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You came out swinging at people's responses in reconciliation. Wow!

Try to listen first and defend your wife second please. We are trying to help. Let her defend herself. She a weak woman you have to save. If you feel that way, you probably have another issue with knight in shining armor syndrome, where you see women as the fairer sex and buy into too many stories of them not being responsible for their actions.

Also, realize that you can't forgive trespasses that you don't know. Your wife needs to confess to all her actions and see your pain before you 2 can forgive each other and work through it. Otherwise you are swinging at fantasies and false truths in your head which only she has the answers to.

Yes my wife has morals.

You know what she was doing is wrong(immoral). She knows what she was doing is wrong(immoral). Why isn't she out here asking for help on how to heal you from this rage and self doubt?

Let's not try to discuss how great her morals are when after you asked her to stop, she refused.

You also know she is lying and hiding things. One of my favorite Bible quotes, "Pride comes before the fall." That is in all things. Maybe remove your image of your wife's moral armor and try to see how she got into this mess. It started small. Then it grew with each message. She eventually was lying to you. She still is lying to you to spare your feelings. To save you the pain. The problem is, when you confronted her, you pulled either contact with the other guy or your marriage. Your wife chose contact with the other guy. This isn't me bashing her, this is me giving you the facts, unless you clarify further. So, lets say your wife found herself outside her morals, in a relationship with this other man, who she sees regularly. Maybe listen a while and see if you can understand that your wife might have more to her than you know. That just like you are trying to swallow the pain for her, she is doing the same for you. This is only going to brew further resentment inside you marriage.

I came on here for advice not bashing my wonderful gift from God.

I am going to just let this support that you aren't able to see the sin in your wife. Even though we are all sinners. You believe seeing the sin or grime would be rejecting God's gift. Don't tie your relationship to God with other people. That is treading way too close the first commandment in my old testament teachings. Plus, if she ever leaves or fails you, she is taking away your faith and your spouse. That is a lot of pressure to put on a marriage. God can be a foundation, but it is our personal relationship with him that really anchors faith.

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 10:42 AM, June 23rd (Wednesday)]

She still is lying to you to spare your feelings. To save you the pain.

Slight correction here: usually this is what waywards say but the reality is they are lying to protect their own ego, the cocoon of intimacy they are protecting in the affair, and their image in your eyes. The lies shield them from accountability, reality and watching their fantasies crumble.

Typically “your feelings” are the last thing on their mind even if they retroactively claim otherwise.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:28 PM, June 22nd (Tuesday)]

Gently, your W is in the EA. It's her responsibility. She's the only one who can begin it, maintain it, or end it.

You can't control her or her eap. So why are you talking to the eap? Why are you trying to control what she does? How can you keep her pure?

*****

There's R(econciliation) and r(ugsweeping). Your W wants to rugsweep. Reconciliation is hard work. It requires total honesty and looking inside and seeing oneself as one really is - and both of you will have to do that work.

Part of that work requires you to consider ideas that are outside your comfort zone.

What work are you willing to do? What work is your W willing to do?

*****

What are you Feeling? Some of your words are angry, so I know you're feeling that. What else are you aware of?

Are you using anger to avoid other feelings?

*****

R doesn't require forgiveness.

In any case, forgiveness has to be earned to be valuable. What is your W doing to earn forgiveness?

Frankly, continuing contact with an ap is the opposite of earning forgiveness.

*****

What help did you hope to find here?

Gendermale, I have a thought experiment for you. If you read the wayward section here on SI, you'll notice a group of wayward spouses there who are trying very hard to reconcile, own what they did, be accountable and completely transparent. They are also empathetic about the devastation they have caused.

Now watch other waywards show up in that forum and try to BS their way through continuing lies and bad choices. Read how the accountable waywards call them out, how they see right through their tissue thin excuses.

Why do you think that is? Because they've been there. Because they did the same thing. Just like we as betrayeds have been where you are.

Think about your wife in this context showing up in this group of fellow cheaters, sharing her story. How would she fare with them? Would they pat her on the head, or would they cut right through her lies, minimizations and justifications? What do you think they would say about her unblocking her AP? Would they call her out on this nonsense about a year long affair merely being some half baked emotional attachment she thinks you should just be willing to forget?

Be honest with yourself. Think about it.

[This message edited by Thumos at 1:04 PM, June 22nd (Tuesday)]

the reality is they are lying to protect their own ego, the cocoon of intimacy they are protecting in the affair, and their image in your eyes.

I agree, but he isn't going to hear that yet. He is going to hear how she doesn't want to hurt him so she will down play it. It is the guilt/shame that the WS feels for messing up.

Unfortunately, most WS don't have the endurance to own their actions right away. They usually don't realize how tough their BS is, to not leave.

I don't think Gendermale will be back. I could be wrong, and I hope I'm wrong. I hope he read the lengthy 6/21 post by Thumos, which was a spot-on masterpiece.

Gendermale, millions of believers married to believers have been in your shoes before. I don't use the EA label, because an affair is an affair. I'll also go out on a limb and say that most if not all of those in so-called EA's are already guilty of committing adultery in their heart.

I won't criticize you for defending your wife. But please, for your sake, don't minimize this because she wants you to forget about it.

I will tell you that the most devastating pain of my wife's affair was not in its discovery. It was in her lack of complete honesty and transparency after discovery (what folks around here refer to as trickle-truth).