SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey BB8, it's funny how similar our stories are. We all go through this bullshit thinking no one else will understand, but it's jarring how similar each cheater acts and thinks. My STBXWW pretty much acted and thought the same as your WH. All the blameshifting, how it's all my fault, how she hasn't been happy in 7 years and didn't want to work on things and just wanted out. We will never understand the complete 180 of attitudes our spouses take when they are found out. I had the most passionate sex with my STBXWW the night before I found out. There were absolutely no signs aside from a little distant behavior.

Your comment about how your WH is under the OW's spell rings true too. The words that came out of my STBXWW's mouth just didn't seem like hers, like he was manipulating her. The truth is, we both married absolutely broken and weak people. And we both were fortunate to find out that our spouses are broken BEFORE we had kids. This is a positive. You won't see it now, I don't see it some days. But as you move through the stages of healing, you'll look back and be thankful.

I've been saying that broken and shitty people are good at hiding it or else they'd be alone for their whole lives. What we believed our spouses to be just isn't true. This is who they are. They have shitty boundaries, they avoid conflict, and are weaker than a wet piece of toilet paper. This is one of the hardest things to come to terms with, you think you knew your spouse. You want to go back to a place where your spouse is the person they used to be, the person you always knew. But they were the same shitty person they are now, they just hid it.

I am only 3 months removed from DDay, 1.5 months from filing for divorce. I fought for my marriage as much as I could stomach and ultimately, I couldn't force her to try and fix things when her head was so far up the OM's asshole. I am here to say that the days ahead of you are going to suck ass. I'm only a little ahead of you in going up shit creek but believe me when I say, you dodged a bullet. You might not see it, but be thankful. We are both young and we still have some time to rebuild. I don't see it much, and you won't either.

My advice right now is to feel your pain coursing through your body. Accept it and let it enfold you. Soon you will learn how to focus it out of your body the same way it came in. Acknowledging that you are in pain is the first step to healing. In terms of your WH and divorce, the only advice I can give is act in such a manner that when you look back on these moments in a year, or five years, you can say to yourself that you acted with integrity and you can feel positive.

I'm right there with you in the trenches.

[This message edited by Falc at 4:44 PM, December 28th (Friday)]

First, get a lawyer, talk to several and pick the most ruthless.

Second,

....he just made a pass at me!!! Jesus!!

Don't trust this guy, he may be helping now, but he definitely playing both sides. The pass may have been a set-up orchestrated by both of them, so you can't use the infidelity against him if you did they same.

What ever info he is feeding you, question it and verify.

Third,

At this point, he as disabled my access to all of our household things (Ring door bell, comcast cameras, etc.).

You need to disable those by pulling the plug, removing the batteries, or putting electrical tape over the lenses or something like that. You certainly don't want him monitoring your front door and security cameras, ( or do you? hmmmmmm, that has some possibilities, maybe a little subterfuge to keep him guessing. A stream of hunky men ringing your door bell and you with a cheerful greeting inviting them in, strictly as a ruse, mind you, just to mess with his head?).

Sorry, that gets my evil mind spinning....

I don;t know has tech savvy he is. He is obviously trying to stay ahead of you and has a head start. Do you know any IT geeks that could help you out. I would also look for hidden cameras or nanny cams just in case, check everything, top to bottom, including you car for GPS and VAR.

Also I'd check your computer, if this has been planned for awhile, he may be following you every move with some kind of software he can access remotely. Can he access your phone texts, messages, emails, laptop cameras?

He may be reading this right now.

If he has planned to make a clean getaway, he may have tried to cover his ass by keeping track of you.

Just a few things to think about.

This kind of cheating and walking away just really chaps my ass.

[This message edited by twisted at 5:00 PM, December 28th (Friday)]

you are in this mental state and the friend made a pass at you? What an idiot. Looks like your WH has a group with playboy mentality. If you want you can pretend to play along to get all the details of WH and the other woman that may be useful in whatever going to happen. Depending on the type of job he has this behavior may be a job killer.

[This message edited by goalong at 5:19 PM, December 28th (Friday)]

I'm glad you have a lawyer. Please, just let the lawyer handle everything from this point.

It's time to move on with your life. The man you married has made his choice obvious.

The man you married changed as soon as someone else showed interest. You deserve so much more in your life than someone who would do this.

and now I know why....he just made a pass at me!

Yes, I was just about to warn you about this guy. It's obvious what his game is too. Dont fall for it. It's just a game to make you look stupid and to use you even more. I hate this guy as much as I hate your husband!

At this point I want you to not get involved any further with the drama that is unfolding. You have the story. You know the who, what, where and even some of the why.

I know it will be hard for you, because you are still attached, but you need to detach from him immediately and stay away from him and anyone who knows him.

So please, let you lawyer do the work and remove yourself from your abuser's life forever. Go no contact. Never speak to him again.

It's the only way to win with these type of people.

Thank God you didnt have any kids with him!

I blocked his number in my phone and now have his email address filtered to my trash. In my email response to him I basically ripped him a new one and let it all out.

Here’s an excerpt....

Husband: First, please keep my family out of a private matter between you and I. I don’t know how staying in constant contact with my mother, or stopping by to deliver gifts is helpful for anyone. I think this presents more confusion to my family who should not be involved in the beginning. Our family reserves all right to their opinion, but I’m not sure of your intentions to extend yourself to my family and what is there to gain? –

Me: There is nothing to be confused about here. This shows me right here that you are oblivious to what “family” means and further proves your selfishness. Our families became intertwined over the course of our 12-year relationship and the bond was strengthened during our marriage. Just because you have chosen to be a complete and utter asshole to me, does not overshadow the love that I’ve built for your side of the family. I’ve gotten them something for Christmas every year, so this year was no different. They’ve done nothing wrong to me, so how dare you think that because you decided to officially destroy our marriage, I should cut them off abruptly too after so much time and so many memories. That’s insane and you truly are a heartless sociopath to think so. There is nothing to be gained here, and by you questioning that, again further proves how immature you really are. I could see if we were divorced and on year 2,3, or 4, but we’re not. My intentions and character have not wavered. I’m continuing to be the person I’ve always been toward them - loving and kind. I get it though. Accountability feels like an attack when you’re not ready to acknowledge or own up to how your behaviors have hurt and harmed others.

His response to my email (which was like 4 pages) was this:

“Thanks. You try to sound highly intelligent and use words to convince yourself that this is all my doing. I won’t email you again but please don’t ever tell me how I feel and my reasons for this. You aren’t me”

His story keeps changing. I am slowly cutting off the “snake”, but he basically told me he still has blinders on for this woman and is trying to paint me as the “obsessed wife who won’t let go” because I came back to the house and only got something minimal.

I’m going to get tested...so embarrassing being a married, monogamous woman :(

@Falc - a lot of what he has said so far def sounds like someone else’s words

I’m ashamed to say at first I thought if we had kids when he wanted to, maybe none of this would’ve happened. But I have a feeling it would’ve anyway and am staring to feel blessed I didn’t!

[This message edited by brokenbride8 at 6:26 PM, December 28th (Friday)]

Hey brokenbride, I'm really sorry you find yourself here. I too had a spouse who dropped a demand for divorce on me after failing to voice any of her concerns or opinions despite my best efforts to make her feel welcome to talk to me about anything and who decided starting an affair and leaving me for her AP was the better course of action. My ex-wife's actions also stunned her family and friends and alienated her from almost everyone who cared about her before her affair.

I know you've got the urge to dig and dig and figure out what went wrong and obsess on what you could've done differently or better, but I can tell you with complete confidence that none of it would've mattered because your STBXH is broken. He doesn't know how to communicate, he doesn't know how to cope healthily, and he doesn't have any respect for the people who care about him. If it wasn't this OW he was leaving you for, it would've been another in a year or two or five or twenty. He was always a ticking time bomb and just like me, you didn't see it coming until it blew up. The stonewalling, the blame-shifting, the unbelievable lack of remorse, I've been there and seen that and I know how confusing and painful it is.

The best thing about your situation is that because you don't have kids, you can make a clean break from him. I had a daughter with my exWW and that means I'll be stuck dealing with her in one way or another for many years to come. As fucked up as it sounds, I envy the position you're in.

Hold your head high, exit this marriage with grace, and leave him to reap the rewards of his brokenness and stupidity on his own. He's not your problem anymore. You did nothing wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Hi bb8 - My story is very similar to yours except that OW is half away across the globe in Thailand. Perfect fantasy and I have come to realize that it will always be a fantasy. I waited for 7 months for him to realize his mistakes and walk back to the relationship and try to give it another shot. During this entire time he stayed in ambivalence and expressed his love to me. Later I found out he expressed his love to OW every night and make all sort of plans to see her.

@Falc is right- we cannot make them come back or work on the relationship. They are so deep buried in their own fantasy.

It is a uphill battle, often feels like a failure, and the pain, brokenness is unbearable- I am only now starting the journey. Done waiting.

I am sorry for your pain...

brokenbride, I'm so sorry for the reason you are here on SI but it was the best place to find. Everyone here has had variations of what you're going through. You'll get lots of support, suggestions and cautions from this community.

I haven't read all of the comments made thus far on your thread. If this has already been said I'm sorry if I've taken up space. It appears that your WH has used the technique of re-writing the marriage. It's a common technique used to justify their obnoxious actions. They have to re-write because they are "good" people so there has to be a very solid reason for their behaviour. I suspect the re-writing started taking place sometime after meeting this COW POS OW. There is often, IMO, some basis in fact that can be presented that is the basis for the re-write but was never brought up as an issue to the loving spouse. It is always making mountains out of ant hills or mole hills at the worst.

This is all on your WH. There isn't anything you could have done but didn't or shouldn't have done but did that could have prevented this. It is all on him. Every marriage has issues of some sort. Some have a lot of issues. You were in the same marriage and didn't cheat.

When this falls apart for him I suspect her will come back and be so sorry. That's called hoovering after the vacuum cleaner because he's trying to suck you back in. Since you have no children and are young I would suggest you cut your ties with him and create a new life. The choice is yours, however, so that's just a suggestion from me.

I'm glad you're going to see a lawyer. I suspect that, even though the house is in his name, it will be a marital asset and if there is any equity you'll be entitled to your share. I don't know where you live but if you are in a fault state his adultery will alter the asset split.

Dr. Shirley Glass has said in interviews that the person who has invested the most in a relationship values it more. She also says that it isn't that the cheater wasn't getting enough from the marriage but wasn't giving enough to it (hence, it is of less value). Dr. Glass wrote a very good book called "Not Just Friends". A lot of information on workplace adultery. Workplace adultery is harder to detect (ask me how I know)(actually, don't it's too long a story).

Watch out for yourself. It seems your WH is wanting to get dirt on you to use against you.

My heart goes out to you. Apparently 70% of betrayeds have PTSD. I did. I didn't start to heal until I got a psychologist who dealt with PTSD plus other trauma issues. I suggest you get IC for yourself. Perhaps you already have and I missed it skimming the thread. I do know there was a lot of really good, sound input above.

Try to take care of yourself. Eat, drink water, exercise, journal. If you have trouble eating solid food (like I did) get some meal replacement drinks. I'm so sorry.

Bb8:

You are getting excellent advice. I certainly second everything Firenze and steadychevy have advised. It is spot on. I want to specifically state your home in all probability is marital property. It was your home as much as your WH no matter who’s name was on the deed. You need to investigate this with your atty. Also, whether you live in a fault state where adultery is a factor. You mentioned that you both have good paying jobs. Have you exposed his A to his employer? Just a thought. Keep going. Be as strong as you can. Right now he is just trying to entrap you into doing something stupid. Don’t fall for it. No contact with him means no new hurts.

[This message edited by fareast at 9:43 PM, December 28th (Friday)]

It is scarry when you have no idea how low someone you thought was a good person will go when they cut loose their morals.

This is unbelievable,I really wish you well.

I’m going to get tested...so embarrassing being a married, monogamous woman :(

I was also thoroughly embarrassed that I needed to get tested, but it is truly not your fault. It's likely that you don't have anything and have nothing to worry about, but better safe than sorry. If you can, have someone you trust go with you to get tested. I cried the entire time I was in the doctor's office, and having my mom there was a huge help. Unfortunately, most health care providers have seen this thing before, but the good side to that is that they know you are in pain and they also know not to shame you. My doctor was incredibly helpful, and once she knew I was there to be tested due to my husband's infidelity, without me even having to bring it up she asked if I had been having trouble sleeping (as so many of us BS do) and when I said yes, she prescribed me some Xanax, no questions asked! Also, as painful as this is, you will need to go in and get tested a few more times in the coming months, as some STDs can take longer to show up on tests than others.

His story keeps changing. I am slowly cutting off the “snake”, but he basically told me he still has blinders on for this woman and is trying to paint me as the “obsessed wife who won’t let go” because I came back to the house and only got something minimal.

Oh boy, the rewriting. It seems that your husband and mine would be best friends given how similar their behavior was. According to him he had been telling me he was unhappy "for 6 months" and his favorite line whenever I asked how we got here is that "You just don't listen to me" even though he had recently bought me a Best Wife Ever t-shirt and we had been trying to have a baby for the last 4 months leading up to the discovery of the affair. On the day I caught them in bed together, he screamed at me telling me that I am looney, and "I'm really starting to get concerned that something is mentally wrong with you, because you just aren't getting it!" I know it is difficult, but do not let his rewriting make you question yourself! You will find yourself with a lot of time on your hands, and you will likely start to question if you could have done anything differently, or if any of your behavior pushed him to do this. The answer is absolutely not! His actions, his choices, not yours.

I too left the house. The lease was in both of our names, but knowing that if I forced him to leave he would also force my step daughters to go with him, possibly to the OW's house, and knowing that I could not legally make him leave them with me, I decided it would be safer for them for me to leave the house. As someone else mentioned, it is likely that the house is marital property and that he cannot prevent you from going there, though he will do everything he can to make it miserable for you. Mine installed a deadbolt and a chain (both illegal to install in apartments due to safety concerns) and I had to get my landlord involved to get back in and get my things. I would not be surprised if your husband changes the locks. I would consult with a lawyer to see what you can do if that situation does arise - you may have to get the police involved to get back in and get your things. If your plan is to stay out of the house, then get a Uhaul and get your stuff our ASAP. Even if you have to rent a storage unit for now, it is better than having your stuff sitting in the house, and him able to do what he wants with it. Trust me, my husband had already started throwing things out by the time I came back 5 days later.

Also, he does not seem like a safe person to be around, so if getting yourself out of there is the healthier choice, then screw the "he should be the one to leave, he cheated" mentality and just get yourself into a better situation no matter what! An attorney can help you figure out your rights in regards to the house, and honestly, if he is forcing you out by taking your name off of everything etc., that might give you leverage in your divorce. I know that is not something you want - trust me, I would trade anything to be married and happy again - but like Falc said, unfortunately the person you thought you knew was just a facade.

Also, I agree with a few members here that this complete 180 might signal some sort of substance abuse. After Dday, I ended up finding paraphernalia and substances around the house, had them tested, and found out he has been using meth. Because the paraphernalia were common household items (pens), I had never paid any attention to it before, but I figured out that it's been going on for years. Substance use may or may not be the case with your husband, so I don't want to project, but just something to think about.

Also, my husband's strange behavior (going out on his own more, talking about all of the "pressure" he was feeling etc.) started pretty much immediately after we started trying to have a baby, and I discovered the affair approximately 4 months later, so the timing there is similar to that of your husband's (you mentioned that you two were supposed to start trying next month, I'm assuming that means you've been talking about it for a while). There is something to be said for the pressure that a narcissist starts feeling when they realize that their life might not be completely centered around themselves anymore.

As many have mentioned, you are so much better off! I know it is hard to hear. As a woman who was also trying to have a baby, I understand the pain of realizing that your dream of having a child is going to be put off for a while. That in itself is its own loss that you have to grieve, in addition to the loss of your marriage, and the person you thought you knew. But please know that you are absolutely 100% better off not having children with a man who could do this to you!

Don't forget to take care of yourself! Losing weight in a time like this is normal. Protein shakes were the only thing I could stomach. See your IC regularly. Also, it will help to document everything in a journal. Wishing you the two things I know feel impossible to get during this time- some peace of mind and some sleep!

My H did the same thing - same as your H - but after 25 years of M.

He came home one night and admitted the A - and 10 days later he wants a Divorce for someone he knew less than 6 months. She didn’t want to be the OW so he was ready and willing to dump me.

Unfortunately there is nothing more you can do. You cannot get him to end it or see you differently. Right now you are the enemy because you are standing in the way of him and “his true love”

My only advice is get yourself a good counselor to support you.

Then get a lawyer if you need one.

I tried for six months to “hang in there” and be supportive. Waste of time. However when I found out I thought we had reconciled and he was still cheating - I snapped.

I told him I had no other choice and I was Divorcing him. Suddenly he decided he wanted me back. I told him no. He begged and pleaded.

Somehow we managed to survive his midlife crisis Affair. That was 5 years ago. Still together and happy.

But my plan B was in place and on DDay2 I restored my power in the relationship and am no longer a doormat.

@layla1234 & @FEEL – Thank you! I will def. check out the detaching articles. As cruel and heartless as he has been and as crazy as it sounds, I’m struggling with accepting that I have to figure out what life looks like now.

@goalong – I noticed he could be arrogant when it came to his job. He has progressed in the company pretty quickly for his age…the OW is a lower-level employee, so I know she sees dollar signs when she sees him. Young, attractive, no kids and buying her Tiffany’s already??

@ibonnie & @ twisted – I have been struggling on and off with self-blame…trying to replay certain scenes in my mind or tiffs to backtrack and see if I missed anything. But my husband and I were still intimate and he was still pretending to be very much invested in our marriage (i.e., good morning I love you have a good day texts, checking in throughout the day, planning dinner, still going out to eat, etc.). Struggling with if I had of been kinkier or wore sexier clothes to bed, etc.

@Marie2792 – I noticed in the last month or so he started to drink more. Not to the point of stumbling home drunk or getting black out drunk, but def. more than usual. That’s so crazy with the drugs!!

@betrayalbrokeme – When he wrote me the email with all of the “reasons” why he fell out of love/resentments, he ended it by saying he is “too far gone and is leaving it up to fate”.

@Freeme – She DEFINITELY doesn’t want the affair to get out. I found out from the “snake” that she got mad at my husband for even telling his best friend about them…EVERYONE is baffled by the 180 change. I mean not even an ounce of who he has become has shown through in the past. That what has been driving everyone crazy. Whoever I tell this to literally has to scrape their mouth off the floor in shock and some have even asked if it’s drugs.

@antlered – That’s a great analogy! Thank you. At first I was ultra-sad we didn’t start a family like we had been planning…but it’s a blessing at the end.

@beauchateaux – It most certainly seems like an identity crisis. I feel gutted by this because as naïve as it sounds, I literally thought we’d grow old and gray together. After 12 years of never breaking up, I thought we were good.

@Falc – Stay strong! I’m so sorry you are in the trenches with me What an awful place to be. Thank you for the encouragement and if you feel like I do…no offense, but I hope she rots in hell

@twisted – I have def. contemplated if he is playing both sides…I don’t think by husband knows we’ve spoken (as he has shared just too many of the details I know he wouldn’t want me to know), BUT I do feel like he is still being a “friend” and helping him navigate his relationship with the other woman. Love the evil idea LOL

@firenze – Thank you for sharing. I can confess that I have been obsessing and digging a lot. Even though the info I find hurt me, it’s almost like I’m addicted to it – a glutton for the pain to help convince my heart this is not the man I married. It really sucks.

@steadychevy – Thank you for the book suggestion! Anything to stay busy to keep from crying and going into fits of rage…I truly do sometimes feel like I might have PTSD. Sometimes I dread bedtime because it’s like I can’t control my thoughts. I have also been having dreams/nightmares about my husband. One I was literally fighting demons with a wooden beam trying to save him and another we were in a fancy restaurant on a date and he just started to kiss me passionately out of no where. I’m an entire mess.

@fareast - I am waiting to expose him at work closer to the end of the divorce. My attorney says that if he gets fired, he may be able to get me for alimony or spousal support. How AWFUL would it be to have to PAY HIM after all that he has done….

@HeHadADoubleLife – Thank you for sharing. Going to suck it up and go right away. The fact that there are so many STDs out there makes this situation boil my blood even more. I have a feeling this is not her first rodeo and my husband isn’t the only person she is sleeping with. The re-writing is just SICK!! My heart goes out to you for finding them in bed together…Lord only knows what I would do in that instance. I likely wouldn’t be on the forum to tell the tale…You hit the nail on the head with explaining the levels of grief. It’s truly like an onion with just sooooo many layers. I feel terrified starting life over at 31 when so much of my future surrounded him.

I still can’t believe my husband, the love of my life for the past 12 years is GONE...

[This message edited by brokenbride8 at 11:49 PM, December 28th (Friday)]

I cried the entire time I was in the doctor's office, and having my mom there was a huge help. Unfortunately, most health care providers have seen this thing before, but the good side to that is that they know you are in pain and they also know not to shame you.

^^^This.^^^

Unfortunately, they've seen it all before and aren't going to judge you for having been cheated on. It happens.

I, too, was a sobbing mess at my first STD check (because you should follow up after, not all STDs show up right away). I brought my baby to the appointment because I had no one to leave her with.

My midwife actually said, "what an asshole," gave me a hug, and then explained the procedure, which is really no big deal. It sucks but you'll be okay.

brokenbride, the dreams/nightmares are torture. The worst for me which would make me up in a state of anxiety was me sitting in a chair, unable to move or speak, with them screwing and looking at me and laughing which is kind of what they did. I want you to know that these events will fade away in time and the effect on you will be less and less.

A commonly held view here on SI is that it takes 2 to 5 years to heal whether you R or D. Even with that you will never forget but the memories won't have that paralyzing, anxiety producing, falling down the well effect. I didn't start to heal until after we separated and then only, IMO, because I got a really good psychologist to deal with the PTSD.

As a really old man separated after 40 years of marriage I can tell you that if you decide to D you will be okay. It won't be easy (see 2 to 5 years). I would add that you don't have children and it would look much different if it were 10 years later and you had 3 small children. That makes everything more complex. My daughters were grown and had families of their own when we separated and they were told the reason. I'm only relating to the young children based on what I've read on SI over these years.

You have the prospect of a long and good life in front of you. If you D I would suggest to not jump into a rebound relationship. Take some time for yourself and heal. Realize you are the prize. Love is a decision. You commit and invest. Love comes from commitment not commitment from love. I'm probably getting way ahead of myself here. Sorry. You are worthy of love, respect and commitment. Your WH isn't, at least not now.

There is another book I would recommend. It's "Attached. The New Science Of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love" by Levine and Heller. My psychologist recommended it to me and it was a real eye opener. It gets into helping recognize secure, anxious and avoidant characteristic.

Sorry if this is too much right now, brokenbride. Hug yourself, love yourself. You are worth it.

She DEFINITELY doesn’t want the affair to get out. I found out from the “snake” that she got mad at my husband for even telling his best friend about them…

This makes me think that she is still with the baby daddy. You really need to let him know what is going on. So, so often in these forums we find out the OBS is working hard to fix their marriage, planning a future, in couple counseling... totally unaware that they are being cheated on. They could be planning their wedding for all you know. It sounds bizarre but we've seen similar stories on here. Find out who the baby daddy is and inform him. I'm guessing he has alot of knowledge about the OW he can share.

of course I could be wrong, and they might be in an open relationship but... the fact that she is so against the affair getting out makes me question that.

Do not tell OW that you are going to call her baby daddy. Do not tell WH you are going to call OW baby daddy. Do not try to blackmail OW or WH by saying you are going to tell baby daddy unless they...This is just something you need to do on your own. If WH or OW find out they will try to convince Baby Daddy that you are crazy. Good chance she will throw WH under the bus to save what she has with Baby Daddy....you never know.

[This message edited by Freeme at 11:48 AM, December 29th (Saturday)]

You faced a major unexpected crisis. The day you faced is the worst. It become progressively better as you are slowly getting control over it. By all means you M is done. So try not to get repeatedly affected by this. It only make your WH a winner. Attend to your other responsibilities with even more focus, that give you a sense of accomplishment in the midst of this mayhem.

Your WH may be cocky, but he is like a deer in heat. He does not understand the risks and he will only realize it when he become the prey. Good that you are listening to the lawyer and taking things slowly. keep the "snake" in the circles. He may be useful even as a witness if it come to that. Looks like OW is also feeling some heat. Ask the snake whether he can get the contact information of her husband. He will tell OW putting her under even more pressure.

I know what you’re feeling, I’m the guy version of you. Married 2 years, thought we had a great marriage, etc. I know it seems like you’re eating a $*^t sandwich right now, but I promise it gets better. Thank your lucky stars he showed who he really is now instead of 20 years down the road after a couple of kids.

The OW is not making him do anything, this is all his doing. As others said - stop communicating with him and focus on yourself. Grieve the loss of the relationship, but stay positive and make sure you’re putting yourself in a better position for the future. Go to the gym, go to places around where you live that you’ve never been to. Whenever you need to get your mind off him or the divorce, go somewhere, anywhere, even if it’s to the store and you don’t need anything. Walk and look at things.

A few years down the road he will be a distant memory. He may regret things, he may not, get yourself to the point where you’re too focused on living your life to know what’s going on with his.

I think the reason for your WH sudden change is your vacation. OWs hate when family vacations happen because the cheater keep them in tow by promising sun and moon. So after he came from vacation the OW may have pressured him to take a stand. It is in a way you are lucky that he chose OW. Otherwise the deceit would have gone much longer if not with this OW then with others.

It is pretty interesting she doesn't want the affair out, weird. Especially getting flowers, daily, from a Secret Admirer.

I think the suggestion she is waiting on her baby daddy is right, I have a feeling she is chasing baby daddy and your H is chasing her.

He is beginning to feel her annoyance with him or maybe she is cooling her heels. This would be the reason he is hell-bent on leaving you, hoping it will woo her.

Something tells me that your hard-driven 180 will eventually have him crawling back after he has woken from his trance.

I could be wrong, but after being here a while it sounds a little familiar.

You are strong! I wish the best for you.