SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Good morning, hopeful, are you still with us?

Please respond and let us know you are ok.

Sending a huge virtual hug......

Thank you all for your input. I am so sorry that any of us are here...it is heartbreaking that so many of us have been through similar stories...I want to address some of the questions that were asked in the thread to provide some clarity of the situation:

Can you share more about your confrontation and how your husband acted afterwards? Did he try to blame you? What were his reasons? What has he said about fathering this child? What steps is he taking to make himself a better partner and make you feel safe in staying in this relationship?

You DO NOT deserve this. Nothing you could have done would have prevented this. If you decide to leave, that is OKAY. It is this woman's choice to keep this baby and if she does, it is going to be a lifetime of triggers for you. He will be financially responsible for this child and that takes money away from your marriage. Can you get past that and find happiness even when you see the biweekly child support withdrawn out of your account every other week?

Let me preface this with my husband and I were living apart for 1.5 years because of my job. I found out about the affair on 10/21/21 and confronted him two days later. He sobbed and said he was so sorry. He explained why he did it (he didn't feel supported after he lost his job and it made him question if we had any kind of future together - if we couldn't even get through the loss of his job, what would happen when something else happened in the future? He said he fell out of love with me and turned to the only person that was supporting him during that difficult time). He claimed he couldn't lose me and he would do anything to make this up to me. He agreed to therapy. At that point, I didn't know what to do. I have always said that cheating is an absolute dealbreaker for me, but prior to this event, he had been the thoughtful, caring, genuine person who had gone above and beyond for 6.5 years to make me supported and loved. I decided to stay with him and keep working on things. I moved back in with him several days later as I was starting a new job in the area and also to see how things would go. I did think the distance was a big part of us growing apart and him seeking solace in the other woman. I found out several weeks later they were still in contact and freaked out, obviously. I confronted the other woman at her job and we had a screaming match in the parking lot. Things continued to be weird with us and I felt like he was distant...then in the middle of December, he had a complete 180 in attitude. He started trying more, helping me with things around the house more, and was 1000x more engaged in the relationship than he had been in months. He told me he fell in love with me again and didn't want anything to do with the other woman any more. I felt like we were finally moving forward and ready to start a new chapter. He started being completely open and communicative with me, like how he used to be prior to this affair debacle. He would rush straight home after work to spend time with me and I felt like he was finally the man I fell in love with again.

Our original wedding was January 8th, 2021 but we decided to change it to a small ceremony because of the pandemic last year. The vow renewal and reception was rescheduled for January 6th, 2022. We oscillated back and forth about whether we should move forward with it because of everything that had happened. After speaking with the vendors and the venue, rescheduling was off the table and we found out we would lose all $40,000 we had paid if we rescheduled. We decided that, because we were finally in a good place again, we would go forward with the vow renewal. I told him reconciliation, to me, was a chance for him to prove he is ready to be the husband he promised me he would be for nearly 7 years. It was not me promising to stay with him forever, as I was still processing everything at that time. We went forward with the vow renewal and reception and it was everything we could have ever dreamed of. It was, by far, the happiest I have ever seen him. The week after the vow renewal, we found out the other woman was pregnant. It was the worst day of my entire life. He sobbed hysterically, as did I. We cried together for hours and he just kept saying "I'm so unbelievably sorry for ruining our lives. You don't deserve this. I understand if you want to leave me. I'm going to talk to her and see if she will agree to an abortion. Either way, just know that I love you, I choose you, and there is nothing that could make me leave you at this point. I'm exactly where I want to be and I'm so sorry for everything."

So basically, that is where we are at today...they have now met twice so he could speak with her about an abortion and she has not agreed. I 100% believe she did this on purpose and tried to trap him with this baby. I agree with everyone that suggested getting a lawyer and will be doing that ASAP to protect our assets. As far as the money goes, I am the primary breadwinner for our household and he is technically a dependent at this point, as he is still working a temp job and is not even making enough money to cover his student loans right now. We have always had separate accounts and will continue to do so. He is going to try to speak with her again tomorrow about putting the baby up for adoption if she does not want to get an abortion, as he feels there is no possible way for her to raise this child with minimal, if any, support from him. She did not complete college, works a job for minimum wage right now, and has no support system as her family are drug addicts and alcoholics. I did some research and it looks like in my state, a step parent is not liable for any kind of child support. All of this needs to be confirmed with a lawyer, but I feel a little better after reading that. It seems that child support would be calculated from his minimal income ONLY, so she can enjoy her $10 a month

One last thing, I understand that many of you would leave in my situation. However, if you refer to the original post, that wasn't my original question and it was very upsetting to me to be scolded and to feel judged from a group that is supposed to be providing support...Maybe that wasn't the intention of some of these posts, but that is certainly how it came across to me...I am really hoping I can hear from some people that have walked in my shoes and to hear how they handled the other child debacle. For the person that recommended I check out the other forum with a similar posting, THANK YOU. That was extremely insightful. I know this is the beginning of a long process that takes years to recover from. I get that. I am just trying to put one foot in front of the other for now...

Oh another thing, I asked him if there is any possibility this child is not his. He does not believe so, as this other woman is obsessed with him and he feels it is HIGHLY unlikely she would have slept with anyone else recently. Obviously, he agreed not to go to any appointments or the birth with her. He will also not be signing the birth certificate. We will absolutely make sure a DNA test is conducted ASAP to confirm paternity, but I'm not hopeful that will be our way out.

In the meantime, I just keep hoping this is a nightmare I will wake up from one of these days. Maybe she will lose the baby and take the decision out of her hands. Then I feel like a horrible person for thinking that. I just can't imagine how someone could bring a child into these horrible circumstances, especially knowing she has no support system, barely has stable income, and hell will freeze over before I provide her with any assistance. Who would even want a life like this for their child? The astronomical levels of selfishness and sociopathy are stunning.

So, you got back together in late October, but he was still distant, and you found out there was contact with AP a few weeks later? Then, he turns things around in December. So, sorry for being snoopy, but when was the child conceived? You don't need to answer if you're uncomfortable doing so, I'm just curious about the timing.

Sorry if we come off judgmental to you. That was never our intention. It just seems like things are moving too fast too soon. You say he agreed to therapy. Does that include individual therapy as well?

If you’re set on staying, and the OW is determined, then be prepared to have this woman and the child always be a part of your life in some capacity. That’s not an observation. It’s an unfortunate truth.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 5:14 PM, Thursday, February 3rd]

Back to address some additional questions...

Has your husband gone to individual therapy? What has he done to offer recompense, improve his boundaries, and become a safe, loving partner?

He has not gone to individual therapy yet. We have been going to therapy together and I have done some sessions alone. I informed him that him attending individual therapy is one of the requirements for me to remain in this marriage. He agreed to start going. He also allowed me to put a tracker on his phone so I can see where he is at all times. He has started calling me every single day as he wraps up for the day for work to ask if there is anything I need him to get on the way home. He then comes directly back to our house. We have spent the weekends together doing bonding activities and I can tell he is really putting in effort. Because I've seen so many positive changes in him over the last few months, it makes me feel like there is hope for our relationship, like it is at least worthy of another chance. Prior to all of this, we lived together for three years. I have known him for ten years. I STRONGLY believe he is a good person who made some horrible mistakes the last few months. I do not think that is who he is at his core. I truly feel he is trying to change and he has had zero contact with the other woman other than meeting with her to discuss the abortion. I guess we will see what happens but the idea of there being a living, breathing reminder of the worst thing that has ever happened to me is almost unbearable...

But I too, am a little confused by the timeline. Could you tell us how long you were separated, when your WH started the affair, when the person contacted you and how long you went for counseling?

So technically, we were separated for 1.5 years because of my job. The affair started in August 2021 and I was contacted and confronted him in October 2021. We have now been going to counseling for five months (we were going before I found out about the affair to work on our communication styles, which I feel has actually significantly improved and is part of the reason we are doing so well now). I did not do any other kind of "pick me" dance.

He either needs to dig WAY deeper to find a "why" that is actually useful in preventing a repeat, or you have some re-thinking to do.

How do you KNOW in this short amount of time that your WH has made the real and lasting changes necessary to repair his broken character???

I agree with this 100%, which is why I INSIST on him attending individual therapy. Interestingly, his parents are divorced because his father cheated on his mother, so I suspect there is some unresolved and unaddressed trauma there which probably contributed to his own actions. I think he has taken the first steps but still has quite a ways to go.

Have you informed your family about his actions?

My family is aware that he had an affair but not about these recent developments with the other child. I have no intention of ever telling them or my friends, as I do not want to hear any of their opinions or judgements while I figure out what I want to do. I did confide in one friend, which has been a blessing, but he lives on a different continent, so I figured he was safe LOL. My husband spoke to his mother about everything that happened and she has been reaching out to me on a daily basis to check in and see how I am doing. Unfortunately, she knows exactly how I feel...

She has to really be pregnant. Lots of AP's (affair partners) pull this one out of their hat of manipulation tactics. More than 50% of them are not even pregnant. About another 25% Miscarry in some dramatic fashion without ever needing to seek the care of a physician or hospital. What I'm saying is AP's are liars.

I would give any monetary amount for this to be the case. Per a friend of the other woman, it was confirmed with blood work. Per the other woman herself, she had two ultrasounds last week which confirmed the pregnancy is viable. My response was there is a special place in hell for sluts like her. Very mature, I know. I think maturity has taken a backseat at this point.

IF your H must pay child support it is important it is based on his salary only. I suggest this year you file your taxes married but separate. Not a joint return. You each file your own tax return. This way only his tax return/income is reported - not joint earnings. I suggest separating your bank accounts as well. His check is in a joint account but your paycheck or $ is in an account in your own name. He is not a beneficiary of your accounts either.

Thank you for this excellent suggestion. I will speak with my financial advisor about filing taxes that way this year. Luckily, we have always had separate accounts and my account has my mother's name on it as well, so neither he or the other woman can access it. Our assets are all in my name as he had no income for several months after he lost his job and that was when we purchased our new home. It looks like if the paternity test is confirmed and he does end up paying child support, the legal ramifications of him NOT paying in our state include him losing his driver's license, it affecting his credit, etc. There is a whole chain of events that are set up to affect him only.

We will see how things go...I dread the day where he has to explain this situation to our future kids, if we even get that far...

So, you got back together in late October, but he was still distant, and you found out there was contact with AP a few weeks later? Then, he turns things around in December. So, sorry for being snoopy, but when was the child conceived? You don't need to answer if you're uncomfortable doing so, I'm just curious about the timing.

It seems the child was conceived in the very beginning of December and they have had no contact since other than the abortion discussions, which occurred in public places on two different occasions so far. What a shitshow, right?

If you’re set on staying, and the OW is determined, then be prepared to have this woman and the child always be a part of your life in some capacity. That’s not an observation. It’s an unfortunate truth

I hear you. From reading the other forum, it looks like many of the people were able to set up visitation so they would see the other child once or twice a month. The drop-offs occur in a public place, like a police station parking lot, with the wife present. The other woman and the husband have zero contact otherwise and everything goes through the lawyer. That is what I envision for us, if she does have this baby. It's obviously less than ideal, but I'm thinking that because we don't have our own children yet, it's something that could work. I don't know, just trying to get through this day right now...

In response to your question, I am one of the lucky ones that survived my H’s affairs (15 years apart).

However the last one (typical mid life crisis affair) was the one where he kept demanding a D. The first was an EA that lasted for years but he was not in love with her — though his friendship was crossing the line snd very disrespectful to me (yet he refused to end the friendship). Enough of the backstory.

Your H can change and return to the guy he once was. The caring loving guy you married. Obviously his "reasons" he cheated are just nonsense. However he is showing positive signs so far. He’s not discounting the fact he made a mess of the marriage but he’s trying to make amends by going to counseling etc.

He is showing remorse. Good sign.

I am 8 years out from the year from hell. I am happy. We survived it. The good news is that my H is not the lying cheating jerk he was during his affair.

And I’m not the doormat he thought I was. He thought at dday2 it was going to be "sorry" and this would be rugswept. ROFLMAO 😂 at that idea.

I stood up to my H and finally got EVERYTHING I wanted. I had no demands for R b/c I was not planning to R. I was planning to D. I told him that on dday2– I am D you! And I would not back down.

Along the way he managed to make one positive step then another etc. and I could see he was trying 100% every day to make amends.

However, I did mske some very savvy financial moves to protect myself.

I have a post nup - all my assets are mine and if we D for any reason they are not considered marital assets.

I keep my $ separate from him.

I have my own business. He’s not a part of it.

Custody of our children is no longer an issue but when it was, I was getting full custody snd he could see them any time. He was paying for us to stay in our home so kids would not be moving until after HS was completed.

I hope this helps you. I never commented you should D your H b/c I think people are capable of changing and can end up happy in a marriage that was hit by infidelity.

Sadly being here in SI many cheaters don’t change their ways or don’t stop cheating and are still miserable people to be married to. So I can see the point that sometimes you can save yourself years of false R with a serial cheater (as an example). But you didn’t come here to ask if you should D. You came here for the possibility that you COULD survive this.

Also I like your position that you are not promising him anything. He needs to understand that.

I am going to private message you on the pregnant OW.

You have to ask yourself, Is this the life I want to live?
If the AP keeps the baby, she will be in your life forever. She will get CS based on your DH salary should be, They will not care that he doesn’t want to work. He has a child to support.
Every holiday/ birthday/ event. There will be interaction with BM. You get the child at noon on Christmas. On the morning of his birthday. There will be the first day of school, graduation, school awards where you will be with BM. Marriage, grand kids
So don’t think it’s going to be cut and dry. BM May try to control your life.

Gently…
You make it sound like she’s the problem or the child is the problem.
The real issue is that your husband chose to cheat and the consequence of that is a child.
The REAL problem is your husbands decision.

I’m not telling you this to beat you down, but rather so you focus on the issue and deal with the issue. The OC? You have already been given guidelines by experienced users here and frankly it does sound like you two are going to ignore the important ones:
a)Refuse participation in pregnancy.
b)Refuse paternity.
c)Put the onus on her to sue for paternity.

The child only becomes a formal part of your lives once shes been proven as his child. Believe the OW? We already know she sleeps with married men.

You wouldn’t be the first couple to manage reconciliation with an OC so it’s possible, but your husband needs to make immense improvements to himself and his mentality in a very very short time.

I don’t think financial manipulation will work… Most states have a minimum CS requirement, most states see marital income as both yours and his income, many states see all property in a marriage as joint… DEFINITELY DEFINITELY DEFINITELY talk to an attorney, but I have a feeling that if they come to collect CS they won’t settle for half the house or whatever. It’s probably joint income, joint assets and such.

No more contact with the OW that doesn't include you.

He wants to talk to her? Then he calls her on speakerphone. He tells her that you will be included in any conversations with her. That she is not to contact him.

So, if your WH discussed abortion or adoption earlier, even if he does end up providing court ordered child support, how does he feel about having this child in your lives? I know this sounds cold, but he could just provide financial support and not consider visitation. That would ensure no contact with AP (or child) unless he's decided he wants to be part of the child's life.

6.5 years together, you make the money, he does not earn enough to cover student loans? Now, he is facing child support? You sure you want to sign up for this? You sure he has not cheated before? Going bareback with a minimum wage earner from a rough background? Renewing vows a month after he impregnates a woman? Are you thinking clearly?Sounds like a real prize.

Run this by your friends and family. Get some objective opinions. This scenario screams parasite.

My response was there is a special place in hell for sluts like her

^^^Hopeful, I can understand why you feel this way, I called my husband's AP every name in the book bc she pursued him relentlessly. In the end, he made the choice to cheat. I'm sure you realize your husband made a commitment to you, she did not. He owns this mess, lock, stock, and barrel.

I hope your husband does the right thing legally, this child deserves emotional and financial support no matter what the circumstances are IMO.

Again, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I cannot even imagine....take care of yourself as best as you can, and please lean on trusted family and friends for support.

I think he got off too easy. Just because you were distant (away earning for the family). Doesn't give a worthy excuse to cheat.
I do like your approach to come in and test the waters again, but if he wasn't praising you then, why would he wait until right before you left to change and start being the husband he should have been.
When a WS doesn't have to crawl through some broken glass to earn forgiveness, their selfish lens of looking at the world says they deserve more. They were able to get 2 people fight and fawn over them. If the level of attention or affection drops, then they will naturally think about how they boosted it previously.
I am just saying people are self centered and easy to predict.

6.5 years together, you make the money, he does not earn enough to cover student loans? Now, he is facing child support? You sure you want to sign up for this? You sure he has not cheated before? Going bareback with a minimum wage earner from a rough background? Renewing vows a month after he impregnates a woman? Are you thinking clearly?Sounds like a real prize.

Run this by your friends and family. Get some objective opinions. This scenario screams parasite.

Once again, I understand the concerns vocalized here but prior to my husband losing his job in August 2021, he also had a great job with solid income. The whole situation is completely effed, I agree. If you actually read my responses to the previous posts, you would see that the vow renewal was related to the $40,000 wedding we already paid for, not because it was the ideal situation at that particular time.

I am on this forum to gain support from women who have experienced a similar situation because I don't feel I can discuss this with any of my friends or family. I am not here for your additional judgment, random person from the internet. If you don't have anything constructive to add, please don't waste 30 seconds of my life by reading your post. The trolls on this post are out of control and not at all what I would have expected from a site like this. How extraordinarily disappointing.

To all those who suggested consultation with an attorney, I will be having a consultation with an attorney in the next week or two to figure out the logistics of child support for this potential OC. I appreciate the input.

No more contact with the OW that doesn't include you.

He wants to talk to her? Then he calls her on speakerphone. He tells her that you will be included in any conversations with her. That she is not to contact him.

Thank you, love this idea. That would definitely make me feel more comfortable moving forward. Right now they are not speaking at all since their last two interactions have been him trying to convince her to have an abortion and that's it. I'm sorry and obviously I acknowledge that my husband was in the wrong here, but wtf is wrong with people that they would want to force someone to be a father when they do not want the child AND the mother is not in a position to support the child by herself? It's just so immature and irresponsible. I resent it so much.

So, if your WH discussed abortion or adoption earlier, even if he does end up providing court ordered child support, how does he feel about having this child in your lives? I know this sounds cold, but he could just provide financial support and not consider visitation. That would ensure no contact with AP (or child) unless he's decided he wants to be part of the child's life.

That would also be a good option but my personal feeling is he has always wanted to be a father and he will want to be in this child's life, even if he only gets part-time visitation. What a nightmare my life is.

I’m not telling you this to beat you down, but rather so you focus on the issue and deal with the issue. The OC? You have already been given guidelines by experienced users here and frankly it does sound like you two are going to ignore the important ones:
a)Refuse participation in pregnancy.
b)Refuse paternity.
c)Put the onus on her to sue for paternity.

My husband is doing all of the above.

If you don't have anything constructive to add, please don't waste 30 seconds of my life by reading your post. The trolls on this post are out of control and not at all what I would have expected from a site like this. How extraordinarily disappointing.

Wow, I've been on this board for well over a decade, I have read through this entire thread, I don't see anyone trolling. I'm sorry you feel that way.

Please don't take your anger out on members here who are trying to be supportive.

All of us in JFO have experienced a living nightmare, all of our stories are different, but the pain is the same. Each one of us has had our world turned upside down and inside out through no fault of our own. Navigating through this sh*tstorm has been hellish for every betrayed spouse here.

I hope you find the support you need.

[This message edited by annb at 9:19 PM, Saturday, February 5th]