SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hugs. Also, he needs to get rid of WhatsApp...

Jeeeez!!!! WTF just happened.

We had a very lengthy conversation. I had questions typed out and had given him beforehand.

He also had timeline prepared.

He says they never had sex. (Judy still out on whether I believe that or not)

But then confessed to

Perusing and asking another woman for photos and then 2017.

Sleeping with another woman (that I know) 2018.

Turns out the dick pics are the least of my worries.

I’m sorry. You’re not alone though. More often than not, what we find is just the tip of the iceberg. There’s a whole mountain of shit beneath the surface. Stay strong kudulies. You’ll come through this in one piece.

So wait, he slept with a woman that he did not exchange photos with? I find that odd. I was really paying attention to your update because our stories are so similar. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry Kudulies

Like so many of us here , we are fed trickle truths from WS. They are often times only willing to give so much to correspond to what we have found out on our own.

This is brutal for BS. I look back at the history of issues that started out with me discovering the chat room porn addiction ( he promised that he would quit ) to suspecting and then proof of his affair , which happened to be with one of the porn whores.

The truth and the timeline took a long time to come out , which didn't do anything to help .

Oddly , my WH also pushed me together to " help " his whore since he gave her a job...she worked mostly remotely from another country , but came here twice for a couple of months at a time. I hosted her for many meals, took her to a friend who was a nurse practitioner when she was sick...

This has been one of the hardest parts for me to reconcile ....forcing me to be around her and essentially take care of her

I'm so sorry, sending you a lot of love. You are not alone and you can get through this.

I was REALLY hoping it was just dick pics - as awful as that is. Often times when we learn something, it is the tip of the iceberg - I really, really wish it wasn't.

Sending hugs my friend.

Layla1234 no- the PA started with more breast and dick pics shared and ended up in secret meetings of sex and BJs.

What the actual F.

Serial cheater???

[This message edited by Kudulies at 7:07 PM, March 14th (Thursday)]

Ugh, there is always more. I suspect you're now seeing just a larger portion of the tip of this iceberg. There is most definitely more.

Polygraph. Unless you are going to divorce, then don't waste the time or money.

So when did the physical affair happen? 2 years ago, or more recently?? How is it going?

So sorry. If you look at my history I’m one of the oldest members here. My wandering spouse started with the Internet when we seemingly were happily married. We went to years of counseling and he promised to never cheat on me again. Here I am 14 years later and the bar lowered to sex and an emotional affair with an old girlfriend.

My experience is once a cheater always a cheater and my husband used porn then Internet sex as the springboard to in person sex. Is he done? I don’t have the answer. My husband is doing a serious career makeover, we are moving from Southern California to Washington state as a I fucked up gift, buying a new gorgeous home… this time is the last time! That is if I recover.

Good luck to you my dear… I’m so sorry for your pain.

Turns out this is the course of events.

Dick pics and sexting with OW1 April May 2016

Kept contact for work but nothing more. (This was his first indiscretion and he had told her it won’t go further than photos.

Loads of porn got him through 2017.

Met OW2 at work during same time period asked her for pics. She didn’t send due to fear of the pictures getting leaked out in workplace but did share text messages and kissed.

Feb 2018 started messaging OW3 a woman he met through work. More naked photos and sexting. They Met up one night April last year while I was at home with our 2 beautiful kids and 6 months pregnant with our 3rd.

Had anal sex in her garage.

A week later. BJ in her office.

Now when we have the discussion it’s not that he was “not having enough sex” but rather wanted “sexual excitement”

To him this means- wanted to be able to do “other stuff” I.e.- anal sex (which I suspect all stems from the porn) and whatever other dodgy shit he did with them.

To me this means- he just wanted the excitement of the chase and getting other woman that was not his wife. In essence- Living like he was single.

[This message edited by Kudulies at 11:58 PM, March 18th (Monday)]

I'm so sorry for all of these additional facts coming out now. And unfortunately it's always TT (trickle truth) and so you only know what he's admitting to so be prepared for more.

Right now you need to take care of yourself. Make sure you're eating, drinking lots of water, exercising.

Assuming you're not willing to share your H with other women, then it's time to see an attorney and start to understand what your options are.

Please make sure also that you get yourself tested for STDs.

Sending strength.

Wow, he had anal sex and then come home to his pregnant wife and presumably had sex with you at some point thereafter? So sorry Kudulies :( Please make sure you get tested!

@WhatElseToDo that’s exactly it!

When I expressed my disgust and asked if he EVER thought of it he said “No”- he hadn’t.

But later during another talk says he went for an AIDS test about a month later as he was concerned.

But then I asked when he had sex with me right after her did he never think what he was exposing me to. He said he never thought of it. I’m flabbergasted.

I told him even if he didn’t care about me- how could he not care about his unborn child.

He just said it merely never crossed his mind.

He said after he had sex with her he climbed in his car and as he was driving home he burst out crying. Couldn’t believe what he did. But then the BJ etc in her office came after that so couldn’t have been too much of an apiphany then?!?!

I feel like if he had real guilt/shame/ some sort of feeling/ ANY sort of feeling afterwards then their may be a chance of him changing. But I’m torn since with ALL 3 he never felt any guilt and carried on such a normal life showing NO SIGNS of anything. He hid it so well.

[This message edited by Kudulies at 6:18 AM, March 20th (Wednesday)]

Kudulies

There are positives and negatives in your story.

What is positive is that he is offering more info than you had already confirmed. It shows a will for atonement.

Hang around here long enough and you will realize that the main killer of marriages isn’t necessarily the infidelity itself, but rather the constant chipping away at any hope or wish to reconcile that trickle-truth and new discoveries leads to. His forthrightness is positive. It helps give you a base to decide if you want to put in the effort to reconcile or if you are better off divorcing.

This positive is immense. IMHO it’s the base on whether there is any future at all for this marriage.

The negatives?

Well… I find parts of his story hard to believe.

Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I have never even contemplated taking a picture of my dick and sending it to some woman in the hope it makes them want anal-sex in the garage. In fact – sending an unsolicited picture of a sexual nature is basically a crime in many/most states and a firing offence in many/most companies. I would THINK that by the time he feels safe enough to send him a dickpick there has been more than enough sexually-related communications to make him feel secure in sending the pics. Same the other way around. The woman isn’t sharing her pics without prompting or some affirmation or expectation that they not be spread on the office gossip forum. There is more build-up there than he’s letting in on.

Then the go-to-the-garage-for-anal-sex issue…

Back in the days when I was single I had to – as a minimum – buy a drink or two before getting some sex. Usually a dinner and maybe a couple of dates… Once again – maybe old-fashioned – but to go directly to anal-sex in the garage… No… Maybe anal was part of the act but I’m thinking your husband is misguided in thinking non-vaginal sex is “less” of a crime. It isn’t… what is “less” of a crime is the TRUTH.

I might be totally off on the above. Maybe the OW had her period or was into anal-sex. But to ME it smells funky (pun intended).

I THINK there is still some truth missing. Major relevant proof. In your shoes I would want more assurance that you know the truth.

Another negative is the work-related affairs.

In today’s work-environment HR and management HEAVILY frown on sexual misconduct. I don’t know your husbands work environment or his job-level, but I’m a manager and I KNOW that any personal/romantic/sexual connection with any co-worker and/or customer must be reported. I have had to talk to men about inappropriate actions, jokes, words and texts in the work-place. I have seen careers derailed because of inappropriate actions. It’s seldom as direct as a clear firing for sexual misconduct. It’s more often being passed over for bonuses, raises, promotions or a relocation to a dead-end job.

Keep in mind that if your H is like most other womanizers then it’s not that he finds ONE woman and get’s a reaction. He’s hitting out at anything wearing a skirt, sending messages and signals. Like a good hunter he then focuses on where he get’s nibbles. But honey – chances are the women at the office see your husband as one of those guys you don’t want to be alone in the elevator with.

He needs to understand how creepy his behavior is and how it threatens – amongst other things – the families income possibilities. He needs to realize the small but still present risk of being branded a sexual offender if he sends unsolicited sexual content. IMHO the sexual-offender list is overused: I personally would be OK living next door to someone charged with public urination and hate that they are marked in a comparable way as a flasher at a playground, but your husband is taking the risk of being included on such a list…

I think you are correct that the affairs had nothing to do with sex. I think ALL affairs are about power and domination and validation. Be it a man or a woman. Sex is simply the median, the forbidden reward or pay-off to establish you have this dominance and power and are validated. I think IC is the best tool for him to get to why he feels this entitled that he can have an affair.

One final thought:

IF you decide to reconcile and carry on with this marriage then DO NOT fall into the trap that the solution is simply that he no longer cheats.

Give yourself time to think seriously what you want out of a marriage. A good point to ponder is to look at him and remember that if he had a life-threatening accident and was in a coma the doctors would ask YOU if they should keep him alive on life-support. What would your decision be based on? Duty? Love? Financial reasons? Relief of getting rid of him?

Then turn the roles around and imagine YOU were in a coma. Why would HE keep you alive?

Personally, I hope that in the above scenario my decision (and my wife’s) would be based on LOVE and RESPECT – irrespective of if they hit the on or off switch.

IF you decide to stay in this marriage then make sure he commits to the work to realize and work out why he cheats. But also commit to the work of improving your communications, setting joint goals and working at being a better couple.

But be clear on this: That work is in no way connected to the affair. He did not cheat because of marital issues.

I find it really hard to believe that the first time your WH has sex with a woman is in her garage and anal. It would be much more likely that he has told you this to lessen the blow...in his mind. I mean let's face it, anal sex is taboo and "dirty"...so, just having anal sex with this OW makes it seem less intimate, less special, less meaningful...not as bad, in his mind.

I would also question his confession that he only sent pictures to the other OW. He only sent pictures, but then gets her a job...and spends time in her office. That just sounds like he's downplaying this affair as well.

I would demand he take a polygraph. See how he reacts to that. And even if he seems to react all gung ho to take one, go through with it. You wouldn't believe the number of WSs who made sudden "parking lot confessions"...or whose stories changed once the polygraph came back as lying.

@Bigger thank you for the time you took to reply. I appreciate it more than you know.

I didn’t want to get too long winded or unecessarily graphic but for the sake of completeness of story I’ll go into it.

OW3 he gets her number from work paperwork. A total stranger. Feb 2018.

Messages her to find out how the “service was” she replies and they start chatting. This is Feb 2018.

They message back and forth In March.

He says it was just gegneral chat but says they did talk about their fantasies. She said she had done “everything you can think of” even been with 2 guys at one time.

He says his fantasy is anal sex (I’m guessing this comes from his porn issues)

Beginnings april they share photos etc

April 13 2018 they are messaging at night.

She says she wants to kiss him. They talk about that etc.

She sends her address. He goes there. Her children are inside. Her husband works away.

He goes into garage. She kisses him briefly. Asks him what he is thinking. He says “anal sex”

She drops her pants- leans over car. He enters. It’s excrutiatingly sore. He goes soft.

He lies down. She tries to get it hard again, tries to put it inside her vagina but can’t since it’s soft.

She uses mouth and hand. He climaxes.

He leaves.

This is his story.

Thank you to everyone who is following my story and assisting me in not making me think I’m crazy for thinking there is more to this.

Hugs Kudulies

1. We were not having “regular sex” at the time. I was almost full term with our second baby. Had a 2 year old at home. Was completing my masters degree. Had just started my own practice. Was stretched in all directions.

This is called life. It wasn't easy for you either and you didn't cheat.

2. The not having loads of sex bothered him but he never communicated that. So he turned to porn to masterbate to. He says it was never videos. Just pictures. Apparently that’s his “thing”. Pictures

.

Blameshifting at its finest right there.

3. So when this woman suddenly showed him attention (which he wasn’t getting at home) he immediately went to default and went for what was exciting for him- pictures.

Excuses, excuses, excuses...

4. Apparently he told her from the start- this will never go further than pictures. I love my wife. (This is what he says- but also can’t really remember what transpired in these WhatsApp messages from 2 years ago. Wish there was some way we could retrieve these)

Straight from the cheaters handbook "I love my spouse" "I'm not leaving my family" Blah, blah, freaking blah.

5. After there pictures were exchanged it ended. That was it. However- it only ended because SHE stopped messaging him. He still would have continued and apparently tried a few times after to start things up again but nothing from her.

My Spidy Sense tells me this is the tip of the iceberg. Trickle Truth is most likely coming your way.

Sending hugs and strength. You are going to need both.

Please - make sure you are taking care of yourself a little extra during this time.

That gives more clarity.

I don’t want to hammer on bad news but IMHO the very basis of reconciliation is total and utter acknowledgement of the truth.

I find it extremely strange that a follow-up service call leads to sexual talk.

“Hi – Was your shopping experience positive? I’m into leather – do you like dildo’s?”

I just don’t see it…

I would worry that he does the follow-ups to fish for contacts.

Once again – sorry for the negativity – but the number of OW, his total lack of recognition of the affairs might hurt you and the nature of your WH affairs make me wonder if he is one of those men that are constantly hitting out searching for the next bite.

To use a fly-fishing comparison: Some anglers are content standing in one spot throwing the same fly at the same spot for hours. Others prefer to walk around, cast in a circle where they stop, change flies fast and often and then move on. It sounds like your husband is the latter. He might even be doing this unconsciously. I suggest you get a clear answer for why he contacted this customer, and what customers he’s contacting now. Only women? Mainly women? Is he using his work account to contact them and then later on sexting with them?

Yes- @Bigger. That’s it.

He’s a paramedic.

Attended an accident. It was her family member.

She came to the scene. He found her attractive.

He found the case sheet. Took her number.

Started with hello I’m just finding out what u thought of the service received on scene. She said she was happy.

He asked how she found him/his treatment.

She replied- she thought he was handsome.

And that was it. He was in.

From there messages and then the sex.

He defintwly was the wayward fisherman as all 3 OW were just people who came on his path and he persued then via text.

Could have easily looked the other way/not engaged.

He was pretty much just constantly thinking about sex and looking for any woman that was possibly willing and could give him pictures/naughty talk/sex.

A serious concern of mine is that he had absolutely no feelings of guilt or that he had done anything wrong. Until I found out. That seriously worries me. Who is this man?

He says though that he had built up loads of anger towards me for not doing “exciting sex stuff” and he just wanted excitement.

Again. I see this as him just wanting other woman. The thrill of the chase. The need to know he can still get other woman.

He waisted 12 sessions and 8 months of Councilling sticking to the “ it was only dick pics” with the OW1.

I felt something was off and thanks to the support on this group I kept at it. Questioning.

I exposed OW2.

He then voluntarily came forward with OW3.

But the above is his story.

He says. This. Is. It. No more to it.

I just don’t know.

That’s the thing though hey. Cheaters lie.

My heart is in a million pieces. And my mind all over the place.

Thank you again for the support.

[This message edited by Kudulies at 1:46 PM, March 20th (Wednesday)]