feel a bizarre sense of responsibility to report back to you.

So after over a year, the 180 drove her back my way to 'talk'. This was a couple of weeks ago, and at the end of our first session, we agreed to limit our chats to once a week on Saturday mornings. Our first talk lasted hours and it began, predictably, with her blame-shifting, diversionary tactics, and a bit of gaslighting. I shut it down aggressively, and our subsequent talks have been a little more civil. I know I don't have the full truth about the original D-Day yet. And so after having spent a couple of months on this site reading, rereading, and analyzing, I understand that I'm being trickle truthed and that there are things she will probably take to her grave.

However, and I'm not suggesting this is any real tangible improvement, yesterday was the first day that she avoided the blame shifting which is one of her go to tactics. The chat centered around the subject of how we interact with one another moving forward. Mostly about the boundaries that I insist on. Issues of consideration and respect. It was the closest she's come to an outpouring of remorse and expression of devotion for me.

Full disclosure to you folks, HB ensued later that afternoon. Hell, I don't know if that's a step back, or a kind of progress. I do know that I'll be much more guarded today while framing it for her that we need to take this slow. Call it a modified 180.

One possible upshot, as I see it, is reduced tensions in the house. The bizarre internal reaction that I'm having is that after a year of detachment and learning not to care or give a shit, being kind to one another feels almost uncomfortable to me. Pain shopping?

Been asking myself, what's my end game? What benefit can I get from this change in our atmosphere? The thing that grinds at me is the lack of full disclosure from her. The, I gotta know. Will this seemingly more trusting environment draw her out? I know, so much damn gamesmanship.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I shortened it up a bit for you.

From this day forward I want you to take back your power.

YOUR NEEDS > her needs

Buy these 2 books and read them.

1. "codependent no more"

2. no more mr nice guy

[This message edited by destroyed1 at 7:30 AM, December 30th (Sunday)]

I'm prepared to indefinitely cohabitate with a roommate.

HB ensued later that afternoon. Hell, I don't know if that's a step back, or a kind of progress.

A major step forward if you are choosing to stay indefinitely.

But read those books and keep working on you. I think you are doing great!