SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Mine too. The whole marriage? I dont really know. I know he cheated with a prostitute when my kids were small. I thought we made it past that...and was totally sideswiped by the revelation it was more prostitutes for a few years past back in March.

Ive had enough revelations, I’m leaving his disgusting ass.

Leave. Nothing is worth this. Let him drown in his disgusting proclivities.

Warmest thanks for everyone's kind and insightful messages overnight; as said I'm in th UK so am only just picking them up

I definitely need a counsellor, and while there's an "initial assessment" with one booked for January 12th, I'm trying to get something earlier to save going mad in the meantime. This is why I was hoping for some signposting from the police "crime care" people, but they've not been in touch yet and will need chasing (except he shows no sign of doing it)

The problem, of course, is that even mentioning this just isn't welcome; he really wants the whole thing swept under the carpet and forgotten about again which simply can't happen, so his temper's starting to fray already and the "well, you know about it now so there's nothing more to be said" attitude's starting to come out

As said, I wouldn't be here at all if I had anyone - literally anyone else at all - to support me, but there isn't so I'm plowing on alone for now and just trying to do the best I can

Sorry, forgot to answer the question about whether the blackmail had stopped

The hooker concerned has continued to text and attempt to call, but it's starting to drop off now since I have custody of his phone. It's also this week that the police said they'd bring her in for questioning, so maybe that will persuade her that continuing isn't a good idea.

He did answer one call (on speakerphone at my insistence) which is how the 18 year "hooker use" came out. Except that was with HER, and there'd been countless others before and since. Oh, plus £1000 he gave her for an alleged abortion along with the rest of the money. He clearly thinks he deserves praise for having admitted all this, so it's just too bad it had to be dragged out piece by piece - and even now I suspect I don't know the half of it

I am not a good candidate to give you advice in this instance but I can give you some advice to get back some of your power.

First, go have another full STD Profile and make him go with you. Show him how embarrassed you to have to do this AGAIN. It might make an impact and it might not BUT make sure you tell the Doc why and who's fault it is you are there. Make him take the full blame for this.

Second, pull all your financials and go over them with a fine tooth comb. You can also get a forensic accountant to help you. Then you know how much of the marital money he wasted. Show it to him then (or take it to a lawyer and not show him). Not sure the laws where you are at but that brings me to the next point. Pull both credit history too.

Go see an attorney - find out what your options are for your area. In the states, there are states that allow you to sue the APs & places that under these circumstances you do not have to wait a year to divorce.

You may also want to look into separating your finances - get you a bank account that is separate from his - along with getting credit cards/credit in your name only. Protect yourself financially.

Finally, take care of yourself - and this is probably the most important item. Drink plenty of H20 so you stay hydrated. Eat Healthy bc this is a stressful situation - make sure you get in enough healthy calories so you don't get sick. Exercise, take long walks or go dancing - do something to keep your body and mind engaged. Find a new hobby that requires concentration - it helps with the mind movies and OMG moments. If you have a pet, spend time with it - if you don't, consider getting one. Find a good IC (Individual counselor) and start attending. Even if you don't know if you are staying or divorcing tell him one of your requirements for staying is he has to find a Sex Addict counselor, good chance he is a SA.

When you are ready, then you can decide if you want to stay or if you want to be alone. You alone can make that determination - and no one will judge you for your decision.

If you decide to stay - then you determine what your boundaries are and what you will do if he crosses that line.

Huge Hugs sweetie. Stay tuned, others will be online soon and will be able to help more.

he really wants the whole thing swept under the carpet and forgotten about again which simply can't happen, so his temper's starting to fray already and the "well, you know about it now so there's nothing more to be said" attitude's starting to come out

Wow, the audacity. He's committed over 40 years of adultery and TRAUMA and he thinks he can tell you what you have to say about it? Winner. It's time to throw that one to the curb - with the hookers standing there.

Do a hard 180 on him. Yes - and make him go with you when you get tested to make sure it is known why you are there and that he exposed you to STDs by using prostitutes. Don't tell him you are going to say it until you get there. Once you are there - make sure he hears you tell them what he has exposed you to. He needs to feel that shame.

Do NOT rug sweep this. Detach now. He is not a safe partner.

All the advice above is excellent, starting in order of priority with:

1. self care (mental-physical health) including finding a good counsellor, and getting thorough medical testing

2. doing a complete, written financial review with documentation (even if you never delved into that, because you trusted him to handle it) and

3. getting immediate legal assistance to defend your marital rights.

Ignore any objections which he will raise about any of the above, and act to take some of the power back which you ceded to him in trust. He squandered all that!

I know well the feeling of having nobody to support you when you have had your reality taken away suddenly like this, and I know it is a lot to organise on short notice, and yet you must be your own best friend, above all! It is difficult when you assumed he was you best friend and supporter, and then discover he is not.

For starters, I suggest doing some internet searching to locate women's support groups in the UK and contact them, even if their website states they serve victims of domestic violence, because they ought to include outreach to all victims of domestic abuse, and your "husband's" behavior meets the very definition of abuse! Tell them you are struggling to cope due to his actions. I am sure they will have referral resources specific to your area, and many of those resources may be made available to you without cost.

A tip on the financial summary you will want to have, if you don't already control the financial records, is to assemble as much information as possible before even notifying him that you are doing this. You will want all financial account numbers and balances written down somewhere you control. If you have a copy machine, you may make copies of the summary sheets for insurance policies, bank accounts, any retirement accounts, etc., but at least, write those nunbers down on paper "before the statements disappear." And them put them in a safe place he cannot access.

This is all a necessary part of taking control of your life back from an abusive spouse; remember too, you would have automatically been required to keep track of all this if you had been single, anyway. Your best window of opportunity to do this, ironically, is right now, when you least feel up to it, because right now is when he is least likely to think you will divorce him, after you "Just Found Out." Warning: his cooperative attitude will likely lessen over time, if he realizes you cannot go back to the way things were. And you can't!

So, as you work on digging out of this trauma, keep posting here. We are here, and many have been in your situation. There is life after infidelity.

Thanks again everyone, and there's a bit of an update on progress ...

I already have all the financial info filed away from last time, though it's been kept updated since, and I've booked an STI check today

Additionally he contacted the "crime care" team I mentioned in order to hurry up a counselling referral, and I myself had a call from Supporters of Sexual Violence as a result of the two STIs he gave me and also the snatched naked pics of me which he sent to his sexting friend abroad - this charity can also hopefully signpost counselling

At least there was something to smile about over the contact from the sexual violence people ... he thought they were a police department and that this foreshadowed being arrested at some point. It doesn't, but what a shame he didn't think of that before making the choices he did

Whatahellofamess, my heart breaks for you and your situation.

Sending many hugs your direction.

I forgot to mention that he will likely need a CSAT for individual therapy, and the two of you will need a CSAT if you do couples therapy. Regular counselors operate from the assumption that the people involved are honest. CSATs have much better bullshit meters. We went to regular couples therapy for years, and my WS snowballed both the counselor and me into thinking our problems were my fault or at most that we were equally to blame. When we started working with a CSAT, however, she accurately called out the rug sweeping and blame shifting on his part. Get a CSAT - this is NOT your fault, and based on your descriptions, he has yet to take responsibility for his actions. He must take real, accountable steps if he wants any kind of shot with you. Obviously words and promises are no longer an option. The old adage is true, how do you know when an addict is lying? When his lips are moving...

Hang in there. (((Hugs)))

I’m new here, too, and I suspect my husband of 36 years is cheating, possibly with prostitutes. I’m 62, so I very much understand the frightening position you are in. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I will post my story tomorrow.

So very sorry you're in this position too, ohsospecial; from what I'm seeing myself you'll get plenty of support from us all on here

And WSisanaddict I'm afraid I don't know what a CSAT is, but that's why I'm hoping for guidance from the Victim/Sexual Crime support people as to the best counsellor to approach. He's already sulking over the continuing attention being paid to what he's done (as opposed to just brushing it under the carpet again) and the last thing I want is to be blamed for it all

WaHofaM, hold him accountable. He has given you MULTIPLE STDs. He has committed MULTIPLE crimes including taking pictures of you and sending them to a friend. HE could be thrown in prison for this if you chose to press charges or if he was ever caught in a prostitution sting. If he ever goes back to it, he may very well see prison time for his crimes. It's ridiculous that he's moping around when he's barely been given a slap on the wrist for his criminal behavior from the justice system and from you. He's DAMN lucky and he needs to be moving mountains to make up for the fact that he's risked your life multiple times by giving you STDs.

Get IC for yourself. You have been victimized multiple times over by him. You need to ask yourself if he's really worth a repeat performance. You have to ask yourself why you have accepted multiple STIs from him. You have to ask yourself why you have accepted him violating you by sending those pictures out of you. This is abusive behavior from him. You do not need to accept it. You do not need to forgive him unless he truly earns. You must get yourself to a place where you can and will leave if he ever does anything even close to this again. This is about YOU, your safety, and your life. Only you can control and protect that against him.

You make some very insightful points, nekonamida; there is indeed very little understanding of what he's done, and now he's moaning that I'm keeping his phone at least until counselling starts and someone else can hopefully get it through his thick head. I put it to him that my peace of mind might just count for more than his convenience over a phone and that he might have thought of that for himself, but clearly that hadn't occurred to him

As said, the simple reason I'm still here is that I have literally no one else - no family, nothing - and that I'm too old to start again on my own. That doesn't mean there won't be any changes though, and the current search for suitable counselling is all part of this

The police also called back today, to say that because of the sums involved in the blackmail it's been escalated to the National Crime Agency (equivalent of America's FBI). They're waiting for their input before bringing the hooker in for questioning, and if she's got any sense she'll put her hands up right away. Otherwise it could involve a trial in which he'd be obliged to give evidence, and at that point it could all become very public

And goodness knows what he'd make of THAT

Well if it goes to trial, there is no sweeping it under the rug then!

Do not allow him to dictate what your reaction, actions or feelings should be.

Don't worry, he's dictating precisely nothing now; he may not like what's happening as a result of his choices, but I'm afraid that's entirely on him

It's true that a trial would blow the whole thing sky high - you can just see the headline: "ex headteacher in hooker blackmail scam"- but I doubt it'll happen. If it comes to a prosecution at all it's much more likely she'll plead guilty in return for a lesser charge/lighter sentence ... or at least she will if she's got any sense

As said, the simple reason I'm still here is that I have literally no one else - no family, nothing - and that I'm too old to start again on my own. That doesn't mean there won't be any changes though, and the current search for suitable counselling is all part of this

Here's the rub - what if he goes to prostitutes again and you find yourself back here with a new DDay and/or another STD? What if he doesn't see the need for counseling or doesn't try to repair this with you because he knows you're not going to leave him? What motivation will he have to change if you're willing to overlook this if he just goes through the motions and placates you long enough for everything to calm down so that he can go back to cheating?

D should never be ruled out as an option just because it isn't easy. Committing to D IS NOT starting over. It IS NOT committing to being alone. It IS committing to being infidelity free and creating a peaceful life for yourself when your WS refuses to R with you. It IS giving yourself the opportunity to find someone who shares the same values that you do and creating a healthy, happy relationship with them if your WS will not give that to you.

There's a great thread over on the S/D forum called "Fear vs Reality" and you should go read it. Even if you do everything possible to keep your marriage from this day forward, you may still be looking at D papers that your WS filed. It isn't that uncommon with serial cheaters. Eventually, they just don't want to keep going through the motions and putting on a show to distract their BS from all the awful things they're doing any more so D becomes much easier. You need to be prepared for this possibility no matter what happens from here.

It's a very valid point, nekonamida, and believe me I've thought of this - that he'll either revert to type or just get so fed up of the repercussions that he'll leave anyway

All this is why I'm not taking divorce off the table, but simply regard it as the less desirable option right now. The hope is that counselling might make him look at what he's done and why so that we can avoid backsliding, but if tht doesn't work then the nuclear option's always there

Sorry, CSAT stands for certified sex addiction therapist. If you check out the first page of the Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts thread in the I Can Relate forum, you will find a post by Lionne that describes a lot of different resources - books, online resources, support groups, etc. I found that reading about others in similar situations helped me make sense of my new reality quite a bit. You are not alone.

I also agree nekonamida has very valid points, that you need to seriously take into consideration before you even commit to "waiting and seeing." I say this as a woman who felt the same way about Divorce being my less desirable option...but that was back in 2002! Back then, for serious economic considerations, I felt it might be the lesser of 2 evils for me to hang in there with him as he begged me to do "while he worked on it." So one year became two, etc., as I spent the next 12 years of my life "in Recovery limbo" with him! All through those years, it was "waiting for the other shoe to drop." And one day, when I was finally starting to feel we would pull through this, after so much pain and misery....he got himself arrested for soliciting an undercover policewoman who was posing as a hooker!

Back in 2003, after a year of 2-hour weekly "therapy" sessions, our supervising counsellor had written us a discharge summary: he would need to be on guard against his urges to do this for the rest of his life, and I could never have any guarantee of his fidelity. It took 12 years of my life for him to prove our counsellors right!

During those years, I always blamed myself for having ongoing doubts and fears, despite no evidence of ongoing infidelity, just periodic "Trickle Truth" bombs when more came out about his past. From counsellors, I knew "Recovery" signs to look for, and I believed he was "finally really trying." He claimed he suddenly "relapsed" a few months after he'd lost his second career position through no fault of his own; I had been very supportive, yet my support had zero good effect on his stupid decision - and he chose to do it on my 63rd birthday, too.

So, consider the advice already given you by others, and move to save yourself first. For now, don't invest in the hope of him or them "fixing his issues," no matter what he or some CSAT tries to tell you. (CSAT is a USA term: Certified Sex Addiction Counsellor. He may not even be a "sex addict," just a man with no qualms about his own behavior.)

You must now be a realist, for your own sake, and don't buy any counsellor's encouraging you to have optimism in the face of this, like I did! Time has shown me that people like our husbands are not likely to make lasting changes to their character and outlook on life unless they truly want to change for themselves and from everything you've written, he certainly isn't there.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. My best advice is always to find a professional counselor to whom you can vent. He or she will guide you towards healing, and repairing the relationship if you want. We are here for you anytime you need to vent!