SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Until you have an actual paternity result in hand, the OW could still be lying and trying to extort you. One of the OW my fWH was involved with took his NC request pretty badly and claimed she was pregnant. She kept wanting to meet up with him to give him back various items and he kept telling her 'no'. I think this was so she could extort him without putting anything in writing. Eventually, she claimed to be heavily pregnant and wanted money to get an in utero DNA test. rolleyes I had him call her bluff by continuing strict NC. Time for delivery came and went. Just another OW lie.

I am so sorry to hear you went through this. Again, j ask, what the hell is wrong with people?! I don’t know about my situation, I have not seen any actual proof she is pregnant. She asked my husband to go to the ultrasound with her and he refused. She then called him to tell him the alleged results. She asked him to come with her to upcoming appointments and he again refused. I guess we will see what happens but I am praying to God that she either isn’t pregnant or loses the baby. She is clearly a horrible person and does not deserve to be a mother. I will absolutely make sure a paternity test is done if it turns out she really is pregnant. Unfortunately, she’s so obsessed with my husband that I doubt it would be someone else’s if there even is a baby. Wtf…

The courts can say. That your DH should be making X dollars a hour working, times 40 hours a week and base CS on that. Plus medical insurance.
If this kid goes into Forster care. Then the state will come after him for CS. Your DH should be getting a job to support his child

My husband had a great job for the last few years but lost it last summer. He has been working a temp job since then making very little money due to his insane student loan payments. My lawyer also informed me the amount of child support goes up the less time he spends with the child too. So if we end up seeing the child a few times a month, that should significantly decrease the payment. I would also rather adopt this child than see it go into foster care. I just don’t want to have any contact with the other woman, since my main issue is with her, not the innocent child she tried to trap my husband with. She tried to claim she has no idea how it happened since she’s been taking her birth control pills everyday. Fat chance. I’m a medical professional and the chances of pregnancy while correctly taking an oral contraceptive is 0.05 - 0.3%. I’m expected to believe that the entire time this affair was going on and she thought my husband was going to choose her, everything was fine. But the second he decided to work on things with me, magically, her birth control pills somehow failed? I call bullshit. I hate her. I don’t understand how these other women sleep at night and live with themselves honestly. What disgusting excuses for human beings.

Having to deal with an OC is right up there with every BS's worst nightmares.

I don't think he should have any contact with her,at all, until paternity has been established. Many OW pretend to be pregnant,to hang on to the WH.

I would send her one email,from both of you telling her there will be NC from him,until he is petitioned to take a DNA test.

I also agree with the above. There is NO WAY I would allow that child into my home. OW hates you. She wanted your life. She will do everything she can to destroy you. What better way,than to claim a bruise on her child, came from you? Enter CPS. Doctors examining your children for abuse. CPS questioning your children. Hell no.

You,and your children are the victims here, of 2 very stupid people. Her for getting pregnant,by a married man,thinking that would some how cause him to leave the family he already has. And him, for getting her pregnant,and having the affair.

This isn't a popular stance,but..you do not have to allow any interaction with this child. You can tell your husband you understand if he wants this child in his life, but he will have to do so as your ex husband. You don't have to tolerate this woman as a part of your life. Your husband will have to pay child support, but he does not have to have visitation.

Block OW after sending the final message. Maybe she will petition him for a paternity test. But probably not.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:23 PM, Monday, February 14th]

I RARELY post here anymore but I'm here every day, trying to work through my own crap. Maybe it's just because of the day it is and I'm feeling raw but I have to comment to the OP.

Why? Why do you want to put yourself through this? Yes, I understand, you love your husband and the thought of walking away is heartbreaking. But, do you really want to have a reminder of his infidelity in your face, every single day for the rest of your life? Because that's what this OC will be and honestly, I don't know how anyone heals from infidelity with that facing them constantly. People do it, I know but how? My God, I can't even imagine.

You were a year into your marriage when he cheated. What does that say about him? Yes, you'd been together for 6 years prior to that but had finally committed to marriage. A year later because he lost his job and your job took you away, he completely folds and has an affair for 5 months? In a quiet moment, just sit and ponder that and ask yourself this - what will he do in the future if your job takes you away again or if life gets hard? How is he going to handle that?

Every day is going to be a challenge for you just to heal. I'm not telling you what to do but I'm going to say this - it is hard as Hell to recover from infidelity and the scars are permanent. Even if a person manages to work through it, those wounds are always there waiting to be blown open again. Having to deal on a continuing basis with an OC from an affair is something I admire anyone for being able to handle. You could truly be a blessing to the child if the mother is an absolute mess and your husband wins custody. But, you need to think about could you truly open your heart to that child and raise it as your own essentially? Or would every time you look at him/her, the anger flare up from how they came about? And think about how detrimental that will be to the child, to your marriage, and more importantly, to you and your health - both physical and mental.

OP, my main wish for you is that you continue on with your own individual therapy. I have worked in a professional capacity with OC throughout my career (I'm in a helping field), and so many of these children are traumatized because they are clear they are resented and/or hated by their stepparent. Even when the stepparent tries to hide it, when a child FEELS that you hate their other parent, they internalize that the stepparent hates them too. Because they are 1/2 of each parent. And they are ashamed and feel less-than; this has life-long impacts on self-esteem and their own relationship choices. The child is innocent, and will have a hard enough life being raised primarily by a parent who you've described as unstable. If that child then visits a home where his/her mother is hated and where his/her very existence is problematic, you will truly be doing harm to this child.

So if your husband wants to parent, you have a brief 7-8 months to do some intensive individual therapy to work through your anger and resentment towards this woman. Kids KNOW and you can't fake it. You have to actually push through this anger and hatred of her, and be able to be apathetic towards the mother at worst and accepting of her role in your life at best. She will likely sh*t talk you to her child. She will likely make your husband out to be a crappy father for not being more involved, and she will blame you for that. You STILL have to be the bigger person. You and your husband have to love the child more than you hate his affair partner, and put that child first for the next 18+ years. If you cannot do that (and that's a HUGE ASK), this marriage might not be for you any longer. Not because you don't love your husband, believe in his goodness, or want your marriage to work, but because HE changed the terms of the marriage with this pregnancy, and those aren't terms you can live with anymore.

And if your husband chooses NOT to exercise parenting time, you should be prepared to explain to that child when he/she is a teenager or young adult why your feelings of hurt over the affair were more important than him/her having a stable father/second parent during childhood. You may be comfortable defending this decision, and that's okay. You should also think about the possibility that if your husband chooses not to be involved to salvage your marriage, he may later resent not being involved in his child's life. No right or wrong here-- simply all things you should think about.

Also, regarding child support, in most states payments are based on the number of overnights a parent has, so double check on that. If he takes every other weekend (4 nights/month), he'll be paying close to the state maximum on child support, as she'll have about 90% custody and he'll have about 10%. Most states have a child support calculator online, so you can start to look at that. You'll need to calculate your husband as though he works 40 hours/week at a minimum wage job, since that's what the state will assume he's capable of making at the very least. You have an attorney, which is great, so I think you've got the rest of the info you need on the financial piece.

This is such a sh*t sandwich and I'm so sorry you're in this position. I just beg of you to do the work so you don't take this out on the child (assuming there is a child) and/or end up living a life full of bitterness over this situation you've been put in. Your marriage can be salvaged, but it's going to take A LOT of intense work in a situation that won't get any simpler with time, and in fact will only get complicated as the child becomes older and more aware.

Good luck, OP.

OP, I hate to say this, but you need to protect yourself. Cut off sex. Separate everything and file for D. This is his problem, not yours. Stay in IC and work on yourself.

A long-term marriage survives many tests, harder than just losing a job. In your first year of marriage, your husband folded. Badly. There is no foundation on which to build on.

In the future, if he grows up and turns over a new leaf (doubtful), you can always get back together. This should not be your sh*tshow to bear.

Hello Hopeful, I'm so sorry you are here.

My situation, while similar, has some big differences. My WH and I were M for 27 years when he told me about OW and OC. He had been working away from home (2 hours away and only home on Saturdays). So it was very easy for him to maintain an A. For him, it had an end date. He claimed that he had always told her he loved his wife and wasn't looking to leave the M. However, the way he explained how he treated her, and what they did (not just sex), I told him that it sounded like a relationship. She even had 2 children from 2 different fathers .

She told him she was on birth control and he believed her. They had sex without protection . He never even considered the possibility of an STD/STI, why would he, she "wasn't a whore" and "looked clean" . He also claimed since she was a nurse, that she would know if she had a sexually transmitted disease. Yeah, cheaters are super smart when they're cheating. Like you, I'm 99.9% sure she got pregnant on purpose because she thought it would change his mind if he had a child to consider. Even though we already had 5 kids and he told her he didn't want anymore.

She texted and broke the news to him with a volcano explosion meme a month after he left the project and was full time back home. It was at that point he decided to come clean, as he couldn't hide an OC.

I made many mistakes in the beginning. One was allowing the communication to continue. There is ZERO reason for them to have open communication. That allows the OW to keep having hope that there is a future for them, keeps him invested (even in a small way), and adds more pain for the BS. I should have shut it down! On his end, he saw it as trying not to rock the boat, or have her get angry and do something stupid. I forced him to go see a lawyer in order to see what his legal rights were. He just wanted to pay her off . I'm using so many eyerolls lol. He just believed her, after all "not a whore", right? My WH also tried to get her to have an abortion. She said no. He then told her that he was not going to be part of kids life, nor was he going to be part of the pregnancy, she would be doing it on her own. Of course she still messaged him about appointments and updates, plus bouncing baby names off him etc. And yes, my dumbass WH engaged in these conversations, though he did show them to me. She would also still call. Anyway, lawyer said he had ZERO obligations before paternity was established, and ZERO reason to keep communicating with OW.

We called her and let her know that any further communication would be ignored. Told her that if the child was his, we would be suing for full custody (we were in a much better position than her financially, also, this was total BS as there was NO way I was going to raise his bastard). She was pissed! Called us cowards, blah blah blah, said she wasn't going to ask for paternity, and said a few choice words. Anyway, she still kept trying to contact him, sharing ultrasound photos etc. Once the child was born (she sent him notification as well), and there was no paternity asked for he ghosted her. Finally changed his phone #, blocked her on FB and any other social media, deleted all their chats, etc. I can tell you that once that happened, and there were no more texts coming in from her, my anxiety dropped! Should have done it from get go. She could have sued for paternity through her lawyer!

There are people who judge me for the route I took, but they are not me. I know there is no way that I want that reminder in my life, staring me in the face every day, or every weekend, or even once a year! I also know that I do not have the right to tell my WH that he cannot have a relationship with his child if it is his child. So, it was his choice. He could be part of OCs life, but it would not be as my husband. That was what was best for me. I know other BSs that were able to accept the OC into their lives.

Do I worry that OC will show up later, sure, but that will be for WH to deal with, not me. I feel sorry for OC, having a bio father that doesn't want them. They did nothing wrong, completely innocent, but then so am I and my children. I don't know if this helps you or not, like I said, I was in a different stage of life than you are. You are just beginning a family, mine was established and we had 27 years under our belt. Have I made the right decision? Only time will tell, but I know I did what I needed to do for me and my children.

Mamabear312, great post.

My brother had an OC. I knew she existed but only through my mom who lived across the country. I had seen pictures of her, knew her name, but that was it. My mom, her grandmother, kept in touch with her. My mom passed away in 2008.

I "found" my niece on facebook by pure accident. I contacted her, and she responded. This was back in 2016. She was 26 years old at time, very screwed up, had a child out of wedlock, clean from drugs at that point.

I kept her original message to me, "Hi, annb, so you are my dad's sister? I don't know what relatives I have on his side. It's not easy for me after all these years. I was always the MISTRESS' DAUGHTER. I just wish my dad knew how much HE DID MEAN TO ME EVEN WITH HIM NOT IN MY LIFE.

In 2018, my niece went missing and wasn't heard from for several years. We didn't know if she was dead or alive.

I found her again about six months ago, don't know where she was all that time, but apparently she had been through rehab, was moving forward with a new, great job, and seems to be on the right path.

I know this is not easy, it's a shitty situation for anyone living this nightmare, BUT THESE KIDS DON'T DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THEY ARE OUTCASTS.

My brother never kept in touch with her or provided child care. It makes me ill, I wish I had been in a position to be a positive influence in her life.

I wonder if an OC, having reached the age of majority ( or maybe sooner) could pursue back child support on his or her own. I stayed away from family law when I was a lawyer. But, it occurs to me that, perhaps, the OC has an independent right to the support, regardless of the mother's s decision to forgoe support.

BUT THESE KIDS DON'T DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THEY ARE OUTCASTS.

Hence why I said that I am judged because of my decision to not have the OC as part of my life. I agree, they do not deserve to be treated as outcasts. It is not their fault that their parents were selfish assholes. I, however, will not participate in its life. I don't want to, I have no desire to, I don't need to. And that is my prerogative. I was not consulted on this decision. I did not agree to have another child, and even though it seems controversial, neither did my WH. Yes, he was part of making this child, and yes he made it clear that he did NOT want to be a father to another child. He does not have the option to abort the child, only the mother does, but she also understood (whether she wanted to believe it or not) that she would be doing it on her own. If she sues for paternity, then we will deal with it. There will be no contact with either OW or OC, only $ will exchange hands and only through a third party.

Again, if WH wants a relationship, he can have it, without me by his side. That might seem cold to some, but that, again, is my prerogative. If it's that important to WH, he can make that choice. As far as explaining to OC when and if they show up later, again, that is up to WH as well. And yes, sorry to all who feel bad for the OC, they are NOT as important as the original family. If they were, then WSs would leave immediately and foster a relationship. Most OC are accidents that WSs don't want. I had the discussion with my WH because I did not want him to resent me if he ever felt he wanted a relationship with OC. He assured me that would not happen, but who knows. His feelings might change in the future, but he knows where I stand. I have made my feelings clear! He even stated that MY feelings might change in the future. I let him know that if he was hoping for that, that we might as well end it now because he couldn't go into it assuming that was a possibility. He had to go into it assuming my mind would NEVER change.

So far OW has not requested a paternity test. This could be because the child is not his, or it could be because she's afraid we will take the child away. I don't know, and I don't care. I suppose I will be judged on that as well. At least at this point WH sees her for the person she really is and doesn't take everything she said at face value. I mean, he was lying to her too

Even when the stepparent tries to hide it, when a child FEELS that you hate their other parent, they internalize that the stepparent hates them too.

This too. I would never blame the child. I don't at all. But I don't know how I would act around it. I don't think I could ever hide how I feel about it or its mother. I mean, for fucks sake, I can't even identify the OC by its gender even though I know it. I love children, but trying to love the OC would be beyond me. I simply do NOT want to do it. And if that makes me a monster, well, then I'm a monster. I would rather detach from my WH and OC than to try and incorporated OC into my family. I'm too fucking old to raise another child. Been there done that! I'm at the stage where I am enjoying my grandkids, not my WHs bastards!

edited for grammar

[This message edited by fournlau at 4:18 AM, Tuesday, February 15th]

No judgment here. I think in the face of this kind of trauma just being able to verbalize your boundaries is miraculous.

Hopeful, I know you hate OW (and she is certainly worthy of your hatred and vitriol) but she did not rape your husband. He chose to have unprotected sex with her, which also meant that even if she didn't become pregnant, he could've still transmitted an STD to you, his faithful and unsuspecting wife.

Directing your anger at OW for "trapping him" allows him to deflect blame for what he has done. No contraceptive method is fail-proof. Oral contraceptives have a failure rate of 9%, but even if your 0.05%-.3% rate is more accurate, that's still 36,000 unplanned pregnancies per year. Every adult man knows that he loses the ability to choose whether or not he becomes a father the moment he ejaculates inside a woman's body.

If OW is "white trash" because of her poverty, lack of education, lack of morality, and abysmal life choices, then what derogatory label applies to a man who uses such a woman as a sex object, discards her once her presence in his life becomes inconvenient, and then tries to coerce her into an abortion because their child threatens the tranquility and harmony of his "more respectable" life and marriage?

I know you will say that this is "irrelevant" to your question about what to do about the OC, but I disagree. I think, at the bare minimum, that you need your own lawyer who can give you advice that is in your best interests. Perhaps that lawyer might advise you to pursue legal separation (even if you don't intend to divorce) to ensure that you're protected until the paternity issue with OW is resolved. I think you need your own individual therapist who is separate from any counseling that you do with your husband who can help you manage the stress you're dealing with and help you gain some clarity on this situation before you make any further decisions that have serious and long-term consequences.

I don’t think Hopeful is blaming the OW and excusing her H’s role.

She is angry that the OW is insisting or trying to get her H to have continued contact and using the pregnancy as an excuse.

Hopeful’s H has made it clear he’s not interested in being part of the OW’s life. But yet she keeps using the pregnancy to continue to try to interact with him.

And most of the betrayed wives here call the OW all kinds of names. Rightfully so. I’m not sure why that is suddenly looked down in in this forum.

I really hesitate to post on this thread because you seem to take real good points and issues as a threat and insist you only want advice from others in the same situation. Well… I’m not a woman with a 6–7-year relationship, an OC on the way and all that. But I do know a thing or two about infidelity AND I like to think what being a man is about.

I want to stress that the below is all based on creating the conditions that can save your marriage. They aren’t easy – but from the bottom of my heart – if you take note of them and act you and your husband are increasing your chances of reconciling. Or if one or the other doesn’t take heed – at least getting to the point of understanding the marriage can’t be saved.
This is NOT saying you should divorce. It’s rather that you should realize what’s ahead, what needs to be done. In a way it can be compared to waking up in a burning house. You can take all sorts of actions to extinguish the fire and save the house, but if none works you eventually focus on getting out.

The divorce factors? Well… once again the burning house comparison. What drives your efforts at saving the house and extinguishing the flames is that you realize the permanent damage not doing so can cause. It should be the same with your marriage – realizing what NOT dealing with the issues can leave you in a burnt out, irreparable marriage. It’s better to do the hard work NOW and extinguishing the flames rather than live with embers and smoke. YOUR BEST BET AT SAVING THE MARRIAGE IS DEALING WITH THE INFIDELITY NOW!

First of all: We have advised repeatedly that your husband refuse paternity until the OW sues for paternity. You say he is doing that… yet he meets with her to talk about abortion, adoption and all that… Even those talks are participation in paternity. Can you imagine that conversation: "I think you should abort the baby that I am not the father of" … It doesn’t make sense. He refuses to acknowledge her and the paternity issue until its run the legal course.
The same with suggestions of a pre-birth paternity test. Right now, there is no legal claim that your H is the dad, and the process is such that there won’t be until the child is born. Like it or not you two need to shut the OW out for the time being and she has to eventually initiate the process of suing your husband for paternity.

Second: You do what a lot of betrayed spouses do. You blame the OP (OW) for the affair and for the pregnancy. A 0.5% chance of pregnancy does not mean they have to have unprotected sex 200 times to conceive. A 0.5% chance simply means the odds of conception are low. People still buy lottery tickets with even lower odds.
It doesn’t matter who initiated the affair, who pursued whom and all that. A married man can walk into a brothel offering free BJ’s along with free lobster and steak and still walk out having refused all temptation. The problem is that your husband decided to taste the forbidden fruits. He got himself into the situation and partook in it.
The problem isn’t the OC per se. You have options to deal with that issue either alone or as a couple. The problem isn’t the OW. The problem is that your husband decided to have an affair. THAT is what you need to deal with and repeated experience here on SI has very clearly shown us some things:
1)The wayward spouse (your husband) has to accept and acknowledge 100% accountability and responsibility for the decision to have an affair. This is not "I lost a job and therefore I cheated" or "you were not around and therefore I cheated" but rather a very honest and heartfelt "I cheated and the excuses I found to justify this are not valid. I cheated due to insecurities, lack of judgment (or whatever) and THIS is what I am doing to change myself to make me less susceptible to these actions".

2)You -the BS – need to accept your husband had these limitations and he and only he decided to cheat. You need to be aware of his limitations and see that there is progress being made on them. The OW… doesn’t need to be your friend, but due to the OC she will be a part of your life for a very very long time…

3)A basic in SI philosophy (if there is any joint mutual philosophy) is that the affair is NEVER NEVER NEVER due to the marriage or the BS. You can have the worst marriage ever, yet it never justifies having an affair. It could justify a demand for change or even a divorce, but never an affair. He didn’t cheat because you weren’t there or because of distance. He cheated because he decided to.

4)Notice how I have several times said he decided to cheat? This is a key issue. If he didn’t decide to cheat and it only "happened" as if by accident… well… there is no way to prevent a repeat. This goes back to my point on accountability. The minute he raises his hand and says "Yes. I cheated. There is no excuse and no justification. The blame is totally 100% mine and it’s up to me to make myself a safe husband" is the moment your marriage can start reconciling.

I fear your repeated blaming of the OW. We can have our opinions on someone wanting to bring a child into such uncertainties, but that is a completely different issue to the infidelity. Please – don’t make HER the enemy. She’s simply a woman your husband had an affair with that led to conception. Did she use a contraceptive? Not really an issue. More of an issue is that your husband had sex with her, and he didn’t use protection. It’s not that she conceived that’s the issue regarding your marriage – but that HE conceived with her.

You don’t need to be friends. You don’t even have to like her. But 5 years from birth you might have to sit in the same auditorium she might be watching the child play one of the three wise men, or when the child graduates, or marries or whatever. With time – if OC is in your life – you need to find a way to coparent.

Not once in the posts above do I suggest you divorce. But I do strongly suggest you deal with the issues. Those issues are NOT dealt with by your husband saying sorry and promising never to cheat again. It’s a lot more work, and it’s work that will go on way past the birth (and probably the confirmation of paternity) of this child. This whole site is based on couples dealing with infidelity, and it seldom – like pink unicorn seldom – ends once the WS says sorry, won’t do it again.

---

Regarding the OC. I’m a man, and on SI we sometimes have this bunch of posters talking about masculinity, manhood and all that stuff. The way I was raised then being a man is being accountable. It’s not being perfect – it’s not being strong and dominant or about earning and sexual powers. It’s being accountable. That is where you find the character and integrity of a man.

I can share from personal experience: In the period between my d-day and when I started dating my present wife (of over 30 years) I fathered a child. It was a mutually agreed upon ONS with no intention of any relationship. I was informed of this child by an official letter 3-4 months after it’s birth, and about 3-4 months after my wife (GF at the time) decided to be together. I went through the legal process of proving paternity and accepted the outcome. The first person I talked to about the official letter was my then GF/future wife. She was shocked but this wasn’t infidelity. This was before we met. I gave her the option of leaving, but informed her that if this was my child, I would be in its life to the extend the mother allowed (different times – women more-or-less dictated absentee dad participation) and to the financial accountability law required. She accepted this and we worked on adapting our life to this added person. In fact, she has told me that if I had shied away from my responsibility, she would have doubted my eligibility as her future husband.

I am accountable for that life. I have responsibilities as a father. Had the mom wanted those responsibilities to be minimal then so be it. Had she wanted more… then so be it. I was accountable for doing my best. I paid CS based on my income, and that impacted the income of my family, but it was still my responsibility. My accountability.
Maybe the biggest risk in my marriage was when I fell behind on child-support payments. My wife made it very clear that a MAN pays his child support and that we could budget to manage it.

We managed. The "child" is married and has given us grandkids. Her mom and her husband sometimes visit. It’s an amicable enough relationship, but we were both very clear that we had no intention of any future romantic entwinement. The "child" has talked about how she grew up with 2 dads and 2 moms and all her (half)siblings. My mistake of not using a condom has not had any major negative effect on her life.

I think financial manipulation and minimization won’t work. Finances are a major impact in marriage, and having to use some spreadsheet to decide who earns what and why and how and when to minimize CS payments… It’s like spending 100 to save 10. If your husband is the father, then he takes the responsibility and accountability square on and pays the CS that he is obligated to pay. You can minimize it by sharing custody, but it’s not as if that saves money per se. The child will still need clothes, food, dentures, medical, books, a bike… It’s more an issue of how that cost is shared.

I wish you well, but I truly think you need to be better aware of the main issue.

Something that I don't think has been mentioned..you should file for separation, and ask for child support. That doesn't mean anything has to change between you, and your husband. But, by filing first,before OW, that will mean you will get more CS awarded to you,than she will. Whoever files for CS first, no matter if you are his wife,and she is the OW, will get the most money.

Don't worry about anyone who judges you for your feelings about this OW, and her OC(if there even is one). Those people have no idea how it would feel to be in your situation, and should be thanking their lucky stars that they aren't in your position.

That said, I do agree with Bigger's post above. Except *I* believe you can blame the OW, AND your husband. And you can hate her. I don't think anyone should feel obligated to be friendly with the woman who fucked their husband.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:37 PM, Tuesday, February 15th]

The1stWife:

Saying that OW trapped Hopeful's WH by not taking birth control is excusing him from some (if not all) responsibility for their current predicament. I understand that inclination because WH is the person she loves while OW is the person she hates. But this attitude allows WH to have a convenient scapegoat rather than fully accepting accountability.

She is angry that the OW is insisting or trying to get her H to have continued contact and using the pregnancy as an excuse.

Hopeful’s H has made it clear he’s not interested in being part of the OW’s life. But yet she keeps using the pregnancy to continue to try to interact with him.

All WH needs to do is have a lawyer send a cease and desist letter and instruct to the OW to communicate only through the lawyer regarding matters pertained to a future paternity suit, if there is one. If he is still talking to OW, it's because he is choosing to do so.

And most of the betrayed wives here call the OW all kinds of names. Rightfully so. I’m not sure why that is suddenly looked down in in this forum.

I'm not pooh-poohing Hopeful for calling the OW names. I'm pointing out that if she thinks OW is trash, she ought to consider the character of the person who rolls around in trash, especially if he was dumb enough to think he couldn't get dirty or couldn't track that filth back into his house. Before Hopeful1881 can make long-term legal, financial, and emotional decisions, she needs to do so based not on who her husband used to be or who she thought he was, but the person he is now.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 10:13 PM, Tuesday, February 15th]

Hellfire:

Something that I don't think has been mentioned..you should file for separation, and ask for child support. That doesn't mean anything has to change between you, and your husband. But, by filing first,before OW, that will mean you will get more CS awarded to you,than she will. Whoever files for CS first, no matter if you are his wife,and she is the OW, will get the most money.

This is why I suggested that Hopeful get her own legal representation. Her lawyer might recommend courses of action, such as legal separation and filing for child support, that someone who is also representing her husband might be hesitant to suggest.

I have never seen a thread with so much animosity towards the poster.

Hopeful has stated her H has stopped talking to the OW.

Her H is remorseful. Her H is doing everything he can to repair the damage this has caused. He is trying very hard.

Yet no one wants to believe he can change or has done anything to change. The possible OC with the OW is an unfortunate outcome of this affair.

But do we need to belittle and name call? Do we need to be so forceful with the betrayed wife in telling her her H is a bad guy?

She’s trying to reconcile. She’s trying her best to deal with this nightmare but yet people are coming down really hard in her.

Let’s try to support Hopeful here. Many have made very helpful suggestions. She needs our kindness — more than anything.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:50 AM, Wednesday, February 16th]

Deleted with apologies. Did not realize I was in JFO.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 1:09 AM, Wednesday, February 16th]

The1stWife, I can't speak for everyone else on this thread, but I have no animosity toward OP; she has nothing but my sympathy for being thrust into a position where she has to make critical long-term decisions about her future while under duress. I think it's important to reiterate that she is only 3 months post-Dday, which is not enough time to fully process her emotions or for her WH to prove that he is a safe partner. As a veteran of SI who went through the hell of false R, you know better than anyone that waywards who "get it" this early after Dday are rare and that there is a world of difference between regret and remorse. So I don't think my cynical attitude toward her WH is uncalled for given what I know of his actions, what I have experienced during my own journey out of infidelity, and what I've learned from the collective wisdom of SI.

Hopeful1881, pardon the digression into talking about you in your own thread vs talking directly to you. Take things one step at a time rather than trying to brainstorm solutions for every single possible outcome. To reiterate, a lawyer can handle all communication with OW. Get your own attorney and get your own therapist-- professionals who are 100% in your corner. Don't be hesitant because you love him or feel guilty about making decisions that are unilaterally in you and your children's best interests. Don't make sacrifices for him before he has proven that he's worthy of the opportunity to remain married to you.