I don't think he remains detached, but he doesn't feel he is responsible in any way and I think that's very healthy for a BS.
This is what I meant by his sense of detachment. He understood, faster than a number of us that your choices weren’t a reflection on him. Because infidelity feels personal and is so personal, a lot of people never get as far as understanding your choices had little to do with him.
Based on your husband’s posts, they always have a sense of mindfulness. I don’t know that you can drive someone to that, my guess is he was fairly centered pre-A and found his balance pretty quick, even when you hadn’t figured things out for yourself.
In your case, where you found out a few years later, your wife might have been in a different place. I imagine that to be just as disorienting, but just a different experience.
It was definitely different than discovery in real time, but trying to keep it a secret and heal on her own was a lot like someone breaking a couple bones and trying to heal those without medical help. So, she had made progress in her rebuilding herself back, but she still benefited greatly from counseling.
We both believe our outcome would not have gone as well if she hadn’t done some healing on her own prior to her confession. She was ready to take responsibility for her choice, and that made a great deal of difference.
And the RV stuff sounds fun, it’s interesting to me how many of us like that idea or dream of it.
For now, we’re just looking at a seasonal travel get away rather than pulling up stakes completely.
