SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Survrus.

Thanks for replying to my post. Yes I have all the details. It took a while though. I found out after 5 years - she told me it was only an EA and swept under the carpet. She told me 5 years later that it was a PA and I again swept it under the carpet. Early this year the A hit me again like a ton of bricks. This time I got all the details. It took 20 years to get the full details. Even though the A happen 25 years ago it’s still fresh in my mind.

I feel that my W did fall out of love with me during the A. That’s the worse thing about EA. In the end she choose me over her AP. The A lasted about 3 months. I truly believe she loves me and is fully devoted to me and I don’t have any concerned that she will do it again. We had another child 12 months after I found out about the A. He is now 25.

No, I didn’t expose or confront the OM. When I found out about the EM he had already moved to another State and I was to distraught. Our 2 kids where under 10 and I just wanted life to get back to normal. When she told me 6 years later it was a PA I was very emotionally but it didn’t hit me anywhere as hard as the first time. I think because l’d already experienced the shock of the EA 6 years earlier I was somewhat conditioned. Earlier this year, after I relapsed I almost hired a PI but I backed out. I didn’t think if would help me E to confront the AP after 25 years. I wanted too so badly to find him and tell him how much he f&#ked up my life. Anyway I decided not to.

Thanks again for your replying to my post and your comments.

DIFM

Thanks for your advice. Very helpful.

It’s like I have lived 2 lives and have 2 memories stored. One life and memories are before the affair, the woman I married, loved with all my heart, shared all my dreams, trusted with my life. She was so sweet, innocent, loveable, beautiful, and best of all she only had room in her heart for me. We had 2 beautiful children, worked hard together to save, invest, build our future. Everything we did, we did together for us and the family. We had each other’s back 24/7. Life wasn’t easy, but it was great because we had each other. How I loved reminiscing about those days. They brought so much joy to my heart. Then within a flash, reminiscing before DD causes so much pain. In an instant all those beautiful memories that where once a part of you, that made all the blood, sweat and tears all worth while are wiped. Something in your heart dies and you know it can never be fully resuscitated. Not even with all the therapy in the world. For me, that’s the worst part of infidelity. Now it’s all about moving forward. I know that and I get it but the heart doesn’t listen to reason.

Wow! This is me. I could have written this about myself without changing a single thing! I am only 3 years out. I hope that this does not dog me for the rest of my life.

It’s like I have lived 2 lives and have 2 memories stored. One life and memories are before the affair, the woman I married, loved with all my heart, shared all my dreams, trusted with my life. She was so sweet, innocent, loveable, beautiful, and best of all she only had room in her heart for me. We had 2 beautiful children, worked hard together to save, invest, build our future. Everything we did, we did together for us and the family. We had each other’s back 24/7. Life wasn’t easy, but it was great because we had each other. How I loved reminiscing about those days. They brought so much joy to my heart. Then within a flash, reminiscing before DD causes so much pain. In an instant all those beautiful memories that where once a part of you, that made all the blood, sweat and tears all worth while are wiped. Something in your heart dies and you know it can never be fully resuscitated. Not even with all the therapy in the world. For me, that’s the worst part of infidelity. Now it’s all about moving forward. I know that and I get it but the heart doesn’t listen to reason.

I'd share this with her. Just let her read it.

Something in your heart dies and you know it can never be fully resuscitated. Not even with all the therapy in the world.

Gently, I think the biggest loss is one's illusions, and that's very painful.

Not only do you find you were holding onto an illusion, you realize you can't get the illusion back, and the illusion can never be real. That's even more painful.

Do you know what you're feeling - anger, grief, fear, shame?

What you describe is finding stored up pain, and there are many ways to release pain. If you clear away some of your pain, your clarity will increase.

One that may help you at home is the 'emotional freedom technique.' I recommend checking it out. Most other techniques need a guide/IC/therapist.

Definitely grief!

was the OM married?

His BW deserves to know the truth.

there are no statute of limitations to exposing an affair.

Oldtruck.

I don't know if the OM is married now. He was separated at the time-so he said.

The OM said he was separated?

Cheaters lie about all aspects of their affair.

IMO, 99% probability that it's not true.

I wonder if the OM's wife knows they were separated.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 5:57 AM, September 14th (Monday)]

First of all: There is never an expectation or even a want to forget. The minute we forget is when the countdown to a repeat starts. We want to remember, but not to let it control us and our emotions negatively.

Your WW mental issues don’t eliminate or diminish the possibility of you having issues. It’s not as if her clinical depression and the possibility of some confrontation/discussion might spiral her into depression automatically denies you the right to have your issues.

What her possible depression does however is make it even more important that the issue is addressed correctly.

I think a common mistake couples make when dealing with issues is an I and you mentality and a perception that one or the other needs to win the argument. In your case a fear or memory is causing you pain, and that pain impacts your ability to be 100% in the marriage.

It’s not an argument to be won, but a problem to be solved. It’s not that you or she wins, the marriage wins, and therefore you both.

I don’t know what your WW could do to make things better. Maybe simply talking about the issue and acknowledging it will suffice. Maybe all she has to do is say something like “Yes. I can understand how this can still be causing you pain. I apologize for what I did. What can I do to help you?”

Her mental health issues… well… they matter.

Because of them then MAYBE you need to ask her therapist how to deal with this?

Chances are HER mental health will be improved if the marriage is stable and based on openness and truths.

You obviously should've left.

T/j

NaturalX – Would you care to elaborate a bit on how that input helps the OP in any way? It’s not as if he has a time machine and can go back 25 years and do what you consider right.

But then – at the time of this post you have 18 contributions and having scanned them all not a single one is positive for anyone that wants or attempts reconciliation. Like the suggestion you offer one poster where you not only tell him to divorce his wife, but also his wife’s sister… (go figure).

Maybe you should stay away from the Reconciliation forum. After all – at the gate your are notified that:

A wonderful place to share your struggles, success stories, and triggers while trying to reconcile. There is to be no name calling in this forum. Venting is to be limited to you and/or your partner. Please post respectfully and constructively keeping in mind the goal for this forum is to reconcile. It's a long road, but you can do it!

Man, there's no substitute for truth. Your wife knows something's up and instead of being honest and vulnerable and all that shit, you choose to lie, leaving her both in the dark and having to speculate.

I don't know much about clinical depression or what it's like to live with someone so afflicted. What I do know is that ignorance isn't bliss and building walls isn't healthy.

How much longer do you intend to keep yourself so bottled-up?

[This message edited by Unhinged at 9:14 AM, September 14th (Monday)]

Unhinged.

You are right, it doesn’t help either of us by not sharing my feelings and pain. I have shared my feelings with my W many times this year but stopped about 3 months ago. I took ‘thatbpguy’ advice and shared my early post “it’s like living 2 lives” with my W yesterday. It broke her heart knowing that she has caused me so much pain and that she lost a part of me. It breaks her heart every time I bring up my feelings. She is very remorseful and does everything humanly possible to try and help me feel better. But like many times before, it helps for a short time but it doesn’t change the facts. I’ve forgiven my wife but I can’t forget that for 3 months she fell in love with OM. As I said, the worst thing about an EA is knowing that your wife gave her heart to Some other guy is what causes the most pain. Knowing that someone had stolen her heart is the worst feeling in the world. To the heart it doesn’t matter if it was for a day, a week, a month or years.

[This message edited by Rspec at 10:38 AM, September 14th (Monday)]

I have heard it said that some people love idealistically.

While others love opportunistically.

Sounds like you are the first type. And perhaps your WW is more towards the second type.

Rspec has she ever done anything that triggered your pain, for example, checking on the guy’s facebook?

Your 25 years really scared me if your wife had not ever done anything to trigger your pain. My wife did that and I am still in pain and that I can understand, but if your wife did not then Im worried that I could never have peace, that I may have to divorce when then kids turn 18.

Thank you for coming here to update. I hope you aren't offended when I say don't want this to be in 20 years (or 40 years with another poster in this forum).

I asked my WW for a divorce a month ago and have been working steadily on it since.

This week, among a lot of other things, including looking at some homes, I also had some creative ideas for reducing debt. I'm feeling really good about my decision to D and lighter and better every day.

Of course the pain my children will feel from this weighs on me. But what weighs on me more is the idea of not being the father I need to be because I'm a walking zombie still in pain from what my WW did next year, the year after that, the year after that ...

Sorry for being blunt.

You have stored up pain that is coming out. Get some phone numbers of ICs. Make a call. tell the IC that you want to process stored up pain out so it doesn't bother you anymore.

If you get a sense that the IC can help, make an appointment and do your work.

If you get a sense the IC can't help you, make another call.

Keep calling until you find someone who you think will help you.

There's nothing wrong with you. You've just hit a problem you need some help with.

Your W sounds like a good candidate for R. IC will be a lot cheaper and a lot more rewarding than D.

It's been longer than that for me and this comes back at me, essentially every day. It flares up, then subsides.

I pretend like there's nothing as I have for most of it (about 35 yrs).

After the amount of time for you, I can just about guarantee you that you're bringing this to the grave.

And, I went on to have by all reasonable measures a "good marriage". It is permanently damaged and the stain will never vanish. I do my best to accept it.

Rspec,

If the full truth only came out 5 years ago, then you are only at 5 years, with 20 years of lies.