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I don’t know where to put this. Not infidelity related, so even though it’s hard, put infidelity aside.

Who is responsible for a female orgasm? I say “female”, because it’s usually not a problem for men. Is it the woman who’s responsible? Like if she doesn’t have one, it’s on her for not doing or taking what she needs? I’ve always put the pressure on myself for my wife to get there. Now I think, “honey, it’s on you”. You know your body and you know what you need to get there. I used to be disappointed if she didn’t get there. Lately, I feel like, your loss, maybe next time.

I’m not selfish by any means and I last so much longer on the lexapro. What else can I do but stop taking blame on myself if she doesn’t get there? Does this make sense? Am I wrong?

I should also mention that she doesn’t communicate her likes and dislikes, even though I do. I also put that responsibility on her now. This is life and you need to take what you need. It that so wrong? I’d enjoy it more if I felt she did as well. She says she does even though her orgasms are few and far between. Maybe that’s true but I no longer want to feel bad about it.

Interesting. Huh. My husband. Is that selfish ? Of course he does know what I like. I participate in his and he in mine is the way I guess I would put it. But if he leaves me hanging there will be hell to pay but that part is affair related. I think you both have to be invested to have a healthy happy relationship.

[This message edited by Thanksgiving2016 at 9:50 PM, June 24th (Monday)]

For me it takes two.

Foreplay for a woman starts long before you get naked. It's small touches, smiles and love language.

My WH became selfish in the bedroom in the lead up to his affair and all foreplay went and I felt like fleshlight, a disposable sex toy. My orgasms stopped. Then I spiraled into depression.

Sex is a connection in a relationship, it's a form of communication.

In saying all that there are women who have never really been able to orgasum. There are 6 different types of orgasms for women some research suggests 12.

If you are in IC maybe this something you can bring up with them.

You sound very selfish in your post.

Making Love with your wife should be about sharing pleasure. GIVING as well as recieving.

I would expect this type of post from someone who has not mentally matured.

Perhaps you should seek IC and discuss this.

It's a two way street. If you care about her, you should want to make her feel good. Is it possible you're somewhat in limbo?

I read back on your old threads and saw that there was disgruntlement about a short period of HB followed by months of no sex... not to come across poorly, but perhaps you're punishing her (un)intentionally?

You sound very selfish in your post.

I don’t mean to sound that way. I’m not selfish in the bedroom at all. I remember back in the day my wife used to tell me this.

I’m in IC and have been for almost a year. This exact topic has not come up.

I actually think I was selfish to myself by taking on this burden. If there is one thing I’ve learned in IC is that we are all responsible for our own happiness. Does that not apply to the bedroom also?

Oh man, I have no idea who is “responsible”, but I would say both! For me; I take a huge amount of pleasure from getting my lady there, probably more than getting there myself. Making her feel good is what makes me feel good.

It seems like you’re letting her take responsibility for helping you with yours but you’re leaving hers up to her? Each to their own but maybe you could take some of that responsibility?

If the situation was flipped, and she regularly got off before you and ended sex without you orgasming, would you be okay with it?

Personally I wouldn’t continue to have an interest in sex with a partner if there was an ongoing issue with them leaving me hanging and not working to fix things so it would be more mutually pleasurable.

Have you considered seeing a sex therapist together?

I did not think you came across as selfish at all. As a BS, you are saying, "I've busted my ass to care about you and your needs, and look at where it got me. It's on you to do some work now."

Absolutely fair.

Why would her own orgasms not be her total or partial responsibility, particularly after an A?

I’d enjoy it more if I felt she did as well. She says she does even though her orgasms are few and far between. Maybe that’s true but I no longer want to feel bad about it.

It sounds to me like you resent being made responsible for her orgasms, but also that that resentment is self-imposed. She says she is enjoying sex even if her orgasms aren't frequent. Is the problem really that you are bothered by her not orgasming because it makes you feel inadequate? Do you feel she should be taking steps to rectify this situation for your benefit rather than her own?

It’s a combination of things. It takes two. She has to be open for it and he has to know how to help it along. The mind has a lot to do with it.

First off, I appreciate everyone’s input and POV. Second, to be clear, we are both MH’s.

Is the problem really that you are bothered by her not orgasming because it makes you feel inadequate? Do you feel she should be taking steps to rectify this situation for your benefit rather than her own?

No, I don’t feel inadequate. I’ve always been pretty confident in that area. As far as taking steps, I suppose if she was unhappy with something I was doing or not doing, I’d want and expect her to communicate it so I could focus on that particular thing more. Lately, and through counseling, I’ve adopted more of an independent POV. Like I look out for myself first now.

The way I describe it is like this...The squeaky wheel gets the grease. I hear her wheel squeaking but I don’t know which wheel it is. Apparently, she doesn’t hear any squeaky wheel. So instead of pulling the car over to fix what I don’t know is wrong, I keep driving down the road. If driving makes me happy, I’ll just keep driving. If she ever hears the squeaky wheel and asks me to pull over to take a look, I’d certainly do that.

If my spouse said my orgasms were my own responsibility and his pleasure came first, that would be pretty much the end of sex for me. Just saying, that's really selfish. Women can't just "take" what they need, they have to have a partner that is invested in their pleasure, and takes enjoyment from their pleasure.

Got it. I think as long as she knows you're open to checking that wheel at any time, then it seems reasonable to expect her to let you know if she starts hearing the squeak.

My BH says that when we have sex, his focus shifts between him, me and us. We communicate openly to determine if either of us is really feeling a strong need to orgasm or if we're both fine with fun and connection and seeing where things lead. I love when he focuses on my pleasure, but there are times when I'm more tired or hormonal or just don't feel like orgasm is in the cards for me. We also have a bit of a disconnect in that he's very much a morning person where sex is concerned, and I am not. So there's a lot of give and take depending on the circumstances. I would absolutely feel neglected if he never seemed to make an effort to get me there, but I'd also feel pressured if he was unhappy that my body wasn't cooperating with his agenda.

I think it's not necessarily true that orgasm is easier for men. Since d-day 2, BH has had more difficulty getting there than me. I definitely try to make sure his needs are met, but there are still mind movies that can kill the mood. I'm trying to up my game, but there are times when it's just not right for him to keep going. I have to accept that that's just one more aspect of the gift that keeps on giving.

In a mutually loving and respecting relationship, the experience should be maximized by both partners and for both partners. That it is an act of love.

If my husband started talking to me about squeaky wheels, he’d be responsible for his own orgasms. From the guest bedroom.

It sounds like to me that you are more frustrated that she expects you to figure it out. She doesn’t communicate. And my guess is that is a issue outside the bedroom.

I do think as a wayward it’s sometimes part of a bigger problem. One of my biggest wayward behaviors was about not taking responsibility for my own happiness and then holding resentment about it.

Is this just about sex? I personally think it’s selfish of her if she is expecting you to conduct the entire session with very little feedback or active participation.

I hear her wheel squeaking but I don’t know which wheel it is. Apparently, she doesn’t hear any squeaky wheel.

This makes me think of the martyr/people pleaser/passive aggressive. Is she passive aggressive in other areas?

I can always tell when something is bothering my fch. I could feel the negative energy coming from him. He used to deny it at all cost. I finally quit trying to figure it out. I would tell him to either tell me the problem or get over it, and then just go about my business.

As to your question, I think iest's both partner's responsibility. Unfortunately (maybe?) for men, it isually takes longer and more work for a woman to orgasm. If it matters to you, you have to work at it?

What would expect her to do to take care of herself? Masturbate afterward?

Not infidelity related, so even though it’s hard, put infidelity aside.

Who is responsible for a female orgasm?

I think it's pretty much impossible to put infidelity aside, because it totally changes the dynamics of a relationship, especially when it comes to sex.

What else can I do but stop taking blame on myself if she doesn’t get there? Does this make sense? Am I wrong?

I should also mention that she doesn’t communicate her likes and dislikes, even though I do. I also put that responsibility on her now. This is life and you need to take what you need. It that so wrong? I’d enjoy it more if I felt she did as well. She says she does even though her orgasms are few and far between. Maybe that’s true but I no longer want to feel bad about it.

I think, ultimately, male or female, everyone is responsible for their own orgasm, because even the best partner isn't a mind reader, and you know how your body works better than anyone else ever will. However, it should be a collaborative effort. I think some of the best sex I've ever had is when both me and my partner are focusing on giving each other pleasure, without an "orgasm goal" in mind.

I know how to give my WH a BJ that will get him off quickly, but sometimes it's more fun to keep getting him close, then stopping and doing something else, then getting him close, then stopping and doing something else... And my WH loves going down on me, but even though he's very good at it, and I can orgasm that way easily, sometimes it's like, "hey buddy, I have other body parts, too!" (Instead of saying that though, I usually just ask him to lick/suck/stroke another part of my body.)

I don't always orgasm, but that doesn't mean I'm not enjoying sex, and I'm okay with that. Sometimes I'm really tired or preoccupied so we have lazy sex and I don't feel like putting in the effort to orgasm, and even if my WH offers, I'm fine with it.

Post-A, I would say I've become much more selfish in bed. We still have good sex, but I don't feel like giving my WH long, teasing BJs, just because I like making him feeling good. That gives me too much time to think about him and his AP and I'm finally getting to a point where I don't regularly need to stop having sex to cry.

These days, I basically need to be on top and focus solely on my orgasm, because his AP was a really large woman and (according to him) was never on top, so that's pretty much the only position these days that's safe from mind movies.

But anyways, trying to remove infidelity from the equation, I still think it's a collaborative effort. If your wife wants to orgasm, she should communicate, verbally, with you what she would like for you to do to help get her there -- go down on me, let me get on top, lick this, suck that -- or if you're on top or behind her, use her fingers to rub her clit (or however she would get off) to achieve an orgasm.

I don't think any person should expect their partner to be a mind reader though, and just assume that they should know that they need oral or a certain position or help from a vibrator, or whatever. We're all adults here! There should be zero shame in asking for verbalizing your wants and needs in bed with your spouse.

I say “female”, because it’s usually not a problem for men.

Try being a guy on anti-depressants.

To directly answer your question, I think that responsibility is shared by partners, independent of gender (let's not forget our gay and lesbian and bisexual friends either). Communication is important. Setting aside insecurities is important. Accepting your limitations and those of your partner is important.

It takes two. And every time can be different depending on what's feeling at the moment.

BUT - for me [and WH] ...

If I focus on the finishline I forget to enjoy the journey and sometimes don't cross.

When I just let it ride [pun intended] and enjoy the journey and scenery ... I cross the finish line with fireworks.