SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Singlecatmom - How did it go last night? How are you feeling today?

I'm going to disagree here - as usual. You are making a decision in less than a week. That's nuts. Crazytown nuts unless for you an A is a deal breaker...and honestly most of us say that in theory but in practice, even if it really is, it takes more than a week to figure out.

There are two betrayals here IMO - and they are VERY VERY VERY different.

Your partner has betrayed you - and there IS no excuse for that - none. Period. He has had an A and has done what about 1/2 the WS on this site have done and what about 1/2 the BS's on this site have lived through...the "I'm picking the AP or I'm not sure what to do" dance from their WP. Your partner, regardless of what happens with the two of you, has a lot of work to do.

You also betrayed your partner by not telling him about the assault. It's NOT the same kind of betrayal, but if you were headed down the "till death do us part" avenue, this is something you share with them - let them in - let them be a part of your life. I did the same thing to my own WH when I didn't tell him that I had lapsed into a deep depression and completely lost my sex drive for almost a year - as it turns out it was related to the medications I was prescribed for a disease I have - but I didn't talk to him about how I felt and instead let him wallow in feeling like I had no interest in him anymore for a long long long time. Does that excuse his behavior? No - absolutely not! But it doesn't excuse mine either. You messed up - and you messed up not only for him but for you, and that's okay. My point of this is NOT to berate you, but to put the focus on YOU - work on you for a bit and let him do whatever he's going to do.

I think you should definitely postpone the wedding and/or call it off - that doesn't matter - and get help for yourself. A SA is a BIG deal and has likely caused you a lot more issues than you imagine even now. Go NC with him - do the 180 for YOU - and let the chips fall as they may. Watch and wait and you may find out (like me) that by the time your wayward partner comes around (if they do) that you don't want them anymore anyway...or maybe you will and you try to work it out. I don't know but what I do know is a lot of people aren't following the advice I was given in droves after my first post on here:

Don't make any life altering decisions in the heat of the moment.

It's good advice for just about every situation in life. Take a breath. Have a breakdown. Do whatever you need to do to try to calm down just a bit and don't involve everyone and their brother until you are certain.

And don't worry about calling off the wedding - this is coming from someone who called off a wedding with 300 people planning to attend, 30 of which were flying from half way around the world to get to it, and we called it off about 3 months before it was going to happen. You will be okay regardless of how that goes down...but PLEASE take a breath. This is not an invitation to do the "pick me" dance, but instead to give yourself some time to just breathe.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 11:45 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

emergent8- The night of wasn't great. He's back to "idk what to do." I played the "Pick Me" dance, which in hindsight is embarrassing. I'm so depressed< i can't think straight. I read him a 3 page letter I wrote explaining the SA and my decision to attempt to let it go. He was very understanding and forgiving.

ThisIsSoLonely, thank you so much for this reply. I needed to hear it. Re: not disclosing the SA- it was stupid. Basically, without getting into too much detail, it didn't seem that bad I guess. (TRIGGER WARNING) I was cornered in a parking garage stairwell at knifepoint, but no penetration occurred- just awkward fondling and attempting to remove my jeans. He ran off in 3 minutes as it was a fumbling mess and I was fighting back quite a bit. That night, my BF-at-the-time was at work until midnight. The adrenalie had exhausted me and I passed out around 10. The next day was a daze, so was the next, and I kept trying to tell him but chickening out. Then BOOM- depression hit and I basically went underwater. I had no idea it was coming, or how debilitating it would be. Again, I deeply regret my behavior over this past year.

Thank you for advising me to take some time. I started dabbling in the 180 yesterday. I am trying to stay strong with it now, but it is hard. I want to cry and beg him to come back to me, but he tells me he loves her. If he told me he'd leave her, I think I would reconcile. It's hard not hearing him say he's done with her and committing back to me, so we can both go back to our best selves, prior to all this.

sometimes to save a relationship you have to be willing to lose it.

Keep on with the 180, make him cancel things for the wedding - if you stay together you can always start planning again. I would feel this one would be tainted if I were in your situation.

Does his parents know? If not, tell them!

MamaDragon- This is basically where I found myself. I have the power to take myself out of this equation. This isn't about me anymore, I am going to move on from this with him or without him. It is him who needs to what needs to be done to move on. If he picks her, great. He needs to start packing. Calling our families. Calling our vendors. Repaying my mom for the things she purchased for the wedding. Arranging housing/moving in with OW. I am not going to do that. He said he picked her on Sunday, then didn't move a finger to make that happen for himself. Just settled back into "the unknown." That is their business, not mine.

I need to do what I need to do. Yesterday I got a manicure and bought myself an expensive bouquet. I flirted back with a guy who has in the past attempted to make a move on me, and whom I rejected (because I was in a relationship and have MORALS). Today my best friends are joining me at PP to get tested for STDs. Tomorrow, I am going to the zoo. I am doing things, and whatever he wants to do, he can do around me, without my help or guidance.

I can understand why he felt you were checked out of the relationship, but the way he handled it is just inexcusable. I really think you should just be done with him. You guys aren't married and don't have any kids, so I don't see any reason to go through this with him. He's already picked her, and you should proceed as if things are completely over. Tell him he needs to move out, and start canceling the wedding. Ask him to reimburse your mom for anything she's paid for. Maybe he'll pull his head out of his ass and fight to win you back. But at this point, he's cake eating and you need to put a stop to it. Even if he does pull his head out of his ass, I still think you should end it with him. He clearly has no integrity and was too chicken shit to be honest with you. Be thankful you discovered this about him before you were married. The fact he flaunted the affair in front of everyone makes it so much worse. So disgusting and disrespectful. And he was having unprotected sex with both of you as well. You deserve better. Let the disgusting POS who he "loves" have him. They deserve each other. You are far too good for him.

Sounds like you are doing great! Glad to see that you are able to see things the way you are.

How is he taking the way you are acting?

Enjoy the zoo!!!!

What Lp0725 said. Do this before your lives are even more entangled. When he shows you who he is believe him.

I'm sorry for all you have been through. I'm sorry your fiance chose to cheat on you when you were going through your depression, even if he didn't know the reason, finding comfort from someone else is never a good solution. This might sound strange, but it's best you found this out about him now than after you married.

I am glad you are seeing a therapist about your SA and I pray you will continue to heal from those wounds and the wounds from your breakup. If he continue to string you along it's best you cut ties, otherwise, he will just continue hurting you.

I would not recommend dating anytime soon, either. You are very vulnerable right now to anyone giving you positive attention, and although it will feel good and right, you really need to take time for yourself right now and heal from all of this trauma. You will be better prepared for future relationships if you take the time now to heal. Just my thoughts.

Things have blown up.

I did the 180. The AP/OW contacted me, and I invited her into my home. She told me everything. She showed me all their conversations. She told me she always knew she was the OW, that he was never actually going to leave me, and that he was using her as a distraction for his loneliness, which she bought into. She showed me the conversation they had after I disclosed my SA to him. He told her that he and I spoke and got to the bottom of what our problems were. He apologized to her for leading her on. He told her she was a good person and deserved better than someone who was only giving her half his attention while he held out for the woman he really wanted (me.) They shared I love yous in this convo, which hurt to see, but she was an open book. She said the affair was brief, mostly them just sharing their hardships with each other, and then it crossed the line.

She told me how incredibly sorry she was. She told me she would respect his No Contact. She told me she never actually thought about dating him or having any kind of relationship. She said they do have feelings for each other, but not deep enough to constitute continuing to hurt me.

Everything she told me and showed me lined up with what he told me when I confronted him. She had proof for everything. I am very happy I spoke to her.

She encouraged me to give him a chance Said it was clear that he loved me and missed me, and desperately wanted me back to normal. She said she understands how the SA affected me (I disclosed this to her, he did not). She said he was wrong to betray me after I became so broken and depressed, but that he never faltered on how much he loved me and wanted me back. She said he told her that all the time- that he was hoping one day I'd wake up and be me again. She said she felt he used her for attention and validation, and she used him for the same.

Anyway. That was last night. I am at work today processing all of this.

I say, do not continue with him. None of what he or she said matters. The fact is that, when you were at your lowest and needed him the most, he let you down in the worst possible way. It doesn't matter that you didn't tell him about the SA. You were struggling and, rather than taking care of you, he got himself a girlfriend because he felt neglected. He is extremely selfish.

I haven't read this entire thread, but I'm concerned that you may be taking some of the blame for his cheating because you didn't tell him about your SA. Don't do that. What he did is 100% on him. Circumstances never excuse cheating, not even a tiny bit.

My fch was like that. When I was at my very lowest, struggling with my depression and other issues, he got himself a girlfriend because he felt neglected. If I weren't married to him with kids, I would've left. Don't set yourself up to be in my situation later.

I'm of torn with what to tell you, on one hand I want to tell you to give him a chance to redeem himself - go to IC and relationship counseling to learn how to communicate with one another. It seems as if he is truly remorseful.

BUT. I worry because what if something happens that causes you to go into a funk again. Will he do the same thing?

The only thing I can offer is this - go to counseling together and see if you can work on your communication. You don't have to move back in together or date or anything but take the relationship back to 'friendly' and go from there.

You know you are a strong person, you can survive without him - and flourish, so keep that in mind. (hugs)

If you stay, don't say anything that makes you feel like you've made a permanent commitment. If you stay, make sure he knows it's "for now".

Meanwhile you really need to figure out why you wouldn't tell him about the assault. I know assault is complicated, I've been through it myself, but a relationship in which you don't feel you can tell your partner something like this is not worth having. Why did you not feel safe to tell him? What is it about your relationship that did not allow that openness?

Don't just say you messed up and leave it at that. First of all, the blame does not lie entirely with you for that. There's the nature of assault - which often creates feelings of shame in the victim - and then there's the nature of your relationship. Really dig into that last part.

The future holds challenges too, not just the past. If the two of you cannot openly face those challenges together, then this is not the right relationship for you.

annanew- Great question.

I did describe the assault briefly elsewhere in the thread. Basically, to me, it didn't seem "bad" enough to mention. And mostly, I was afraid he'd make me do something about it. Get therapy, report it, tell someone, talk about it, whatever. I wanted it to disappear. If I told him about it, it would be real.

I am comfortable and confident saying that me keeping that from him was not reflective of our relationship, but of me as a person and my inner demons.

They are always so very sorry after they get caught.

This person has shown you that when the chips are down, he does not have your back. He is acting like a cake eater through and through.

In some strange, far fetched ways, I think I have some useful insight to offer, though all of it is from a very different perspective.

Regarding the SA: My heart goes out to you. My daughter suffered a SA 3 years ago just after the start of her second semester of college. To this day, I don't know what happened, though I know there is a police report and hospital records. Recovery is similar to that of an affair 3-5 years, with support and counseling. We discuss counseling generalities, only, and I'm OK with that. Happy to say, she is now doing great.

Regarding the affair, or the events leading up to it. My situation is not at all like yours. I am the BS D-Day was 4 years ago (long distance 10 month EA with no contact, almost all texting, sexting, but few picture).

Anyway my wife went from this affair, into a state of depression, after D-day, and hasn't come back. She goes to counseling, but focuses only on what happened in the last week, so there is no progress or improvement. She's on medication, but often forgets to take it. Additionally she used to see a Psychiatrist and now sees a nurse practitioner who changed all her meds. Her meds turn her into a virtual zombie. She needs both a new IC and a new Psych. I can and have looked up providers and given her numbers, but I can't make appointments and drag her there. I have gotten her pill dispensers and filled them with pills so she has night and day pill containers, but I can't make her take them.

I sunk into a state of catatonia. No touching, kissing, laughing, joy, connection, etc from my end. Totally checked out. He proposed in this time frame. Begged me to seek help for what he thought was work stress. I blew him off.

I live this loneliness, that your fiance saw, on a daily basis and I have empathy for him. It is true, I have never cheated, but I have felt the hug of an old friend and said to myself "that felt good" and "I can't remember the last time my wife did that". Your fiance tried to help, and from the sounds of it, he tried to help your for quite some time. I'm still trying, and haven't given up. Of course my situation is again much different as I have already been married for 28 years.

Finally, the reason your fiance choose her, initially, was because you made yourself unavailable, and he had no idea why. I'm not saying it was wrong. Its difficult enough to come to terms with own being under those circumstances.

I wont't tell you what to do beyond at least postponing, your wedding. I wish you luck and want you to know that you can recover and will be happy again.

[This message edited by toughtotrust at 5:08 PM, May 20th (Monday)]

He contacted her. He fought for her. Told her he loved her, wanted to marry her (my engagement ring is still warm from being on my hand, dude), wanted to have babies with her, etc. Told her he was done with me even though he had just asked me for a reconciliation.

Left him. He's packing his stuff. I exposed him. I feel great.

I put myself on Hinge the night I ended it. I've had so many responses. Not ready to date yet, just nice to know I've got options.

I'm going to be okay :)

Obviously, the reason he cheated was NOT about your depression or your availability then. You see that now, right? People don't act outside their own value system because of someone else. They do it because in the cheater's personal code, betrayal is option. It's a choice which is NOT eliminated by a resilient, honest character. Your values are not his values.

Further, it sure looks like the OW came to your house, triangulated with you, made herself out to be a really good sport, and acted like she was moving on. Cue the cheater to give chase as his kibble source appears to be getting away. That's the kind of people you were dealing with.. people who use others to plaster up the holes inside where their decency should be, who feed off others in order to bolster their flailing self-esteem.

I'm so sorry that you were treated so disrespectfully. There is a bit of a silver lining though. You've found out who he is before you ended up married to him. Change is difficult, introspective and hard-won. Chances are better than average that he'll treat the next woman like he's treated you. If it's the OW he's been cheating with, she won't even be able to say it was a surprise.

((big hugs))

Any moron that says shit like "I want to have babies with you" isn't worth your time. You'll be fine. Exposing him was the right decision.

(((Singlecatmom)))

You will be fine. You are smart to end things.

Heal yourself. From this betrayal from your attack.

Then when you love you and are happy with who you are as a person, a real healthy relationship will fall into place.

Don't be anxious to get "back on the horse". Learn and enjoy some healing time, and the summer.

((((And Healing)))