SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first post. I was suggested by a moderator to start here.

We are working on our marriage. I saw her texting him from our hallway and knew they talked but I had a bad feeling. Never thought it before. She went and sat down on the couch and when I stood in front of her she looked up and it was a look of being caught.

Our son left and finally alone I said I have to tell you something and i know you not going to like it. She said I know I won't.

I said this stops now never said his name she got defensive said I need counsel never trusted her. As a believer in Christ I said I'm only protecting and keeping you pure. She said what do I tell him I will be embarrassed. I said while cares take him out of your phone. She would not do it. Next day I got her phone and texted him deleted text and blocked his number. She had unblocked it the next day. I got to checking phone records and as far as I can tell it's been only a year. Text and phone while I'm at work or gone to bed. I have caught her in lies and then got on her work email and they were talking about eating lunch and going for a walk during lunch. She said she thinks he's gay. I went to his house he said he was. I told him to stay away from her and the emails tell a different story. She say it was just friends didn't go eat and walks and was saying 1130 sharp to put him off from going. For seven months he was asking and she had not gone to eat or walks. I told her to go for a walk on the quad at lunch and told me it was to far to go and eat in an hour. He had told her they could walk and eat at his office afterwards. She has said it was wrong and she is sorry. But refuses to admit to anything. Lunch and walks never happened although the emails say different. They only talked about meeting up on work emails. I tried to call him on my work phone and the number has been blocked. How did he know to block the number.

So I just need some one who can relate and help me get over this. I called a counselor he was a jerk who said he was a believer. I doubt it

This is not like her I can't believe this happened but for some reason she says it was nothing and to forget about it. Sometimes people don't get answers.any thoughts?

Brother, I know where you are. Be prepared for things to come out that you never thought would happen.

As a guy who first believed that it was "only" an EA, I discovered two things:

A. The amount of lies that cheaters tell us (and themselves) would rival the words in all 66 books of Scripture.

2. My wife's EA became physical within a week. Your wife has been texting/calling her AP for a year. I'll bet dollars to donuts that it has been physical at some point. Prepare yourself for that bombshell at some point.

We are now 4+ years post D-Day v1.0. My IC, our MC, and I all believe that my wife is still hiding details. It has been a loooooong 4+ years.

My wife, much like yours I'll wager, always thought of herself as the "good girl" and the perfect wife. She is yet to come to the full blown truth that she is just as fallen as anyone else. Until she will admit to you (and to God, for that matter) just how fallen she is, this is going to be an immensely painful experience for you both.

I will send you a PM so that we can talk outside of the forums if you have specific questions you would like answered.

Praying for you, brother. I know the myriad of things you are struggling through. You have come to the right place.

We're here for you.

Went through EA that would have been PA if he had not lived across the country and if I had not caught her.

As Captain said, be prepared for more to come whether you find out for sure it was physical or that there were others.

They ALL want us to "forget about it". That will not happen. You may forgive, but forgetting is out of the question.

Find a different counselor. Go to counseling for yourself and get your head on straight. This has (and will continue to) knocked you for a loop. I'm coming up on 3 years since I caught WW and I'm doubting my decision to R.

Don't do anything in haste, but also do not take her word for anything right now. Be prepared for her to blame you and anyone else who is not her.

Ask her if she has kissed him?

If they were just friends, she'd dump him in a second. The fact that she resists or grieves the loss of contact is evidence that there is a deeper connection that is inappropriate for a married person.

So is his refusal to back off.

It's highly likely that two adults who have a close emotional connection (and opportunity) for over a year - have not escalated to sex.

You both should read: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass.

It's based on studies of couples that experienced infidelity - and how it happened. It recommends ways to protect your marriage and also explains how her 'friend' is sabotaging and undermining your marriage.

You will continue to get good advice. As others have said be prepared for more. The one thing we know is cheaters lie about almost every aspect of the affair. They lie to themselves and that gives them the justification to lie to you. They will stone cold lie without much reaction.

We can only surmise but based on what you’ve told us I would be prepared for more revelations. Doesn’t sound like it was limited to an EA. Adults don’t futz around for a year without having sex. Typically unprotected sex happens within a matter of weeks, if not days, in an affair.

Get a couple of VARs and begin recording in her car and where she puts on makeup.

See an attorney so you at least understand divorce and separation and aren’t blindsided

Ask your WW to write down a timeline of the affair, a long narrative, and then tell her she will need to take a polygraph to verify the timeline.

Ask your WW to take an STD test. If she didn’t have sex, she should have no problem doing this. If she balks you have your answer

Tell her you need her to turn over her phone so you can run retrieval software on it. If she’s unwilling you have your answer.

Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing

There is no “getting over this.” I’m sorry, but that doesn’t happen. Get through it, yes. But your relationship is forever changed. The old marriage is dead and gone.

[This message edited by Thumos at 9:58 AM, June 21st (Monday)]

Read “no more mr. nice guy” and “how to help your spouse heal from your affair”

The first will open your eyes to nice guy syndrome. The second will help you understand what a truly remorseful adulterer needs to do if they want to save what’s left of your marriage.

Proverbs 30:20

And says, “I have done no wrong.”

Proverbs 30:20

“This is the way of an adulterous woman:

She eats and wipes her mouth,

And says, “I have done no wrong.”

Brother, read that. And then read it again.

My wife sat in an MC session about 6 months after D-Day v2.0, looked me dead in the face and said "There is nothing wrong with kissing another man."

It was almost 3 years later before I had any real hope that R could possibly happen.

Her actions have shown you this is deep and she’s not gonna stop. You can’t control this. You block etc then she unblocked.

Most come here wanting to see only an EA because they can’t accept the truth. If they have contact it’s usually a physical affair.

Currently you are only seeing what you want to see.

This isn’t her? Then who is it?

Sorry man but unless you get out of denial this will get much worse.

Hes gay? Laughable. Cheaters lie a lot. That’s all you’re getting.

Better get strong and stay there.

If it were me I’d do full exposure to all friends and family. His too. Especially if he’s married. Don’t worry about pushing her away she’s already gone. You can talk until you’re blue in the face but only your actions will count.

Affairs only thrive in secrecy and the dark.

So sorry for you, mate!
Your wife seems to have no morals. You have done your part in trying to stop her EA but to no avail. She's still deep into her affair fog. She will come to eventually, but I believe it will be too late.
Lots can happen on those daily meetups, if I may say. This is definitely not just an EA.

[This message edited by beb252 at 9:36 AM, Monday, June 21st]

Yes my wife has morals. I came on here for advice not bashing my wonderful gift from God. We have talked about what happened. She knows what she did is wrong. God died for our sins by hanging on a cross. I know my wife and God can forgive her then so can I. Yall don't know her or me. Only what I have written. If you want to bash spouses that made a mistake go to another thread. Not this one

Gendermale, there's a saying we have here about responses to your own threads. Take what you need and leave the rest. You are hurting right now and we understand. It's hard not to take things personally, but seriously, don't.

Hang in there.

As mentioned above, I would definitely keep digging. Your wife is still lying and you definitely don't have the whole truth. It is extremely rare, if ever, for a BS to get the entire truth right away. Most of us never get it.

We are not bashing spouses, we are coming from a collective group with years of experience.

Cheaters lie. They lie some more. Then they lie some more. Sorry, your wife is no different.

I agree there's more to this story than she is willing to admit or you are willing to accept.

You cannot forget about it, she is not worthy of forgiveness now UNLESS you have the entire truth, and without a doubt you only have scratched the surface. The fact that she unblocked him speaks volumes.

Yes my wife has morals. I came on here for advice not bashing my wonderful gift from God. We have talked about what happened. She knows what she did is wrong. God died for our sins by hanging on a cross. I know my wife and God can forgive her then so can I. Yall don't know her or me. Only what I have written. If you want to bash spouses that made a mistake go to another thread. Not this one

Have you checked out "no more mr. nice guy"? The book is a very short read. It's not a how-to guide for becoming an asshole. It's a great read on how to unlock yourself from harmful psychological patterns.

Have you checked out the Christian-oriented book "how to help your spouse heal from your affair" - I guarantee you the Christian author will open your eyes to what a remorseful spouse should be doing. Hint: It's not continuing contact with the AP or trying to pull the wool over your eyes with this "just an EA" minimization.

Lastly, I would recommend "Cheating in a Nutshell" - almost all of these books can be read in an afternoon.

One thing I know about being a Christian and being a betrayed husband: there's a great deal of pressure from the modern church, especially the modern evangelical church, to "forgive" a wayward wife. The problem is that this is actually not a biblical approach (often you'll get nonsense like how you should emulate Hosea) and it amounts to rugsweeping that you will regret years later.

Real forgiveness, including in the Christian sense, requires that the offender show up with full transparency, full accountability, and a readiness to offer true recompense. It requires metanoia.

All too often, the church is pushing "forgiveness" that requires the betrayed spouse to take on their shoulders a form of scapegoating (i.e. accepting blameshifting) and simply swallowing their pain day after day.

If you swallow your pain like this, it will erupt back forth from you as bile.

There's also a very big difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. The two are not the same and should not be conflated or confused as the same thing. They must be worked out separately, sometimes in tandem, but not always or even preferentialy. They are separate phenomena and should be treated as such. To conflate the two is to ensure harmful rugsweeping.

Push for transparency. You can't forgive what you don't know.

If you're not getting transparency, then reconciliation is doomed.

Transparency means: Turn the phone over for retrieval, being able to read as many messages between them as you want, hardline no contact with the affair partner, a detailed written narrative timeline many pages in length that details the affair, a full and complete STD/STI test verified for you, a polygraph to test the veracity of the timeline.

Without these, you don't have much to work with.

There's a huge difference between regret and remorse, as enacted by wayward spouses.

The first is shame and guilt and hiding from what you've done.

The second is metanoia, owning it, digging down on why they did it, and developing deep and abiding empathy for the one they betrayed. Reconciliation requires YEARS of work, and can't be accomplished in a short period of time.

You're only now waking up to the trauma this has inflicted. When the real and primary moral emotion of righteous anger sets in as you learn more and more of the truth -- a primary moral emotion which God not only entitled you to but gifted you with -- you will begin to understand why this takes years, and why you must distinguish between "cheap" vs. "costly" forgiveness (just as Bonhoeffer distinguished between cheap and costly grace).

If your WW is not remorseful through true and authentic and lasting metanoia, then you're not getting any kind of real reconciliation.

If you want to bash spouses that made a mistake go to another thread.

Adultery is not a mistake. Please try to clear this way of thinking from your mind. Adultery is a series of intentional decisions, actions and lies.

A mistake is going to the grocery store and forgetting to pick up baking soda. Adultery involves thousands of intentional, willful actions and decisions such as the following another betrayed spouse outlined:

Initiate contact.

Respond.

Flirt.

Exchange numbers.

Open the phone, navigate to the number.

Write text.

Send text.

Call AP multiple times a day or accept their calls.

Begin forming relationship.

Touch flirtatiously.

Kiss.

Imagine having sex.

Talk about having sex.

Plan where it could happen.

Think of lies to tell spouse.

Figure out how to cover your tracks.

Get ready, get dressed, get in car.

Go to the meetup spot.

Take clothes off.

I came on here for advice not bashing my wonderful gift from God.

We do not know your wife. We do know the patterns repeated by adulterous people, both men and women, over and over. We also know how betrayed spouses feel and respond, over and over.

A sense of defensiveness on behalf of your wife is normal. But I would urge you to put aside the idealized version of the wife you thought you had. The wife in front of you is the real woman, not the one you've had on a pedestal (and pedestalizing is a common thing for husbands to do; we've all done it, so don't beat yourself up).

This is painful but true: She's not the wife you thought you had. The sooner you begin to realize that, the faster you will heal and the more quickly you'll be able to decide what is best for your future mental and physical health.

It's likely this is much more than an EA, which means your wife intentionally and willfully put your physical health in danger to life-threatening disease. At the very least, if it has been physical, she essentially raped you by forcing you to share genital microbiomes with another man. That's ugly and awful, but it's the truth.

I got to checking phone records and as far as I can tell it's been only a year. Text and phone while I'm at work or gone to bed.

I sense here a tendency to go along with minimization. Look, I understand and empathize with this tendency. Who wants to believe the worst? Who wants to be walking around in a waking nightmare?

But brother: A full year is a very long time. A year is in deep. A year is overwhelming limerence, which is why she unblocked him. And a year is all but certain to be a PA, not an EA. Most adulterers, Christian or otherwise, have unprotected sex within a matter of weeks, if not days.

This is not like her I can't believe this happened but for some reason she says it was nothing and to forget about it.

I don't want to keep hammering on this in your traumatized state, but it's important: This is very much like her and very much like other wayward spouses. She wants you to "forget about it" - this is rugsweeping and short of a frontal lobotomy, it is impossible.

This is a bit like a nightmare version of Obi Wan's "these are not the droids you're looking for." It was funny in the movie; it is horrifying in real life. And in any case, you're a living breathing man, not a stupid cardboard Storm Trooper in a movie. These ARE the droids you're looking for, and you can't just "forget about it."

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:43 PM, June 21st (Monday)]

Brother, pay close attention to all that Thumos has written. My wife's A was totally "out of character" in my initial understanding. Eventually, it became obvious that it wasn't "out of character" but rather a series of choices over a lifetime that led her to that point. Would I have ever guessed that she would do what she did? Never in a million years.

My wife talked (and still does) about how much she can't stand liars. And yet she lied initially about her A (giving me a fake name and where she met him) and for over a year about the extent of her A. Out of character? Well, I'm not truly certain that I have the full story even 4 1/2 years later.

Don't be deceived into believing that "it was just...". Let your mind dwell on what Thumos has said. Pray through it. Let the Spirit speak to you about what you need to know more about.

Now I am confused. You're trying to stop your wife's regular lunch out/walks from her EA and you're still claiming your wife has morals?
You are correct that we're only basing what we say based on your story, but please explain why she still has morals when she's still seeing her EA.

Not sure why you're posting in Reconciliation. I get that you may want to reconcile, but your wife at this point wants her cake and to eat it too.

If 2 adults in an EA have physical access to each other, there's zero chance it hasn't gotten physical.

An affair is not a mistake. It’s a decision.

He knew to block your number because your wife told him.

He’s gay is sometimes a cover story,

[This message edited by Marz at 12:59 PM, June 23rd (Wednesday)]

Jesus put himself on a cross to forgive your sins. You are going to put yourself on a figurative one trying to forgive your wife's. It's poetic aside from the unbelievable pain of it all.

Good luck.