SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It helped me tremendously, to finally learn, and accept that WH is a narcissist...I didn't believe it...and as I researched it, I realized he hits every single one...I never knew he was NPD...

Now I spend much time researching...I learn new things about NPD constantly...and I feel so much better...it is the explanation I needed, to understand how someone can be so cruel to another human, much less a spouse...My mind was blown by him...I lived frozen for so many years, because it just kept coming...the cruelty grew...

Now if I have a trigger day, I refresh...and I can fell better instantly...this was not me...HE is a very sick person...this had zero to do with me...I was just naïve enough to love someone with so many issues...and those issues grew...

Research...and research again...its a complex condition...you will learn to see these things in his behavior...its eye opening...

I finally heard from WH....its been 11.5 months...He texted me, telling me to sell everything he won in mediation....he never wanted it....we are now on third mediation...it hasn't been signed...and hes texting me personally and changing it again...without attorneys knowing.

He never mentioned walking out on me after 35 years...no apologies...no explanations....he didn't ask how Ive been....it was financial business and wanted me to do these things for him...like nothing ever happened...he was still controlling me...

my attorney said I could not sell anything for him...and the mediation is not final...now that hes changing it again...we start over again.. I was told to block him in every way...and never respond...hes up to tricks... How can someone end a 35 year marriage, choose OW...and not mention it? Much less tell me how to do things to help him..

I have no doubt he has purchased a ring...he never plans to remarry...but he can control her with a ring...I pity her...It did hurt for awhile...and I refresh what I have learned...Im further away...I keep stepping further away...Think of that ring as a shackle...it doesn't mean there is any love attached...it could be control..Maybe he wants to continue hurting you, and maybe he wants to look great to the outside world....that's 3 birds..Least of all, his life is really great...Hes a jerk...HE treats people bad...stop believing they are perfect together..thats pain shopping.

I look at every day as another step..and each step takes us further apart...I look at next year...next Easter...I will be a completely different person...I will over this even more, and happier....I really get "One day at a time" now...I try to do something a little bit enjoyable every day....its another step away...

Once you get away, emotionally.....he cant hurt you anymore...that's the goal.

We are not divorced yet either...they have traveled together, he takes her to do all the things we did...Im sure he copies everything...plans, words....places...It was a large part of my pain...I consider us married...I have listened and watched many couples lately....Its suprising, how many people consider living apart....free to do whatever... Wh specifically said I could not date, until the D was final Yet he has had entire relationship for 1.5 yrs now... Its comical...I don't make decisions based on him...I guess its personal opinion...I thought married was married..

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 10:41 AM, April 18th (Thursday)]

(((BD))))

That was a very difficult thing to do, but today is a new day, and now you can look back at it and know that you survived it. That's a positive thing.

AS you start to really heal these things will be less invasive, and earth shattering to your ability to function and survive.

Now set a small goal for yourself to something kind for you and you alone today. Go to a bookstore, and get a new book, and enjoy a good cup of something, or go get lunch someplace you enjoy, and take a few minutes to sit in the sun (if it is shining) and let it warm your skin. Find joy in the simple things. It is healing.

((((And Strength))))

Firstly, thank you all for your lovely, supportive replies, it means so much to me and gives me strength. Hugs to you all.

But..... have I got some news for you guys!!

i just found out yesterday from her ex H's brother, that the reason ex left her and the 2 young kids, is....... wait for it.....

She STABBED him in front of the kids, had to be restrained by police, hog tied and carried out!!

I am not sure what the outcome was in terms of sentence, or the actual charge as I think she only managed to do minimal damage to him before he got away from her and called the police. WOW!! I am stunned, a pure psycho, not that i didn't know that when she sent me links on how to kill myself when he first left, I mean that in itself takes one sick cookie.

So little Miss perfect isn't quite so perfect after all. I strongly suspect that was the reason my ex had an appt with her, she may have been trying to plead not guilty. Of course he rolls up like a knight in shining armour, she gets him in bed (probably as payment) and he never left. probably 'protecting' the poor damsel in distress for the mean ole ex who she had just stabbed. Goodness knows what BS version she must have fed my ex, but he is the kind that would believe whatever she said as he thought his luck was in.

So the plot thickens in this modern day version of Romeo & Juliet, love's young dream! he sure won the lottery with her, trying not to laugh.

The only downside is that I am only human, i loved him for so many years and he is the father of my son, so there is a part of me that worries for his safety. The ex's brother also told me that she is mentally unstable, dangerous and a nasty piece of work. Now I understand why her ex got main custody and she only has the kids 2 days a week.

I can't wait til my ex MIL finds out haha, she hated me so much she used to say I am sure she will physically attack you one day son. Yet I have never hit anyone, I do not have a violent bone in my body. She used to say to my ex, 'you know that woman who stabbed her husband, well I am sure BD is capable of that' seriously, the irony!! I wish I could be a fly on the wall when she finds out that the new partner she 'loves so much' stabbed her ex!! I am so in love with Karma right now :)

On top of that stbxh has been back up here staying with his parents for well over a week, says it is to attend meetings, but I do not believe that for one minute. He has either run out of money again or they have had another argument. He has been asking our son to lend him money and his car, hardly the actions of the hugely successful business man he makes himself out to be.

I am trying hard not to be smug as it is not an endearing quality and I have come to expect more heartache around the corner. However, fo so long I felt wretched thinking I was worthless and that he had traded up. Telling our son how beautiful and kind and sweet she is, how much younger than me with a stunning figure. Now over time I find out that not only did she move in a married man the same day she met him, give him pornographic pics of herself (which he sent to his friends) send me links on how to kill myself etc, she takes cocaine and stabbed her ex husband! What a catch

So many lovely people of this amazing SI family reassured me when I was beating myself up, that things are not always what they seem on the surface. She is FAR from perfect, or even decent and for the first time since he left, I realise the value in myself and how good he had it with me. I could be wrong, but I cannot see this being a modern day fairytale between them or lasting the course of time. I may not be perfect, but I never hurt him, cheated or did him wrong. I was/am a good mum and was a good wife, I am now firmly of the belief for the first time, that he not only traded down, but he is scraping the bottom of the barrel.

I am obviously still hurting and trying to move on with my life, but knowing that I am not a failure, nor am I discarded trash, helps so much. I may be discarded, but I am certainly not the trash in all this. He gave up his whole toyroom for a new shiny toy and that toy turned out to be broken and dangerous.

I sincerely hope this update gives hope to all those who are newly betrayed and feeling worthless as I did. Don't beat yourselves up and listen to the great advice on here, the reality is hardly recognisable from what we imagine. This is not victory or something to be pleased about, in fact it is even more sad than I thought.

Finally, to anyone reading this who is considering an affair, may this be a lesson. That grass on the other side of the fence that looks so green and luscious compared to your homely lawn, may just turn out to be so lush because it is growing over a muddy bog. Be very careful before you are tempted to jump, because you are likely to sink. Things that seem too good to be true, usually are. Be happy with what you have and tend it daily, so it thrives on a solid foundation.

Love, strength, prayers and courage to everyone

BD x

Oh wow. How awful. I'm not surprised, though! I'm glad that this has helped you know the truth deep down in your bones . . . that you are a prize, and anyone who can't see that is a stupid idiot.

I loved my husband so much, he was my security, my best friend

First, no, he has not been your "best friend", nor was he someone to give you security. From your own words he has been supremely emotionally abusive for years. Everytime you start to think like this, you need to reframe.

Second, and I'm swinging a sledge hammer with the very best of intentions, you are making HUGE mistakes and demeaning your own self worth.

You made an ass of yourself begging him to come back. How did that feel? Pretty shitty, right? Good! Remember that feeling the next time you even think of demeaning yourself for that POS. You are better than that! So much better. You deserve wonderful, loyal people in your life. But you won't ever see that until YOU start valuing yourself and not accepting shitty people and their shitty treatment.

And everyone that sat there and coddled you, saying, "oh we all do that". No we don't, only people with no self worth beg someone to come back and further abuse them. When my X left, I went scorched earth on his ass. It about broke me to do it. I wanted to cry and beg, but I had too much self worth. Not that I didn't make some mistakes within the first days after Dday, because I made a few. But then my self worth kicked in and I snapped out of that shit.

You need to step back and honestly assess everything. You were in a relationship with this man for 20 years. You cannot realistically expect to be over that in just one year. Once you accept that, you can move forward with more realistic expectations. This is going to he a long, painful journey to healing. I am sorry, but it is. The first step is to start focusing on you and what is best for you! Try to make yourself redirect your thoughts when they start creeping back towards him, what he's doing, and why he is doing the things he does. For clarification, he's doing the things because he is an asswhole. It's no more complicated than that.

Great you saw your doctor, Now, swallow your pride and get on anti depressants. This will help somewhat. Get into counseling or work really hard on the exercises in the self help books. Start exercising. I dont care if it's just a 40 minute walk, get out and start getting those endorphins going. Set aside time each day (no more than an hour) to grieve. Cry, scream, whatever. Do this every day until you dont need to. It's healthy and will help you push through the rest of the day. And then, get a serious hobby, or take some classes. It will get you around people. Take education classes, home improvement classes, hell dance classes. It's time to start living. It won't be easy at first, but it's not a sprint. Make a bucket list of the things you want to accomplish by the end of the year. It can be simple things like grow an herb garden. But put at least 3 simple, easy things to accomplish. When your 50% accomplished with your bucket list, make a new, bigger one. Put things like travel to Cairo, run a marathon, whatever you may have fantasized about. These are the things that will help you to work on your self worth and to heal.

Oh, on that bucket list for this year, Put in it, Divorce that POS.

Make another list, one where you write down every single thing that should have been a deal breaker. Were you sick and needed to go to the hospital and he didn't take you? Things like that. Try and put it in chronological order. The list accomplishes a few things. The first is that it will show you the pattern of his abuse and how it started out. Then you will also see that this narrative that he was your best friend is BS. YOU have to be your own best friend.

I'm sorry you're here. I am. But you couldn't have found a better support system. Another great website is Chump Lady. She's brutally honest, but sometimes that's exactly what we need.

Oh, and stop putting your kid in the middle of shit. Granted your cheater initiated, but you should have shut that shit down. An appropriate response would have been, "Honey, of course I'm not going to try and hurt your father, but you dont need to worry about that. Let him and I deal with those things. We both love you and want what's best for you." I suspect you went along with it for validation from your kid that you aren't the bad guy. Again, this reflects on your self worth. I could be wrong, jmho. Also, never again take messages from the kids about the X, I suspect you already realize this, though. Again, your stbx is an asswhole and he did that shit just to set you up. Stop taking the bait, and dont give him an "in" to what you're thinking anymore either. All that extra talking, explaining, nix that shit. An appropriate response would have been, "Excuse my misunderstanding. I was misinformed that you wanted to communicate about how we should proceed forward with divorce negotiations.

It won't happen again." Anything else was extra and gave him a way to attack you and hurt you. You showed him the buttons he can still push. Even though you don't feel this way, you HAVE to treat him like a stranger, one that you dont particularly care for, but that you have to do business with. Divorce IS a business

I wish you the absolute best in your journey out of infidelity and into healing.

Please start loving yourself more and valuing yourself more. Your posts absolutely broke my heart.

Hi StillLivin

Thank you for your reply, but I need to correct you on a few things. Firstly I have never 'begged him to come back' I'd rather die. I have had no contact with him directly since he left. I would NEVER have him back as much as I might want to, I could never forgive him, so I certainly would never even hint at him coming back, never mind beg.

Secondly, you tell me to 'get on anti depressants' I have been on them since he left.

Clearly you have no clue as to my story and although I appreciate your reply, I ask that before you storm in with your over bearing opinions, familiarise yourself with my story.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but it is replies like yours that do more damage than good. I have never heard your name before, it seems you may have stormed in with your opinions. You seem to have absolutely no idea about my back story. So forgive me for being blunt when I say, 'either familiarise yourself with my case or stop spouting shit like you are some kind of authority. I am no idiot, I have a BSc. in both mental health and adult nursing and a masters degree in psychology, so please refrain from trying to patronise me.

I appreciate your reply, but try reading before you jump in asserting your opinions and harsh judgement.

I have had no contact with him directly since he left. I would NEVER have him back as much as I might want to, I could never forgive him, so I certainly would never even hint at him coming back, never mind beg.

I am not endorsing StillLivin's approach and would not have written it myself, but in March you posted:

Anyway, I was so emotional at hearing his voice for the first time in a year, when we hunbg up, I sent him a couple of messages telling him I loved him and saying, I dont recognise you, please come home and lets be a family again, what are you doing?

I understand that this is a deeply emotional time, and I'm not trying to catch you out in minor errors, but if you don't recognize it when you rewrite history, it will be much harder for people to help you heal.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 8:57 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]

BD, though I had seen you had been NC for quite some time, I was directly referring to the quote that BraveSirRobin posted. You specifically did state you begged, "please come home and let's be a family again."

You are accurate that I did not read every single post. For that, my only excuse is that I don't have much free time these days. I rarely post because of that lack of time in my life. However, I do take an interest in some, when I can, because those people seem like they are hurting the most.

I've been on SI for going on 6 years. I've read almost every scenario. I apologize that I did not suss out that you were already on anti depressants.

I'm sorry that you feel my opinions are "harsh". The truth often is, and can be a hard pill to swallow. I wish you all the best, and will refrain from giving further advice. There are plenty here who will hold your hand more gently. Good luck.

Kindly post that quote and the context in its entirety, it explains more.

[This message edited by brokendreamer at 11:34 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

I kind of resent a couple of comments from people who are clearly not familiar with my whole story. I politely ask that both of you refain from commenting on my thread with only a snippet of the whole story, I have NEVER begged him to come back, I merely post my feelings and thoughts on here thank you.

[This message edited by brokendreamer at 11:36 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)]