So, I hadn't planned to make a post about anything today (today is 3 years post DDAY) but H inspired me. If you are a new WS here and you hope to reconcile is what I learned in the past 3 years:
-Work on healing yourself. This is the number one thing you can do. Hand wringing, shame, all of these things are holding you back from being your best self. This also holds you back from being the best husband or wife that you can be.
-Read how to help your spouse heal from an affair,and read other things - listen to podcasts. Read about trauma. Make a mindful practice to help your spouse and your relationship every single day. Become curious about them and their needs. Be aware they may not know what it is they want or need right now and that they will sometimes lash out as a result. Keep trying, pursue them, be consistent and relentless. I feel as if the how to help your spouse heal is important while you are working on yourself - but the goal is to BECOME that person rather than just doing things that others have suggested. The work a WS does in becoming whole, healed, with new skills will make them a better spouse. But, some of those suggestions are more from a fake it until you make it perspective. It's every bit as important to prioritize your spouse, but I say that the WS working on themselves supercedes everything or you will never be a safe partner. You may save your marriage but I feel without the work on yourself it's a temporary save.
-Don't lie. You build trust from day 1. It's tempting because you are afraid. You don't want a divorce. It's counterintuitive to you to give them all the info all at once. You want to still seem redeemable. But, you are most redeemable when you are truthful and I think eventually the BS's truth/BS meter tells them. If you haven't been truthful no trust can be built therefore no R can be gained. Also, by practicing integrity, self respect can start to build. You will feel more solid.
-Bring up the affair. Do not leave it to them. They will try and carry the burden on their own and will resent when they have to bring it up. Making it an open topic at any time will be the best path forward. Getting acclimated to having it as a never ending conversation will serve both of you well.
- Figure out your whys - the whys are your motivation. Then figure out your hows - the hows are your background (like FOO) that enable you to be comfortable with it. Any counselor will steer you in that direction anyway. The reason you cheated and how you were able to do it are internal to you. Do not blameshift.
-Get in IC first, MC comes second.
-Self care: Get enough sleep (Melatonin helped me), avoid alcohol (it's a depressant), exercise (important for mental toughness and happy chemicals, combats depression), take vitamins, eat well. If you want to be able to be your spouses rock, then you need to establish these things so that you are prepared. It takes a lot of mental stamina and resilience to not only get through it but to do the growing you need to do. Self care is also an act of self love. WS are notorious for not having self-love, self-worth, self-respect.
-It feels better to live a wholesome life than whatever it is you have been doing to avoid that. Align your thoughts and actions with that and appreciate when you exhibit those changes. Notice how you feel versus when you use your old patterns.
-Meditation was helpful to me, as was the book "The Power of Now". Our thoughts are not truths, and we base so much on our thoughts. Learn to be a conscious objective observer of your thoughts.
-Work towards the traditional steps of self-actualization. This one is longer term, but it helps to develop other healthy relationships over time. The first year you may not have time for this. It helps to develop hobbies and interests. Bored people are boring, and I think sometimes this is a contributing factor of an affair. A well rounded, self-actualized person is far less likely to cheat because you have learned to fulfill yourself.
There are no guarantees, you can try your hardest but the damage is already there. These are things I think have helped us make it to year three. This and what my BS has worked on combined.
You have to look at this time as bottom, but you CAN go up from here. And, even if you are not going for R, many of these things still apply. You still need to do the heavy lifting because your future still depends on it.
Now, we are off to make a memory.
[This message edited by hikingout at 12:50 PM, September 1st (Tuesday)]