SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

These answers don't take into account Cluster B personality disorders (people who are narcissists, borderlines, sociopaths, etc.) and assume that exit affairs are a rational response to a bad relationship, whether actual or perceived. Sometimes people have just found a new source of narcissistic supply, so they discard the old one without thinking twice. In a lot of cases, the cheater doesn't recognize the humanity of anyone that isn't them.

I think that is likely a more common explanation for the exit affair than anything that has been discussed so far in this thread.

I can understand where you are coming from, and this does make sense. The only thing I will point out is that a very small percentage of people actually have a personality disorder, and being a true narcissist is a more rare occurrence than is portrayed in our society.

It's true that cheaters can exhibit narcissist's tendencies in the affair, but there are tons more exit affairs than narcissists.

Does a cake eating, narcissistic serial cheater ever EXIT for good?

I think it happens, sure. I can think of two or three examples of that of people I know. But, I think most serial cheaters are master compartmentalizers. They truly convince themselves they love their spouses and their families and that the affair and the needs gained from that as being supplemental It doesn't create conflict about their desire to be married.

I think for people like me, it created conflict because I couldn't separate it. It created more of a conflict and an urgency to choose a path. We have to remember some forms of compartmentalization are healthy - they can create an ability to make a decision with logic rather than with emotion. It's just a mechanism that can be used in a toxic way just as easily.

I see it as others describe above - basically they’re done with the marriage and looking for a way out, and taking the cowards route.

I agree with this view and call it the "Coward Exit Affair". They want out of the marriage and do everything to blow it up but don't have the balls to end it. They treat the BS like shit in hopes the BS will get to the end of their rope and finally the BS ends the marriage. Then the turd wayward can then blame the "end of the their marriage" on the BS.

I can understand where you are coming from, and this does make sense. The only thing I will point out is that a very small percentage of people actually have a personality disorder, and being a true narcissist is a more rare occurrence than is portrayed in our society.

It's true that cheaters can exhibit narcissist's tendencies in the affair, but there are tons more exit affairs than narcissists.

I have a hard time understanding how anyone could dehumanize another person, much less a person who they know on an intimate level, enough to discard them like someone in an exit affair does and not be pathological. Perhaps I'm looking through the lens of someone who was discarded by a Borderline and my own experience clouds my vision. I don't think cowardice is a good enough explanation for that kind of person.

I have a hard time understanding how anyone could dehumanize another person, much less a person who they know on an intimate level, enough to discard them like someone in an exit affair does and not be pathological.

Before finding SI, I felt that I had been dehumanised and told WH numerous times that this is what he had done to me.

He could dehumanise me and discard me because he knew me on the most intimate level.

I thought that my WH was narcissistic and the AP Borderline, but as things have come to light and been revealed, the AP is actually the full blown narcissist.

My WH was terrified of discarding this Narcissist. She was determined that he Exit his marriage and his Life. She has had more Exit Affairs than anybody else WH has ever known.

I think the explanations fit perfectly with this because none of them are rational:

These answers don't take into account Cluster B personality disorders (people who are narcissists, borderlines, sociopaths, etc.) and assume that exit affairs are a rational response to a bad relationship, whether actual or perceived.

I mean, what rational person actively thinks beforehand "I want out of this relationship but instead of just leaving I will hang out until I find someone else and then leave"? Or, where is the rationality in the thought process of "I sort of fell into this A and the A itself has made me realize how miserable/unhappy/whatever I have been with my current partner"? Or better still "This AP is my absolute soulmate and the person I married/am in a long-term committed relationship with isn't my soul mate even though I used to think they were, and even though I wasn't miserable in my committed relationship, this secretive one is so much better"? There isn't much logic or rationality in any of those thought processes to be honest.

As far as cluster B goes, my understanding is that they don't think it's a "rational" response to a "bad" relationship so much as they simply do not care whether it is or not because it is what they believe is right for them, and that is all that matters. The sociological "rights and wrongs" don't apply to them...but they certainly apply to their partners.

I do agree with this as my WH has admitted as much:

They treat the BS like shit in hopes the BS will get to the end of their rope and finally the BS ends the marriage.

Granted, he has said that he wished "countless times" that I would just leave him so that I could be free and he could avoid the conflict associated with that event. I would be doing it so there would be little blame to go around. Conversely, he admitted that at the times I said I was leaving that he would want me desperately to stay. If we were happy he wanted me to stay. If we were unhappy he wanted me to leave. Basically, he was (and does still) get his happiness from others - he is not happy with himself most of the time, and so he sees his happiness being governed by external factors completely. Hence the idealization of the AP...the situation was a disaster. She is a childish asshole who loves to play games. She has a young child that he does not want to be involved in raising. Yet, she made him happy and so he was happy. I was upset about having been lied to and betrayed by him and my work was a struggle, so I was unhappy and therefore my unhappiness made him unhappy as well.

As you might imagine that makes for a very un-supportive partner for me.

I have a hard time understanding how anyone could dehumanize another person, much less a person who they know on an intimate level, enough to discard them like someone in an exit affair does and not be pathological. Perhaps I'm looking through the lens of someone who was discarded by a Borderline and my own experience clouds my vision. I don't think cowardice is a good enough explanation for that kind of person.

This makes complete sense. And, I don't think cowardice explains the whole thing either. You are right about that. It's very complicated, though my response sounded simple. If you care to read it, I explain how that happened in my situation over in Wayward, in the thread about being a public rule follower, but secret rule breaker. It's my last response. Completely up to you, but it was a lot to type and discussed in a different way, so I didn't want to bring that whole response over here.

I don't think most people go into an affair thinking they are looking for a new partner. I think the exit part is really often something that happens after the affair begins. Hiding it starts for one reason (to stay out of trouble with the spouse) but then I think it can end up being more about prolonging the affair because they think it's going somewhere.

But, I will say that most affairs are conducted by cowards. We don't stand up and fix what is broken, we don't even take a step to look at ourselves for fear of what we will see. Instead we escape through the back door and do what we want behind other's backs. To me, cowardice is something we display a whole lot of. Then, we come back and display it some more once discovered.

I am sorry you were married to someone who had a personality disorder. I have a friend who was, and that can be debilitating on it's own without the added trauma of an affair.

This method of leaving a marriage seems the absolute most heinous way to do it. It takes no one in consideration except the person leaving and they don't give a damn how much carnage they leave in their wake. I wonder though, and I've seen no statistics on it: How many of the Rush to exit types come back realizing they screwed everything up?