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Your initial reaction was a natural one, and my take on it is:

The BS had suffered an huge injustice caused by the WS A(s).

This 'injustice' will never be 'balanced out', and it stays in the person in one way or another (some feel sadness, some feel anger, etc). We can fool ourselves that we are completely ambivalent to the APs, but am sure that the WS would have felt a millisecond of emotion when they are informed of the status of their ex-APs, then the internal programming kicks in, and that emotion disappears. WS are human.

The BS will also feel that the AP has 'gotten away' with no consequences, and the BS feels helpless.

Try as BS would like, this will never disappear, nor will it be completely forgotten, even though it is forgiven.

So, as a result of that, your 'happiness' that you initially felt, would have been remnants of that primal feeling of the scales getting a bit more 'balanced' in your favour.

Does this make yo a bad person? Nope, not in my books. It makes you human.

..AP is DEAD.. GOD gave him a brain tumor... sent him to HELL where satin will burn his soul for all eternity.

Ask me if it makes me happy!

I'd be fibbing if I said 'no'...

I do hope his two sons learned something..

smy

Well call me an asshole if you must, but if the son of a bitch gets the most painful form of bone cancer, it will be well deserved! I would not give 2 shits and be glad it was him! Karma is a bitch!

The BS will also feel that the AP has 'gotten away' with no consequences, and the BS feels helpless.

Try as BS would like, this will never disappear, nor will it be completely forgotten, even though it is forgiven.

Maybe the above is true for some, or even most...but I don’t believe you can state it as a universal truth.

I don’t wish ill / harm on the woman my FWH had sex with. Nor would I relish that it happened to her. She did nothing to me - my HUSBAND is the one who owed me loyalty / faithfulness. (I do understand that some of the APs did owe the BS loyalty - as with best friends , etc.)

Do I approve of her occupation (prostitute)? Absolutely not.

Did she probably see my H’s wedding band? Yes.

Would I wish her harm for what she did? Hell no.

Would I be happy if harm came to her? No.

It is not my place to impose my opinions / feelings on anyone. I feel it is also not anyone’s place to suggest that all of us would take pleasure if misfortune or even death came to another human being.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 11:48 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)]

Maybe the above is true for some, or even most...but I don’t believe you can state it as a universal truth.

I don’t wish ill / harm on the woman my FWH had sex with. Nor would I relish that it happened to her. She did nothing to me - my HUSBAND is the one who owed me loyalty / faithfulness. (I do understand that some of the APs did owe the BS loyalty - as with best friends , etc.)

WhatsRight, maybe you are right regarding the part about the AP 'getting away' with it, but it would be folly to forget. Why I say this, is that once we forget, we can do the same thing wrong (or right) again. We learn from our experiences.

I am in no way saying that the BS should celebrate the demise/downfall of their WSs AP, but it would also be folly to say that it is wrong to have such feelings.

Do we act on them? No, it would not be the 'right' thing to do. Fundamentally, you are correct in that it is the WS that betrayed the BS, not the AP.

Do we hold a grudge against the AP(s) at the detriment of our own progress? No, as that will harm ourselves on the long run.

So, what do we do then? Recognise the feelings, and learn to deal/manage them.

Also, please do not read my earlier post as a directive. It is not meant to be one.

Perhaps the word 'will' can be substituted for 'could' instead, if it will read better that way.

I still wish hateful shit on my XWW & her AP.

I enjoy it.

I would be enthralled to learn that his AP suffered a stroke, covid, car wreck or whatever.

I might be going to hell in gasoline panties for thinking this way but that's how I feel.

RocketRacoon...Thanks for your response. It helped me understand your position.

However, “not forgetting” is not NECESSARILY the same as wishing ill will. Just speaking for myself, I do not agree that “it would be folly to say that it is ‘wrong’ to celebrate a person’s downfall / demise”.

So, what do we do then? Recognise the feelings, and learn to deal/manage them.

I totally get this. ^^^^^ I do also believe that is understandable, but in addition to learning to deal with / manage them, we should also strive to overcome them. JMHO.

Easier said than done.

Thanks again for your response. It really helped me understand your viewpoint. It is certainly not my place to suggest how anyone processes this trauma in their lives. And I fall short of my own expectations on a daily basis.

I’m going to step off this thread. It is such a visceral topic, and I totally get that some people here are venting, and some people just simply have totally different viewpoints than myself.

My hope for everyone is that we each find a place with our own thoughts and emotions, that we can feel good about as we heal. Whatever that place may be for each of us.

Be well.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 10:25 AM, November 19th (Thursday)]

I hear what you guys are saying. That initial positive response shocked me. I am not normally like that. She was the guilty party. He did not even know me. That is why I was so surprised. If it was AP4, I would understand more because he was a friend. He lived with us for a short while. If it was him, and I responded like that I can see it. I still would be disappointed in myself but I can rationalize it more. His betrayal with my wife cut more deeply.

Sorry.....I have the fantasy of posting all the nudes pics she sent my husband for a year and a half at her childrens weddings......Full screen at the reception. Believe me, it would be a frightening sight. The thought of this makes me smile. I'll let God judge me on this one.

William M,


If bad things were to happen to my WW past AP?


What ever do you speak of…..I hope of nothing but the best for everyone, like the best he wished for me. He cannot help what he is no more than water can help being wet. I can think of several examples which I would help this poor misguided individual.


1.If on a cold icy night on a long stretch of rural highway, sleet trying to freeze up my windshield, should I see him walking without a coat, soaked, shaking because his car(the one he likes to go parking in, I know these things) broke down I would……….stop wait for him to start moving fast towards my truck and even pull up to a dryer spot a few times so he wouldn’t slip on the ice. After he made it, I would ask him to get in the bed because, well, he is wet and my seats are dry (and he seems to want what is in my bed). Once he gets in the bed of the truck I would drive as fast as I could to get him help, not just help but the best help I could find no matter how many repairs shops I have to pass to get to that help.


2.We all heard the saying ‘I won’t piss him if he was on fire’. Not true for me, I would piss on him. In fact, I would drink beer and watch him burn awhile to make sure he really needed help and I could piss a bunch. I am about helping.


3.[Edit: no politics]


4.And I would for sure give him a courteous response from my raising: ‘Well bless you heart”


Thank you for the outlet! I me almost all of this in humor. really.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:08 PM, Friday, November 20th]

MY WH's affair partner got hooked on drugs and lost a really really good job.

When he was in the throes of his affair he used to tell me how smart she was, and how great her job was and blah blah blah.

It makes me smile to know that this happened to her. Does it make me a bad person? I don't know. Maybe.

The guy my ex ran off with had a construction business. We lived in a town of about 60,000 (one where everyone knows everyone and gossips...) and when it got around what had happened his business dried up completely. He ended up working as a roofing assistant for a friend of his. I'm sure his wife soaked him in the divorce. It made me feel great!

BTW, someone on this board once said if they came across the AP on fire, they wouldn't even bother pissing on them. I kinda feel the same way.

I’m a good person. Simultaneously, I can pray for their salvation and want them to meet their Maker soon.

HollowHurt you have a private message.

Since my fiancé cheated with random men from one-night hookups the AP was never the real issue for me. I doubt she told them until too late that she was in a relationship and only wanted a one-time hookup.

I have sometimes wondered about how our lives progressed.

At the time we were together we were both young and ambitious. She had her own beauty/hair salon with a good friend, and they were expanding and getting busier every month. She was attending courses, conferences and all that to keep up to date and a consummate professional. I was already a couple of years further than normal in the pecking-order as a young law enforcement officer. Financially we were organized and had big plans for the future.

After walking in on her and a lover in the act I was right away 100% committed to ending the relationship. Since we only rented, and the apartment was in her name it was easy; I took my stuff and left. A couple of bills we had to clear but that was it.

She wanted to try again and pleaded with me for some time, as did her best friend, her co-owner, her dad and her mom. But I guess I spent about 4 hours in her presence after d-day. That was it. I would run into her occasionally at a mall or in the street or if I passed by the salon, but it was seldom and no contact.

About 2 years later I left that city and sort of lost all touch with her.

I didn’t stay long in the police. About 5 years after d-day I totally changed career. I still believe I had that drive and ambition we both shared and I have had a great and varied career, met a fantastic woman who is my wife, have a fantastic family, good house and generally a good, comfortable life. My wife and I have comparable backgrounds; raised in blue-collar families with emphasis on family, work-ethic and education. Just like my former fiancé. I think that background might be what got us to where we are.

Like I said previously: I lost all touch with my ex, but about 8-10 years ago I met her dad. He’s a great guy and maybe the only one that could have swayed me to try again (I got the feeling that when he did talk to me at the time he understood why I was doing what I did). We had a coffee and shared stories.

She lost her salon (more about that later) a few years after I left. She started drinking too much. She was twice divorced, with violence and infidelity in both relationships. Her son was a dropout living at home (the granddad shook his head) and they were living off benefits in a house he (the father) provided. Basically as far from the dreams and ambitions we had shared all those years ago.

Some time later when I was in my home-city I dropped in on the salon. Her former friend is still the owner and has prospered over the years. She told me that she had to sit down with my ex and talk about the future of the salon, because she was becoming more and more unreliable and erratic. Eventually she was bought out of the salon and became a paid employee but was later fired because the quality of her work dropped. The owner told me that as a friend it had been tough, but everyone that knew my ex had seen her deteriorate step-by-step. She also told me that my ex had never acknowledged that what she did was in any way wrong and blamed me for breaking her heart in a cruel way.

What do I take from this?

I don’t think people that cheat – be it WS or OP – are necessarily evil or insane or doomed to misery.

I don’t think my former fiancé was doomed to her fate because she cheated. I think that at the time she had two options: she could decide that she was right and the world wrong and continue battling it, or she could decide that she was doing something wrong and decide to remedy it. Irrespective of if I was in her future or not.

If done correctly – If she had realized her errant behavior – and if applied correctly then I wouldn’t be surprised if she was still a successful, prosperous and ambitious salon-owner and PROBABLY a fantastic wife in a good marriage. Heck… She might even be an anonymous former WW sharing and helping the wayward here on SI!

But that’s only when we acknowledge our shortcomings and search for ways to make amends and changes.

Thank you for that response Bigger. I dont feel like a bad person, but I do feel that I had a bad moment and that I had thoughts that were not according to who I want to be. I needed to process my immediate reaction on that moment when I felt a bit of satisfaction hearing that someone had a stroke. Yes, he was an AP of my wife but a stroke is a tragic, life altering event. My father had a stroke and I help my mother care for him for the remainder of his life. I should not have felt any satisfaction in that. I should have been like my wife who was indifferent about it. It felt wrong to feel that way, even for a few seconds. I did talk to my wife about it and her response was to apologize for ever bringing any of these men into our lives. She said she felt sadness, not because of him, but because he has two kids, now young adults that will have to alter their lives to care for him (he was not married at the time and we are not sure he is married now). That makes sense to me.

For me, the worse POSOMs life is, the more I like it. I hope he dies a horrible, painful, slow death. And I hope his pain starts today! Fuck him.

My WS was another person's ap. Was yours? If you wish bad things on your WS's ap, are you OK with the OBS wishing bad things on your WS?

Just askin'....

Having said that without being sure of my answer, much less yours, wishing pain on someone else is different from from schadenfreude, IMO.

Feeling good about ap's misfortune, not a problem for me. Seems pretty normal.

If I drove by ow in a bad rain or snow storm, I wouldn't offer her a ride. If she needed to use a cell phone, it wouldn't be mine. If she were on fire, I might call 911. If she won a lottery jackpot, I might be upset.

But she doesn't take up much of my energy. She's obviously in my head, but I think of her only when a thread like this comes up.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:08 AM, November 20th (Friday)]

Since my fiancé cheated with random men from one-night hookups the AP was never the real issue for me.

Similar here. How can I be mad at an escort? At women he chased but didn't catch (example - hitting on and asking out the much younger girl he contracted to help with his payroll - who was just trying to do her job and didn't ask to be perved on)? At randos from bars that didn't know me or owe me anything?

There was a time when I was mad at Payroll Girl for not pushing back and telling him he was gross - but she was really just trying to do her job. I'm a woman in a male dominated industry. I understand that sometimes you smile politely when what you really want to do is roll your eyes. She never actually accepted his advances.

I was incensed at the yoga instructor he went home with - picked up in a bar whike he was out of town - but he told her he was getting divorced. He didn't tell her anything about how he was keeping me on the hook, still sleeping with me - what did she know but what he told her?

I do still feel a bit of animosity at the girl he made out with while downtown after a football game who mockingly touched his ring and said, "Remember your girl?" This "girl" was at home with her newborn at the time, while he was drunk and making out with this woman who clearly saw he was married. I mean, i wouldn't cry if her husband makes out with someone else one day but realistically I know nothing about her and she could be anyone.

There's not really an AP to be mad at. It was always him, no seductress tempting him to sin.