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If his and his parent's dysfunctional behavior have been discussed in MC, maybe the MC can recommend an IC for him that coordinates with the MC. Colleagues that have been given permission to discuss information so that IC isn't a waste of time. Has the MC been told about the lying to the prior IC? I found out my WH was lying to our MC during his individual sessions - making his family seem fairly functional because of his father's public occupation required being exceedingly honest & trustworthy and my family life a source of abandonment paranoia due to my father being "absent" - my FIL was physically present, but emotionally detached - my dad was a strong, stable parent that died a decade earlier and my WH somehow gave the MC the idea/"fact" that he abandoned us and was still living. Waywards (WW) will spin whatever narrative to make them seem like the victim.

If your WH has a history of lying to therapists, I wouldn't waste money on IC until he shows a genuine interest in changing himself and is ready to be honest. Even the best IC in the world won't be able to help him if he refuses to be honest and doesn't see a need to change.

Dealing with a WS that is not remorseful is incredibly difficult! I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

My WH has shown zero remorse since I confronted him on 2Jan21 for his emotional and physical affair. When a WP does this, it is their way of not accepting responsibility and wrong doing, or even doing a little rug sweeping. It is difficult to admit when you mess up and cause someone such severe stress, and not everyone can admit to their mistakes. What makes me so angry about my WH is that he can't even acknowledge the pain he's caused. Sounds like your WS can't acknowledge this either.

Emotional affairs are just as painful as physical affairs. If WPs knew how it truly feels, they'd never do it!

If WPs knew how it truly feels, they'd never do it!

They would still do it b/c they are that selfish!!!

They know the pain they cause. They just don’t care.

@Venus1: I'm sorry to hear that your WH shows no remorse for his emotional and physical affair. It's so infuriating. How difficult is it to just say "I am deeply sorry that I hurt you, you didn't deserve that, I take full responsibility and guarantee that it will never happen again." Instead of minimization, gaslighting, excuses, blaming everyone but themselves... Pure selfishness and protecting their own self esteem.

I strongly believe that even when they know how it feels, they'd still do it. They're hypocrites. My WH was cheated on by his ex-fiance. So he knows how painful it is to be betrayed by your partner. Just because this wasn't physical (though I have my doubts), it's not the same. He gets jealous when I catch up with male friends that I haven't seen for years at social gatherings. He brought that up as false equivalence to what he was doing with AP. Erm... no.

the children comply out of fear

Probably afraid that if he pushes back and has boundaries with them, that they'll target him in some way and "abandon" him. He'll loose the relationship with them even though it is toxic.

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover is another book and there's a free full pdf of it available online. It can give you insight into parts of this dynamic if you want to understand it for your own sanity.

But your WH needs to be the one to recognize that he needs help and needs to change.

Best wishes on your journey

@PurpleMedusa

How difficult is it to just say "I am deeply sorry that I hurt you, you didn't deserve that, I take full responsibility and guarantee that it will never happen again." Instead of minimization, gaslighting, excuses, blaming everyone but themselves... Pure selfishness and protecting their own self esteem.

I CAN SO RELATE TO THIS!!!

Don't get me wrong, I can imagine it would be difficult, impossible even, to tell your spouse that you had an affair. But, once caught, why not have respect for the individual, show a little empathy, compassion and kindness, and just truly apologize? It may not do anything for the wayward, but it does wonders for the betrayed!

No matter how devastating this is and how heartbroken I am right now, I remind myself that he still hasn't apologized or been remorseful. He blames, gaslights, doesn't accept responsibility, is flat out cruel and tries to emotionally manipulate me and make me think it's all my fault. I've been forced into a life I never wanted, and he can't even acknowledge it.

Right now I'm just faking it till I make it and hoping that on my weaker days I can give myself grace to keep moving forward.

@earlydetour:

Probably afraid that if he pushes back and has boundaries with them, that they'll target him in some way and "abandon" him. He'll loose the relationship with them even though it is toxic.

You are spot on! Thank you, I read the first couple of chapters of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and it confirms everything that I concluded. Even as a middle-aged man with a wife and child, he's afraid his father "will disown him". His father still says things like "you are not a good son unless you do XYZ for me." So manipulative and selfish. His mother does this too. I can clearly see that their love for their children is conditional upon them complying and meeting their needs.

My family is by no means perfect, so I misunderstood the "closeness" that the in laws had. At some stage I realized that it's a dysfunctional, codependent, emotionally abusive mess. The in-laws won't treat me with kindness until I submit to them like their children did. And I married their student.

@Venus1:

But, once caught, why not have respect for the individual, show a little empathy, compassion and kindness, and just truly apologize?

Exactly! I don't understand people who are incapable of this. Their defence mechanisms are extreme.

He sounds horrible! I really feel for you. It was in no way your fault. Reading your post, it sounds like our WHs are just reading from the same cheaters playbook. They are so addicted to the flattery from the AP, the self gratification, and are blind to the fact that they already had someone who was willing to love them despite their flaws. You are amazing and strong, and I truly hope that you will find the happiness that you deserve, because I don't think this man is capable of giving you that.