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Newest Member: Starrystarrynight

Just Found Out :
I'm different now, but still the same

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beauchateaux ( member #57201) posted at 12:14 AM on Friday, June 14th, 2019

SD - I know you said you wanted virtual hugs, and I hope you understand that the bluntness of the responses you're getting to your latest post ARE a kind of virtual love. When I'm stuck in a rut, I count on my friends to kick me in the butt and get me moving in the right direction again. The people here are your allies in your struggle to get out of infidelity. Every single response is meant to give you what you need to accomplish that.

Right now, you don't need coddling. You don't need sympathy. You don't need 'nice'. You don't need anything that's going to help you to keep wallowing, as you have been for a long, long time. What you need now is that kick in the butt.

You have GOT to stop this. STOP THIS. Aren't you sick of posting these 'updates' that aren't updates at all? That are just basically posts saying 'hey, everyone, I'm still in the exact same place I was when I last posted and have made no progress - my H is still an ass who flaunts his affair in my face, I'm still miserable and I just don't know what to do'? Then everyone tells you exactly what you need to do, and you ignore it all and then come back two months later to basically rinse and repeat.

All the spiritual journeys and meds and support groups in the world can't help you if YOU refuse to take ACTION. You're like an alcoholic who goes to AA while still drinking every day - it will get you NOWHERE.

WHY are you still trying to cling to this sham of a relationship? WHY are you still living with this douchebag? WHY haven't you exposed and cut your losses with this sh*t? WHY doesn't the OBS already know? WHY WHY WHY are you STILL seeking validation from anybody other than yourself - and particularly a person who has proven time and time again that he is a piece of crap??

You are BETTER THAN THIS. You just need to prove it to yourself and then EVERYTHING can change.

You need your Scrooge moment. The moment when you envision your future, the way it will be if you continue on the path you're currently traveling - the living nightmare of having THIS be your life for the next five, ten, twenty years. The horror of being stuck in this emotional wasteland for the rest of your time on this earth.

And then you need to wake up and realize that it is NOT an inevitability. You can CHANGE your trajectory, and you do NOT have to accept a future like that.

STOP trying to reconcile. It's not going to happen. I don't usually say this to anybody on SI, but there is NO HOPE of R in your marriage. He's not interested, and you can't force R. Not true R, anyway.

Get those D papers drawn up and get this DONE. FREE yourself from this man. Fly away and never, ever look backwards.

And then enjoy the rest of your life as a woman not tied down to a toxic, morally bankrupt person. Enjoy the rest of your days in peace, liberated finally. You are scared, I know, but you have no idea what amazing things the future holds for you - unless you stay with him. Then you know EXACTLY what it holds for you.

That future is not what you choose for yourself, is it?

If not...then you know what you have to do. You KNOW what you have to do.

Please keep us updated - again, we care about you. More than your own husband does, and that's not how it should be, is it?

Good luck, friend.

I edit pretty much every post because I always hit submit and then think of 'one more thing' to say.

posts: 318   ·   registered: Jan. 31st, 2017   ·   location: Chicago
id 8392409
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 Stilldenying (original poster member #62712) posted at 1:34 AM on Friday, June 14th, 2019

Why am I still clinging? Because it's the only thing I have known. Because it was the only thing I was taught and grew up with. Because I was a 22 year old with little experience that got pregnant. Because we became a family. Because I loved how responsible he was, his incredible work ethic (then), his strength of body and mind, integrity. Because so many days he was so good to me. Those qualities made me overlook the verbal abuse often disguised as humor in public. And I won't even get into the SA shit. It was the only thing I knew!! Because I don't want to give up on him, he is a stranger in my husband's body after 31 years. Because he didn't want to divorce and says it will be me that ends the marriage, my fault. Because I am financially dependent and haven't had any bites on getting back to work again. I am turning 54 and he 60. How the hell do I survive? Because I am so fucking confused I can't think straight, because when I do open my eyes to the reality of the last 2 fucking years it's too fucking painful. I'm sorry for the rant, I really am. I'm sorry because I know you all mean so well. I'm just not in a good place right now laying in bed in this house alone praying I don't have a full blown panic attack wondering if or when I will hear from him.

posts: 91   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2018
id 8392443
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:38 AM on Friday, June 14th, 2019

I don't understand. You've been here awhile. You've read a thousand times that informing the OBS typically ends the affair. Why haven't you told him?

But you are what you did
And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived..

posts: 6822   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8392446
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 Stilldenying (original poster member #62712) posted at 2:17 AM on Friday, June 14th, 2019

Hellfire, I fantasize about it all the time, have even tried to think of ways to, but this is a subordinate situation and I am not ready for the consequences that it could bring with an unknown response.

posts: 91   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2018
id 8392468
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 2:27 AM on Friday, June 14th, 2019

I know eventually it will be exposed at work and probably have serious repercussions and that the OBS will probably find out too.

This has been your problem from day1, you've tried it your way and of course has not worked, why don't you try the collective wisdom of SI ? EXPOSE right now !!!

But I honestly, after what you've posted Ithink you should get out of this abusive relationship, consult an attorney for the exact time to file to get lifetime alimony, get your ducks in a row and then file for D without warning.

posts: 2738   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8392473
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Smashedhrt ( member #69392) posted at 2:42 AM on Friday, June 14th, 2019

It’s time to end this. You are being abused.

Tell him to move out.

Get s Lester and insist on full financial disclosure. Go to your bank and get all records. He may be siphoning funds. Assume he is, as it’s clear he has no respect for your marriage.

It’s over. Why would you even consider taking him back? What could he offer you after this treatment?

It’s scary and hard, but life without the lying cheater is like a release from prison.

You can do it.

Married 1999
2 teens
D day nov 21, 2018
Divorced nov 2019
Divorce underway

posts: 200   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2019
id 8392477
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InRetrospect ( member #18641) posted at 4:55 AM on Friday, June 14th, 2019

SD, you sound like such a good, grounded person. He needs to go fuck himself. What an ass.

You deserve such a better life, and you are still so young, in the scheme of things.

I wish you nothing but the best.

What is it with men?

posts: 318   ·   registered: Mar. 15th, 2008   ·   location: California
id 8392517
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Notmine ( member #57221) posted at 1:19 PM on Saturday, June 15th, 2019

Your situation makes me really sad. You are doing the same things over and over and getting the same results. We can all see so clearly the mistakes you are making, and you say you hear us, but you do not change. Have you considered that if you expose to work and other spouse, the affair might end? If it does, what do you expect will happen? He is not interested in changing so another affair is almost certainly on the horizon. It seems to me that you have 2 choices1. Get used to living in infidelity and find a way to live in peace (even if you live separate lives) or 2. Get your life and self respect back. Either path is going to mean big, painful changes. Either path. You are obviously not doing well as things stand. I know that change is scary, but it is time.

When you're going through hell, for God's sake, DON'T STOP!

posts: 758   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2017   ·   location: DC
id 8393180
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Can Not Believe ( member #30508) posted at 2:26 PM on Saturday, June 15th, 2019

Sorry to say but the man has no respect for you because you have none for yourself. He cannot respect you because he knows that he can do and say anything - literally- ANYTHING - and YOU will do nothing.

He knows this. He can come and go as he please. You will still be there acting and looking pathetic - which will eventually bring out his disgust of you. He will show you this disgust for you - and you - you will do nothing but take it and whine and cry and beg.

This will only perpetuate MORE disgust for you because you are just a sad rejected woman with no pride of self. How can he love you when YOU don’t even love yourself?

Until you show some pride and love for yourself - he has no reason to change. He has no consequences to endure. So the very thing you want - him to love you and treat you with respect, you will NEVER get from him, because he doesn’t have to do anything, cause he knows you will do nothing.

You have more power than you know, but you won’t use it to your advantage. See a doctor, see a lawyer, and step out on faith.

With your inaction so far, all you have shown him is that you are not worthy, and he has left you anyway.

Really sad and frustrating but only you can help you at this point

I do wish you well, but unfortunately all of us here can see the writing on the wall, and sadly , because on your INABILITY to help yourself, we can also see how this will end.

Can Not Believe

I cannot believe this is a part of my life.

Me: BW - 68 FWH - 68 years old
Married: 48 years (2020) - 2 sons (1978 &1983)
Possible OC: 29 at the time
DD: Friday - August 13, 2010
OC refused paternity test
No Contact since June/2011

posts: 371   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2010   ·   location: New Jersey
id 8393196
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Can Not Believe ( member #30508) posted at 2:26 PM on Saturday, June 15th, 2019

Duplicate post

[This message edited by Can Not Believe at 8:30 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]

I cannot believe this is a part of my life.

Me: BW - 68 FWH - 68 years old
Married: 48 years (2020) - 2 sons (1978 &1983)
Possible OC: 29 at the time
DD: Friday - August 13, 2010
OC refused paternity test
No Contact since June/2011

posts: 371   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2010   ·   location: New Jersey
id 8393197
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Western ( member #46653) posted at 4:14 PM on Saturday, June 15th, 2019

I wouldn't have been so blunt but I like it. Can not believe spells it out. We can't support you until you are willing to stand up for yourself.

So second chance here. What are you going to do to turn the tide and protect yourself from this asshole ???

posts: 3608   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2015   ·   location: U.S.
id 8393229
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Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 4:25 PM on Saturday, June 15th, 2019

Paralysis bleeds into martyrdom at some point, and, gently, I think you are there. In the end that is a self-imposed misery.

Please get yourself help to take a stand.

posts: 978   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
id 8393235
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 Stilldenying (original poster member #62712) posted at 3:23 PM on Sunday, June 16th, 2019

It's been 4 days since he left. Have been spending alot of time with my girlfriends. She is trying set up free consultations with a couple more attorneys for me. I've already had one a few months ago but really would like to have a couple more. Haven't reached out at all except 1 email the morning after he left saying that I will not have a marriage with a 3rd person anymore nor beg or compete for his time, consideration, attention or affection. Doesn't seem like much but if you know me and my story, that's actually pretty darn good. I feel strangely calm today, I can't explain it. I mean I actually have no idea where he is staying. Pretty sure he will show up today, he doesn't have clothes for work next week and doesn't have his daily medications. When that happens is when I really need to stay strong and not engage at all. But you know what? I am fucking fabulous, if he doesn't see that then it's his loss.

posts: 91   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2018
id 8393562
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Can Not Believe ( member #30508) posted at 3:58 PM on Sunday, June 16th, 2019

Since you know he will probably show up for more clothes to go wherever he is, why not surprise and shock him and just put his clothes in plastic bags, and leave them on the porch.

Take a PRO active approach this time. Give him something to think about for a change.

Basically, to get him to think about YOU for a change, see the lawyer and stay silent. He will be expecting you to chase him as usual - you know - the same old same old.

You absolutely have to switch up your game plan to get a change in this situation.

Can Not Believe

I cannot believe this is a part of my life.

Me: BW - 68 FWH - 68 years old
Married: 48 years (2020) - 2 sons (1978 &1983)
Possible OC: 29 at the time
DD: Friday - August 13, 2010
OC refused paternity test
No Contact since June/2011

posts: 371   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2010   ·   location: New Jersey
id 8393573
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:25 PM on Sunday, June 16th, 2019

I guess I just dont understand what you think could happen if you tell her husband. Hasn't the worst happened? You've endured 2 years of solid abuse. Your husband has already left you. He may have lived in the house with you, but he left a long time ago. He hasn't cared that you were dying inside.

All your silence had done is enable him to continue to fuck another man's wife. You have helped them have this affair.

Do the right thing. For her husband,and yourself. Tell him the truth. Will it make your husband mad? Sure. He's already mad. Will it cause him to leave? He's already left.

Stop being the other woman's best friend by keeping her secrets.

Stand up for yourself.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:26 AM, June 16th (Sunday)]

But you are what you did
And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived..

posts: 6822   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8393610
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 5:59 PM on Sunday, June 16th, 2019

SD, you're doing great. You're finally standing up for yourself and demanding the respect that you deserve. Stay the course.

posts: 5232   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8393629
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 6:37 PM on Sunday, June 16th, 2019

It's all one sided. When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired you'll act. As you've seen living on hopium that he'll have an epiphany and get it just extends your stay in limbo.

He is fine with this because there are no consequences for him.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8393648
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 11:41 AM on Monday, June 17th, 2019

Great first step.

Ow hire an attorney and continue to move forward.

I was ready to D my H at 53. He earned much more $ than I did. We were married 25 years and together 30. But I value ME more than my marriage.

And I did the waiting and hoping fir 6 months. Hopi g things sound change. Hoping he would come to his senses. Then one day I cane to my senses.

And the day I stood up to him and told him I was Divorcing him was the day he stopped cheating, ended the Affair and has been a wonderful H filled with remorse and commitment to our marriage. I restored my power in the marriage by no longer Being viewed as weak.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 14761   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8393893
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 Stilldenying (original poster member #62712) posted at 5:28 PM on Monday, June 17th, 2019

He came home yesterday late morning as expected. I kept it cool, didn't even ask where he stayed or if he was staying. He asked how I was doing when he walked in the door and I said I was great. Been doing things with friends and treating myself to steak dinners. Refuse to go back to 96 pounds!

He asked to take me to breakfast and I'm like a free meal, sure. Then he didn't head home after and surprised me with a day at the aquarium. I just enjoyed the day without alot of conversation yet was polite. Left him on the chair when he fell asleep during a movie and I slept in my comfy bed with my kitty. This morning he actually reached out, emails me and says he really enjoyed OUR TIME TOGETHER yesterday and hope I have a good day!!! I didn't reply for a few hours with a thank you for breakfast and the outing. Great workout 💪, getting my confidence back!! I don't think he knows what to make of me. I have no expectations whatsoever, maybe this is the POLF I read about here? I refuse to lead this train anymore. As previously stated, it's in my best interest to wait till anniversary to qualify for lifetime support. I'm still strangley calm. I offer no affection or reconciliation anymore. I will enjoy pleasantries as they come but will not initiate them, and I don't mean sex. I'm just numb and good right now.

posts: 91   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2018
id 8394029
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 Stilldenying (original poster member #62712) posted at 10:29 PM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2019

I bought myself a bouquet of flowers today ♥️. Told myself "I love you".

posts: 91   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2018
id 8394640
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