SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Posting after reading earlier posts:

If I know your name I can get your cell phone number for free on the internet. I cannot post the site because it is not a mod approved link, but within 30 seconds I can get your addresses and all of your phone numbers for free.

If I were predatory and aggressively making a move on someone, that's how I would have gotten the number.

If your facebook profile is hidden with the middle name tactic, I have a list of family members there on the site I can search for and find your facebook and message you. It's really easy.

Because of identity theft and other criminal reasons you should try to get your personal information off of these data aggregators, but yeah it doesn't help that people can also use them for this type of behavior. It will help pull you further onto an island to prevent someone getting back in touch with you or your spouse "to reconnect".

[This message edited by ugca36 at 11:23 AM, June 20th (Thursday)]

Do you have access to the account (I assume you do since it is a personal cell and you are being transparent) Check to be sure that us the only messages that came from her.

Just sounded so much like what my WH was doing but deleting the sexting they were doing in between. But showing me some that were what he thought Ok, but didn't realize that I was smarter than that. He was 'proving it was just friends' but really deleting the more than friends messages. All the time pulling the wool over my eyes.

This sounds like there is more too it.

Why would it 'make her day' when he sees her everyday at work and he was at work on a day off.... this to me smells fishy, there is more to this....

Did he take her something that 'made her day'? So because he visited the building on his day off it 'made her day'? He must 'make her day' everyday by just going to work??? then this is worse than you know.

I smell something fishy here, check the account if there are more, recover the deleted messages.

He should've just texted back, "That's weird. I'm sorry that your life is so lame that seeing an older MARRIED coworker 'made your day.'"

Perfect!

Your suspicions are very likely spot on. My wh had the m/cow attend his grandmas funeral (she was a terribly cruel person btw) and the whole funeral I couldn’t understand why this mousy ugly older than me hag was staring at me. Yup, she was the one, and I sensed it immediately. But of course, she was married and ugly, and I was in turn called dramatic and insane. Nice.

She’s not a threat to your marriage, your husband is. So I wouldn’t reach out to her or respond on your end. He should ignore the texts and if she says anything, he can say “was it a work related message? I didn’t see one that was.” She will scurry off.

Thanks everyone for the feedback.

H did talk with her today and just said he would be really upset if he saw a text like that to me from another man and reminded her that the reason everyone has each other’s numbers are for work purposes only. She said she understood and apologized, she did not admit anything, that is ok we both know her game.

Now she has been blocked on social media even though we aren’t using our accounts.

I have also set up her name and number on our phone bill so I’ll be able to easily see if it continues.

This incident has been good for us. We have upped our communication even more. We talked tonight about boundaries and what we share with people about our lives and families. We talked about my fears of her slowly tearing me down to him and him feeding into it and it resulting in something more.

I have made it completely clear that if anything were to happen again either EA or PA I’m gone along with the kids. This is his last and final chance. We’ve had some big discussions this week and we continue moving forward and hopefully this issue is dead moving forward.

[This message edited by Terrain at 7:25 AM, June 21st (Friday)]

Good on all accounts Terrain

Glad you got it resolved.

I want to address one thing.

my wife would hate to see these texts.

I think saying something like this is a bad idea. It makes it seem that the wife is crazy jealous. It could be interpreted as him being interested as long as they can keep from the wife. H should take responsibility.

My two cents: I think it's fine when a guy says, "My wife doesn't like it when . . . " because it loudly shows "I care about my wife's feelings," and he can still have a pleasant working relationship with his coworker. It works like a charm, in my experience (in the reverse, too).

Some years ago, I went to a strip-club…

Not because I wanted to but because my wife asked me to. Her alcoholic single brother was in town and wanted a night out. In the past he had gone to these establishment and more often than not left without his wallet or a single dime on his body. So, he and my wife had an agreement: He only carried cash, I kept the cash and I would go with him.

My wife didn’t really understand his need to go there (nor do I to be honest) and strip-clubs are contrary to what she and I agree on as good for our marriage. But in this case her love for her brother AND HER TRUST IN ME made this an acceptable compromise.

I went. Sat at the bar with an extravagantly expensive beer. Turned down many offers for a private dance (or more…) but talked to the girls just like you might talk to someone sitting beside you on a park-bench. OK – so I guess nobody will sit next to you topless and covered in glimmer, but I talked to the person, not the appearance. BIL got hammered, kept getting his cash from me, disappeared into a backroom… and eventually agreed to come home. It wasn’t the worst experience of the year and yes, I did watch and appreciate some of the views. But honestly – I was glad to get home and glad that my BIL eventually sobered up and got engaged. No more strip-clubs for Bigger please!

A marriage is not threatened by the assaults on its borders. Its threatened when the borders aren’t clear and when the fences along the borders aren’t good and aren’t maintained. No spouse accidentally enters an affair. It’s always a decision – ALWAYS.

I don’t have any issue with my wife having male-colleagues as friends on social media or in her phone. I have the work, home and mobile numbers of dozens of colleagues. I ask some that I work closely with about personal issues: How’s your son doing in recovery? How’s your mom’s health? I recently asked a close female colleague about a messy divorce she’s going through, she talked to me for nearly an hour and obviously needed an outlet. Showing interest and concern is not crossing any border.

I think the positives are that he shared. He did everything right. Maybe she was fishing, maybe it’s just the way a younger generation communicates. I personally don’t see immediately see a young woman coveting your husband and your role. But maybe she does…

Maybe you two should discuss how you can send clear messages to those that probe or touch your borders. Sometimes that response is simply ignoring the poke.

[This message edited by Bigger at 7:54 AM, June 21st (Friday)]

Glad you got it resolved.

I want to address one thing.

my wife would hate to see these texts.

I think saying something like this is a bad idea. It makes it seem that the wife is crazy jealous. It could be interpreted as him being interested as long as they can keep from the wife. H should take responsibility.

My two cents: I think it's fine when a guy says, "My wife doesn't like it when . . . " because it loudly shows "I care about my wife's feelings," and he can still have a pleasant working relationship with his coworker. It works like a charm, in my experience (in the reverse, too).

I get what you're both saying, but I agree with coco more in this instance. There's a very fine line between mentioning you're married/have a wife, and it can either come across as "I'm married, and I am not interested," or "I'm married, and my wife would not appreciate these texts."

If you put the onus on your wife, then it almost comes across as a challenge, or it's implied that you're fine with it, but she wouldn't be.

If you put the onus on your wife, then it almost comes across as a challenge, or it's implied that you're fine with it, but she wouldn't be.

Exactly. The intent may be to express that you value your spouse's opinion and your marriage, but that may not be the message received. It's kind of a weak refusal, like saying you are busy that night instead of just saying you are not interested.

"If my wife saw those tests..." > "well, then, we'll just make sure she doesn't see them."

I'm so happy about this outcome! Great update Terrain!

This incident has been good for us. We have upped our communication even more. We talked tonight about boundaries and what we share with people about our lives and families. We talked about my fears of her slowly tearing me down to him and him feeding into it and it resulting in something more.

Yay! These are the types of positive steps that remind you that R is working, and that you're progressing and building a better relationship. I hope you and your husband are able to celebrate this together.

A marriage is not threatened by the assaults on its borders. Its threatened when the borders aren’t clear and when the fences along the borders aren’t good and aren’t maintained. No spouse accidentally enters an affair. It’s always a decision – ALWAYS.

What a great quote. I agree entirely.