SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am new here as well, but there is no way on earth I would have made the promise you did, I hope it works out for you but man knowing my situation that would be the same as saying you condoned it to my WW God bless and hoping things go well for you and your kids (Edit)

I was married once before this current WW, (we divorced in 96 because she was such a terrible mother) Not sure where you live but if you play this right you can get your kids, I got and raised all three of mine from first wife, court's made her pay me child support (I never collected just wanted the leverage) but if it goes that route the best course is DO NOT let her see it coming, get your ducks in a row, get her out of the house minus kids, change locks and let the cops deal with her when she comes back and goes ape crazy (she will) if you are lucky she will get arrested for trying to B&E or do as mine did and try to assault the cops, if so you have her dead to rights good luck and as I said if you see no way other than divorce never let her see it coming, no matter how much crap you have to eat right up till the day she is served

[This message restored by Webmaster at 1:47 PM, Monday, December 13th]

[This message edited by Site at 3:42 PM, Monday, December 13th]

...get her out of the house minus kids, change locks and let the cops deal with her when she comes back...

Maybe you could do that back in '96 or wherever you live, but these days, in most jurisdictions, you can't lock a spouse out of the house. These days, your STBX can make all kinds of hay with a move like that when she gets to court. It's always best to make sure you're on the right side of the law and that your words and actions would be well-received in a court setting.

I agree that you made a strategic error by promising R.

Experience shows that the cheater does not admire you more for promising not to divorce.

Instead she sees it as a weakness that she can take advantage of (don't expose all the facts because he won't divorce, or worse: I can sext and/or cheat again because he's too weak to divorce me).

Your wife has a lot of hard work ahead of her (including more shame and guilt as she confronts and repairs herself).

I believe your promise was based on an assumption of full disclosure/truth.

Therefore, I suggest at a minimum you inform her that divorce is guaranteed if she is holding any information back (including anything she feels will hurt you, shame her, or lead to divorce).

It came out that X was actually her ex-bf. My thought immediately went to that night 15 years ago. A few hours ago, she confessed that it was a ONS. The confession came after I promised her that there is no threat to our marriage no matter what truths come out.

You didn't know X was her ex-boyfriend, and that night wasn't the subject. So why was X mentioned?

It's not a ONS. It was planned taking the opportunity your being away. Probably they never broke their contact till that night and went on after who knows for how long.

She insists it happened only once after she became my wife.

This seems like a confession that she had sex with him or other men while you were not married but during your relationship.

9 years later, there was (as far as you know) an EA, you didn't go into details.

We can't assume that she fell in love with you but had ONS with her ex, then fell in love with you again and had an EA 9 years later and then fell in love with you again.
So from the very beginning she was not committed to your marriage.

You've been saying she's been faithful for 6 years but no, even if she hasn't been in an A with anyone else, at least she kept lying to you all this time, and she might still be.

Why does she want to stay married to a man she didn't want from the very beginning? I guess she doesn't have a better option with 2 small kids.

Your promise was unnecessary, even asking you to promise meant acceptance of what happened.
Okay, let's assume you have to keep your promise, unlike what she did. The reason for your divorce might not be necessarily infidelity. There could be thousands of reasons.

Wow, so many responses with different perspectives. Thank you everyone.

Lots of questions for me arising from the fact that my original post is short on detail. Yes, the EA is fully understood - I have been given every single detail I asked for. I am suspicious too if the ONS was really a one time thing or happened more than once - hopefully I will learn in the days to come(I have reasons to believe that it was not an ongoing affair).

Everyone has said that guaranteeing R was a mistake. May be it was, but behind this mistake is the changes that my wife has made. She has transformed herself into not just a loyal wife (ok, she should have come clean with the ONS before being asked) but a loving and devoted soulmate. I have felt her love in the last 6 years in a way I had never felt in the 10 years prior.

I don't want to see divorce as a way of punishment for her infidelity, but more from the perspective of what's best for my happiness (and of course, the impact on the children). From a point of zero trust in 2015, WW has worked to becoming trustworthy. But R means living with the pain the ONS will bring again and again. I am seeing a counselor later this week, I don't know if we will get to the point of R vs D, at this point I am just trying to get a handle on myself.

Great that you are seeing a counselor to help you later this week. Your WW has to realize the emotional toll her revelation has on you. Take your time. You will be on an emotional rollercoaster for an extended period. Watch her actions. Although she has become a more living partner over the last six years, she still withheld the truth of her PA. She should answer all of your questions without defensiveness and demonstrate empathy for your pain. Consistency over an extended period is the key. Take care of you. Take care of your health and stay active. Good luck.

If you read some of my posts on other threads you will see me say this a lot.

If R is what you desire, it’s only truly achievable if your WW takes the lead on recover, puts together a real plan to rebuild and help you heal, and work on herself in therapy with an Infidelity specialist to fix what was broken in her to make such awful choices.

If she can do those things to your satisfaction then you can find a real loving connection again. But instead of being thru hormones and attraction and trust, instead it comes thru pride in her for doing that work.

If she does those things then it is something she has done for no one in the whole world but you and her. She didn’t do that work for the AP or any other man.

But the work and pride has to come with a want on your side to try and reconcile. If cheating of any kind is a deal breaker for you then it won’t work. But if you seek R and she can really put in the time and effort then it can happen over time.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 5:54 AM, Monday, December 13th]

But R means living with the pain the ONS will bring again and again. I am seeing a counselor later this week, I don't know if we will get to the point of R vs D, at this point I am just trying to get a handle on myself.

I think it's good that you're seeing a counselor. Infidelity is traumatic and there are techniques, like EMDR (eye movement reprocessing and desensitization) which can help. I've had EMDR myself. It's challenging because it's immersive, but it can really take the heat out of your memories.

Once we are assured in our minds that our WS has done everything possible to remediate the flaws in their character which allowed for the cheating and once we believe that they are truly remorseful and would never betray us again.. the ball is in our court. We need to find ways to accept what happened. That's grief work to the extent that it's kind of like a death, the loss of our love story, our beliefs about our partner. We tend to go through the same stages: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. There's no particular order and we'll cycle between stages until some semblance of "acceptance" finally sticks. And that's the key really. We need to accept that this happened and that it's about the WS and NOT about us. Sounds easy, but it's really NOT. It's a process and it takes time. People do get through it though. I know because I am one.

Less than 48 hours since Dday.

I couldn't get a minute of sleep the first night. But surprisingly woke up fresh. My appetite was low throughout the day, but interestingly, I felt thirsty a lot and drank three times the water that I would in a typical day.

The only conversations I engaged with WW are "give me more details, I don't believe it was a one time thing, surely it happened more than once". She has maintained that it was only once as she felt guilty after the act. I don't believe her completely - am preparing for more bitter truths to emerge.

Slept well last night. I thought of the D vs R choice today. Both look like lose-lose options. Its not like what's the better choice - but which one is less worse.

You were" given all the details"? From whom? Did you verify them, and, if so, how?

First off, you sound like you are a measured reasonable person. But you must take care of yourself, this is the most important thing you must do. Eat well, exercise, counselling, sleep etc. infidelity messes with you, even if you feel like you have things under control. It is a like riding the Behemoth rollercoaster at Wonderland blindfolded Feels good for a bit, then your stomach bottoms out, over and over.

i am not sure I agree with the divorce her recommendation, nor that she is a serial cheater. I don’t have enough information. Certainly don’t lock her out of the house. If it goes there, this must be done only with consideration.

I do think that you both need to set out ground rules for an honest marriage. List out the dealbreakers. 1. No lying ever. In any way. 2. No alone conversations with men without you there, and certainly nothing emotional. If she can’t tell you, it is wrong. There is a list in the healing library of requirements for R. 3. Timeline with ex and the EA. All communications etc. a marriage counsellor can help, ensure that you get a counsellor that you like - it is not easy.

You must be clear that these are deal breakers, marriage over is the result of breaking them. And this applies to you both. And please do define lying, I agree that cheaters lie and lie and lie, mine thought omission was ok and not lying.

You need to talk about what is an EA. There is a lot of different views, you both must have the same definition. Be crystal clear on this, this is where she has fallen down.

All of us on this site have different experiences with infidelity, you can learn a lot that can help.

I am very sorry that you are here, I wish you the best.

Keep posting.

Linus,

I am assuming you are talking of the EA that was discovered 6 years ago. Even though I discovered email conversations only, she told me about phone conversations on whatsapp. Told me of 2 different numbers that he would call from. I remember whatsapp voice calls were a new feature for that time and it matches the timeline. She had done everything for R, but I did not. It was to do my bit that I started IC/MC and then this ONS revelation stuck out of the blue.

Apparently the counselor she met at that time knew of the ONS, but did not encourage her to come clean. If she did, I don't know where would I be today.

It doesn’t matter whether the promise you made is a mistake or not, what is done is done.

For you to find happiness, you need to start from the truth. She made you do that promise because keeping you is more important for her than healing you. Those are selfish reason.

First ask for a detailed written timeline of ALL her affairs since you started dating her, which will be verified by a polygraph.

Once you have the truth, and you are convinced that she is remorseful and she is making the steps to fix herself, THEN you can make a decision on whether you want D or R (no matter what promises you made).

Your children’s happiness will follow your. If you stay in a marriage and you are miserable, they will be too.

Someone has asked why this relationship with X came out when I was trying to deal with the EA with Y.

During MC, I asked WW: were there any other relationships that you have not been honest to me about? She said she was involved with X for 4-5 months (well before she knew me). They had gone to college together, but this relationship was many years later. There was a formal breakup and they have remained friends afterwards. I asked about any emotional/physical connection with him after we got married. She denied it in front of the counselor.

The next day when it was just the two of us, I recalled the dinner invitation and gently pressed on her and she broke down with the truth: I am sorry I betrayed you.

No excuses offered, not even that pathetic "moment of weakness".

The only conversations I engaged with WW are "give me more details, I don't believe it was a one time thing, surely it happened more than once".

I would like to clarify myself and I think others meant the same. By saying it wasn't a ONS, I didn't mean to claim that they had sex more than once. I wanted to point out that it was planned with her ex. ONSs are spontaneous and often with someone you don't know or know very little, and emotions are not involved. Your WW's cannot be considered as ONS.

Of course, that doesn't mean they only do it once either. The question is, if her relationship with him ended before she met you and nothing has happened between them emotionally and physically since then, why did she move on to have sex with him as soon as you were away? It's hard to believe there isn't anything on the back plan.

How did their relationship continue after that? Did they cut the contact completely, or did they just continue like normal friends? Do they follow each other on their social media accounts? She said that the reason she didn't continue the A was because of feeling guilty. If she continued as friends with him, I wouldn't think she said the truth.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 11:14 PM, Sunday, December 12th]

First, I'm not exactly sure about not heing a serial cheater. It is at least twice that you know of. Also, her counselor advised her to lie to you about her affair with her xbf? With this mindset from your wife and her counselor(s) how can you trust anything? Imo, this thought process makes trust virtually impossible going forward...why would they ever disclose anything else that you can't prove?

More than 1 affair during your relationship = "Serial Cheater"

Lie to your face for 16 years including after seeing yet another shitty therapist = "Serial Liar"

These are just plain facts, no sugar coating.

Here is another truism: "Whatever has been confessed, there is more".

Now, you can do what you will with that. You make your choices. But make your choices based on the facts outlined above and whatever information you can extract from her.

It appears you are swayed by whatever emotion she conveys to you in the past day or so. That's fine.

You also need to place on the scale the other 5500 days or so of willful deceit and betrayal.

Like you said above "I have been living in pain all these 6 years.".

You still got a lot more years to live. Figure out what you can live with.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 5:18 AM, Monday, December 13th]

Have they remained in contact after this event?

You see, there is my problem. She said they stopped talking for a while, but I know they resumed contact. I am using this point to get her to talk. She hasn't added anything to her story yet.

We still have emails in her account going back to a couple of years after the night. The content of those emails though is innocuous - casual friendly chat.

Our first child was conceived about a year after this. I am going ahead with a paternity test, her reaction is quite cool so far to this.

I am thinking of asking her if she would be open to do a polygraph test.

The ONS was a sin of opportunity. I wasn't with my wife. And his wife wasn't with him (oh yes, he was married only a few months - what a jerk!).

Tell her that you will be giving her a very special Christmas present this year, a polygraph test.

Her immediate reaction will probably tell you all you need to know.

Then keep an eye on her internet searches for things like "how to beat a polygraph"

Remember that all cheaters lie. She may come to you before the day of the exam or while in the parking lot with additional facts that she "originally forgot about."

Good luck and stay strong.

And don’t feel like you have to keep the promise that it wouldn’t endanger the marriage. Your original marriage was killed by her when she slept with her ex.

Do whatever you need to do to be able to look the man in the mirror in the eye.

The ongoing contact shows that she doesn't regret what she did.

It doesn't make sense for them to start friendly correspondence after a few years out of nowhere and as if nothing had happened between them. There may be deleted emails. Was the first e-mail written as if they had never heard from each other for years, or was it written as if they were constantly hearing from each other? Did they write each other what they did in the years when they were not in contact?

The paternity test and the polygraph are good both to find out the truth and to show her how your trust in her is gone.

Here it is generally recommended to inform the other betrayed spouse. But consider it as an effective way in Western culture. If being cheated on in your culture would bring you great embarrassment, and if OBS finds out will make no difference to their marriage or AP's social status, it's understandable that you want as few people as possible to know about it. But if that's not the case, to inform the OBS would be good and fair for both of you.