SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

That’s a good idea. The Other Betrayed Spouse (OBS) needs to know.

Don’t tell your WW. If she complains to you later on, you’ll know they are still talking.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 9:15 PM, November 8th (Sunday)]

I have his wife’s contact and feel like giving her a call or reaching out.

This could well be one of the best things you can do. The probability of exchanging information will be invaluable to you.

Strength man it is tough, from your story I can see that many things already are clear to you, you have a clear mind about things about what you want and do not want, and that you have already done things and taken steps to help yourself and your child to get out of the whole mess, you are doing fine and I wish you and your family strength in navigating through this whole storm.

Difficult things and times still are ahead for you, thus it is a good thing to continue the individual counseling that you have, and to stay posting here, the people here are always willing to help and share their insights.

I also hope that sharing your story helped you to vent, by sharing with others people can come to help you, always good to not keep it in but to share online and/or in real life for getting care and support, and by sharing your post you also helped others here to learn and see they are not the only ones dealing with the mess of infidelity.

Strength and best wishes

Edited: Typo

[This message edited by babypuke at 3:23 AM, November 9th (Monday)]

I didn't fully read all of the responses, Greenjk, so this might have been mentioned already.

Document all of the time you are spending with your daughter, all the care and all of the things you are doing with her. Document what your WW's behaviour has been with your daughter and going forward.

I don't remember if you said where you live but is your state a fault or no fault state for divorce? Even if no fault there may be some benefit to you based on your WW's behaviour. It might not matter but find out from the lawyer(s) you are going to see this week.

My best wishes and condolences to you and your daughter. This is a very tough and long road no matter if you D or R. So sorry.

You should proceed. D can always be stopped, but she needs to see you are serious. Detach as well. Do what you need to do for you and your daughter. 3 is an amazing age too - right when their language is exploding! My niece that I helped raise turned 4 this year and I would like her to stop growing so fast...It really is an amazing age with your child. Cherish that.

Oh man, I can't agree enough here. You are given such a gift in your daughter, even if your marriage is destroyed (and frankly, it is. I think you know that). I had similar problems with a ex-spouse that suffered terribly from depression after our second was born. She would sleep in our bedroom, eat meals there, and watch TV blankly until midnight, then sleep and wake up and go to work. I had to be dad AND mom to our son, who was about the same age. It was a beautiful experience, but it was also heartbreaking and very stressful. You have my complete sympathy and empathy for what you are enduring right now. Do the right thing, your child's development depends on you.

As you say in a previous post, you feel like you can't rely on how sincere an effort she's making and something feels "off". PLEASE trust your gut on this. I didn't, kept telling myself she'll snap out of this, but it just got worse. In some senses, it a similar story-- she found a new pastime (with real people, not on a computer) and it consumed her. So listen to your gut on this.

So this morning I messaged both the other guy and his wife and completely unloaded....haven’t said a word to my wife about it at all...

Bit of a tactical error informing the OM as it will enable him to spin a story to his wife or paint you as a crazy jealous husband.

It also creates an opportunity to expose the OM to his wife as a trickle truther and minimizer. So prepare a document with messages, screenshots and etc to send to her.

Some here will disagree with me, but I do have first hand experience from which to draw. D can give you the kind of liberation and distance from the pain and drama/trauma that ONLY D can give. I am evidence that D does not mean there is no possible future. It means you get out of the insanity and traumatic hold that the M grips you in, in all your thoughts and decisions.

Then, with the freedom and respite that D can offer, you can make any decision you want about a future with your WW. Where D laws are not arduous and terribly difficult, get the hell out of the hell, legally. Then, if there is a future for you and your WW, it can be built on something new.

I can only speak from my experiences. D gets you the hell out of hell quicker than anything. It works for some, maybe not for others. In my isolated view of things, I think it could work for a lot more suffering BS's in infidelity, if they just did it. If my WW had not agreed to D as a precursor to R, there would have never been any R.

Do not discount the value of D to any future you decide, with your WW or not.

Green,

You can also look up the numbers for PIs, Polygraphs and divorce attorneys where OMW lives and send them to her along with some of the suggestions people post on this site.

I sent the wife screen shots of my latest discoveries. He can lie all he wants but his words are there for her to see. I gave her all the secret profile names of his and what they are on. It just felt good. I’ve made my mind up I’m done with her.

So sorry you are going through this,

Kudos for informing the OBS, she deserves to know her truth.

Sometimes you just know when you are done,

One day at a time one moment at a time,

Stay strong for you & your daughter

Man I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Did you ever find out if she actually met up with these guys, or was this all done online?

But if you value yourself then divorce is the correct route in infidelity situations,

I always find it strange when a poster decides to use THIS site to advocate a stance where the only path available that maintains the betrayed spouse sense of value or self-worth is divorce. That sentence I quoted is telling the original poster that if he were to attempt to reconcile, he wouldn’t be valuing himself.

This site was founded by a couple that experienced infidelity; the husband who is also our moderator and for years paid for this site out of his own pocket is MangledHeart. You can see his name on the top of the forum page along with his wife we knew as Deeply Scared. She was a major contributor and is still sorely missed since losing her battle with cancer. But I guess some of the “once a cheater” crowd still only see her as a wayward wife. If anything, she was more active in keeping the site alive, while MangledHeart focused on keeping it up and running.

I have never had a sense of MangledHeart not valuing himself, or of him being insecure or any less of a man for having managed the tough and hard work of reconciling with his wife.

Not any more than I think the moderator Wifehad5 devalued himself for reconciling with his wife. She too is a massive contributor here.

Nor do I see myself as more of a man or superior to them for having left my cheating fiancé.

Greenjk – I don’t know you or anything about you, but the two betrayed husbands I mentioned above – well… I know them for their actions and contributions on SI and I know they are both well rounded, wholesome men with a good sense of self-worth, integrity and pride. Yet they are both betrayed husbands. What they have in common with me – a man who terminated his infidelity relationship – is that we all got out of infidelity.

I could also point out that this site with over 70k members and a long history has a Reconciliation forum. Something that wouldn’t be here if we truly thought remaining in a marriage impacted by infidelity would devalue or make less of the betrayed spouse.

So again… I wonder why some posters use THIS site to post statements like the one above and expect others to take them seriously. Makes you wonder if they are biologically hardwired in a wrong way…

Greenjk

IMHO this can end in one good way: YOU get out of infidelity.

To reach that objective there are two (yes TWO) good paths. You can divorce or you can reconcile.

If you want to divorce, then go for it! It’s relatively simple per se since the process is controlled by laws that generally ensure a “fair” process. If you want to divorce you really don’t need to read much further nor post in the JFO forum. If you know what you want and if it’s D then head for the D forum.

Divorce is a very realistic outcome of what has happened. You should DEFINITELY have a good understanding of what D would be for you in your state. The process, the estimated cost, the expected custody, child-support, does infidelity impact D and all that. Basically, you should KNOW what you are possibly dealing with. Some posters suggest you file, but I don’t see that as something you need to do right now, but YOU DO NEED TO UNDERSTAND what divorce really is.

This can be compared to learning CPR or first aid. It’s not that you do the course and then walk the streets looking for someone that needs mouth-to-mouth, but rather that the knowledge comes to good need IF and WHEN you need it.

I have a sinking feeling that you are doing what we betrayed husbands generally do. You have set all sorts of rules for your wife and now you are monitoring her to see if she complies.

Well… I suggest a different approach. I suggest you turn the onus on her. Tell your wife something along these lines:

“Wife. I have realized that losing you is not the worst possible outcome of this situation. I have realized that each and every time you focus on your gaming and seek validation from other men I have actually lost you. At best I am sharing you and I do NOT share my wife.

You are free to spend your time online in whatever fantasy you want. You can sext with any man, spend time with any man, do anything with any man.

BUT NOT AS MY WIFE.

Until and unless you clearly and verbally let me know that you want this marriage, show me with actions that you want this marriage and accept some conditions then I am simply assuming that you have decided to remain in your infidelity and I will work towards terminating our marriage.

There is no major rush. It’s a two-phase task of emotionally removing myself from our marriage and the more mundane task of legally ending our marriage. There are laws that ensure we are both treated fairly.

If you do want this marriage and let me know in a clear unequivocal way, then remember you do so on your own free will. I will need to see by your actions how you convince me you are no longer gaming, spending your time online, in contact with your lovers or sexting. I will need to see that you are serious in realizing why you did these things and actively seeking healing and improvement. But until I feel assured and convinced then I am heading out of infidelity, even if its without you.”

Then see what she does. If she starts talking bout how you didn’t listen or are such an asshole or whatever your stock answer is ALWAYS:

I am sorry you feel that way. If we were working on our marriage, we could do something about that issue, but while you are committed to your infidelity there is no need or purpose in doing so.

Then see what she does. Her reaction will tell you a lot. It’s no longer your job to be checking if she’s cheating or if she’s taking steps to save the marriage, but HER task to convince you it’s over and that she’s taking steps to improve herself and save the marriage.

Finally, Greenjk

Notice how I haven’t been pushing you to reconcile or divorce? I’m suggesting you get out of infidelity. In your original post you state you want to save your marriage. If your wife ends her affair and freely accepts the work required, then that’s possible. I’m not big into consequences, revenge and creating pain. I for one can’t really see what consequence you can impose on your wife to make up for the infidelity. It’s not like she can do 50 push-ups or write “I will not sext with other men” 500 times to make things better. The consequences are that right now there are explicit pictures of her possibly floating on some MILF/Amateur porn-site. The consequences are that this might end in divorce. The consequences are that IF you two make it then she will look at you probably daily and feel remorse for the pain caused. There are consequences, but they really won’t be the sort of punishment some are calling for.

I’m not pushing you to reconcile or divorce, but I definitely am pushing you out of infidelity. Be it with your wife beside you via reconciliation or you alone because she couldn’t or wouldn’t follow via divorce.

FWIW, D is not the end of the relationship, it is the end of the marriage. If the end of the marriage means the end of the relationship, that is for the two parties to decide.

@Bigger. That may be the best advice yet. Thank you for those words of wisdom.

Reconciliation is a gift that is earned. If you choose to give it away freely all you will get is more of the same.

What has your wife done to earn reconciliation? Has your wife done anything besides make empty promises to you?

Has she stopped talking to other men? Did she tell her married playmate to stop contact with her?

The list goes on.

Your wife isn't a safe partner for you nor is she a safe choice as a parent for your child.

Your best option is to file for divorce. Have your wife served at work. You always have the option to halt the process if you feel she has earned a second chance. I would say that seems unlikely considering her need for validation outside the marriage. Regardless, even if you divorce you would not be the first couple to rekindle their love and remarry. You have options but recognize if you choose to allow your wayward to avoid consequences all you do is send the message that she can betray you again without any fear.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 3:12 PM, November 11th (Wednesday)]