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I just wanted to share with everyone what I recently just discovered about my wife. I’ll back track a little....We have been together for ten years and have a beautiful daughter who is now 3yo. We have had a great relationship, always been open and affectionate to each other. Around the time our daughter was about a year and a half I began to notice some changes in my wife and all of those things stopped. I had suspected she was dealing with postpartum depression after she gave birth and we talked about getting her some help...she agreed but never did. As time went on she was less and less her normal self. She seemed so depressed but would never allow me to help or take action on her own even though she agreed she was going through something. When our daughter was just a baby, none of my wife’s close friends had kids yet and were always getting together and hanging out. My wife felt left out and maybe even resentful. She began playing games on her phone. The game “life after”. I tried it with her but wasn’t for me. Soon this game took over her life and it bothered me. I was being neglected. Our daughter was being neglected. I voiced this concern to her numerous times. She would say that the people she plays online with have become her new friends since her girls didn’t include her in anything . Her friends would actually call me and ask me why she had been shutting them out. Looking back I should have shut it down a long time ago.

My wife is beautiful but very self conscious. She started to lose weight really fast and I noticed how little she would eat. She would play this game every second of everyday and never leave bed (except for work). She began chatting in Discord with the other players. This too became an addiction. Eventually I was completely tuned out. I mean, I could have a conversation with her and she wouldn’t hear a word. The same went for our daughter. It made me sad and I let her know it. But there was always an excuse or an “I’m sorry”. I felt like she hated me. I would ask her if she loved me or if there was something she was unhappy about. She would always act like everything was good. For almost a year and a half I felt alone in my own home. We weren’t intimate anymore. She didn’t want to do date nights or even anniversaries. I would get her out of the house but I could tell she was miserable.

Because I had never had any trust issues with her until now I chalked her actions up to depression...what a fool. About 3 months ago I got a weird message from this fake FB account. It said, how much for a night with your wife....I blocked the person and told my wife. She was uneasy about it. A few weeks later I get another message from another fake profile. Right before I blocked the profile two words caught my attention “life after “ . It was the game she plays. I responded and the person shared with me everything my wife had been doing for over a year. I saw nude pics (a lot) and sexual messages with things she had never said to me. There were a lot of “I love you’s” and “you own me”. My heart sank. She was laying right next to me as I’m seeing all of this. But here’s the kicker...the person sending me the message was a guy she previously cheated with through the game and was jealous she had moved on to another guy. He wanted to ruin her life as he felt like she had broken his heart... wow. I confronted her as she stuttered through whatever bs she could come up with. A rollercoaster of emotions hit me. I was all over the place and made her leave the house. I went downhill for a solid week just trying to process it all. She came home one day so we could talk about it. She told me that she felt like we were at a standstill and also she was feeling bad about herself and needed some validation. She assured me I did nothing wrong and that she messed up. Then tells me she was trying to get away from the guy because he was psychotic and had to play along or he was going to send all the info between them to her family and friends (which he did). I told her it was all crap and that’s all just excuses. She could have just talked to me if she felt like there was something missing in her life or our marriage.

I told her what really bothered me was the fact that she did not mention the current guy one time. What she didn’t think about was that the hand me down iPad out daughter uses is signed into her apple account. I went into settings while she was gone and pulled everything I could find. I saw it all. She told me they had ended things to work on their marriages....but in reality his wife just caught him first. I told her I wanted a divorce and she freaked out. She wanted to work through it and go to counciling. I eventually decided that I would give it a shot but knew it would be a long hard road. Because of the loss of trust I have turned into a PI. I spy on her all the time trying to see what she’s doing. I have caught her in conversations with the last guy again and it wasn’t the same talk but still flirty. I flipped out on her. Banned her from everything and told her I was gone. She freaked out again and begged me not to go. I asked her if there was some underlying reason she wanted me to stay because if you want a marriage to work then you better give it all you got. I do want to try to work it out but I can’t keep going on like this. Any thoughts or opinions?...there are some breaks in the story but I didn’t want to keep rambling

I’m sorry to you. You deserve better as does your young daughter.

Google affair fog. That is where your wife is. She’s cheated and is still cheating.

The best you can do is protect yourself from living under the cloud of infidelity. The 180 (google it) is your best choice to protect you and your daughter.

Depression did not cause this. Insecurity did not cause this. Boredom or feeling unloved or post partum issues did not cause this.

This was caused by your wife’s Choices. Period.

You now need to financially protect yourself. You need to make sure she cannot drain bank accounts or sell off assets. You must be one step ahead of her.

I wish you the best and realize that cheaters will stop at nothing in some cases to get what they want.

Your wife is seriously depressed.

Stays in bed all day

Neglects husband

Neglects child

Addicted to games

Gets high from online sex

Can’t seem to stop.

You can’t go forward until she gets some serious therapy.

In the meantime be sure your child is getting enough nurturing. These years are her building blocks for how she sees the world.

Thank you for that! I will definitely look into it. I have been going to a therapist myself recently because I just need to get things off my chest or I will explode. My therapist gave me a list of some good lawyers and suggest I set up a consultation with them. I think I will do so this week.

I’m just at a point where I cannot do anything for her she has to do it for herself whether we are together or not. I’ve given all I can give and I’m exhausted. My daughter is the only thing keeping me going and is the biggest joy of my life.

You should proceed. D can always be stopped, but she needs to see you are serious. Detach as well. Do what you need to do for you and your daughter. 3 is an amazing age too - right when their language is exploding! My niece that I helped raise turned 4 this year and I would like her to stop growing so fast...It really is an amazing age with your child. Cherish that.

- Cats

I'm sorry that you're here, your WW is a SERIAL CHEATER, I always suggest D when it comes to those, however if you still want to give R a shot, here's some of the basics:

1) EXPOSURE, expose her As (the new guy as well) with ALL family and close friends and of course OBS (Other Betrayed Spouses) WITHOUT WARNING (very important), typically the other POSOM will drop your WW like a bad habit in order to save his own M. Nothing kills an A faster than FULL EXPOSURE.

2) Demand she sends an NC FOREVER text to all OMs, short and to the point (no sweet goodbyes).

3) Demand FULL on demand access to her phone and ALL electronic devices and passwords FOREVER, no questions asked.

4) Demand she gets tested for STDs (you should too), you don't know if she ever met with any of her APs or if this was her first rodeo, typically As begin online but then APs plan to meet in person for sex.

5) Consult an attorney to know your legal options, knowledge is power, ask the attorney about a postnuptial agreement in case she cheats again in the future (no alimony/spousal support and she doesn't touch your retirement).

6) Demand she goes to IC to find out her "whys", forget MC for the time being.

If she refuses any of the above then just file for D (it can be stopped at any time if she comes around), others will chime in with more advice, keep posting frequently, the collective wisdom of SI could help you go through this difficult situation.

Ok talk to the lawyer, regardless what she says get tested for STDs and STIs. Also get a DNA test on the little one.

She has really had no consequences for the infidelity. She is very sorry she was caught and that she can’t communicate to her on line friends. I am unsure is it was a EA or a PA. There is a lot more to this. Hard 180 now but dig deeper.

One day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 2:46 AM, November 8th (Sunday)]

She told me they had ended things to work on their marriages....but in reality his wife just caught him first.

Cheaters lie a lot. I’d bet his wife doesn’t know a thing. Tell her without warning your wife.

Google serial cheater. This is your wife and what you’re dealing with.

Get STD testing immediately.

Stay away from marriage counseling. Your marriage isn’t the problem your wife is.

Here's a link to the 180. It's from The Healing Library in the yellow box in the upper left corner:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/understanding-the-180.asp

That being said, your wife needs a hard pull up. Here's how to do just that. It will also help YOU clear your head so you can start making rational decisions about YOUR life and your daughter's life moving forward.

*A hard 180 for starters. Don't act butt hurt. Just withdraw. Do it now.

*Stop sleeping in the same bed. Either kick your WS out of the bedroom (this is preferable as YOU didn’t wander) or you move into another room for the time being.

*Stop providing physical affection. You can always receive affection, if you want, but you can also simply not initiate affection. They'll get the message.

*Stop having sex with her.

*Cook for you and your kids only. Or maybe stop cooking for a few weeks, say you're tired and just order takeout.

*Start arranging for social outings in the evening in the middle of the week without her.

*Get a new wardrobe.

*Exercise regularly - hit a 24 hour gym with a good weight room and do it at night after the kids are asleep. It's a great stress reliever and gets you out of the house away from WS.

*Go on a trip without your WS (or just take a Saturday and go off in the woods or something by yourself).

*Stop sitting on a couch and watching movies or TV with your WS.

*Stop living in your WS’s world. Start living in yours.

It's a place to start. You can mitigate it if your wife comes out of the fog (google "affair fog"). If not, just go full D. As other's have said above, you can always stop it, but you need to get it going. your wife hasn't seen any possible consequences to her straying from your marriage (ans stray she did, even if it wasn't a PA). Much wiser minds will be along to give you better/more advice, but that's a place to start.

the person shared with me everything my wife had been doing for over a year. I saw nude pics (a lot) and sexual messages with things she had never said to me. There were a lot of “I love you’s” and “you own me”. My heart sank. She was laying right next to me as I’m seeing all of this. But here’s the kicker...the person sending me the message was a guy she previously cheated with through the game and was jealous she had moved on to another guy. He wanted to ruin her life as he felt like she had broken his heart.

I am afraid you have no marriage to save. There is no fault on your part. Your wife is broken and she will always chase the attention of other men.

Cheating of this nature is an addiction and a kink. She will always get off on lying and cheating on you because it gives her pleasure. She enjoys the power she has over other men. She exercises this power through seduction and sex.

You can expect she will promise you the world and deliver none of it. Let her go/divorce. Do not let her self destruct and drag you and your child down with her.

Hi Greenjk, sorry you are here!

There were a lot of “I love you’s” and “you own me”.

She is way too deep in this brother!

Are these men live in the same area/city as you are?! If yes, there is a huge possibility she went physical with them!

Two things are important for you to understand: Your WW (Wayward wife) doesn't respect you nor does she honor her marriage vows, these two are one of the top foundation of any marriage, lose it and you got nothing!

This is a list you really need to do to start getting you life back on track (with or without her):

- Do not offer your gift of R (reconciliation) to you wife. R if a gift you offer, don't do it right away!

- Start the 180 (https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/understanding-the-180.asp)

- Stop having sex with her or sleep in the same bed (she needs to sleep in another room not you).

- Get a new wardrobe, hit the gym, dress and smell nicely at home even if you don't plan to go out!

- Go out with friends or alone and come home late happy and smiling, don't tell her where you went or what you did (Fake it until you make it)

- Consult with a lawyer to see how things look like in case you want to take the D (divorce) route.

- Get STD/STI test for both of you

- DNA your daughter, even if you know %100 she is yours, but it sends a very strong message to your WW (Wayward wife) about how deep she destroyed your trust, it's a slap in the face!

These actions are important if you plan to R (reconcile).

She will see that she is losing her M (marriage) and you, she will go crazy and do a lots of lip service to you, that's to be expected, what you want is actions (actions speak louder than words)!

If she gives you some lip service (How much she loves you, committed to fixing the marriage, will be faithful ..Etc), looking at her dead in the eye and say:

There is nothing to work on until you fix yourself through IC (individual counseling) and know why you did what you did to betray me, then I will decide if it's worth the effort to build a new marriage, because you murdered the current one!

Warning: do not make the mistake BHs (betrayed husbands) do by going to marriage counseling, it will be damaging because they often blame you the BS (betrayed spouse) and try to rug sweep the affair!

IC first until she understands and fixes her issues THEN do MC (marriage counseling)

BTW, I personally don't believe is such a thing called the FOG, I don't believe in some kind of a foreign power that took over your wife and she lost control of her self or became helpless. Your wife took a series of decisions to betray you, followed by actions, constantly making those decisions and actions every day!

Your wife is not that special any more, other men online saw her nude pictures, they now know every part of her body, the thing that was reserved for you only is long gone!

You need to work on yourself regardless if you R or D. Be the best version of yourself, become Greenjk version 2.0.

But if you value yourself then divorce is the correct route in infidelity situations, move on with your life and co-parent. You will find a much better women (Loving, caring, and faithful).

I just wanted to respond to all of you. First off, thank you all for the support. All of the things you have said have been weighing on my mind. I feel like even though she has been making an effort I cannot tell if it’s genuine and also something still feels off...I think you all confirmed it for me and I am going to see a lawyer......also, I am going to schedule a dr apt and get checked out. As for our daughter I am thankful she is my little twin. She looks exactly like me and I am going to be the best dad I can be to her....I had a rough childhood and her happiness is all I care about. The last few weeks I have been trying to pull myself together and find me and what I want. It’s hard when your self worth/esteem has been stripped from you. My best friend is going through a divorce and we have been meeting every week for dinner to catch up and just support each other. I’ve been working out a lot and eating better. I take our daughter everywhere (zoo, fishing, atv rides, beach, park and daddy daughter lunches). I’m done with beating myself up about this and know I deserve happiness. I may not be a perfect husband but I gave my all. If that is not enough then it’s not meant to be. My only thought now is how does someone you have known for so long live a secret life like this. It cannot be full filling now matter how exciting it may be. I honestly feel sorry for her. It’s kind of sad.

All of the things you have said have been weighing on my mind. I feel like even though she has been making an effort I cannot tell if it’s genuine and also something still feels off.

You feel like she is not genuine in her attempts, and she is not doing it for you, but doing it to not lose her safety net and her provider? is that what you feel?

You don't feel true love from her? it's like all this is an act?

I am going to schedule a dr apt and get checked out

Not just you, she needs to go as well, consequences!

As for our daughter I am thankful she is my little twin. She looks exactly like me and I am going to be the best dad I can be to her.

She is %100 you daughter for sure, but as I said doing a DNA test is to send a clear message to your WW on how deep the trust was broken!

remember All the action list (DNA test, 180, Gym, going out, new wardrobe, dressing nice in house and out ..Etc) is to show your WW consequences!

Even if your goal is to R, your WW must face consequences!

Don't let her get out of this scot-free!

I always strongly advise that BH to file for divorce, because it's a long process it will set a time frame for the WW to seek professional help and fix her issues and take this process seriously. It also shows her you mean business, and you are not welling to accept half measures!

It is a good plan to file for D to push for genuine reconciliation if R is your goal, there will be a hard line set, no room for her to slack, if she doesn't fix her issues or willing to take this R process seriously then you already have filed and your're closer to the exit, it's a win/win situation for you at the end!

It’s hard when your self worth/esteem has been stripped from you.

I think your self worth is still there because you said:

- I was being neglected. Our daughter was being neglected

- I felt like she hated me.

- For almost a year and a half I felt alone in my own home. We weren’t intimate anymore.

- She didn’t want to do date nights or even anniversaries.

You have been treated like crap for a year and a half, did you step out? did you cheat?

No you didn't, you remained faithful and loyal to your family!

If it was someone else with low self esteem he could have started and affair or had flings with other women, but you didn't!

Why?

Because you are a man with moral values!

You should be proud of yourself, you're being honest and faithful, caring and loving!

Do you know how many women will kill for a man like you?!

You are the prize and you have no idea!

Treat yourself as the prize, walk with pride, dignity and respect, know yourself worth, and know that many women would love and kill to be with a man like you!

She, your wife is the one who lost a good faithful husband, she has to move mountains to get to you now!

It's good you have a friend you can confide with, don't forget to get support from other friends and family, don't walk alone on this path!

Remember to expose her infidelity to her family and friends, show her consequences!!

One last thing!

Important: Try to see if any of her nude pictures was posted on the internet, you can google search by pictures (not just text), if you find any thing show her the damage she has done to herself and family!

Last thing, maybe you didn't see it in my previous post:

Are these men live in the same area/city as you are?!

[This message edited by Kaliber at 10:38 AM, November 8th (Sunday)]

Thank you for that. You don’t know how much that lifted my spirits....her family and mine know and also her friends. The first guy shared everything with them the same way he did with me. They have all been very supportive of me and check on me regularly. This has caused her to be even more of a hermit. ....the second guy, who I think she still talks to is 2 hours down the road. I do travel out of town for work sometimes and also work the family farm when I can (it was my dads who passed away). It is highly possible they have met up when I was away and our daughter at her grandmothers.

It looks like this is all pretty new to you.

Take some deep breaths. I urge you to go for the best answer for you and your daughter, and that may not be the quickest.

I think you're right in first understanding what you want. If you really want D and only D, you'll more than make up the decision time when you start to implement it.

If you want R, the next question is whether or not your W is a good candidate. From what you write, maybe she is, maybe she isn't, so you'll need some time to figure that out. It certainly looks like your W is depressed. That really could have impacted her behavior, and treating her depression could make R fully doable for you.

The thing is: start with yourself. I know your W has mistreated you. I know she betrayed you. I know you're in sad, angry, scared, ashamed. The way to heal is to focus on yourself and to feel your feelings.

Figure out what you want without considering what your W did or didn't do. Consider your W's part in your life after you know what you want.

Above all breathe, drink lots of water. Move your body. Eat healthfully. Attend to your own feelings - you may be depressed, too. And have faith in yourself to heal.

I recommend some reading:

1) https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250 - Things Every WS Needs to Know - this is a guide to how a remorseful WS behaves. If it makes sense to you, I recommend printing it off and giving it to your W to read as 'something you found one the web.' If possible, discuss it with her. If not, my reco is to tel her that's what you're looking for.

Do not tell her about SI - keep it for yourself.

2) NOT "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass

Again, have faith in yourself to get through this and find joy again. Being etrayed is much more painful than you think it is, and it takes longer to recover than anyone wants it to, but you can heal.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:04 PM, November 8th (Sunday)]

.the second guy, who I think she still talks to is 2 hours down the road. I do travel out of town for work sometimes and also work the family farm when I can (it was my dads who passed away). It is highly possible they have met up when I was away and our daughter at her grandmothers.

yea 2 hours is nothing. They could easily meet half way in the time that you might think she is out shopping. With him that close and "owning her" I would have to proceed under the assumption they have been together physically until she can prove otherwise. If you know his wife's name and contact or can find it then please do that. You want to have another set of eyes on this and a good dose of cold water to your wife's passion might come when he throws her under the bus when his wife finds out. Don't trust at all that she knows unless you hear it directly from her. if you don't know how to contact her you can find her pretty quickly if you have his name and contact info and some Internet skill. Otherwise a PI could find her really easily. Then you should talk to her yourself. Do not trust a message and do not warn your WW you are going to do it. She will warn the AP and then you will be discredited and blocked.

I really think the three best things you could do right now is put the 180 into practice, file for Divorce and tell the AP's wife all that you know. Your WW needs to have a wake up call and if she doesn't come around to your satisfaction just follow through with the Divorce and put this woman behind you.

My only thought now is how does someone you have known for so long live a secret life like this. It cannot be full filling now matter how exciting it may be.

There is a huge difference from the woman you thought you married vs the woman you actually married. She has always been this way. The persona you fell in love with merely the snare to drawn you into a committed relationship. Take a look at your wife's actions not whatever she says. She has shown you who she really is. Believe her and part ways.

It is excellent that the fool she used previously outed her behavior to everyone especially her family. That robs her of the opportunity to spin the narrative and blame you for anything and everything she can.

the second guy, who I think she still talks to is 2 hours down the road. I do travel out of town for work sometimes

She may or may not continue on with this man. She is exposed and unsure about whether or not you will stay. If she is completely reckless sure she will go to him. If she is crafty she will leave him on the back burner while she does damage control. If you choose to leave this fool will be left to twist in the wind. As I posted earlier she derives pleasure from betraying you. There is no pleasure if you do not care about her or who she is seeing.

Would strongly suggest you get into place some sort of separation as quickly as possible. She has little left to lose and you should not dismiss the possibility of false allegations made against you. Avoid intimacy/sex with her and keep a voice activated recorder with you at all times. Once you have separated restrict communication with her, txt or email only (easy to document) to matters of childcare and the pending divorce. Avoid meeting her in person without a witness or a VAR.

I would not offer her any pointers on what any WS needs to do. It will be of little use to her. Why? She has to actually care about you and the marriage for any of that information to be useful. Considering all you have discovered and seen I would say that is very unlikely. She is not sorry or remorseful about betraying you she is sorry that she has been caught. She likes what you provide as far as stability and appearances. If she really cared for you she wouldn't need to chase after sex and thrills outside of your marriage. No one man will ever be enough for her.

I would suggest you research narcissistic behavior. Specifically covert narcissism. See how closely her behavior matches what is documented.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 4:23 PM, November 8th (Sunday)]

How you approach this situation will depend on whether you want D or R. But, either way, she needs to go to IC. That’s because even if you D her, she is still your child’s mother. And it’s your child best interest that your WW gets out of whatever it is that she has... Depression? Game addiction? I don’t know, but a therapist can help her.

R or D will get you out of Infidelity and that’s your goal.

If you are deadset on D, you don’t really need to dig more, just make sure you have a D agreement that is best for you and your daughter. Keep on seeking support with your friends and family.

If you are thinking of R, you will need to set some non-negociable conditions. IC, a full timeline that will be verified with a poly. Full access to all electronic devices and no more games. You would need more conditions but that’s a good start.

Post often, we will help and reply as often as you need.

You all have given me a lot to think about and I really need to get a game plan up. Either way the best thing to do is consult a lawyer...There is no doubt that trust is gone and I will never fully know everything that she has actually done over the course of our marriage. It’s all so disappointing. As far as the other guys wife....I can confirm she knows. I saw while snooping that she attempted to call her multiple times. I read messages where she went off (I enjoyed that). However, I doubt she knows they have been in touch recently. I have his wife’s contact and feel like giving her a call or reaching out.