Thanks Red Baron.
When I said 'Breaking the support mold', I meant that some people, though very well intentioned and they have helped a lot of people here, will cheerlead you in whatever direction you want to go, despite their reservations.
This is not an attack on this board or my fellow posters, most of whom I have the utmost respect for.
I guess I am one of those who are very blunt say what's on my mind, despite the outcome of it. I recognize that's not always the best thing either.
Look, Red Baron, I now understand that you are right, you can't force her out.
Let me address your roller coaster if I can
Your first point
My thoughts are still all over the place. There are times when I think to simply tell her to get the F out, tell everyone who she is, and move on to the next phase of my life, whatever it brings. Just like the ripping off the bandage example igotthis gave.
This is an option you are fully entitled to and many here would never blame you for that. She broke the rules, not you. She took your heart and threw it into a woodchipper. As far as I'm concerned, she doesn't even deserve to be in your presence since you are an upstanding guy who took his vows seriously and has been very badly hurt by all of this. I would not blame you if you went this route.
Then there are other times when I am so so terribly scared of being alone, having built my whole life around it.
I get this, I really do. Yes, I could say 'there are many fish in the sea and there are but being an infidelity board, I would feel wrong to tell you to go looking for others. I refuse to do that. I can tell you that a good guy like you won't be alone though. Further, let's look at hobbies, small trips, friends, and other interests. I have so many interests in my own life that if a disaster happened with my wife, I would move into those interests to fill the void. Fortunately my current marriage is rock solid and she is interested in my interests. Many people who would 'feel alone' have many things they can do. One buddy of mine who went through a nasty divorce just took up the hobby of restoring cars. He just restored an Olds 442 from 1968. beautiful machine. His friends would come over and help out (male bonding time), his focus would be on something other than his failed marriage, and he worked out and improved himself to the point that he grew independent and is much better off today. That's just one way of dealing with the fear of 'being alone'.
Other times I think I should at least give this another shot, another chance, maybe the relationship deserves one chance. I think of an ideal situation where I have (and we have) overcome this huge catastrophe and come back stronger than before at the other side.
As one of the best posters on this board has said, his name is Bigger, marriages that survive such an event only come out stronger because of the work put in to the marriage due to recovering from infidelity rather than the marriage getting better due to infidelity. Marriage is never better because someone cheats. In my experience, weak marriages can rebound from infidelity due to such work. Strong marriages rarely do because there's not much to fix but the damage will always linger. In your case, I am not sure how strong your marriage was initially. However, if you want to give it one last run to see if it can survive, then I would suggest you have strong and rigorous boundaries put into place. Further, she can't resist those boundaries. Otherwise, you are no safer in your marriage than you were before. I would also suggest weekly if not multiple discussions weekly to air your concerns and hers. Noone waats to give up on 10 years as a betrayed spouse. On the other hand, I often wonder how many times a wayward spouse is all too eager to give up on 10 years. Was the marriage worth that much more to you than it was to her ? If so, does saving it mean so much more to you than her ? Just thinking... that's all
Yet at other times I think, lets just enjoy the good and remove the bad, I don't need to trust her, or love her, If I stop expecting those then I won't be hurt by the lack of those; maybe I can live enjoying what we have common and not have those parts that can potentially hurt me.
Don't do this, you deserve to be happy full time. Living in a marriage you don't care about will go one of two directions It will either be fake and lack content and cheating will begin again or you are depriving yourself of a meaningful and stable homelife and marriage. I get blocking out the bad, but will that lead to this whole thing being rugswept away some day ?
Then there are other times when I feel like I should stay with her and make her life miserable for as long as I can, break her like she broke me. Serve some justice, make her pay.
Ahh... the revenge factor. And trust me, I do get this. And in many cases, it's warranted. However, it also keeps you in misery too because misery feeds revenge. Be the upstanding guy. Sure, make her feel every consequence you possibly can, just like a felon on parole. But then if your goal is to ultimately get out of the marriage, do so quickly and decisively and I can tell you this, it's better that both sides, even if one was the wrong party, to walk away in one piece. Otherwise, there can be a lifetime of back and forth where you never escape the hell that has been created for you. You need to come to the decision pretty quickly IMO on what you want to do. Many people tell you that you have time. I always disagreed with this. yes, have a full body of facts before you that you make judgments on but don't linger in limbo too long. Sometimes, it's hard to get out of
Remember , no kids make the break cleaner. It can also make potential reconciliation easier as the focus will be on you from her. However, my concern about your case has always been her personality before the infidelity combined with the utter gall to cheat on you practically in front of your face.
What positive things has she done since moving back in ?
What was her motive in moving back in ?
How have you reacted to co-existing with her for now when in the same house ?
Is this a business transaction in moving back in or what is she up to ?
Just some thoughts here
