SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

OK ... but are you prepared for more As? Do you have a plan for responding?

I guess I can see staying together because you like doing things together, but are you giving up too much to do that? Is it possible that an active, intelligent woman will find other people with whom she can enjoy doing the things you enjoy doing with your H but without the betrayal? Is it not possible that you'll find new friends and perhaps a new, real love (statistically unlikely, but you're more active than most people, and active is attractive)?

You want to stay together. You want to R. I'm all for that. But you need a plan B. For example, I committed myself to R based on certain expectations, but I think I was ready to end R and our M if my expectations weren't met. Are you framing R that way?

Sisoon is correct; you need a plan for what you're going to do when you bust him in another affair. What consequences are you prepared to follow through on? Are you getting a post-nuptial agreement? What is he willing to sacrifice in exchange for the high risk you're taking by remaining married to him?

WH sees it too. He knows what's at stake. At this point, I find it almost impossible to walk way.

He knows what's at stake... for you. He's been gambling the life you have and the future you've planned for years because he knows how desperate you are to keep them. Are you willing to call his bluff? Or are you willing to tolerate catching him in the occasional screw-up?

You don't owe me or even your husband an answer that question... but you should be honest with yourself.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:45 PM, Monday, June 27th]

I am a serial survivor and left. Too much damage is caused by serial cheaters. My personal opinion is that it is next to impossible to reconcile such heinous behavior.

My first husband was a serial cheater. I had to protect our kids from his issues, so I divorced him.

My deceased WH was a serial cheater too. And like you, I wanted to stay with mine for simular reasons as your reasons.

Hindsight is always 20/20 and if I could go back I think it would have wanted to come to an agreement of some sort of separation and he could have lived his life the way he chose and I could have lived mine and still stay on good terms.

I did still love him but his lifestyle and who he was was so destructive and he was bringing me down with him.

I have no advice for you. Just you do you and just understand that chances are that he will still find a way to cheat again.

I'm sorry that you also found yourself here

if there are any survivors of repetitive, serial infidelity lasting many years?

I don't think so. The cheating is built in, like an engine is built into a car. Like a sim card in a cell phone. Like blueberries in a muffin.

The cheater I married has gone through two SILs, one step-aunt, three or more COWs-at least two married, a single nurse, various waitresses and checkout girls and probably mostly sex workers.

I did throw him out once and regret everyday letting him move back in. My biggest regret, though, is not walking out of the big cathedral the day of the crime. I am not a survivor.

Is it ever possible for a marriage to truly recover or heal from this type of betrayal?

I don't think so. A cheater, a true serial cheater, cheats as a way of life. It's like breathing air for them. Cheating is expensive, as I learned when I suddenly had to cosign a loan for $40,000 to get the cheater I married out of debt.

So you want to stay with a serial cheater? Does he have the opportunity to give money to a sympathetic GF/relative to save? Can he designate someone else as beneficiary to any accounts? Does he have property or investments that you know nothing about?

Then there is the lying. You will never know what your reality is. Cheaters lie all the time. Serial cheaters like lying and practice lying like normal people practice good hygiene.

The stress it takes to be lied to every day, to be suspicious every day, and worse, to eventually not care much anymore, takes its toll. You'll find your body's weakest points. Stomach problems, heart problems, high BP, headaches, getting sick or getting colds more easily. Then there is the damage done to your psyche or your intellect living with a selfish oaf or overaged brat instead of a caring and engaging partner.

I haven't mentioned the callousness. You really aren't a person to the cheater. You can work, cook, be attractive and outgoing, but you're no more real to a serial cheater than what he needs from you. He will wear you down to a little nub as you try not to care or try to ignore.

It's demeaning living with someone who can't care and will never care if you live, die or disappear in a puff of smoke. The years go by fast and your options quickly run out.

Run. Run like there's fire behind you.

Who your WH is will eventually destroy you unless you learn to detach from him and find a way to live your own life, which others have done and do.

I was working on it but still felt devastated and destroyed by him.

I guess your best bet is to get in line with who he really is. Think about the good and the bad in him.

What I have learned is that we all have a good side and a not so good side of our personality. Depends on how much you want to deal with the ugly side of it which in my opinion may not be worth it to put up with his infidelities. But I do get it though. I really loved the things that my deceased WH and I did together.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 3:06 PM, Friday, July 1st]