SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There are two things that constitute an affair

1. The cheating

2. The lying

While the cheating stopped 25 years ago, the lying stopped days ago. The affair truly just ended.

Everything you feel, is perfectly normal.

So glad you made it from Redit. I read your post there. It was heartbreaking. Especially your poem. I am so happy to you passed out and didnt follow through with your thought process. Please please please, the next time you feel tempted towards suicide, call the suicide hotline. A friend or a family member. You do have value. And I'm sure your loved by more people then you know.

Finding out your WW past is new to you. Like others have said. Your WW has had years to deal with her betrayal. It's new and raw for you. So what is she doing to help you through this trauma? Is she being fully supportive of your needs? Giving you space? Being understanding of your pain?

On the other site you negated all your memories because it was a lie after the fact. I'm going to go against what most people will say because you think your plan B. I say, those memories should still be positive memories for you. Why, because you were authentic. You gave yourself. You experienced those times and enjoyed them with her. Thou in ignorance of her betrayal because she was hiding her past from you. I hope in time, you can separate your trauma of the betrayal from what you gave to the relationship. She has shown herself to be a liar and a cheater. She has also given you ten good years of marriage.

The decision will be up to you. Are her actions a dealbreaker for you. The cheating, lieing, and withholding the truth from you? Or are her actions in trying to help you recover from her poor choices worth the agony to attempt R, reconciliation?

I hope you stay around and let us help your your turmoil. You will find a way out of infidelity sooner or later.

First off thank You, to each and every one of you that has taken the time to offer advice and words of comfort, it really means a lot to know theres people out there that understand your pain and are willing to take time out of their lives to help a stranger in need. I ended up here through someone giving me the link after I posted the story on reddit. I think at the time I was looking for answers as to whether this is how I should be feeling or am I reacting wrongly? No one is ever prepared for things like this but I truly thought this was something I would never face as our love was without question all through our relationship (how wrong was I). I have read a lot of peoples stories on here and a hell of a lot seem to follow a similar path. ie: No one can believe its happening to them, the shock turning to anger and then depression then back to shock, the numbness and the feeling of being totally lost and unable to comprehend your next move. One thing I have learned from this forum is that shes not as remorseful as I thought she was. The trickle truth has been a tough one to cope with for the last 3 months, and I believe its still happening. Someone mentioned regret not remorse and thats the way it looks - regret for the consequences, not remorse for ruining our lives through screwing around. I still love her, but not like I used to, I hate her for what shes done but I wish I hated her more in a way so I could make an easier decision. I think in a way I've been waiting to have that pivital moment where I look at her and think - she is really sorry, she is telling the truth, she has told me everything, she really does have remorse for what shes done, but alas I've not seen any of this. I've seen the woman I love duck and dive to avoid answering questions, I've seen her act as if its nothing because it was so long ago, I've seen her totally miss how much pain she's caused me, even to the point of me wanting to end my life. The advice she has received from her so called friends are to let me get over my strop about it because it was so long ago it doesn't matter now and to leave me alone to cope because she hasn't done no wrong because she chose me in the end. I'm beginning to think her friends advice may be contributing to her holding her back in trying to make amends but who knows? I have decided to leave her but unfortunately here in the UK we are still on covid19 lock down so absolutely nowhere to go with all hotels closed, so were in prison together for another few weeks at least. Thanks again for the replies and advice.

[This message edited by worthlessguy at 7:59 AM, August 2nd (Sunday)]

There is a lot of questioning after such disclosures, my own FWS lied for 9 years about her actions one summer, over a period of 2-3 weeks, and those lies and inconsistencies led to much doubt on my end about many things.

The the false confession, which was terrible, then the true confession, six months later, which was worse because she'd been lying about having an affair and the details of the affair, meaning I now got to experience a "fake affair" and a "real affair disclosure". WTF!

I've learned a few things over the last 10 years since that spring, summer, and fall, things I never wanted to learn.

But one thing has struck me as particularly important when we deal with this. The "plan", which some posters will refer to, usually doesn't really exist in and meaningful way in most affairs, Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, etc. There usually is a lack of a true plan. It is often a chaotic fucking mess created by rootless, insecure, and immature behaviors leading to Nowheresville. The thought processing that goes into the decision making makes one cringe if you look at it from a mature perspective. You can read all of my postings, I've disclosed a lot here, and IF there was a plan it was so seriously flawed that any 13 year old with any head on their shoulders at all would realize "this is seriously fucked up".

I'm still with my FWS. She understands what she did, why she did it, and the roots of the behaviors that led to it.

You are just starting that journey. It is HELL. Now, you need to determine if she is authentic now, is she telling the truth now, is this all there is, etc, etc, and that is not easy, particularly after all the lying.

My wife knows that if she lies to me again, about anything, I will never speak to her again, I will immediately file for divorce from her and cut off all contact because I would have to do that to protect myself from any more emotional damage. Another poster said affairs are made of the cheating and lying, and the truth is that the lying, to manipulate, is the part that causes so much damage, the gaslighting and trickle truth are hell on earth.

Good luck, come here and post, read, study, it can help a lot.

I've seen the woman I love duck and dive to avoid answering questions, I've seen her act as if its nothing because it was so long ago, I've seen her totally miss how much pain she's caused me, even to the point of me wanting to end my life.

There's a poster on another site who decided it was better to finish out his retirement years in a cabin with his dog than with his WW for the EXACT SAME REASON over a 20+ years old A she had. You're not alone in feeling this way and you're not overreacting for wanting to D. It sounds like you could get over the A but you can't get over her refusal to be honest and remorseful now.

Ask a moderator to change your username. You aren't worthless.

What Westway said. There may be a worthless person in this relationship, but it sure as hell isn't you. She played you for a chump, but everyone on this board has had felt that pain. That does not make you worthless. You trusted her, she wronged you. It's really that simple. Work on distancing, work on the road ahead. I can't promise it will be easy or fun.. honestly, it's not going to be. I'll tell you what it is better than, though.. sitting in an empty room, drinking, and wondering why you are alive. I've been in that place, and this is I can say: There's a reason you are alive. You have value. You can work through this. You didn't do anything wrong, don't take this weight on you. It's her burden, alone. Come back and rant as much as you'd like, read up, study, listen to some podcasts. Learn how to meditate. (I know this is sooo standard, but it's true) GET INVOLVED IN A MINDLESS ACTIVITY THAT WILL EXHAUST YOU. Like running or walking now that the gyms are closed. Anything to keep your mind occupied and off of her. You'll be better, friend. It will take time.

If you take away the agency of the "person you love" by lying to their face for 2.5 decades, then only let the cat out of the bag because you feel it's been enough time, or maybe they won't leave you because they are too old, whatever - that person doesn't truly love you.

In my opinion, the longer you hold this information from the betrayed, the more selfish you are and the less true your love is.

...and gives granite solid reasoning to the conscience fact that you have always been Plan B.

You're not the first to feel that way. Last year there was a man on here with 2 kids (married for 10 years?) who's wife cheated on him while they were living together (but not engaged). He felt he had the 'perfect' marriage and wife etc - but couldn't get over the sense of betrayal, including getting married under false pretenses. She posted on here under waywards, worked to fix it, and seemed remorseful so I think they stayed together.

It's pretty common for cheaters to falsely believe (rationalize) that the passage of time automatically heals their acts of betrayal & disrespect; nor does time change your feeling that you made the decision to marry her under false pretenses.

And it's pretty common for many well meaning friends to just mirror what they think your wife wants to hear.

Have you told her that you feel just as traumatized today as if you just found out? That it doesn't matter if she or her friends agree with you?

Perhaps she should post as a Wayward and get some feedback.

If there's anything she can do to change your mind about leaving, then tell her; and ask her to read:

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful" by Linda J. MacDonald

WG,

I've seen the woman I love duck and dive to avoid answering questions, I've seen her act as if it’s nothing because it was so long ago, I've seen her totally miss how much pain she's caused me, even to the point of me wanting to end my life. The advice she has received from her so called friends are to let me get over my strop about it because it was so long ago it doesn't matter now and to leave me alone to cope because she hasn't done no wrong because she chose me in the end.

I think this says it all. She is not one bit remorseful. Have you told her how much all the above is hurting you? Have you explicitly told her what you need from her to move forward? Does she even know that this could be a deal breaker for you and that you are considering D?

Finally, as I said in an earlier post, it was just amazingly cold and cruel that she brought this up on your 10th anniversary trip. Have you talked to her about this? Either she is incredibly unaware or this was a deliberate decision to shift her pain (is she even has any) to you. I would want to know. Stay strong.

Have you told her that you are leaving?

Have you talked to an attorney yet?

Good luck

Stay strong

And do what you must to be able to look yourself in the mirror

If there's anything she can do to change your mind about leaving, then tell her; and ask her to read:

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful" by Linda J. MacDonald

This should be required reading for any WS who wants to reconcile.

After 18 years of marriage I learned about 2 affairs at once, 1 at 9 years and one in progress. In some ways the first one hurts more almost a decade of lies is hard on your sense of reality.

I’m wondering about the answers to Butforthegrace‘s questions on the first page.

WG, how are you today?

It’s important that you change your mindset. The first reaction of most BH is that they are losing their wonderful wife to some other guy who is "better"... (or in your case shared your GF because the other guy has something you don’t)

The above reaction is natural but it’s also WRONG.

You have been a faithful BF and husband, walking the path of life with your WW.

Your WW was able to date you while having an affair with some other man for a year. Think about it. Would you be capable of such deception? Saying I love you to your GF in the morning, lying to her about where you go, then go say I love you and sleep with some other woman? No? Go back home and pretend nothing happened? I cannot personally imagine doing this. I bet you can’t either. But Waywards have no problems doing that.

One needs to be a seriously self centered egotistical person to do this. "I’ll date two guys, pick one, and if he finds out, he should be happy I picked him. After all, it’s all about me me me"

Your WW doesn’t have remorse because she thinks about herself, same as all those years ago. It’s all about her.

So turn your thinking around. Who is the worthless one?

Your WW is the broken one, not you.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 11:35 PM, June 9th (Tuesday)]

W,

Are you and WW ok? Haven't heard from you and WW posted a really long one in the Wayward section this morning and then took it down. I actually was feeling some compassion for her, but still have some serious questions I'd like to ask her.

Unsure2019

Still here and still struggling. Yes I believe she did post in WS section and then removed it as it shared too much detail. I didn't see it and I wont be reading it if she posts again. A few people have commented on the username, it was how I felt at the time of setting the account up and I'm sure most BS will relate to the feeling of worthlessness on finding out about an WS out of the blue. The comments and advice on here have been very helpful in making me see that I am reacting just how most people do when their world comes crashing down. I have sat and wondered if I was making too much of it and torturing both of us over something that went on so long ago that I should let go. I have from the start felt that the pain was worse because it was in the distant past and had years of lying but I also felt hurt for all those tainted years after it happened right up till now. I now realise that I'm not alone in thinking it would have been easier had it been happening yesterday as it wouldn't have ruined the years that have gone before it. Its a lot to take in and theres a very rocky road ahead. Not sure where its leading but as soon as covid19 lock down ends I'm outta here to find some space and find out whats in my head. The fact my WS posted in here is encouraging that she may be now seeing the true devastation shes caused and trying to find guidance on how to try to move forward. Only time will tell.

[This message edited by worthlessguy at 7:31 AM, June 10th (Wednesday)]

Robert,

It's pretty common for cheaters to falsely believe (rationalize) that the passage of time automatically heals their acts of betrayal & disrespect;

YOu're so right...except they don't understand that the hurt is FRESH RIGHT THE FUCK NOW for a newly discovered BS. The WS has had X number of years to bury it...

So your wife knows about this site. Perhaps she is reading your thread here. If so, I’d like to tell her that her friends that are telling her to just lay low and that you’ll get over it soon are DEAD WRONG. She should stop listening to them. They don’t understand the true impact of infidelity, even years later.

What she does need to do is read. She needs to come up with a real plan to rebuild the marriage that her cheating has now terribly damaged. Just ignoring, hoping and praying are not going to fix it. She will end up losing you if that is what she intends to do.

So If she is reading, I’d like to tell her to first go back and repost here on the wayward side. If the first time she put in too much identifying information, rewrite it and post it again. She needs the input of former cheaters. She needs to understand that she has now stabbed the man she claims to love directly in the Heart. And if she cannot understand how painful that is to you, if she cannot dig deep inside her and imagine what you must be feeling, she can at the very least relate it to the pain she is going to feel when she loses you as a partner.

I’ll finish this off by saying you each need individual counseling (IC) with a therapist that specializes in Infidelity. You to work thru the pain you are now feeling. And she to understand why she thought it was completely ok to give to someone else what she vowed to give to you and also to understand how to assist in your healing.

Right now she is failing at both those things.

So I encourage her to start by reposting on Wayward Side. And for her to listen to the experts there, not her irresponsible friends who are giving her the absolutely wrong advice right now. She should move away from them if she what’s a life with you.

I hope you will both heed this advice. Take care...

Believe it or not then there are positives in your story.

It’s all relative. Finding a positive there is like finding your prized family album intact after your house burns down.

But the positive is that she had a need to tell you about this all this time later.

I take it she didn’t do so in a gloating manner or with purpose to harm. She did its MHO because of the weight it put on her shoulders (albeit undeniably put there by herself) and the understanding a marriage is never whole with one spouse carrying that weight.

Does that make it any easier for you? NO!

Does that in any way justify her affair? NO!

But it might make reconciliation possible. It might indicate she has some key characteristics needed to reconcile like a conscience, regret, remorse…

Your pain is just as much and fresh as if she had ended the affair the day she told you. She has had all these years to deal with it – for you it’s a bleeding sore.

Having to pull the truth out is typical and the WS don’t realize that THIS probably causes as much damage as the affair itself. Once you hear of an affair trust goes, trickle-truth only digs it deeper into the ground.

Her confession doesn’t have to be the death keen of your marriage. It DEFINITELY 100% will be the cause for change. What that change is can be in your hands. You can DECIDE that it’s a deal-breaker and you want a divorce. You can DECIDE you want to work on your marriage (and then it becomes a combined decision what is needed and has to be done).

What I will leave you with is that neither decision is wrong, and both are correct. You can live a good life if you divorce, but you can also live a good life if you two do the work needed to reconcile.

My last piece of advice: Take care of yourself. Lay off the booze for a couple of weeks, take long walks, start cycling or jogging. Do you fish or golf? Take time to do both or either. Wax your car, mow your lawn, paint your living-room, fix whatever is broken. Take care of yourself. Even if you do nothing about your marriage for a couple of weeks then it’s OK if it’s time spent on getting you to a better place.

I understand your need to leave. Do what you have to so you can heal. Separating doesn't mean you can't get back together IF she does the work AND you want to. My advice would be to not make any major decisions in the first few months.

I too separated when I found out about my STBXWH's year long affair with a local married woman. I was traumatized. I did the "pick me" dance and allowed him to move back after 5 months.

I now realize that I never should've done that. I wasn't healed and strong. I put up with a false R with someone who never did the work, I did all of the work for 2 years. Now we're in the process of getting divorced and I am at peace. And he still hasn't done any work. Make her show YOU how much she wants you. And if this is a dealbreaker for you, that's fine.

You never deserved this.. you will be fine.

BTW, I'm dating a wonderful man now who loves me more than my STBXWH ever did and shows me every day. And I'm still taking it slow..