SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, a marriage is like a stool in that it is built upon three legs. In marriage, those legs are Love, Respect, and Trust

I’m sorry, but your marriage doesn‘t have ANY OF THEM!!!

Love: do you think it is possible that someone could actually love someone else and give their body to someone else?? Could someone that loves you actually be willing to cause you this level of pain and desvastation??? The simple answer is not “no”, but “HELL NO!!!!!!”

Respect: do you really think at someone that respects you would show the ultimate in DISRESPECT By carrying ANOTHER MAN’S BABY!!!!!!! The only way it could possibly be worse is if she was sleeping with the guy in your bed!

Trust: do you really think that there is the slightest chance you you will ever trust her again? Every time she is 5 minutes late, you will be wondering if she is in someone else’s bed or backseat!! Hell, she hasn’t quit her job, what makes you think the two of them aren’t taking their breaks in a storage closet???

Sorry, but I’m my opinion, some sins are unforgivable.

I know it hurts, and I know the fear that you are facing, but the quicker you file and get away from her the quicker your pain will go away!

If I were you, I would not let her rewrite the history of your relationship. I would send as wife of a message as possible, to all your AND HER friends and family members, AND HER COWORKERS and say, “this might not be the proper forum, but I just wanted to let everyone renown that STBXW and I are beginning the process of divorce. And in a somewhat related note, I would like to congratulate STBXW and POS on their baby, which is expected to arrive in January, 2021.”

many of us here knowwhat you are going through. Good luck, Be strong!!! And whatever you do, make sure you can look yourself in the mirror!!!!

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 2:32 AM, July 3rd (Friday)]

Stay strong!!!

You did nothing wrong!!!

Head up, shoulders back!

If the gyms are open in your area, go to one as often as you need. But a heavy punching bag and set it up in the garage or basement to take your frustrations out on!!

And get away from her as quick as possible!

Hi brother,

You have been given some good advice.

Legal as well as STD and STI checks.

I fail to understand if she had sex six weeks ago, stopped the sexual part; why was she still going over there for the last three or four times since her medical episode?

Cheaters lie and a lot. There is more to this than she is saying.

Her body her choice, your marriage, your choice to tell who you feel necessary to help you through this. You don’t heed her permission regarding this.

If you inform their HR about a work place romance she may be fired. That may have an effect on any alimony from you if you D.

Try to exercise, even if it is walking the block. Drink water, please steer clear of drugs. It will inhibit your decision making skills.

There are no needs to make long term relationship decisions right away, gather all information legal, parents, then make a call.

Support and one day at a time.

Buffer

She did you a favor. She showed you who she REALLY was before you got her pregnant.

Take it as a blessing and be thankful that you still have time to find someone that does really love you.

One legal issue:

In most states (if not all) and most countries a husband is automatically assumed the father of any child conceived in the marriage and/or if conceived before a divorce is finalized. Even if the WW names another man as the father or if the husband refuses to sign the birth-certificate. Legally = Married = husband = father.

There is a relatively tight time-period where you can counter the paternity. In some states 30 days, in some 6 months. There are numerous cases where a man has proven with DNA tests that he isn’t the father, but the courts have decreed him the “legal” father with all the financial obligations that incurs because the timeframe has passed.

Ask an attorney about refuting paternity.

I am not suggesting you divorce, or you reconcile. You wouldn’t be the first BH on SI that divorces due to another man impregnating his wife. You wouldn’t be the first BH on SI that decides to reconcile despite his wife carrying another mans’ child. It’s totally your call.

I would however going to make the two following suggestions:

Do not demand or impact in any way your WW decision to have or not have an abortion. Do not make reconciliation dependent on an abortion. IF you decide to reconcile then do it from the basis that you are going to raise this kid without the child EVER experiencing resentment from you. If you can’t do that then divorce.

I believe in the truth. I think it’s better that the child have the correct biological father irrespective of who raises him. IF you decide to stay together then IMHO your best all-round bet is that OM is named the father on the certificate. If we imagine a 5-year goal: Your wife has already had an affair. If you two decide to reconcile the odds of a successful reconciliation are maybe 3/5. It would be terrible for you to go through the pregnancy and maybe the first two years before you two decide R isn’t possible and you divorce. Only for you to be paying CS for the OM child for the next 16 years.

There is a rule-of-thumb here that at the 2-year R-mark you sort-of know if you two will make it. If you do R correctly then it can lead to a great marriage. If you two are still a couple when the child turns 5 I’m pretty certain the OM will sign away his parental rights to get away from child-support.

She has an addict mind. Just like her smoking weed, her affair is like an addiction to her. She can't give it up. Deep down, she probably doesn't even want to.

She wants the security and safety of you (always taking care of her) while she has her fun on the side.

Can you stay in a relationship knowing that she is always capable of doing what she just did?

I am not saying she can't change. But she should be busting her ass trying to fix your M right now.

Quitting her job immediately should be at the top of her list. Then go NC with the OM. You have to watch her do it. From there, she must show full transparency and no more lies. She must answer every question with no defensiveness. Then lots of IC.

Even if she does all of this there are no guarantees that your M will survive. You may well wake up and realize that what she did was a deal breaker.

The question is, do you want to wait around and see if what she says matches what she does, or if it's all just an act?

She's already shown you who she is. Believe it the first time. She may promise you the moon. But it's rare, like unicorn rare, that a WS changes like that. You're talking 2-5 years of consistent work, mostly from her to repair your M, to rebuild trust.

Then you'll have to decide if you can live with her knowing she carried another man's seed while she was still married to you.

Ugh, that is a shit sandwich that you will have to eat for the rest of your marriage.

My advice would be to file and never look back. She did you a solid. You're still young enough to find someone that won't disrespect you and will remain faithful when things get tough.

[This message edited by squid at 1:13 PM, July 3rd, 2020 (Friday)]

Great advice here! Remove yourself from the abortion decision. Do not make R dependent on this or this could be a horrible weight over either R if you went that route, or just all of the psychological problems that can arise from a decision to abort even years later. See a lawyer yesterday to dispute paternity. Let her family know NOW that this is not your child.

What an awful thing you are going through, I am so sorry. Like others have said, you are not the first and won't be the last and you will get through it.

My wife and I have been in Coronavirus lockdown for a few months now. She's being going out pretty much once a week to spend time with a work colleague. I told her how bad this was that she's risking the law and others to spend time with him.

Where exactly was she going to meet this guy? His house? If so, in what world is this not a HUGE Red Flag? I would nuke this whole thing and rebuild your life once the dust settles.

You do need to contact an attorney immediately. Depending on your state, what you do now can make a difference.

You also need to contact mental health profession. She has already tried and is threatening again.

You need to reach out to friends and family.

Just checking in on you to see how you are doing.

Stay strong. I promise things will get better.

I'm feeling pretty worthless to be honest.

On one hand there is a feeling of relief and that a weight has been lifted, because it's been something I suspected was going to happen. But then i think if that was the case, then why the fuck couldn't I stop it so that's just what makes me feel like a loser.

I got pretty drunk and that didn't help, so just going to try to stay away from drinking.

There are times I feel brighter, with all the support here and elsewhere - I really appreciate that and it makes me know that things will get better and that this is a new start.

"It was only one time" is one of the most common lies from cheaters. And it is kind of irrelevant. She cheated. And clearly she wasn't going to stop, but the pregnancy messed things up.

You are not worthless. You, like the rest of us here, chose to share your life with someone who wasn't worthy of you. Don't beat yourself up over that. You didn't fail, she did.

I can only recommend to you things that helped me. The thing that helped me the most to get out of the funk of depression was to 180 my XWW and start to focus on my life after the D. To focus on how I wanted my life to be and what I wanted to do. It took my mind off of my XWW's cheating.

Tired, you couldn't have stopped it. You might have been able to stop it once but if she wanted to she would find a way to commit adultery. The only one who could have stopped it before the cheating happened was her. She wanted to so she did it.

Sorry you are here my friend!

She's being going out pretty much once a week to spend time with a work colleague. I told her how bad this was that she's risking the law and others to spend time with him. She's been getting closer over the last months and I warned her to be careful. She said I was just being ridiculous and jealous and absolutely nothing was going on.

Listen, stop beating yourself up. You tried right here to talk sense into her. What were you going to do, tie her up to prevent her from doing dumb shit?

To me personally, the above would make this impossible to forgive. She knew she was going to go cheat, she knew you had both an inkling of it and did not want her going there.......but she went anyway right in your face.

Sorry, this is not R material and you could find a much safer partner to start a family with.

Need to let you in on a secret.

This had NOTHING to do with you, and EVERYTHING to do with her selfishness.

No matter what issues may of may not have been going on in the marriage, NOTHING justifies her giving herself to another man. You were in the same relationship, but YOU didn’t cheat. As the saying goes, a marriage is 50-50, but infidelity is 100-0.

Have you filed yet? I hope I don’t sound callous, but The sooner you do, the sooner you will heal.

Hang in there and stay strong.

You did NOTHING WRONG!!!

So, head up, shoulders back. You have nothing to be ashamed of! And the sooner the old you comes back, the sooner you will realize that women are actually flirting with you.

Lay off the beer and alcohol. Start working out in some way (a heavy punching bag was great for me), eat healthy , and try to sleep .

You got this!

But then i think if that was the case, then why the fuck couldn't I stop it so that's just what makes me feel like a loser.

You could feel like crap about this for the next 20 years if you want to.

Why would you want to do that?

You screwed up by trusting your wife? Don't beat yourself up too badly over this. News flash you're not perfect.

My suggestion - get a new wife.

I honestly would just bail. No kids and she has a drug problem and had no compunction to keep deceiving until it couldn't be hidden.

I know that's a painful truth and I'm sorry this happened to you.

If you and she had sex a little over a month before D-Day, and she slept with him a month before D-Day, how are you a hundred percent sure the baby is not yours?

How much do you and her want child. You have to be realistic here. She is pot smoker with few eggs left and IVF are super expensive. You have to consider the fact that if you do abortion she might not ever have child. This is very real possibility and your doctors will be able to tell you odds. In my view if your odds are not better than 50% then don’t go for abortion.

Yes, this is unfair to you but please be realistic. You have strong chance that both of you might never have any kids OR she can have a kid for certain (assuming she is immediately off the pot unless you want severely damaged child), If you are fine with adoption, just accept the situation and reconcile. If you are not fine then let her have kid and you can move out.

Sorry it has come to this but sometimes gods and humans play very funny games.

As many have said on here already you really have to think about these four things assuming you know for sure this is not your child.

1. Do not influence or try to control her decision to have an abortion or not. This is not your child, not your body and not your decision to make. This is hers to make and yours to live with.

2. Do not stay with her if she is keeping the child unless you are willing to be a full father to this baby. That means that you accept the baby as yours, that you never hold over your WW that you are not the father and especially never hold that over the innocent child. If you can't do that then leave.'

3. If you want to stay and she is having the baby then understand that there is a fair chance that the POSOM will be in your life forever. He may not want the role now but in time he may want to assert some parental rights and have a relationship with his child. Understand that he may be able to legally enforce this at some point and you won't be able to stop it.

4. Regardless of what she is doing with the baby you and she have a whole lot of other work to do to stay together if that is what you want. It is not clear to me that this is what she wants so really that all may be moot. What you may get out of all of this is child support for a child that is not yours and your WW leaving you eventually any way. Be careful. As Bigger says these decisions have a time limit. Find out what you need to do in your state about disputing being the father if that is what you want to do. Don't wait until it is too late.