Sooooooooo, why in the world would I cancel the polygraph test 2 days before it was scheduled? Crazy, huh?
First and foremost: I have absolutely NO regrets for doing this. None. Zero. Zilch. In my way of reasoning, there were very good reasons for cancelling it. Some of you may not agree with the rationale outlined below, and that is perfectly fine. But, given the same set of circumstances, I’d make precisely the same decision again.
On Saturday, August 08 of last year I had my own version of D-Day 2. That’s when I sat my WW down at the dining room table and made her look me in the eye (something we had NEVER done previously) and started asking her specific questions about the affair that had never been answered. Right out of the gates, I let her know that a polygraph test was already lined-up for a Sunday in mid-September. All questions I would ask would be revisited during the exam (or so I thought at the time. I understand now that this isn't how it works).
Among the first things I asked about was whether the affair continued after our honeymoon. She had vehemently denied this since the time I discovered the letters and up to present. But there were passages in a several of the letters that referenced late night meetings. The ONLY time these could have possibly occurred was post-honeymoon when I started a job that required me to work overnight. While I had never believed her denials over the years, it was only in recent weeks that it struck me the answer had been in front of me all along.
So, yes. She did admit to seeing him after she was told of the impending polygraph. But there really wasn’t any way for her to deny it. Did knowledge of the impending polygraph test have something to do with that? Probably……..but I can’t say with certainty. Neither can anyone reading my threads.
In the weeks leading up to the cancellation, there were more admissions. Yes, that’s right. More facts came out. But like the one mentioned above, almost (but not all of them) were things about the affair that were blatantly obvious – mostly regarding places they met, sex acts performed, etc.
Call it what you will, but a ‘parking lot confession’ comes through coercion. And I have no problem with that. But a number of details had emerged prior to the date of the polygraph – some of which were obviously embarrassing for her and painful for both of us. In my world, obtaining a full accounting of what had occurred because she wanted to clear the air is infinitely better than admission through coercion. I had every reason to believe other details would be revealed – perhaps even in gratitude for cancelling the exam.
In fact, more details DID emerge after cancellation. At that time, it validated my decision to cancel. But almost all of the admissions were minor in nature and mostly just stated what was already obvious. She also entered into counseling. This once again raised hope that she would finally come clean.
It didn’t happen. My hopes were eventually dashed. The admissions slowed to a trickle and completely dried up. She stopped counseling and has stonewalled ever since. But at least I tried instead of plowing ahead with an exam that would never give me all the answers I want. The only redeeming thing is that I am now getting the aptly named “super wife” treatment.
There’s one lesser factor that played into the decision: The effectiveness & accuracy of these exams are questionable at best. Where did I find this out? Here. On SI. From other posters. Certainly there have been some good outcomes. But if you look through my threads and others’ they are rife with bad results and warnings to lower my expectations - including some posted over the last couple of days. They include incidents where the WS passed the test and were later found out to be lying. Or worse, passed and got caught cheating again. That doesn’t mean polygraph testing isn’t still on the table……but my expectation of it being the “end all, be all” to my quest for answers is diminished considerably. And if I choose to go down that road again, I want it to count in divorce proceedings.
So, what’s the next step? The first thing I’ve done is increase the frequency of my counseling sessions to get input on the new direction I'm taking The second was to select a divorce attorney. There are a zillion of them in the area in which I live. But I don’t leap before I look. I have screened them down to two that meet all of my criteria. I will schedule the initial consult on Monday – hopefully for sometime later in the upcoming week. Two topics that will be discussed: The best way to go about setting up another polygraph test whose results can be used in a possible separation/divorce proceeding. And how to go about paternity testing that will have some teeth if parting ways becomes the solution to finally putting this sad chapter to rest.
Finally, some of the comments about my cancellation of the polygraph exam have been harsh to say the least. That’s okay, I’m a big boy. I own the decision to cancel the exam and should have expected some criticism. I am seeking input and DO NOT WANT ANYONE TO PULL PUNCHES – even if you consider it to be whining. Tell me what you think – I want to hear it. I may not like it and may disagree and discard your advice. However, at the very least I will give it consideration.
BUT………….
At the end of the day, this is my marriage & my life and I will continue to do what I am most comfortable with. I will also continue to seek input at SI and elsewhere that will help shape my decisions. I have a 41 year marriage, two boys, their wives and two granddaughters I love more than life itself. That means treading carefully is prudent.
Will I move hastily and without making sure of avoiding pitfalls before acting? Absolutely not. But rest assured this is going to end one way or another.
