SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sadly she is blaming you for everything and not taking any responsibility for her role in this mess.

Typical cheater behavior I might add.

At some point (and I lived through this exact situation so I’m only speaking from my experience) you have to stop “discussing”! this with her.

I believed my H when he told me his Affair occurred because of me. Huh!! Seriously - he told me I only married him to spite my parents. Yes after 25 years that is what I had to hear from him. BTW he said it to justify his poor choices and “reason” for the Affair.

Your marriage is 50-50. A partnership. It is not your job to make your wife happy. It is not your job to be able to read her mind if she’s unhappy but doesn’t tell you.

Please - at some point - stop letting her point the finger at you.

When she starts that nonsense stop her and let her know no matter what was wrong - she chose to cheat instead of addressing any issues or communicating with you.

Continue to stop her rant about blaming you. Walk out of the room if you have to. But please please please stop letting her control the narrative.

The day I told my H (six months into reconciliation) that he cannot tell me how I felt about things and that “we” were disconnected- he realized he was not taking full responsibility for his Affair. And he stopped.

I love how the cheater is so brave to have the Affair BUT gets angry when the BS informs the OBS. Hahahaha

I hope this helps you.

Isles,

I am so sorry you are here. We all know too well the pain that you are in now. All I can offer you is advice from my own experience and the knowledge that I have gained through this website.

While I know you love her immensely, you deserve more out of a relationship than what you are currently receiving. Your wife is involved in a full-blown affair and refuses to even admit that to you. My husband admitted it, but continued the affair behind my back, while constantly lying to me. I too loved him, and I would have done anything to save my marriage. I have three kids and 18 years of marriage...but none of that mattered to him. I took him back 3 times, after I discovered they were still in contact. After the 4th, I realized I was only torturing myself and postponing the inevitable. It seems your WW is very similar. She wants to continue this relationship regardless of how it hurts you. That isn’t fair, and as I said before, you deserve more.

I know the pain you are, the torture you feel. But one thing I can tell you, when I finally put my foot down and said no more, I felt a peace. I didn’t have to be a detective anymore. I didn’t have to constantly think and worry about who he was talking to and where he was. There was immense freedom in that action. Good luck to you, Isles! And big hugs:)

At the moment I have no idea what I’m getting over all I know is I love her dearly though my reactions and upset have lead me to say things I don’t mean, this has made her question how I feel about her.

you may be in shock or in disbelief. To me above statement is not logical. Every relationship is different regarding codependency. However taking concrete actions (or at least pretending) will make her come to her senses about her responsibility for her actions. On the other hand if this is kind of an exit strategy for her what is the point of loving so strongly someone who does not care about you?

Draw up divorce papers and get the contact info for a reputable polygraph examiner...then show them to her in the context of she passes the polygraph or gets divorced, no third option.

I’m pretty sure she will squirm.

She is gaslighting you to protect herself. She can’t admit the truth to move forward because to do so means she would have to deal with her own betrayal and guilt. It’s easier to attack you and put you on the defensive so you stop asking questions. She doesn’t tell the truth so you can move forward because she does not want to do it. She has checked out of your M. Always value yourself. You deserve a spouse who loves you and is committed to you. She is not showing that she is committed to your M. Please see an attorney and have her served. You know enough. Always value yourself. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 11:45 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

I really appreciate the comments here, helping loads.

She is still saying is dead and no more communication is happening.

She even knew I posted here yesterday and has today seen my post and mocked me and made fun of it. I’m absolutely gutted the person in front of me has been so cruel with out a care in the world for me and our little girls,

not just the A but the after fall out has since been absolutely devastating I just can’t see how I’d ever recover from this, I think the actions after have almost been worse the the A

[This message edited by isles at 10:24 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

I feel for you and totally understand what you are feeling. I have seen this pattern in my first marriage with 3 children and you just need to get away from it regardless of the children as it becomes toxic. Please can you also ask yourself these vital questions when it comes to working out how you truly feel. Have you yourself ever had an affair ? or anything similar ? Do you want and need a lot more from your relationship ? and if so, then it’s clearly not a relationship worth fighting for. Trust is also key and is the fundamental base for love.

Given what you have said has happened, it really is not worth anymore pain and I’m pondering why your still holding on. Don’t you want the person you love to treat you the same as you treat them. I’ve since found the love of my life since breaking from a similar situation although it was hard at the time it’s so much better to break free from a relationship with no trust. Your trust has gone.

The facts are all there, why not just admit to the truth and find away forward.

Isles, the truth is really the just a SMALL piece of a much larger issue. Sure, the imagination can stop running wild with the truth, but how does that even compare to

She even knew I posted here yesterday and has today seen my post and mocked me and made fun of it. I’m absolutely gutted the person in front of me has been so cruel with out a care in the world for me and our little girls,

???

There is no moving forward, at least with your wife, if she treats you this way. And until you stand up for what is right, and demand to be treated with respect, then you will sit in this pool of pain. It has been told to you several times here that you can't control her. This is fact. But you need to get control of yourself. You need to get out of this state of denial, and work towards your recovery.

Spoiler alert: She is not going to be one to help in your recovery. Not when she is like this.

She even knew I posted here yesterday and has today seen my post and mocked me and made fun of it.

She's doing that to discourage you from posting here. You are learning a lot from this wonderful group of people who have been through a similar experience. She is threatened by that knowledge and realizes that the more you learn here the less control she will have over the situation.

has she been like this, a narcissist, all the time. The POS may be feeding her ego, once push come to shove he would disappear as many sex seeking men do. also get tested, men like these has been to all shady places.

Keep your head up and do your things like your job even better. That is sexy. In her current demeaning attitude she is a burden to you progress and well being. You may not see it now but you will realize it later

[This message edited by goalong at 11:34 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

As I’ve said this really matches the affair I had to deal with in my first marriage. You really need to be brave and move on to a better life. Trust me it happens and when it does your regret all the time you have wasted. My children have two happy homes now and I wish I made my move sooner. The fact that she mocked you on this forum says all you need to know.

John Gottman writes of the four horsemen of the marriage apocalypse - the most devastating one is CONTEMPT.

Your wife has it in spades if she can watch her husband suffer over her cheating and then mock him.

This woman is not recovery material at the moment and needs to be met with legal documents asap.

She sees you as weak. You may even feel weak. But you need to have enough self respect to not be a doormat for a woman in an ongoing relationship with another man.

She also tells me I should hope that the OBS and her husband work it

Is this her way of threatening you? Is she saying that if they split up she will leave for him? Please if this is true leave this woman now! Do not for a minute stay with her under this kind of threat.

Mrs Isles - Since you seem to be reading this thread. Is it in you at all to stop being so cruel to this man?

You are going through so much disrespect. I will be honest, I would have to tell her that because she is clearly cheating and showing so much disrespect and being so cruel and heartless, then I will have to consider to end the marriage. She care more about APs marriage than her own. No debate or discussion. Just leave the room and do a hard 180.

She’s still in denial sadly. We had a long chat last night which ended up along the lines of me being blamed for telling lies about contact with the OBS. She also tells me I should hope that the OBS and her husband work it though as I have given the OBS so much doubt about my WW something which I’ve not, I just laid down the facts I had.

If she shared the truth it would have helped us both, first contact why so many calls, why get dropped off so far from our home. The facts are all there, why not just admit to the truth and find away forward. At the moment I have no idea what I’m getting over all I know is I love her dearly though my reactions and upset have lead me to say things I don’t mean, this has made her question how I feel about her.

Nope, you're the one in denial. You know deep down what the truth is. Your lack of actions tell her she can do as she pleases.

Meanwhile you are waiting for her to "get it" when you are the one that's not "getting it".

Talk will accomplish nothing here.

[This message edited by Marz at 1:25 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

She even knew I posted here yesterday and has today seen my post and mocked me and made fun of it. I’m absolutely gutted the person in front of me has been so cruel with out a care in the world for me and our little girls,

not just the A but the after fall out has since been absolutely devastating I just can’t see how I’d ever recover from this, I think the actions after have almost been worse the the A

She has zero respect for you. Why should she? You've given her total control.

You're hurt, devastated, etc? Try being pissed off for a change. It's a lot better than being pissed on.

Firstly thank you all. This forum and website has helped me.

DDay two today.

After reading this forum i was still kidding myself that I could make my marriage work. But I knew something was off the guarded phone and the lack of any transparency.

I bugged my her car with a mobile phone that tracked the car, not only did it track the car I was able to activate auto answer. So today as I saw the car move guess what.... I called my hidden phone. I could hear her speaking to her AP.

Even now she’s still denying it, I heard him answer his phone! Two calls I heard and she’s still denying it!

It’s over and well and truly finished by why still

Lie!

Good tip above the I phone with the auto answer

😉

[This message edited by isles at 7:00 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

Sorry you had to find this, but it is better than no5 knowing. Stay firm and move forward with D ASAP. She has treated you horribly. She may be amenable to a quick D with terms in your favor, so d9 not hesitate. Good luck.

Did you let the OBS know?

There is a huge degree of submission a wayward must have towards the betrayed.....your old lady has shown such disrespect after the confrontation that it tells enough of the story to know your old lady is history.

She has already been busted and she knows the score, yet she took the risk to disrespect you knowing you were on to her and watching.....she went for it anyway!

She just told you through her actions what she was to afraid to tell you in person.

Sorry man, good luck on the next chick.

Even now she’s still denying it, I heard him answer his phone! Two calls I heard and she’s still denying it!

It’s over and well and truly finished by why still

Lie!

She lies because it's worked well for her in the past.

Reflect back. You find out she lies. It helps keep you inline. In the meantime she keeps doing what she's been doing. While you live on hopium thinking you alone with a remourseless wayward wife neck deep in her physical affair can save the marriage.

I hope you wake up to reality now.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:17 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]