SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry. The situation is awful. There's no doubt it's stressful and painful for you all.

Originally I wrote something insensitive. My apologies.

Still, I hope you take this time to care for yourself now as well. Please give yourself time to think on what you want to do with the situation.

I agree with grubs.

You do have a problem. You don't know the woman she was around him. Now are wondering which woman is reality. Or at least closer to it.

There should be fallout. If you hadn't found anything, maybe the fallout would have been directly at you. You were driven to verify by her off behavior about him. You found evidence your wife actively chasing a co-worker. That she was having sexual conversations with that man. She was diverting time from you to going to spend it sexting and connecting with him. Marriage shouldn't have secrets like this.

4. Gather more data.

I'd recommend 4. All of the others will leave major doubt in your mind about what exactly you are dealing with. Did she just let some harmless banter get out of hand or was she really seeking an full blown affair that her texts appear to show.

You seem like you would like to know more. Obviously, it would be great to confront and talk it out like a person would in a healthy relationship situation. You know it's not that. She's been keeping things from you and likely won't tell you anything when you do approach her, no matter how you approach the conversation.

At the very least, take the time to decide what you want depending upon what you know and how she reacts to your conversation. Think it through and plan as much as possible. What will you accept and what won't you accept?

It sucks. Sorry you are dealing with this.

(Edit: My original response was not very empathetic or kind.

[This message edited by KitchenDepth5551 at 4:30 AM, Friday, August 29th]

I’m truly sorry to hear about the family crisis with your partner’s stepfather—it’s a heavy load, and it makes sense to hold off on confrontation during this acute time. Prioritizing compassion right now doesn’t mean ignoring the betrayal; it just means timing your actions wisely to avoid escalating chaos. Use this period to steady yourself emotionally and gather any additional evidence discreetly, like backing up those old texts or noting patterns in her current behavior without alerting her.
That said, don’t let this drag on indefinitely. Once the immediate hospice transition stabilizes, address the emotional affair head-on. Lean into your shared history as betrayed spouses to frame the conversation—remind her how suspicion and secrecy eroded her past trust, and how her actions are doing the same to yours now. If she’s as aware and sensitive as you described, this could open her eyes; if not, her response will reveal more about her commitment.
I still recommend having "Not Just Friends" ready as a tool. Suggest reading it together to evaluate her "friendship" against its principles—it shifts the focus from accusation to mutual understanding and boundary-setting. If she dismisses it or gets defensive, that’s a red flag signaling deeper issues, possibly denial or ongoing involvement.
In the meantime, protect your mental health. This limbo is torturous, especially with the invisibility you feel in her exchanges—it’s a classic EA dynamic that erodes your self-worth. Reach out here or to a trusted confidant for support, and consider individual counseling to process the double betrayal from someone who knows the pain infidelity causes.
Hang in there; you’re not alone, and clarity will come. Rooting for you to navigate this with strength.

Without sounding too insensitive, she's likely to be kind of distracted during this time period with her father, and won't likely be thinking about her secrecy quite as much. You'll probably have an easier time obtaining her phone and searching for the truth while she's not as mentally present.

Sorry about the family situation but I still think confronting now is the only way to go.

In fact the present situation might be the entry:
Honey – I want to support you in these hard times, but I know you have a very close relationship with OM. It’s a relationship I am not happy with and I intended to confront you about it before this happened with your step-dad. I believe it’s at least an emotional affair and definitely something that can wreck our relationship.
You need support in these difficult times. If you prefer it be OM then let me know, so I can pull back and let you deal with your family. If you want my support as your husband then let me know, but then you need to be up-front with me about where you and OM are at.

^ Oh that’s good!

Turning the situation into an opportunity, I like it.

Actually I also like Bigger's suggestion more than mine