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BrittanyNicole11 (original poster member #70583) posted at 8:34 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2019
You all are right.
I’m done with this.
GrayShades ( member #59967) posted at 8:48 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2019
Hugs Brit. I always hated that we have to be "stronger than we know" but it's the truth. You deserve better than this, and I'm glad you're seeing that.
Me: 50 on Dday
WH: Turned 48 the day before Dday
Dday: 05/16/17 One son, now young adult.
Lp0725 ( member #70272) posted at 8:57 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2019
Trust me, I know it hurts to hear some of the things being said but accepting the reality of the situation will save you a lot of pain and heartache in the long run. The worst thing you can do right now is lie to yourself or act out of fear of losing him. You don't deserve ANY of this! Your marriage is not to blame. This is 100% on him! You deserve a loving, loyal husband who would never humiliate or hurt you this way!
HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 9:12 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2019
BN11, if your goal is to R, you're going to have to get tough with the H.
When you get tough, that is putting boundaries in place, you tell him what he needs to do, where he can go, who he can see and watch his behavior. Remember he is the one who cheated, guilty party has no say. His actions will let you know if he is worthy or R, or if he's just going to play you.
He wants to R, well he'll tell you who the OBS is, and provide you with details so that you can contact him. If he doesn't provide you with those details than that shows you that he is still protecting his AP, and not you or your marriage. That means you cannot R. How do you R with a man that protects his side piece over his wife?
tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 9:31 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2019
I have to agree with the others. You are only fooling yourself if you believe there is no sex.
Use this weekend to make YOUR plans for the future. Make sure you add getting tested to the to do list. This may seem frightening but it really about you taking control back.
Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.
ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 9:58 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2019
You can probably find the OBS pretty quickly if you have the OW's full name. There are all sorts of people finding search apps. Some are minimally priced, and you'd just cancel after your first month. Find him and tell him what you know. There's a possibility he might even find out more than you have once he's alerted.
Yeah.. cheaters get mad about that. As BS's we worry that if the AP's home sitch explodes, there's nothing stopping them from leaving, and you know what?.. that's exactly what happens sometimes. Sometimes they do leave. But the more typical response is that the AP starts working their ass off to keep their own family dynamic intact, and the cheater, who thought it was true schmoopie love, finds out pretty quickly that they're disposable.
Reconciliation is too difficult when you're not certain your WS isn't still with you by default.
BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs); Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 10
emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 10:00 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2019
This man has some SERIOUS gall. It is time for you to take some SERIOUS action.
Blow up his spot. Expose him. Expose her. Inform OBS. Kick his sorry cheating a** out of the house. He has faced no consequences and so he has no reason to change his behavior. I know you have spoken to a lawyer, but go out and speak with a bunch of others in order to conflict them out. File for divorce (you don't have to actually get divorced, you can always change your mind). I know it's not the way you hoped this would play out but he's not exactly leaving you many choices. You do not deserve to be treated this way.
Truly, I don't know how you're dealing with this and still standing. ((BrittanyNicole)) You are stronger than you think you are. I hope your hair appointment goes well and that it gives you the confidence you need to 180 HARD. Its time to buckle up.
Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.
Jduff ( member #41988) posted at 11:14 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2019
Go ahead and file, Brittany. Divorce doesn't finalize over night. It generally takes some weeks, months, a year or more but that is time for your cheating husband to get his head out of his ass and show you if he can or cannot be R material. In the mean time you can start getting your business in order to move forward with or without him. But, he won't even begin to really feel consequences until he gets served, and I do suggest you have it served and you not handing the divorce petition to him. How long does your attorney say it generally takes for uncontested divorce to finalize in your area?
The grass is always greener.... where the dogs are shitting.
-Soundgarden
BrittanyNicole11 (original poster member #70583) posted at 11:58 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2019
Thank you all. Yes I know that it’s not just and EA, I’m not that naive I just wanted to make it clear that I didn’t walk in on them having sex!
Thank you all for your words Of wisdom and advice. You’re all right and I am done with it.
I am disgusted with the thought of my daughter ever being in the care of this person, but I think I just need to swallow my pride and get over that.
I deserve much better ❤️
Marz ( member #60895) posted at 12:02 AM on Saturday, May 25th, 2019
Yes you do. You have value now start using it.
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