This will be long. It's partly an explanation and partly a confession? which is appropriate somehow. lol And partly a vent. Ask God how to pray for me.
I wrote this in October in my journal after 6 months of having an evil bad luck wizard stalk me.
I’ve been assaulted lately by butterflies. I don’t mean just that I see them everywhere on my morning walks (though I do) or that they will be waiting for me in bushes and on top of my car as I walk out of meetings in the middle of the city (they are).
They fly at my windshield as if they’re aiming for my eyes yet somehow don’t splatter. Not just one or twice. A lot.
Then yesterday I’m on the phone with my mom discussing unpleasant things and she mentions a monarch outside her window.
They’re stalking me. I’m telling you.
not long after this, I was reminded by my daughter about the story of the man who helped the butterfly escape from its pupa. The butterfly died, because it needs the struggle to be able to fly.
It was another answer. Circumstances aren't fantastic. But I got the message.
I won't list the insanities but imagine labor pain. Metaphorically. I was in the middle of communion and I heard, very clearly, "I hope you choke on that and die."
I've had a huge range of things that I regard as demonic oppression. You can dismiss it if you want, I don't mind. But it's in my belief set. I know how to fight that stuff. I thought it might be my book. ? I've been writing it for 3 years and it's nearly ready to publish. So I thought that might be the issue. I'm sifted like wheat. Okay. Honestly I have no idea.
I prayed a lot the other night. H is watching Lost from the beginning and we got to the hobbit guy's episode (the actor played Pippin) where he kicks drugs. Charlie is the character. Anyway, Locke tells him about the butterfly trying to get out of the pupa. Same story, but it's a moth.
Hello, Lord. I hear ya.
and then in my devotional the next day I got reminded how the Lord doesn't send us buckets of cash pouring down. He gives us wisdom and knowledge. Like Joseph. And works through circumstance and that wisdom to prosper us.
Although to be fair, there was that one time Jesus got his buddies to catch a fish and one had a gold coin in it. So.
I've reminded him of it too. Don't think I haven't.
It isn't just the money. People have died.
He said to count it all joy when I go through various myriad trials. I didnt know He meant that they all hit at once. But they have. Crushing financial pressures that tempt me to forsake Him or despair falling with no hope of release. They leave me breathless and my response must be. Must be. Thy will be done. Its God who lifts up and God who brings down. And I find myself understanding that like so many my prejudices are laid bare. I have believed financial blessing equated with Gods approval. He doesn’t feel that way at all.
But the worst bit is this idea that the more I pray the worse it gets. It keeps getting worse. The bible teachers talk about walking in victory. I’m not. So there must be something wrong. I followed their steps. Why isn’t it working?????
How easily I fall into the fallacy in James. Giving honor in my heart to myself when I’m doing well with money. I’m not doing it to others but I do it to myself. It’s the same.
You cannot serve God and serve mammon.
So it keeps getting worse and what am I to do with that? Praying for a year and it keeps getting worse. I have His promises. I believe. Then I discover my bookkeeper failed to file my taxes properly and my retainer clients leave. I double down on the promises and my server errors multiply. The data center makes mistakes.
I make payment arrangements and fulfill them until the last one, and a client doesn’t pay. It was for nothing.
Now I lose. No more recourse. And even the beans and rice are gone. And I don’t want maturity. I want to be a hobbit. I want elevensies and second breakfast.
It’s all very well to say though you slay me yet will I trust you. But do I mean it?
You know who else it kept getting worse for? The widow of Zarepath. Famine. Dont forget she’s lost her husband. She gets this weird foreigner roommate and a magic jug of oil. Her son dies. For Joseph. Hatred, slavery, prison. For Lazarus. He died, leaving two sisters. For John the Baptist.
Some were delivered, some were not. That’s the thing about it. Our Lord is not a tame lion. He very well may let us go into the Hebrews list of saints who failed outwardly in hope. But they hoped. The change of circumstances wasn’t the victory. The victory was the hope, faith, love. Easy to read those three words, practicing them is hard.
Do I want rescue or do I want Him? Really?
What did it take for Elijah to see the boy die and raise him? The death came.
I’m not saying this to complain. I’m saying it because its reality. So much teaching about your best life now fails to say that the best life may well be in outward circumstances of hardship. Painful physically. Lonely. It can keep getting worse.
But here’s what He whispers.
Glory.
Last years theme was glory. He told me when it started. And this year’s is joy. It might not mean anything close to my idea of rescue.
The widow’s son was raised. Joseph became a prince. Lazarus came forth. I know. I know. John the Baptist was martyred. But i know he has a crown. And Christ himself said John was the best of us. What would you give for that?
Is His presence enough?
anyhow. pray for me. Pray I hear. Pray I obey. Pray I am not an idiot.
thank you.
[This message edited by Maia at 3:31 PM, March 14th (Thursday)]
