SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So happy to hear your update.

I think you're really going to get a lot out of that book. I have to tell you though, I wept copiously at times while reading it. The author really does understand the subject, having experienced it herself, so it felt so cathartic to realize that my feelings were not only normal, but ubiquitous among people who've experienced this kind of betrayal.

I love cooking and helping the elderly so am going to look into volunteering one day a week to start, doing some cooking and chores for an elderly person needing help.

I used to do a crafts class at the senior center, and it's almost impossible to feel down when you're helping others get a little more joy out of life. The cooking idea is excellent. Even better if you find a little time to sit down with some seniors and let them share your day while they eat.

((hugs))

We all have a set of values that we respond to. Namely caring for others, honesty, respect, love to name just a few. These things build happy lives.

You impress as a person who's actions are governed by these. Unfortunately, circumstances have eroded at your core. Self esteem has crumbled. Enjoyment in life has faded.

Look again to these things that you value. Start working on these .

Firstly yourself. Work with your doctor, and counselor on your health. If you have religious beliefs, pray for help. Begin exercising. You may want to start with walks, maybe some exercises in the evening, and slowly build up. This is what I am currently doing.

Look for any courses that you can do. At this point, anything. I've just finished a security course. Not something I would think to do but it was free. One weekend recently, there was a major community event locally, and I got called up to see if I wanted to work. It involved me sitting on my beach chair, on a back entrance, periodically checking passes. I was lucky if I had 20 people go pass me in the 6 hrs that I was there. I was paid $25 an hour.

Family is also something that you hold precious. No matter what your current relationship with your sons are, especially your youngest, let them know that you love them and cherish them, and will do what ever you can to help them.

And when you have the opportunity, extend a hand to help others.

My story. My wife had an EA over 20 yrs ago. I recognised what was happening, and confronted quickly. She was an undiagnosed bipolar at the time.

With all the dynamics with her undiagnosed bipolar and EA unfortunately I slipped into depression. It was not until recently that I realised this and have been able to address it. But the depression was 20yrs(not lying). It changed my life.

I am 'trying' to make some imprint of my life while I still have time.

Hope this helps.

[This message edited by paboy at 8:23 PM, March 1st (Friday)]

Another installment

Last week son (17 yr old) called round to see me and said that his dad (stbxh) wanted things to be 'amicable' between us and that the 'only people who benefit from divorce are the lawyers' He told son to ask me whether I would be willing to try and limit costs wherever possible by corresponding directly. I told son to let his dad know that I agree to this as it also saves me money, but only in so far as notifying when papers are on their way etc. I refused to give up my legal representation and participate in an online 'quickie divorce' I told son to let him know that I was not out to 'screw him' ie his father, but that I would be seeking what i was rightfully and legally entitled to financially.

So having made an appointment with my solicitor yesterday, she informed me that if I knew when he would be at his parents house, we could serve him there, which would incur less costs. Based on this, I sent him an email last night, the first contact I have had with him directly since he first left. It simply said:

I am contacting you to advise you that I have changed solicitors due to my previous one going long term sick. I am sure that you are as keen as I am to get this over and done with so that we can both focus on our new lives. With that in mind, my solicitor advises me that they will be in a position to re serve the papers in around 10 days, so if you could possibly let me know when you will be at your parents house, I can get them sent over for you to sign. I agree, the less pain, money and acrimony thrown at this, the better, so I am definitely willing to cut costs for both of us in terms of legal fees where I am able. I harbour no bad feelings and genuinely wish you well in your future.

I received an email back today that said in capitals STOP CONTACTING ME YOU ARE HARASSING ME!

I am stunned, I have not contacted him for a year almost and it was he who asked via son for me to contact him directly wherever possible to avoid extra costs. I had hoped that we could move this forward without me having to take breaks to save up money for my legal fees, so his proposition suited me just fine.

I replied as follows.

Seriously grow up! You send a message via ***** (our son) stating that would wish to proceed with minimal costs and acrimony. You state that you are keen to resolve as many of the divorce related issues directly with me as opposed to paying solicitors. Based on that and as you requested, I simply contacted you with details of my new solicitor once I had enlisted her services and requested a convenient time to send the papers to you. I am under no obligation to try and resolve anything with you personally, however I was prepared to try and avoid any unnecessary costs in accordance with your request. Your response was astounding and immature, I have better things to do with my life than contact you and since I am legal aid funded, it makes no difference to me financially. How dare you accuse me of harassment when it was you who asked me to deal directly wherever possible.

Based on your claims of ‘harassment’ I am no longer willing to have any direct contact with you in relation to the forthcoming divorce proceedings, so I suggest you have just shot yourself in the foot with your fully loaded ego.

From now on, do not send messages via ****** or via any other means other than through our solicitors, You will not hear from me again, I assure you, you will hear from my solicitor in due course.

I am blown away, he is saying I am harassing him, yet I have had NC for almost 12 months. It was him who told son to ask me whether i would be in agreement to discussing trivial things between ourselves to save money on legal letters etc. Jeez i wish I had never bothered, this man is still as immature and irresponsible as he always has been.

His whole life he has avoided responsibility, his parents bail him out financially and in other ways constantly. They have enabled him to storm through life like a bull in a china shop without having to face consequences. He has run from debt, from responsibilty and always relied on me or his parents to sort out his mess. This is exactly what he is doing now. He thinks he can just piss off with his OW, not have to pay me anything and continue living his life now he has money. For once in his life he is going to have to face up to the fact he cannot run from all responsibility. his parents can't make this go away. What he is resorting to is intimidation and threats. He has always been guaranteed that his former job as a police officer and his parents wealth will bail him out.

He is living the life of walter Mitty and the eastern european cow who moved here only to marry another wealthy guy, is believing every word. Both of them are obsessed with money, both are lying about who they are and pretending to be someone they are not.

Sorry for the rant, I am just annoyed at his disgusting response to my attempt to meet him halfway as he himself asked. that sure backfired in my face.

((((brokendreamer)))

That's the girl..fist pump.. You've found your voice.. Take him to the cleaners and every time you think of him 'flush the toilet'

brokendreamer Glad to see you WOKE UP! You are and need to take control of your divorce and future life. Total NC is wonderful. Let your lawyer do the work. WH, or course, is putting your children in the middle. I hope he is not violent with his police training, etc (be careful). It's good to see that you have lots of action plans to get yourself back to life and moving forward.

Hugs and thanks for the update. Stay strong.

OK an update, I made a right fool of myself and I am ashamed and hating myself.

In a nutshell, my ex rang me for the first time two days ago. he rang because I received an anonymous phonecall, which I suspect was from OW's ex or someone close to him, asking me for dirt on my husband in return for giving me their address.

I made the mistake of telling my son, who immediately told his father, his father then rang me. I have never spoken to him since he left 12 months ago, so didnt know who he was initially. he questioned me about who had contacted me and I simply said a man offered me your address in return for info on you. He was like a man I dont know, he kept going on about how successful he is and how he has top barristers working for him. I stopped him and said 'this is me you're talking to' wow was he in love with himself! It was ALL about how important, well connected etc he is, talking over me like I was speaking to a lawyer. His (our) company success has not just gone to his head, it has possessed him, I'm shocked but not surprised.

Anyway, I was so emotional at hearing his voice for the first time in a year, when we hunbg up, I sent him a couple of messages telling him I loved him and saying, I dont recognise you, please come home and lets be a family again, what are you doing?

He didnt reply, but I had detected underneath all the egotistical bravado, a sense of guilt and a very slight warmth towards me again.

Now I feel utterly stupid, I wish I had not said those things and could take them back. I was just blinsided by hearing his voice for the first time. I experienced a surge of love, regret, memories, all kinds of things. I have never ever asked him to come back before or ever contacted him directly, other than 2 emails regarding son way back last year.

Can somebody please slap me hard, wtf have I done? I am hating myself right now, I feel ashamed, embarrassed and weak. Please help advise me, I feel so distraught, I just made a right fool of myself. I don't know what happened, all my strength and resilience just turned to mush and fell apart on hearing his voice. Obviously I have not contacted him since (or ever before) but I am in a real mess as I feel weak, pathetic and am soooo embarrassed.

Any advice please, hugs all x

You made,just like so many of us here, a very typical HUMAN reaction mistake. You felt a sense of memory, feeling, longing, love. DO NOT beat yourself up over this bump in the road towards D. Your STBXWH is all about him. You are an after thought. As you stated in your comment. You realized your mistake. You admitted it. Just know so many of us have done similar things along our own journies out of infidelity.

Now is the time to refocus. Continue moving forward. And, limit what you say to your 17yr old son. Any you tell HIM IS going straight back to your STBXWH. He is his own little spy on you. Best I can say, when he is around you, show him love,show him concern. But speak nothing of you STBXWH.

Thank you, hugs

brokendreamer;

STOP THAT RIGHT NOW !!

You simply made a mistake, don't beat yourself up over this. I think in some way it was a good thing. You let him know that you want your family back together again and that may not be so terrible a thing. Now he may be looking more at what he did to you and his family. Yes, he's a POS, no doubt. But he's your POS and he may very well change because we all do.

At some point, 88% of couples that get together while leaving a family behind, done't work out. They just lose that Limerence (look that up if you need to). In your case this may very well happen, even tho it's been 12 months.

I feel badly for you. I don't like seeing other people suffer especially at the hands of another person that they were at one point ecstatically happy with.

It sucks, and I'm very sorry it's happening to you. It just seems to be happening so often nowadays to so many good people. What it's teaching me is that if and when we get another chance to love again, whether it's with someone new or the person that hurt us so very badly, we can do it differently the next time and do it better.

Again, brokendreamer, I'm very sorry for what this guy did to you. I hope this is temporary, and I hope that when and if he comes back that you'll be forgiving enough to make the next go-round better than any relationship you've ever been in.

May G_d ease your pain and watch over your heart.

I could have written your entire story....

I know the hopelessness you feel..especially after I had tried to help him in his need...after I tried to R after his A's...and he dumped me like I was nothing...and did it laughing..

I have had weak moments...I am a very strong person...I haven't spoken to WH in 10 months since he left me for OW...and its for the best...Im afraid of what I would say...I know its over...I know hes garbage...I know its hopeless....but I still have those bad days...Not that I want him...that I want my life back, what I thought it was...its gone.. I had a husband, I had a family intact, I had a future planned...

It was taken away...by surprise, over and over..

I never want to see WH again. I never want to speak to him again..I never want to experience that feeling of loss again...HE is dead to me...and I force myself to move on..FORCE MYSELF..ITs not what I wanted for my future..its not what I can deal with easily....but I keep putting one foot in front of the other...because he is garbage. I figure anything has to be better then the pain he brings...on a daily basis...

I loved him...and he has no soul...that is the truth...he is not going to get it..he is not going to change..he is not going to feel remorse and come back a different man...he is going to be exactly how he is now, and worse.. That is my truth..

I force myself out the door everyday...I walk..I shop for food...I explore parks with my dog...some days I cry while I do it...some days I smile...I have found my hobby again...some days its fun...some days I don't remember what I did...but I keep moving..

I don't like to break records..Its been 10 months of work...I don't want to start that over...

Ive been walking for along time..don't want to start that over....I haven't eaten chocolate in a month...don't want to break that record...etc...set some records...count your accomplishments, and add to them... the chocolate part is hard too..

I feel I have no choice but to D WH...he is that hopeless...I feel this pain has to end some day....at least become much less...SO I stay busy to pass the time...doing all the work on me as recommended.. Its been my experience that details fade...as time goes by...you keep the experience, but the details don't eat you up anymore. Get up and do something...even tho your sad..

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 10:32 AM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

Mindfullness and Cancun, your words meant so much to me thank you both so much. Mindfullness your post was just what I needed to hear and brought a tear to my eye, Cancun such wise and beneficial comments re moving forward. :)

Unfortunately I have had an horrendous couple of days and cried enough tears to refill the Mississippi. I logged on to Facebook which I don't really do anymore, but I was sent a link by a friend to a video on self healing. When i opened up the link it showed recent posts by some of my friends. One of them was our sons post and it was a photo of his father and OW celebrating their '1st anniversary' at'our' hotel. She was surrounded by a huge bouquet, their cards to each other, numerous wrapped gifts and had what looked like an engagement ring on her finger. I thought my heart was going to literally come out of my chest, felt faint and then ran to the bathroom to be violently sick. I cannot begin to describe the pain, I wanted to howl like an animal such was the depth of my hurt. It was like an arrow through my heart and DDay all over again. I quickly shut down the facebook link and deactivated my account. I did not sleep a wink and have just sobbed non stop, begging some higher entity to alleviate this hellish feeling, even temporarily.

He is not even divorced from me and I believe her divorce is not yet finalised either, it just feels like a punch in the face, such selfishness and cruelty. What also surprised me is it was dated Mid March, but that is a lie because he left in 2nd week of february and was already living with her then. So why they are pretending that mid March is their anniversary, is beyond me.

This all just feels like a never ending road of pain, a road I cannot get off and I becoming so weak and tired with the suffering. I cannot begin to express how betrayed and worthless I feel, it all seems so unjust and cruel. I am not 100% certain that they are engaged, but with son making a flippant comment a few weeks back about he was going to be their groomsman and the ring on her wedding finger, it seems highly likely. It is killing me inside and I am not coping very well. Thank you for taking the time to read this, any words of comfort right now would be greatly appreciated. Hugs to all :)

BrokenDreamer your last post is so painful, I feel so deeply for you. I wish I could take the pain away. Let it out, cry and wail and howl. The pain needs to leave the body. It doesn't feel like healing by any means, but it is a part of healing, try to realize that. After that though, you must find that inner strength and focus on YOU. I'm glad you deactivated facebook. Be sure to read back through this thread and listen to the suggestions and advice given to you. Take those steps. One step at at time. It's a long road but each positive step taken will lead to a better road. Please try to focus on you. You are special. You are important. You are a beautiful, loving person with many, many fine qualities. Give yourself moments each day to remind yourself of that. I am sending you hugs, prayers, positive energy, and love through this post. Close your eyes and feel it. Feel the caring from everyone in their posts, and take those steps forward now. You are not alone.

Just wondering . . . Do you have a lawyer? I didn't want to get one, but I did about 6 weeks after Dday. My friends and family kept pushing me toward the decision to talk to a lawyer. It helped a lot. It slowly gave me a sense of control. You may be able to see your situation with your lawyer's insight.

My WH has been gone 5 months without a word. He said he was done and the marriage was over. I have to move back to my home state, so I went forward with a divorce while I am still a resident of this state. I couldn't wait for him to do something.

Has it been over a year for you? A counselor and a lawyer could really help you feel more in control of your life. I know, it is extremely hurtful. Try to get some help and talk to friends often. Don't try to do this alone.

Sending hugs, prayers, peaceful thoughts your way.

These two cruel ones are not worth thinking about. The only thing to do now is stop regarding their words or actions as anything to do with you.

You are what you want to be. Maybe get your prettiest clothes. Put your hair up. Go out and sign up for a free class. Or go to a free talk. Just go out and listen and sit next to others. Just once a week. You need a break. If you like church, go into a church and pray. You need your spirits lifted? Offer to help. You know you can do something.

Someone somewhere needsyour help. You could offer to help kids with homework. My friends neighbor speaks very little English. Her little boy has some English but is a grade behind in math. We are trying to get him caught up by next fall. His poor mom has no education. There is no free help for him. The help available is a long waiting list. She has no car to get him there even if he could get in.

There are so many kids like this that need someone to help with schoolwork. Maybe you could help sometimes, maybe a few hours a week.

You could do so much. Forget these selfish one who hurt you....shame on them!

You have a mind and intelligence. You have a good heart. You have compassion.

You could help a political group you believe in. You could help environmental causes. You could help animals. You could help girls escaped from trafficking. You could help moms in a shelter.

You could. You as you are right now.

You could reach out and find purpose. You're only halfway through life. Menopause is a great time to self examine for women. Women grow then. They try more stuff. Your H behaviour doesn't get to define you. Nuts to that. Don't care what he's doing now, he's selfish and arrogant. He's not the only person who can love you. He's not.

You could plant trees. The world needs trees. We need clean air. You could clean a wildlife habitat of litter or invasive plants. They don't care who you are, just that you show up with sunscreen and a hat. You could make simple blankets for preemies so parents have something other than a blue hospital towel to see. You could sew simple dresses ( pillowcase dresses instructions online ) for girls in Africa who are naked and can't go to school if they have no dress. One dress = a chance to learn and clothed girls are less likely to get kidnapped. Just one lousy plain cotton dress. It takes 20 minutes to sew.

The world needs you. You would be welcome by so many groups. Really. Please don't be lonely.

I know what loneliness is. It's so painful. But the only remedy is to start going out. You will see. you have much to offer. But you can't feel it until you gift it to yourself. You have to experience it. I don't care what kind of presents two cold hearted people exchange. Your giving yourself a greater gift, the gift of renewal. Step by step you will get past this very sad trauma.

Want to laugh? Go to a red hat group. Those ladies know how to celebrate the second half. Red Hatters Matter! I love my aunties red hat group in Texas. There's an energy for living in the red hats. It's about sisterhood.

My healer is nature. TV can be depressing. Nature restores. We need it. We need it like oxygen and water. We need the plants and the sound of water and wind and waves. We need to change scenery and see colorful flowers. We need to see things growing and the seasons changing. We need our beautiful planet.

Don't prove them right. Don't give up. You have a lot of life left. You are going to find friends.

from the bottom of my heart, thank you all, every word was taken on board and digested. I will keep updating x

Another update

I write these for my own therapy but also in the hope that my experiences may be of some help for those not as far on (in terms of time) as I am, maybe help them prepare.

Yesterday was a terrible day, I took my son to get a suit he needed for a funeral, we went to the local outdoor shopping centre. I used to go there regularly, but this was the first time I had been back since DDay. I was actually enjoying the time with my son, when suddenly he pushed me inside a shop and stepped in behind me ushering me towards the back. I knew instantly that something was wrong as my sons face and behaviour told me so.

I turned to look over his shoulder and there was my stbxh walking by with his OW and her 2 kids. They were playing happy families, swinging her kids and all laughing together. I wanted to vomit and felt my legs turn to jelly. Thankfully my son was there to put his arms round me and help me regain some control of my physical reactions.

I wanted to kind of explode, scream out, tears streaming, trying to hold back from being sick. The pain was excrutiating, I just wanted to howl loudly. Instead we waited until they had passed and left. I had always had visions of walking right by head held up high the first time I saw him/them. (that is the first time in 14 months since he left that I have seen him) Instead I fell apart, I made it back to the car and then the real heart wrenching, body shaking sobbing commenced, so many emotions were rushing through me, yet I felt dead inside.

I didnt sleep last night and the thoughts of him and the images of what I saw have become all consuming, every waking minute. It all seems so wrong and I keep wondering if I will wake up and it is and has been, all a nightmare.

I feel isolated and hated by everyone, like the most unpopular person and keep blaming myself, trying to understand what I have done so wrong to deserve this. I seem unable to lift myself out of this depression (I am on medication) I am so lost and broken. I am struggling to cope with daily life and often dont shower for several days, which is completely not like me. Yesterday I forced myself to shower, wash my hair and dress nicely, to take my son, I thought it would help. So then that happened, of all the times and places, somewhere I had not been for over a year and they have to be there. It feels so cruel and has once again reduced me to constant tears and sinking so low.

I dont know what to do, everytime I try to get up, I get kicked back down. There is no respite from this hell, no light at the end of the tunnel, no let up of the hurt and pain and feelings of worthlessness.

I am still on the waiting list for counselling and still trying to keep my divorce proceeding as and when I can afford to.

I went to the train station to pick up my son an hour ago and was parked outside all the bars and restaurants there. It was a painful reminder of how just 14 months ago, my husband and I used to go a couple of times a week to eat, how we held hands coming out and how he wrapped me in his arms to keep me warm. Where did it all go so very badly wrong?

BD x

I am so sorry and wish I could give you a great big hug.

I had always had visions of walking right by head held up high the first time I saw him/them.

This will happen! In time. Give yourself time.

Your ex is a narcissist. He's really horrible. The way he left... all the vow renewal stuff was intentional and horribly cruel... he set you up to have the worst fall possible. He is not a good person. He has a rotten soul. The person you knew, is no longer.

You have PTSD. I had it for a long time too. Keep going with NC. Move things forward with your lawyer if you can, that will help a lot. Do NOT communicate with him, directly or indirectly. He wants to hurt you.

If you are going to check facebook, unfriend anyone who is posting pictures of them. Including your younger son. He won't be notified, he'll just think you are not logging in very often. If he asks you can tell him the pictures bother you. He's being very insensitive, that one. It's ok to let him know how you feel, you don't need to pretend his behavior doesn't bother you.

Thank you annanew

I needed that encouragement and support, everything you said makes sense.

I am sad right now but wanted to say thank you, it has helped alot x

Well, that was a bit of a set-back, but the takeaway here is that you were out of the house, not just once in that post, but twice. So, kudos on that. You can't eat a bear but one bite at a time, right?

Did you get through reading The Journey from Abandonment to Healing? If so, you got a chance to see how this kind of loss stimulates the amygdala of the brain and brings up all those fight, flight, or freeze reactions, much like you experienced when you saw your WH unexpectedly. The amygdala gets a jolt and next thing you know, you feel panicked. It's typical for the amygdala to be stuck in a kind of hyper-alert mode when we're traumatized, so it goes off like a door-bell at the littlest thing. That's okay though. We learn to NOTICE it, and when we do, we realize that the feeling passes. I noticed that I had a set of symptoms which I'd experience in tandem with the "fight, flight, or freeze". I'd notice a mild pain in my neck and shoulders and a bit of a sour stomach, as well as a tiny bit of headache. Overall, the symptoms were so mild, I hadn't noticed them before, but once I did, I found that these other symptoms were consistently present whenever I had that jolt. I also noticed that I'd often have a kind of "depression hangover" afterward, sometimes lasting as long as 36 hours.

Knowing what's happening with your body helps you to feel more in control. You can then relax and know it's a temporary state of being. What's even better, is that you know it's not just all in your head, right?

Next thing I hope you'll do... is look into some information on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. There's quite a bit of info online and many books/workbooks on the subject. It's time to start challenging your negative cognitions. Your internal voice is tearing chunks out of you, so it's well past time to answer back. Instead of allowing "I am hated by everyone" to go unchallenged, you answer back with "I'm feeling very unloved right now, but it's not true. These (list) are some people who love me, and I know I'm a lovable person because (list of your finer qualities)" Over time, you'll learn to answer that negative internal voice with a more positive one which is based on the actual truth of the situation, not on the generalized self-criticism you've been allowing.

Does that make sense to you? I know you're still on a wait for counseling, but this is a thing you can work on for yourself while you're waiting. Don't allow your inner self-loathing monologue to run roughshod over you.

((huge hugs)) Hang in there, girl. You're gonna get through this. Believe it.

I understand feeling the pain of losing the man you thought you loved, but I don't see any reason to criticize you.

You son sounds like a good one.

Your STBXH is messed up, AS YOU KNOW. He abandoned you because of his own issues and his own obvious failures, not because of any failure of you.

There's no need to criticize yourself. There's every need for you not to criticize yourself.

(((brokendreamer)))