SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Something I thought of that chilled me to the bone-

I am allergic to anti infmatories (NSAIDs). Very allergic. Last time I took one in high school , I was rushed to the emergency room with a swelling throat. I must have mentioned that to him at least 20 times over the course of our relationship. Everytime the subject of allergies were brought up, I'm sure I mentioned it. (I used to say things repeatedly and he'd make fun of me for it- or even get nasty about how often I repeated myself)

Well his grandmother who lives in another country was in town and went to the doctor and that doctor prescribed her topical NSAIDs. She is also allergic to them and he was outraged that the doctor would prescribe them. I tried to explain that I went through the same scenario recently and the doctor said it is rare for allergies in the topical form and I was ok. I tried them in the patch form and sure enough he was right . No allergic reaction. I told him all this and reminded him yet again I was allergic to them. His response was "oh ill never forget that now" meaning oh now I know that you have the same allergy as my grandmother , that will be easy for me to remember. As if it was the first time he heard that.

I was telling him this over the years in case of some emergency and he could alert whomever that I was allergic and not to administer them. But after all those times, it only stuck recently. When it pertained to his grandmother.

It makes my heart quiver how he could choose to ignore or forget that after being reminded countless times( and being made fun of for it).

I don't know...just wanted to express my thoughts today. No new contact or attempts at contact have been made since the text from last morning. I am hopeful he will see my refusal to reply as the thing he needs to leave me alone.

Just sent this to me....am I being a "vengeful" person?

I didn't think you were a vengeful person, but I may have been wrong. i can't think of another reason why you are ignoring me. For you, our relationship may be over for good and you're distancing yourself to make it easier. But if you're not interested in what i was asking, a simple statement to that effect would have sufficed. It's hard to believe after all we have shared we can't be cordial and have to resort to ignoring/blocking communication. I never thought it would ever come to this as I believed our bond would have carried us through thick and thin. I've never been so close to anyone else in my life and never wanted to try for a future with anyone else. The least you could answer is whether you're even open to the idea of counseling, or if you have just closed the chapter and moved on...

I didn't think you were a vengeful person, but I may have been wrong. i can't think of another reason why you are ignoring me. For you, our relationship may be over for good and you're distancing yourself to make it easier. But if you're not interested in what i was asking, a simple statement to that effect would have sufficed. It's hard to believe after all we have shared we can't be cordial and have to resort to ignoring/blocking communication. I never thought it would ever come to this as I believed our bond would have carried us through thick and thin. I've never been so close to anyone else in my life and never wanted to try for a future with anyone else. The least you could answer is whether you're even open to the idea of counseling, or if you have just closed the chapter and moved on...

"Dear XF,

It is not venegful to realize that you are no longer compatible with another person.

We have broken up for good...like Taylor Swift for good.

I will be at your place at X time to gather my things and drop off yours (sorry, 12 pages is alot to read through, I have no idea of you are living together or not).

After I leave, dont ever contact me again."

Simple enough?

Don't reply to his bullshit, he just wants to draw you in again. Keep up the NC.

NC = no new hurts.

Why are you still reading his texts? Have your friend get their/your stuff (or else just kiss it goodbye), and block him. Do not let him make you doubt yourself.

((((suspicious))))

Oh Fun!! Now he's playing the *guilt* card.....

NC. He's not the boss of you. You don't have to follow his *communication requirements* and do it in the exact fashion that HE expects it done.

Not responding IS a form of communication, right?

Just jumping-in here to give you hugs!! This guy fits a Verbal/Emotional abuser to a tee!!

Another good book is The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. She describes a Verbal/Emotional abuser very well. Verbal Abuse is so much more than name calling. It is a lie told to you or about you that defines you- telling you what you are, what you are not, what you think and what your motives are.

You should be very creeped-out by this guy. He does not seem to view you as a separate person from himself. He cannot even respect that you have a life-threatening allergy. A verbal abuser would not see a big deal here, because HE does not have a problem with NSAIDs, so why would anyone else? I suspect that is why he would also make fun of it.

For you, our relationship may be over for good and you're distancing yourself to make it easier.

He is defining your motives here. How would he know if you are distancing yourself from him to make it easier? He is not you...He is not a woman. He was not cheated-on, etc...You have gone NC- he, in reality, has no idea what you are thinking at this moment. Very big red flag.

Hang in there. NC NC NC... You are a separate person and this loon does not like you showing this independence.

Hugs. ccg

Wow.

What an ass, i know you cant see it now, but trust me, hes an ass!

just stop all communication for a while and get your head round what is going on. i skim read some of the pages tbh, so let me be sure ive got what going on here:

1. he cheated on you numerous times over four years

2. you dont trust him and you feel he isnt committed to a relationship with you.

Is this correct?

so you have it out with him you lay down your boundaries and say its unacceptable, hes just not doing what you need, and you know you deserve more. yes?

so he:

1. sends you an email in which he explains how important it is to be "committed" to a healthy lifestyle.

(wish him good luck - hope his gym equipment gives him all the commitment he requires - luckily they dont answer back, so hes really met his match there)

2. he convinces you that the relationship you have is special above all other 'normal' rules,

3. advises you not to take advice from other people.

4. has not mentioned that he cheated on you and is remorseful for it.

5. blames relationship breakdown on "communication problems" (that he insinuates come from you), and your inability to trust him....

6. fails to even recognize that you don't trust him because he hasnt demonstrated he is worthy of your trust.

7. he helpfully "shares the blame around, so you can take some too, (even though he cant point what you've actually done wrong in the relationship, you're just not agreeing with him at every turn.)

let me also guess:

in all communication about the relationship breaking down does he ever reveal emotions, vulnerability or state exactly what he wants?

I bet he says "i need to defend myself" too.

that's not remorse. and im sorry i dont see any love in any of those emails. i see references to words that relate to love, but no real love. i can see you trying to be strong but then giving him a bit of bait in the Jan emails, but he never catches like you hopes he would, yet he still maintains your love is above all others. BS. If he loved you he wouldn't be letting you leave without doing everything insinuated by your emails.

I know you love him and everyone thinks hes a good catch, he gathers the trappings that make him a good catch so he doesnt have to work on the emotional side of himself.

IME and IMHO, cut all contact, you will feel so much freer. This guy is just not capable of normal empathetic thinking and nothing you say will make him.

If you think you will worry about throwing something away send him an email with your boundaries and be honest (delete your ex gf from FB, etc etc, things you what that you suspect he wont do...but you would absolutely need for a relationship with him)

Then block him, and redirect his emails to a separate folder with a pain in the ass to remember password. (ideally one that you have to drive another persons house to find the scrap of paper that it is written on) that removes that niggling doubt that you've made the wrong decision that will arrive within the year. i guarantee when you check the folder when that time arrives, he wont have emailed, much less have done them.

If (shock, horror) he does those things you're still under no obligation to date him again, you're under no obligation to check the email folder (dont check it every day or every week though!).

but he wont.

you know that deep down.

God forbid he would take a risk and try to make you trust him.

but then again why would he need to - hes such a catch, and hes got all his gym equipment which NEVER spills water on the stove!!!

((((suspicious))))

OK so now i know to make sure i read at least five pages back, not just two pages back skimming the middle bits.

You miss norse mythology...

... but also, you know he's an ass now -

Yay!!!

its overwhelming isn't it all? you're looking pretty strong from where I'm standing.

I didn't think you were a vengeful person, but I may have been wrong. i can't think of another reason why you are ignoring me.

Well there you have it. You've been involved with him for however many years and he can't think of a single reason why you aren't swallowing his bait, except because you're a bad person.

Please just remember that you poured your heart out to him and it didn't matter. It didn't change anything. You told him if things didn't change, you didn't want to be with him. You've SAID all there is to be said. There is no "simple statement" you haven't made. He's saying that he knows you're ignoring his unwanted communication, yet he claims he doesn't know whether or not you still want to go to couples counseling with him? Crazy.

He knows, susp. He knows as clear as a bell that you're distancing yourself for your own peace - he's said as much in the third sentence, and any caring person would understand that, even if they were sad. So the rest of his words are like dragging a piece of yarn on the floor to lure the hiding cat out from under a table. You clearly want space and silence, and he can't respect that.

NC NC NC.

NC would be easier if you could just block his number for real.

My XH is NPD. He was also abusive, both emotionally and physically. I'm telling you this because I have been where you are.

You need to change your phone number and stay NC. Take a loss on the things in his storage. They are not worth having to break NC. Those things are also not worth loosing your life when he goes crazy. I'm not trying to scare you but I can see this ending badly if you meet him in person.

If he starts showing up at your house or job get a restraining order. Please be careful because he seems like he might be starting to flip out.

Also, have you noticed how you have become the bad guy and he's the victim? At least in his mind.

Stay NC.

He just called again. No voicemail.

I found an email I sent in Dec and I wanted to post it. Don't expect anyone to read it but this thread has been a part if my therapy and when I feel weak I come back and read posts. Hell I do that even when I'm not feeling weak. Just by what I've written (and I'm pretty sure I've said it multiple times) he knows exactly why this is over. And Circe and everyone else has been so right and so incredibly helpful. Circe when you translated his latest text to me it made me talk out loud to my computer. I didn't even think about how he was turning the tables on my and saying the only reason he can think of for my not responding is because I'm a spiteful person. This person really is unbalanced and I'm starting to question mine for being with him for so long.

I sent this email in dec-----

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 9:12 AM, April 19th (Friday)]

suspicious247, if he is NPD, which I think he is but I'm not a doctor, these people work you over time. You probably didn't even know he was doing this.

THIS WAS SENT IN DECEMBER 2011!! 2011! MY INTERNAL 2013 REACTIONS IN CAPS. IF I CNA FIND HIS REPSONSE I WILL POST IT

I probably shouldn't be telling you this because I would like it to be heartfelt, initiated by you, and thought out, but I have been waiting for an apology. LOL IM STILL WAITING I answered the phone on Saturday night because I thought I'd get one.

I need declaration/admission that -

1. You've acted "off" for a very long time now and will try to figure out why. Why you get angry and defensive so easily. Why you give me the impression that you don't want to spend time with me. Why you withdraw from me emotionally. Why the frequent silent treatments. Why you won't communicate effectively. Why you tell me yes you want to spend time with me, then when we get together you act distant, bored, like you don't want to be there. Why when you are upset about something, you don't tell me. Why you resent me. Why you yell and try to hurt my feelings. Why you don't take me seriously. Why you feel the need to devalue me. Why you think Im irrational. Why the focus is mostly on you and rarely on me. Why you tell me you don't care what we do (whether its where to eat, how to spend a Sunday afternoon, how to spend a Saturday night), then when I suggest things say you don't want to do that or act pouty when we are doing what I want. You care, so speak your mind! I'm not a mind reader, and I've been forced to do that because you won't talk to me.

2. I need a declaration that you want to be more empathetic with me. the sharing of another's emotions, esp of sorrow or anguish; pity; compassion

3. That you are committed (more than ever) to making this work. If you are at the end of your rope, how can I possibly want to keep this together given that we are here bc of your lies and/or omissions. I need to hear you are fully committed to my healing for as long as it takes and are willing to wait for me. Be patient with me. Be kind to me. Be considerate of me, and my time. You should be putting in at least 60% of the effort for this relationship. It's not 50/50 anymore. It's now skewed towards you.

4. That you understand my need to check up/verify things at times bc trust was broken. The lies from '09 and '10 further damaged my ability to trust. You say to trust you but the last time I did that I was hurt terribly. Verifying things makes me feel better and solidifies my confidence that the trust factor is getting better. And I only verfiy when you are acting withdrawn, upset, not speaking your mind to me. When you do that it makes me start to question things. When you say things like "I don't want to marry someone who doesn't trust me" this far out, it's a red flag. That statement should always be followed up with "and I'll do anything to gain it back" to make me feel safe. Otherwise it's counter-productive and not conducive to a happy, harmonious, balanced relationship. If you don’t want to be with someone who doesn't trust you then you shouldn't have been untrustworthy. Trust is fragile. It's easy to break and hard to repair. Putting those pieces together is painstaking work. If I wasn't completely in love with you I wouldn't bother with it. I'm here doing everything I can.

5. That you understand there can be no more lies. Not even little ones. How am I supposed to trust you with big things, if you are lying or ommitting small stuff. I need to hear that you're willing to give me 100% transparency. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

6. That you understand that you're reactions to my verifying/checking are counter-productive. Everytime you threaten to end things (last weekend you actually did). That's no way for me to heal and the wrong way for you to handle it. If you don't like how I conduct myself, than you can leave this relationship at any time. What I'm asking that you not berate me, demean me, tell me to "shut up" or say or do things to hurt me. Just break up with me. There is no reason to try and make me feel worse. THIS IS SO SAD AND SCARY TO ME. IVE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS FOR SO LONG WHAT IN THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH ME.

(at this point you are most likely saying to yourself that my checking is counter-productive. As I've stated before it makes me feel better and solidifies my confidence that the trust factor is getting better. And again, I only do it when I feel you pulling away from me in whatever manner) HERE I AM – KNOWING HE”S TUNING OUT AND GETTING DEFENSIVE

7. I need to hear that you are willing to spend some time with my friends, and that you want me to spend time with your friends. And then let's actually DO it. Talk is cheap. If we can't fix this one issue, I'm certain we are doomed. It dawned on me last weekend, we are in this postion where you think I hate your friends. Do some of them make me uneasy? Sure, and you know why. BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL CHEATERS TOO. But I have never said I won't hang out with them or try to build relationships with them. Because of this, you passively refuse to hang out with my friends. I sense this so I never suggest we get together with them. So we end up hanging together alone all the time. It is a vicious cycle. I always choose you over my friends because you are mybest friend. But because of this I'm perceived by my friends to be uninterested in maintaining a relationship with them. They don't know about this "friend" dynamic you and I have going on in our relationship. I'm in a position where I only have you. If it doesn't work out with you, I will have NO friends. This is just not right.

So…..that is what I'm waiting for. An apology. An aknowledgement that my feelings are valid and that you can see how I feel that way. The fact that I have to tell you this is cause for concern. I'm gathering that you don't feel you have done anything wrong or that I am owed an apology. Otherwise you would have done it right?

Crazy ex boyfriend, my love for you is so deep and true. It goes beyond explanation. I've said this many times, but I would do anything for you. I'd die for you. I'd take myself out of your life if meant happniess for you. I know we both wouldn't be doing this if we didn't love each other. But is love enough? I've been depressed too. I'm not the same person I used to be. This has changed me. I want to get back to that old person that everyone loved to be around. I was funny, witty,intelligent, beautiful, sweet, life of the party, had friends, had incredible self-confidence. I worked out, took care of myself. Its all gone now. I hope I can get that person back with you in my life. But the longer this carries on, the further away that person looks to me. I'm scared of losing myself completely.

If you feel that you cannot provide a heartfelt apology for all of the above then I would like to end this relationship. Until you see things from my perspective and make this relationship a priority and willing to look inward to find the answers to these questions, I do not see a reason to move forward. I have given you my everything. My heart, my time, my love, my life, made you my #1 priority, loved you unconditionally, let you back into my life when you singlehandedly caused me complete devastation. I try to be understanding, I try to be accomodating. I try to do whatever pleases you. Except for the working out thing, and that is not about meeting your emotional needs. I think my lack of taking care of myself stems from my depression.

I want everything I have given to you in return or nothing at all.

If you have any response other than complete remorse then please don't respond. I don’t want to hurt anymore, and I don't want my shortcomings to be pointed out to me. I'm already hard enough on myself, I don't need it from anyone else. If I don’t hear from you, I will assume you disagree with everything I have said and we can just let it go. No fights, no drama, just an end to a chapter in our lives.

If I don’t hear from you I wish you all good things. I'll always remember the times we had together, and you will have a special place in my heart. I appreciate everything you've done for me, and thank you for all the good times we've shared. I'll always remember them.

Always,

Suspicioud247

I didn't even think about how he was turning the tables on my and saying the only reason he can think of for my not responding is because I'm a spiteful person

Of course you didn't. My guess is that he's *trained* you to go into defense mode or to do something to *prove* that you AREN'T what he's saying you are.

There are a lot of us here that have dealt with guys Just Like Yours. Don't beat yourself up and *not seeing* it and allowing yourself to *live with it* for so long. It typically happens so gradually and subtly over a period of time that you just don't realize it until it's too late.

The BEST way to extricate yourself and to ensure that you won't find yourself in this position again is to develop extremely firm and strong boundaries. <--That is straight out of my therapist's mouth.

He calls you vengeful because he doesn't like the method that you are using to keep yourself safe? So.What? Fuck him. You need it and HE should respect that need.

Also keep in the back of your mind when reading any of his communications.....that he NEVER refers to his cheating. Huge red flag!

He didnt respond. He said he wanted to talk about it 'in person'. Typical. it was so long ago i dont remembe rthe conversation but Im sure as most do, it went nowhere.

his response

I wanted to discuss all of the below on Saturday and yesterday. I guess you weren’t ready to do that, which is totally fine. I would like to discuss all this in person if possible. I want to print this out and go through it one by one. Would you be open to that or do you want a written response?

Me

If you wanted to discuss it on Saturday why didn't you bring it up? How do I know what you want to discuss if you don't say anything?

I would have talked to you if at any time you had said "Suspicious I am sorry about everything, please talk to me" but there was no such text or VM.

If you want to go through this line by line and pick apart everything I've said and are not going to be apologetic, then no , I dont want to do this in person.

Him

I didn’t bring it up because I was sitting in the car with groceries and I didn’t want to interrupt the conversation. You then said that you were going to take a bath and you would call me back, but I didn’t hear back. I was at my house all day on Saturday and I needed to get out for a little bit so I met up with friends. So I tried to reach you yesterday, but you weren’t responding back. And I didn’t send a text or a VM because what is the point of saying that over text or VM. It’s better said in person. I’m not going to pick apart everything you have said. But it should be open for discussion so you do not get the wrong impression about some things, which I think you do. I AM sorry!

Ughhhh I cant believe how long ive put up with all of this. I gave him my best years

Another exchange I found from January '13. Looks like I was seriously starting to lose my shit during this time. Start at end - this is an email thread. (if anyone is even reading this stuff anymore). I dont know why I am TBH. I guess it is helping with my resolve that I have said this to him over and over again.

HIM -

You’re right, this has to stop. Talk about condescending, your entire text is just that

ME -

You saying “anal retentive” is not the pedestal part!!!!!!!!!!!! Its you saying that “I” DON’T CARE ABOUT THINGS. Hello??????!!!!!!!!!!!!! Saying “Not rocket science” is also a dig!!! Are you completely delusional?. You are condescending and I will not allow you to speak to me in that manner.

Not rocket science is RIGHT. Get a clue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You said “I don’t care about things”. You say “I don’t think before I speak”. How is that NOT A DIG????????????????????????? I mean seriously WTH

We are going nowhere. You are NOT sorry for treating me like sh!t. You are NOT sorry for speaking down to me. YOU are NOT sorry for making me feel like I’m not good enough for you because you yell at me and tell me not to spill water on MY OWN OVEN ect etc. YOU ARE NOT SORRY. END OF STORY. If someone told me the things I was telling you, I would fall all over myself apologizing and trying to make things right. You have no interest in that. You know why? Because you are not wrong in your eyes and I can never change that. I can never get you to see things from any other perspective other than your own.

YOU NEVER SAID YOU WOULD DO WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE IT WORK. REREAD YOUR TEXT> If you would do what it takes to work don’t you think you would call me rather than send a text 12 hours after I sent you one?

DO you think I am insane, stupid and a complete idiot?

Don’t tell me I don’t want to work on things. I am the one going to counseling. I am the one reading relationship books and books about arguing. I am asking you to fill out sentences to see where I’m failing you. You don’t care HOW YOU ARE FAILING ME! You know what I guess I am a complete idiot. I am the racking my brain how to fix this royal mess we are in. I DON’T SEE YOU DOING ANNNNNNNYYYYY OF THAT.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The reason the spilling of the water escalated was NOT because you calmly and sweetly told me not to spll it. You talked to me like a was a f’ing idiot and were completely condescending about it, when I was trying to do something NICE FOR YOU. Talk about ungrateful.

When I say take me as I am, I don’t mean you have to like evrythign about me and not expect for me to change. I am human and human evolve all the time. I mean that if you have conditions on whether you will be with me or not based on some perceived personality flaw, then it’s not worth it. I am not telling you your flaws are causing me not to want to marry you or be your girlfriend. I am ready to take you wth you flaws, IF YOU ARE WILLING TO WORK ON THEM> AS I AM.

IF I HAD SAFE AND SUPPORTIVE ENVIRONMENT TO DO IT IN.

But you are mean and nasty, condescending and downright rude sometimes. You can tell me not to smack my food, or listen to you, or not leave things in the doorway without raising your voice or being ridiculing about it. And I guarantee you would have better results.

THIS HAS TO STOP. When you are ready to take responsibility and you can see you are acting completely unacceptable and condescending and passive aggressive and name calling and everything mean in the book. When you realize you are doing that let me know. If you will never realize it than we can’t be together. I wish that weren’t the case but I have no choice. I have to watch out for my best interest and make sure my heart and head are taken care of.

You are the MAN and it is your responsibility to figure this out.

HIM -

How is saying that I’m anal retentive putting myself on a pedestal????? Are anal retentive people thought of highly in society? I was making a dig at MYSELF and only YOU could take that and flip it 180degrees and say I am putting myself on pedestal!!

____________________________________________________________

ME -

I guess I meant I’m at a loss for what we’re supposed to do. I know it isn’t anything you haven’t said before. I wanted to hear that you would do whatever it takes to make things work. That you feel partly responsible for the state we are in.

You didn’t address 70% of what I wrote. And you had to throw in digs. About how “you” think about what you say, but I don’t. How “I don’t care as much about things – and you’re anal retentive.” You are putting me down while putting yourself on a pedestal. It makes me feel hopeless and takes me further away from wanting a future with you.

You say that you don’t want to feel responsible for holding me back but because we have this deadline you get frustrated with things easily. DO you think that this “impending deadline” is an excuse to act unkind to me? Give me the silent treatment, act like something is wrong but when asked about it say “nothing’. Get mad at me for smacking my food, calling me ungrateful, not leaving the doorway open when moving, not answering the phone in Playa, getting too loud in a restaurant, getting angry with me for spilling water on my stove top, saying I don’t care about health because I don’t work out, getting angry and taking it personally when I say I’m hot or cold, etc etc.

The problem is here is that you have a long laundry list of things I do that get on your nerves.

My list is short. Being late, talking down to me, not saying what is on your mind. Your list goes on and on. This is just not in the last 6 weeks either, you’ve been getting angry about things for a long long time. (think Cabo). So I can’t believe that you’re frustration and anger is only because of this deadline. I’m sorry, I just can’t

I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. All . The. Time. You’re constantly annoyed with me. How is that fun?? How can I be what you want if I’m feeling that way?

I have said this before, - I don’t think anything is going to change unless you are willing to change. I have said I am willing to change and work on things – on the text….you didn’t mentioned ANYTHING to that effect.

My list of grievances is much less than yours. So I have to ask you what you want? This list of grievances is just in the past 6 weeks, but they go back for a long long time. This question is for you to answer. I am ok with my list and can live with it. The ball is in your court, this is only a question you can answer. Maybe this is just the surface of things that are bothering you , and maybe there’s more to it and maybe you don’t even know what “that” is. Life is going to get more and more challenging and if we can’t get over these small things, how are we going to deal with a death or illness in the family, or finances or raising kids?

This really should not be this complicated and if it is then maybe the writing on the wall. The list speaks for itself. Can you physically change the way you treat me? I don’t feel fulfilled, safe and supported most of the time. The times that are good aren’t enough to carry us through rough waters.

You have to decide if you can live with me, AS I AM. Not want to change me. If you want to change me, then maybe we aren’t right for each other. I’m looking for someone who likes me for me and takes me AS I AM. After all it is much easier to change for someone who is sweet and supportive and that change doesn’t hinge on the state of our relationship. I don’t feel that way with you. I feel you saying, change or I’m out the door. If that is how you feel, then maybe the door is where you should go.

I’m sorry we are in this place but something has to give. We can’t continue this way…for both of our sanity sake. Please give some major thought into this and take all the time you need.

HIM -

I re-read my text multiple times also and I don’t understand why you are at a loss for words…I didn’t say anything that I haven’t said before…

ME -

If “WXBF” would only accept me for who I am and not want to change me, then I would feel safe, secure and happy.

I read and reread your text and I’m sort of at a loss for words.

I guess we both have a lot of thinking to do…

HIM -

Hi, still thinking about this one. It’s not something that I think can be summarized into one sentence. I don’t think you need to do anything in particular to make me feel a certain way. I think it’s oversimplifying everything. I know you’re trying to take small steps to try and see my point of view, etc. and I want to do the same. I just don’t think it can be that simplified…If the question were reversed, what would you say?

ME -

Hi…so I know you are probably going to think this is really super lame, but….when you have extra time on your hands, would you mind filling out the sentence below? I think it would help me understand where you’re coming from. I’m just trying to understand your point of view, where I’m failing you, etc…

If Suspicious247 would only _______, then I could feel _______.

No rush, feel free to take all the time you need to think about it.

Ughhhh I cant believe how long ive put up with all of this. I gave him my best years

No, no, no. Your best years are coming, now that you've dumped the useless baggage.

He's a complete crazymaker. Period.

Suspi:

I read and reread your text and I’m sort of at a loss for words

CrazyMaker:

I re-read my text multiple times also and I don’t understand why you are at a loss for words…I didn’t say anything that I haven’t said before…

Suspi:

<then sends *long-ass* missive>

Crazymaker:

How is saying that I’m anal retentive putting myself on a pedestal????? Are anal retentive people thought of highly in society? I was making a dig at MYSELF and only YOU could take that and flip it 180degrees and say I am putting myself on pedestal!!

Suspi:

<sends another *long missive*, but this one includes lots of YELLING and also> THIS HAS TO STOP. When you are ready to take responsibility and you can see you are acting completely unacceptable and condescending and passive aggressive and name calling and everything mean in the book. When you realize you are doing that let me know

Crazymaker:

You’re right, this has to stop. Talk about condescending, your entire text is just that

Good Lord, Suspi. Can you see what he was doing?

He *plays dumb* and keeps you in perpetual *explain yourself* mode. And when you do that, he *plays dumb* again. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. He's the puppet-master and you are his puppet.

He never actually addresses your concerns. He never engages in a real conversation with you.

He just turns it around onto you.

This dude has *playing the victim* down to a science.

If Suspicious247 would only _______, then I could feel _______.

No rush, feel free to take all the time you need to think about it.

Sweetie - I know this is from a long time ago, but this hit me in the face like a sledgehammer.

Do you see how, by asking this question, you are making yourself responsible for how he feels?

That is the very definition of codependent.

Wow... I feel like I'm looking into a mirror 12 years ago (my XWF who I, thankfully, did NOT marry)! I was young, and stupid though. I couldn't see what an @ss he was right in front of my face. I kept going back, and going back, and going back. He made ME feel sorry for HIM when he abused me, and cheated on me... The moment I stood up for myself, he was all apologies and grand gestures, and then we'd go back into the same abusive cycle.

YOU are breaking the cycle. Just keep up NC. It really is only giving him an "in". It's an invitation for more NPD sewage from his mouth, more stringing you along, more abuse (because all of this crap is at LEAST emotional abuse).

You are really doing SO well. Honestly... keep it up. It's hard, I know, but KEEP IT UP. You can and will get through this... and you have AMAZING, HEALTHY, HAPPY years ahead!

[This message edited by TXMommy at 12:04 PM, April 19th (Friday)]