SD - I know you said you wanted virtual hugs, and I hope you understand that the bluntness of the responses you're getting to your latest post ARE a kind of virtual love. When I'm stuck in a rut, I count on my friends to kick me in the butt and get me moving in the right direction again. The people here are your allies in your struggle to get out of infidelity. Every single response is meant to give you what you need to accomplish that.
Right now, you don't need coddling. You don't need sympathy. You don't need 'nice'. You don't need anything that's going to help you to keep wallowing, as you have been for a long, long time. What you need now is that kick in the butt.
You have GOT to stop this. STOP THIS. Aren't you sick of posting these 'updates' that aren't updates at all? That are just basically posts saying 'hey, everyone, I'm still in the exact same place I was when I last posted and have made no progress - my H is still an ass who flaunts his affair in my face, I'm still miserable and I just don't know what to do'? Then everyone tells you exactly what you need to do, and you ignore it all and then come back two months later to basically rinse and repeat.
All the spiritual journeys and meds and support groups in the world can't help you if YOU refuse to take ACTION. You're like an alcoholic who goes to AA while still drinking every day - it will get you NOWHERE.
WHY are you still trying to cling to this sham of a relationship? WHY are you still living with this douchebag? WHY haven't you exposed and cut your losses with this sh*t? WHY doesn't the OBS already know? WHY WHY WHY are you STILL seeking validation from anybody other than yourself - and particularly a person who has proven time and time again that he is a piece of crap??
You are BETTER THAN THIS. You just need to prove it to yourself and then EVERYTHING can change.
You need your Scrooge moment. The moment when you envision your future, the way it will be if you continue on the path you're currently traveling - the living nightmare of having THIS be your life for the next five, ten, twenty years. The horror of being stuck in this emotional wasteland for the rest of your time on this earth.
And then you need to wake up and realize that it is NOT an inevitability. You can CHANGE your trajectory, and you do NOT have to accept a future like that.
STOP trying to reconcile. It's not going to happen. I don't usually say this to anybody on SI, but there is NO HOPE of R in your marriage. He's not interested, and you can't force R. Not true R, anyway.
Get those D papers drawn up and get this DONE. FREE yourself from this man. Fly away and never, ever look backwards.
And then enjoy the rest of your life as a woman not tied down to a toxic, morally bankrupt person. Enjoy the rest of your days in peace, liberated finally. You are scared, I know, but you have no idea what amazing things the future holds for you - unless you stay with him. Then you know EXACTLY what it holds for you.
That future is not what you choose for yourself, is it?
If not...then you know what you have to do. You KNOW what you have to do.
Please keep us updated - again, we care about you. More than your own husband does, and that's not how it should be, is it?
Good luck, friend.