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Pre-dday, my WH thought kind of like you. He was very selfish in bed. Thankfully I don’t need a ton of bells and whistles to get off, but I would say 65% of the time he would come and I would not. After dday, that didn’t work for me anymore. He realized he was shitty to be like that too. He was just a selfish person in all aspects in life prior to dday. Now, he is not and I enjoy his company in all ways a lot more.

Each for their own.

>>>>Who is responsible for a female orgasm? <<<<

That depends.

1) If she is alone then blaming someone else if she is dissatisfied might viewed as somewhat self-defeating.

2) If she is with another woman? One of them could claim that the other was entirely responsible for her own orgasm. You would think it would be more effective to collaborate but how would I know?

3) If she is with a man? He could claim that she was entirely responsible. She could claim that he was entirely responsible. In a more collaborative approach, she could explain what might be most effective and he could oblige. And vice versa. If for some reason she is unsure what is most effective, she could back up and try 1) (see above) or possibly 2).

[This message edited by Hephaestus2 at 8:52 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

I think sex should be about both people enjoying the giving and receiving. When my wh doesn’t bother trying to give me an orgasm, I’m usually unsatisfied with the experience.

I don’t always orgasm internally but almost always externally. If he just goes ahead and goes for his own orgasm then I do t have one usually. It does feel to me like he is being selfish when this happens. Thankfully it is rare.

My sisters husband doesn’t know how to give her one and she gets frustrated so after he is done she has to get herself to organs every time. It has caused marital issues. She feels like he doesn’t care about making sure she is satisfied as long as he is.

Just to further explain. I do care about her satisfaction. This has been the topic of many debates. She has always responded “stop talking about it. I don’t need anymore pressure on me”. However, it’s me that always felt bad that she didn’t get there. She is not open or vulnerable when it comes to sex. However, I’ve began to change my thinking to myself. Why should I continue to feel bad about this? To me, if she’s unable to help herself first, that’s an issue. If it’s unimportant to her it has become unimportant to me. I don’t want it to be this way, but what else can I do for her?

Honestly, if she doesn't want to discuss it then there is nothing you can do and you should stop beating yourself up about it. Its on her if she isn't willing to discuss it with you.

One of the very few perks of the infidelity program is the openness with which we talk about sex now. We never had this kind of frankness prior to his A, but that kicked the door wide open for me and my ability to discuss things that would have made us both cringe before. I am also not afraid to ask for what I need, take what I need or simply say it's not happening for me today, maybe next time. Likewise, I've gotten pretty curious about what makes us both tick in bed, and it's about time.

I have a lot of emotional baggage that interferes with my ability to be in the moment, which orgasm requires, so I do miss out a bit. But, thanks to a trip to the adult store and an overly helpful sales girl, I have found a few new toys that can help get me there more easily, with our without his help. I am not shy anymore. I want back every bit of satisfaction I didn't get in the last decade and then some. If it requires a usb charger or batteries, so be it.

To answer your question, I think in a healthy relationship you talk to each other about it, and make sure you both end up satisfied. If I was the only one with the happy ending, or if he frequently couldn't or didn't finish, it would start to feel weird and that would get in my head and mess things up. At least you care enough to ask the question, and are still trying to have a satisfying sex life. Good luck!

I don’t always orgasm internally but almost always externally.

Uh-oh! You've opened a whole new can of worms there deephurt!

Just to further explain. I do care about her satisfaction. This has been the topic of many debates. She has always responded “stop talking about it. I don’t need anymore pressure on me”. However, it’s me that always felt bad that she didn’t get there. She is not open or vulnerable when it comes to sex. However, I’ve began to change my thinking to myself. Why should I continue to feel bad about this? To me, if she’s unable to help herself first, that’s an issue. If it’s unimportant to her it has become unimportant to me. I don’t want it to be this way, but what else can I do for her?

Ah, I think this is a common issue for couples especially if one has a greater sex drive than the other.

It can be pressure for us to feel we need to orgasm in order for you to feel satisfied with the encounter. I feel my H needs that too. Once in a while I will just say "let's do you" so that I don't have to feel that pressure. Often, that ends up being relaxing and I have one anyway. So, I would just say maybe don't make it paramount, but at the same time, it can't be that way all or most of the time either because the goal is to have a mutually satisfying situation or it's hollow. I would probably stop seeing it as goal oriented that it's the measure of whether she enjoys sex or not. I have had really awesome sex without the big ending. I would probably take it back down to, "let's just have fun and explore each other and play and whatever happens happens". When you make it that way, we are not in our head thinking "I need to get there right now, right now right now" which kills the whole effect of what is happening. Lovemaking is love making it's not just about the climax. I read a recent article about how naked cuddling has been shown to help produce endorphins and bonding of a couple, just by having the skin to skin contact. We are so conditioned that passion has to look a certain way, and if you think about that it's a very narrow view on sex. Take the pressure off, but still be concerned she has pleasure - just don't put stipulations on said pleasure and what it must mean.

I honestly think this is a big gender difference, and a very common issue among couples. The more dissatisfied you seem with her performance the more up in her head she is going to be about you not enjoying it because she's not doing x,y, z. If you make that change mentally, it may help her feel free to enjoy the experience more and may actually result in more grand finales.

I assume that married couples have a pretty good handle on what works for their partner. If one won't talk about or guide the other, there's not much the other can do. I can totally understand why this would be unsatisfactory to the partner who wants to get it done.

What do you do? At that point, I guess you just have to let it go.