SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am really interested in knowing if they will also deal with digging into why he decided to stray, atonement, my issues with pulling back (after it took him years to stop his heavy flirtation and phone sex),....

Why he cheated on you is actually the easy question to answer... he's an inherently selfish person who puts his own gratification first.

I think a more important question you need to address is why he's chosen to stay married and continually abuse you (instead of divorcing with some measure of dignity) when he knows you need monogamy and loyalty.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 11:29 AM, July 21st (Wednesday)]

I think validation can easily mean compliments if those compliments are validating what the seeker wants validated. If seekers says, I am not getting what I need, and validator says that is true or correct; that is validation.

It may be a distinction without a difference.

From the online dictionary:

"the act of confirming something as true or correct:

The new method is very promising but requires validation through further testing.

You will be prompted to enter your new password a second time for validation.

the act of officially or legally certifying or approving something:

The proposal will be prioritized and put into action after it undergoes validation by the government.

the act of affirming a person, or their ideas, feelings, actions, etc., as acceptable and worthy:

Recognition and validation of minority cultures by classroom teachers is crucial to student wellbeing and success."

Hi again,

As promised, a quick update on our 2 day Gottman approach intensive session for me and my WH.

Please note: he hasn't wandered since 2015 -it's just that I haven't fully been able to get myself back into the relationship.

Our therapist trains other MCs in the Gottman method. She won us both over on day 1 with her insights and straightforward help in how to discuss difficult topics and more. Recommended that since he had never actually gone through "atonement" for what he did, that he needed to do it. He agreed. We considered working through it with her on Day 2, but decided instead to continue focusing on working on communication skills and positive approach to showing our appreciation etc. We'll be going back for a 1/2 or full day in a month or so, after we have time to practice and see where we still have hiccups. At that time we'll work on WH atonement for what he did. I've advised that as part of that he needs to see a therapist that specializes in addressing men who have strayed and who may have "hyper-sexual" tendencies as he did back then. He has agreed to this too.

So overall I couldn't be happier for the positive feelings we both have since our 2 days of therapy together. Only time will tell, but I believe we are both fully committed to making it work.

Thanks all for your comments and thoughts - you are all very wise. As noted before, I wish I'd found this site long ago!

Hi all,

A few of you asked for me to let you know how our 2 day intensive Gottman Therapy sessions went last week. Well, we came home both days feeling a lot more positive about the chances for our marriage actually making it. We realized that we had so very much on our plates for so many years that it was not unusual for us to have grown somewhat apart while dealing with multiple businesses (both self employed), his 2 sick and dying parents, my mother and her dementia, and 4 kids in the space of under 6 years. This does not excuse his wandering of course!

Yes, the Gottman method with a well-trained & experienced therapist is definitely super helpful in developing positive communication, friendship and respect. I highly recommend it!!

Having said that, I've been doing a deep dive this last few months into betrayal trauma, compulsive sexual behavior/addiction, etc, and realize that we have never fully dealt with: 1) all the ways his betrayal and associated behaviors (gaslighting, lies, etc over many years) screwed me and my life up 2) his need to address his own issues, why he did it, integrity, ... 3) atonement 4) my need for IC, and who knows what else.

So while we are going to work on finding the positives in our marriage, at the same time we are going to get counseling with therapists that specialize in betrayal trauma, compulsive sexual behavior, and more. (I am going to post a separate topic asking for input on that).