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I think an RA is a very normal thought, but I think a lot of BSs avoid it because:

The BS is often the partner MOST invested in the marriage, so the thought of a RA is abhorrent to them. Many BSs are truly traumatized by the betrayal and the thought of doing that to someone they truly love just doesn't fly.

Personally, I think living well is the best revenge. Being the best you can be has its own rewards, no matter what happens in the marriage.

Cat

PS: I also took him to the cleaners. It helped.

A lot of betrayed spouses talk about the concept of an RA. Few here on SI actually have one, or at least few admit to it. There is a group dynamic here where RA's are strongly condemned. I don't share the majority view that an RA "brings you down" to the level of the WS. I fully understand the urge to have one.

In my view, however, an RA rarely delivers a satisfying feeling of true revenge, mainly for the reasons others describe, one of the main ones being that WS's often try to weaponize the BS's RA by using it to attempt to minimize the wickedness of what the WS did in the first place. Everything in life is a double-edged sword, an RA being no exception.

I can admit I can be a very spiteful person when I feel I've been wronged

Sounds like something to work on. (Presuming in process, hence your post).

Spite is an interesting word, very unpleasant and malign. I’d start there.

As for a need tit for tat, I feel it’s a throwback to childhood, and can also be looked at.

One might wish a WS to get a sense of the devastation of a BS, but really I’d only wish the pain of that revelation to be momentary for my WS. Passing pain on doesn’t diminish one’s own, it just multiplies its occurrence in the world.

I think that there’s a very understandable need to see natural justice. Can that happen without inflicting pain? Yes, I believe so. It’s called consequences. And personally feel that any hatred or spite within oneself can be turned into something more benign also, to multiply healing in the world.

In a nutshell, revenge festers in one. It’s toxic. Lance it therapeutically and purify it.

[This message edited by Edie at 5:55 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

I didn't really do anything intentionally to avenge myself, but my XWW lost a lot of friends (mutual friends didn't approve of her actions and she was a different person).

XWW used to go to school and work an easy part time job, take nice vacations, go out with friends, etc. Now she works full time, gripes about how she is underpaid, never takes vacations, don't think her new baby daddy lets her out of the house much.

Meanwhile, i'm now golfing with coworkers once a week, take my kids to the movies or on daytrips (whenever they don't ditch me to hang with their friends), spend my evenings doing whatever I want, go to the gym a couple of times a week. Only bummer is paying CS for another 6 years, but overall my life is way better.

I don’t think you’re a shitty person for feeling that way...I think the general idea of revenge floats through just about all of our minds, even if it’s not in the form of a RA. I told MOW (voicemail and texts, since she was refusing to answer) on DDay that I was going to destroy her life because she destroyed mine. I followed through with that, to some extent. Her M is over, she had to relocate, get a new job, etc. While I got satisfaction in that, is it really revenge? It’s better than her getting off with no consequences, but doesn’t even come close to the severity of the agony she has caused me and my family. Same for WH; there was an urge to hurt him the way he hurt me, but I know that’s not possible...WH chose to have an A for no reasons that have anything to do with me or the M. He readily admits that the marriage was great, things were great between us, and he was very happy in the M; he says I have always been an amazing wife; our sex life has never been lacking, so it wasn’t about a dead bedroom. He needs constant validation and ego kibbles from outside sources, despite everything I was already providing to him. Me having a RA during this horrible period of limbo could never even touch on the damage that his A had on what was our happy M. It wouldn’t destroy his sense of reality and safety the way his did for me. It wouldn’t destroy a special relationship, because that’s already gone. In addition, a RA makes me as shitty of a person as WH and MOW are, and that’s not just who I am.

That being said, I have told him on numerous occasions that the possibility of us D’ing is very real, and should that happen, someday I will move on and be happy with someone else, and that would be my “revenge”...giving to someone else everything that he took for granted. Living a happy life in a happy relationship free from the stain of infidelity. The thought of that is even more distressing to him than the thought of me having a RA.

RA does not guarantee any respect from the new AP... I was in no way ready for more rejection...being dumped…..used.....that was not a cure for me...

I will live a better life...a happy life...a good life...it might take time...but I respect myself too much for this nightmare...Casual sex sounds great...its not always ended nicely..

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 11:39 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

For having the thoughts - Hell no. I've had them and more. The thoughts can be cathartic. In solidarity I'm thinking of one now

To me it is like having dark revenge thoughts about AP. I have those too. Lots of those...

I don't act on them.

Okay, so I played dirty pool.

Two friends whom I told and I set this whole thing up. Sure, it was a lie. But WH broke down because of it and even though he now knows it was a setup, he understands the pain - to a small degree.

He was still protecting and defending the OW and that it still wasn't an affair, just friends and that the whole thing was a misunderstanding and that he simply had poor boundaries. That I was reading the emails wrong, that sure - it LOOKED like and affair and that yeah, she wanted to sleep with him (at least that was the impression he got), but that nothing else happened, to many things to list here.

Like a million other things in life, WH never understands other people's perspectives until he goes through the same thing. He only learns through his own pain.

Anyway, my married friends and I concocted the scheme. We created a fake person.

I told WH that fine. Since we could now have single, opposite sex friends and go to dinner and movies, etc with them, that I was going out.

He asked me not to. I told him that I was entitled to friends. That I wasn't doing anything wrong - just having a friend. That HE initiated this rule in our marriage and fine. I went.

I went out with my married friends for dinner and drinks.

But hubby? He thought it was a real date. Just me and the 'other guy' because that's what I told him. When I got home, WH had flowers and everything. I said they were nice, thanked him, then went to bed. He kept asking how my time out went. I said it was great! No details. Just the same thing he had given me. The difference? I wasn't out of town with a hotel. And there was no 'date.'

I did this twice more. WH broke down on the third one, worried that I was really into 'S.' Remember, S is fictional.

After that, WH said that he saw how it looked, understood the pain, cried and cried and cried. Said he worried that I'd leave him, that he was horrible for not taking into account how I felt when I had begged HIM not to go out with OW, how I must have felt waiting for him to call 4 hours later, etc., and all the other times he'd refused to stop seeing his 'friend.'

That's when I revealed the setup. He wasn't mad. I think he was relieved. But at least he felt that pain over the course of three weeks.

Of course, WH still swears that he and OW did absolutely NOTHING (not even holding hands) over the course of 11 years, 26 dates over 22 weeks out of town. But he says he 'got what he deserved' and even if I really did date someone, he deserves anything I do from here out and wouldn't blame me one bit if I had a real affair - physical, emotional, both.

Now, I DO notice other men. I look. I don't care that he sees me look. I do have and have had male friends. The difference in the past? I never ever did anything with them that I wouldn't do right in front of WH. I NEVER went out with them. Not once. No secret messages. If I wanted to talk to to them, I had no problem with WH hearing every single word.

Now? I have no problems going out with the one whom lives locally. Shhh! He's gay. But I'm not telling WH that!

This question is for Billtax. I too live in North Carolina and have thought about suing the mistress for alienation of affection. Could you give me more information on how you won your case? What did you need to tell or show the judge in order to win your case? Was it expensive to sue the affair partner? Did you win more than the cost of the lawyer?

My question, OP, is what do you want?

If you want to R, you need to get honest eventually. I understand that your H may not be willing to be honest at this point, but if you wrap yourself up too tightly in games with the motive of getting him to feel bad enough to come clean and R, you might find it hard to get out of the games - and games are dishonest by their nature.

What's keeping you from saying (and meaning), 'Look, for our M to continue, we need to be honest. I need you to recognize you've cheated, etc., etc., etc. If you won't do those things, I'm gone.'

That risks your H choosing to stay dishonest - but it saves you a lot of time and energy you can use in something more enjoyable than spite....

And if you want to D, why not just D? D'ing an living a good life without him is really good revenge.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:49 AM, May 26th (Sunday)]

There is a woman who posted here about being married to a serial cheater. Her H cheated the entire marriage.

She finally got sick of it and had a revenge affair. She was honest and told him. She wasn’t hiding anything.

Her CH was so upset he divorced her. Apparently it was ok for him to cheat for decades - but not ok for his wife to cheat.

So be careful what you wish for - a revenge affair could backfire.