SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not bc I'm a gold digger. I make a good living. But because it was very generous of him and I interpreted that as love in my warped mind

How is it generosity if he keeps the receipts to throw in your face like that?

That's not generosity, it's just another hook.

I'm reading "why does he do that" and holy shit. This should be required reading for every female . I'm In utter disbelief . The writing is all.over.the.wall

I mean seriously. Is this like horoscopes where you can relate to all of them? I'm flipping out

not that I haven't been flipping out this whole week/month/year/relationship.

I am in a constant state of confusion and this book is almost making it

worse. Like could I really have been that naive?

How could he fit almost every single type?

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 4:54 PM, April 8th (Monday)]

I'm not sure what to do. Read more , respond here. I thought reading more and enlightening myself would help me answer with some kind of clarity. It's like ....should I spend time on this thread, in npd area, reading about emotional abuse? I'm overwhelmed at the choices and just realiZing that I have been in a war zone for so long. And how destructive this has all been for me. No I have not responded to his request for counceling. Yes I am planning to go to ic. Have been many times to many different ones throughout this relationship. None has really helped but maybe I was in denial. I can't even remember what they told me other than to read "women who love too much" and I did . And did NOT relate.

I'm in sensory overdrive or something.

And I plan to respond to every question asked of me on this thread . Just as soon as I get a grip

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 5:08 PM, April 8th (Monday)]

And my father did not leave my mother because she was "too fat". She's following this thread because I demanded it. She didn't want to read my posts from years ago. Sorry mom that is true. But my father was an ass who treated her like shit and she gained weight and was abused by him too. I was marginalizing her experience to make a point to my ex. It was way deeper than she got fat and he left her. But all you are so smart you know that. Sorry mom. You should talk about your experiences here too. It helps I swear

You're doing great, susp. It's ok to choose just one or two things to focus on rather than get overwhelmed with info.

I've never heard of that book, but wow, the first review on Amazon was dead on what people here have been saying, especially about couples counseling. I'm so glad you're finding things to relate to and great information!

If you're overwhelmed, why not just choose one or two places to immerse yourself. The book and the NPD thread? Or wherever you feel comfortable. Get through the crisis time, hon. You're doing just fine.

Susp,

Calm...

Calm...

Calm..

Your eyes have been opened and the light is blinding you. You are overwhelmed. Yes, you are confused as to how you could have not seen more of this before. Give yourself time to figure it all out. You loved, you trusted, you hoped, you wanted, you tried, and you gave. But you did not see what was real. Now you do. Take time to figure it out for yourself and use it to grow. Maybe make this the starting point with the IC.

For now, prioritize.

1. Protect yourself from more injury from him. Do this by completely eliminating him from your life, which you are now doing.

2. Start finding ways to heal. You have been injured. Start to heal yourself.

I feel for you, because I know you're hurting and are in shock. This is a lot to try and absorb in a short period of time. Be kind to yourself. Calm.

Someone mentioned the "new beginnings" thread but I feel like I belong in "jfo".....even through my dd was 3 years ago on 4/20

Hmmm

Ha I just realized a he will use 4/20 as an excuse for my behavior and think ill get over it like the past 3 yrs. I can see the text now. I got one exactly like it last year

" you've been acting 'off' bc it's our cheating anniversary" ( paraphrasing for effect)

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 10:37 PM, April 8th (Monday)]

On the one hand it's great that you can identify the pattern for what it is, and try not to be taken by surprise.

But on the other hand - you no longer have to predict, anticipate, fear and stress over his next move. You can be done with that now. That knee-jerk "what move will he pull next, and how will I react to it" response can be dismantled.

You no longer have to read his texts.

You can put all the focus and energy you used on him, back onto yourself. Focus on you. Focus on learning, recovering, finding peace.

Don't worry about belonging to a single forum. Just read a bit and see what jumps out at you.

Do you have a good NC plan? I'm thinking you still have your same cell number, so do you have friends and a support system to help get through the rough times?

But on the other hand - you no longer have to predict, anticipate, fear and stress over his next move. You can be done with that now. That knee-jerk "what move will he pull next, and how will I react to it" response can be dismantled.

You no longer have to read his texts.

You can put all the focus and energy you used on him, back onto yourself. Focus on you. Focus on learning, recovering, finding peace

^^^yes. This. Do you feel this way, yet, at all? This is when you start to reclaim your "head space". You'll have to get to the point where you feel safe, safe in that you know he can no longer hurt you. Do you feel any of that, yet?

My opinion, btw, is that new beginnings is not for you now. You're still in a crisis. The last thing you need now is a new beginning. It reminds me of when I told my best friend that my wife had cheated on me and that we were getting a divorce. After saying he was sorry to hear that, etc., he said, "Oh! Oh! What about Suzy? She's single and....blah, blah." I just said, I'm ready yet. It's been more than a year and I'm still not ready yet. I need to heal a bit more first. In any case, new beginnings is not for you right now, IMHO!

Good luck handling today. Give 'em hell (which, of course, is the opposite of my advice to "calm")! Sorry about that! Good luck with today.

Like could I really have been that naive?

People like him are VERY good at what they do. Very. If they showed you who they really were from day 1, you would be gone before lunch! They know how to act, how to appear not only normal, but appealing. They are exceptionally good at working people and situations to their agendas.

As for naive - you took him as he presented himself. You took every interaction at face value. You had no idea all the machinations behind the scenes because he was so very good at cloaking them. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain...

That doesn't say anything negative about you. You trusted. You accepted. You believed. Those are good traits in a healthy relationship of equals. Problem is, that's not the relationship you had.

Keep breathing, honey. Take this stuff in doses, give them time and space to soak in, and continue to live your life. Go for a walk. Watch a movie. Laugh yourself silly with friends.

You can put all the focus and energy you used on him, back onto yourself. Focus on you. Focus on learning, recovering, finding peace

As the poster who suggested New Beginnings, this is what I meant, and still mean (as NB is not about new relationships with significant others, rather about a new relationship with oneself). And that is about introspection as well as keeping a dialogue and relationship with a wider world. I was also the poster who suggested the NPD thread as that can also be very much about celebration of self as well as helping to understand the roots of one's initial vulnerability to the disordered other. (For example, the roots of Suspicious's need for marriage, and in particular for a proposal at all costs, and why this led her to ignore the croakings of the frog in prince's garb until they became too loud to drown out).

And so I do not feel she is 'in crisis', but rather an awakening, even if a little bewildering at first, where it is not the Prince's kiss that has awoken her, but rather the sharpness and clarity of her need to survive and thrive, and to no longer ignore the underlying disquiet.

Edie wrote:

I do not feel she is 'in crisis', but rather an awakening, even if a little bewildering at first, where it is not the Prince's kiss that has awoken her, but rather the sharpness and clarity of her need to survive and thrive, and to no longer ignore the underlying disquiet.

You should write a book, lol. I love this. It's exactly where I'm at, and Suspi, there's plenty of room here in this place. We can enjoy this space together.

Hi Everyone....

It's been a while since I've posted. I hadn't heard from him in a while and I haven't reached out to him either. I spent my time reading self help books, trying to decompress, keeping to myself and reflecting on everything that has happened. Read old journals regarding him, old emails etc etc. Just to remind myself of how insane I felt and how unhappy I was.

Until yesterday

I got a text from him last night and I was too scared to read it. I finally summoned the courage to read it today and here is what it states. Interested in your opinions? I am thinking I should just not respond so as to not open the lines of communication.

Just to remind everyone, the last text he sent me was asking if I'd be willing to go to counseling.

Last night's text read

"Hi dont mean to disturb you but I have been wondering why you didnt respond to my question from earlier. Do you feel like it would be a waste of time? ((yes)) Did you not get that text? Are you just over it? Is it too late for that option?"

I actually thought I might not hear from him again, it has been a while since I heard from him.

Don't respond. This guy has shown you who he is repeatedly.

You deserve more. Much, much more. Stay the NC course!

He's ramping up the dangling carrots.

Be prepared for more of the "I really thought you were the woman I wanted to marry. But if you aren't willing to go to counseling then you aren't who I thought you were" assaults. He will attempt contact so he can see you in pain. He needs that like he needs air. I'm so sad you have to put up with this especially since it is designed to make you question yourself.

There is a very true saying here at SI. NC = No New Hurts

Stay NC. Replying only invites more pain and more craziness.

You've said he's a smart man, so I'm sure you know that he knows what is going on. You've told him how you feel, you've said everything there is to say. There aren't any misunderstandings. He's looking for you to be weak, to miss him, need him, think he's changed enough to pull you back into the horrible, exhausting cycle.

You deserve to decompress, heal, become happy in yourself again. The only way you can do that is to keep yourself emotionally safe right now. And the only way you can do that is to keep your boundary up and maintain no contact.

I remember being scared when new texts would come in. It sucks. It's not a normal dynamic. There's nothing loving or trustworthy about that.

Keep doing what you're doing and maintain NC - it's a healthy path for you.

He is fishing. Here fishie, fishie, fishie...

Gee, suspicious hasn't been suspicious lately, I wonder what she's up to?

Please keep up the NC..

"if anyone has any BOOK recommendations"

Have you read Dr. Phil's new book?

Life Code: The New Rules for Winning in the Real World:

It’s time to learn how the world really works, not how you wish it worked, not how it should work, but how it really works. If you’ve been doing everything “by the book,” and your life still isn’t where you want it be, you’ve been reading the wrong book. Life Code: The New Rules for Winning in the Real World will empower you to become a leader of your own life, and just as importantly, protect yourself and those you love.

“Life is a game — and you will either be a player or be the one played,” explains Dr. Phil. “Yesterday’s rules and expectations about relationships, emotions and interacting just simply don’t apply any more, not like they used to … and those who figure that out and adapt to the current world will have an incredible edge.” This book will create an urgent awareness within readers, and help them become street-smart and savvy.

Life Code offers readers a rare glimpse inside the minds of “bad guys” we all have in our lives, in the form of a “Secret Playbook,” that spells out exactly how the users, abusers and exploiters think and act. But it goes so much further, revealing the “Sweet 16” powerful tools that the world’s most successful people know and use on a daily basis to get what they want and keep it.

Hugs!

-JD

And so I do not feel she is 'in crisis', but rather an awakening, even if a little bewildering at first, where it is not the Prince's kiss that has awoken her, but rather the sharpness and clarity of her need to survive and thrive, and to no longer ignore the underlying disquiet.

Sleeping beauty is a great story if you go with the Norse version.

See, this Valkyrie, Brynhildr, she's Odin's favorite. He gives her more rune secrets than any of them, she's smarter, tougher, cooler, all around class act and divine ass kicker. One day she's out bathing and this prince - pretty slick dude, not a bad guy - sees her, snags her magic cloak of feathers or whatever it is (I can't remember because that part is so close to the selkies and I get confused) and only promises to give it back if she marries him. So she does, they do their thing, whatever.

So then this prince goes to war with some old king, and Odin decides the old king will win, but Brynhild says fuck you Odin, my boy is the winner. Odin, naturally, gets pissed off and strips away her divinity, but since she's so awesome he gives her a single boon before he does that and she asks that she only be married to the most noble of men and greatest of warriors. Odin says hey that's cool, by the way I'm sticking you in a remote castle surrounded by ten different kinds of magical fires that have their own names (it would be awesome if JJ Abrams got to do Snow White with fire elementals instead of dwarfs) and other crazy shit and everyone forgets about her because that's the last you hear about her in the myth cycles.

Then the guy who wakes her up is Sigurd, the guy who told Regin to go fuck himself and his treasure (Regin was a god of some kind or another), made him re forge the shards of Gram, the sword his ancestor pulled from a big ass tree where Odin stuck it, rides around on his awesome horse, kills the dragon Fafnir because winning a bunch of wars for his step dad who took him and his mom in and was cool to them wasn't awesome enough.

I dunno. Sorry. Sleeping Beauty is so much cooler when she's some Fly Around And Stab You With A Magic Spear And Shout Angry Words Of Power That Will Turn You Into Coffee Creamer than a helpless twat mooning around for Prince Underwear Model. Also it has a better message about self worth and values vs. authority figures.

eta:

Oh yeah, point - Sigurd didn't buy his way in, even after he won the treasures of Andvari from Fafnir (That is it right? Fafhrd is the Barbarian guy from Lankhmar?) that the gods themselves paid out in ransom to Regin and Fafnirs father because, basically, Loki was a capricious asshole.

So Prince Charming is really about being awesome and worthy of the Sleeping Beauty by her own choice, after being too awesome for the gods.

eta again:

Now I think about it that story had kind of a bad ending for everyone involved. Nevermind.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 12:26 PM, April 15th (Monday)]