Four weeks ago, I found out that my wife of 10 years, who I have been with for over 12 years, has been cheating on me with a close friend of ours, for almost 9 months.
To say that this has been the most harrowing, gut-wrenching, shattering, soul crushing experience for me since the death of my father 16 years ago would still be an understatement.
Me and her met 12 years ago, she was (and still is) an exceptionally attractive woman, but also a very stand-offish person, who people find hard to approach (but love dearly once they know). So initially when we met, I found that quite alluring, and took it as a challenge to break that hard outer shell. It was a tough ask, but as soon as that ‘shell’ was broken, we found out that we loved each other very very strongly. We went from height to height after that, discovered that we were both absolutely mad about each other, that we had each found our soul-mate, just the person we were looking for. We got married less than two years later.
Over this time, many people, from close friends and family, to colleagues meeting us at dinner or even acquaintances we met rarely; very often and openly commented on how they thought we were the perfect couple, or we seemed ‘Ideal’. Some said they were envious of how fresh and totally into each other we were even after so many years of marriage. And we both knew it, and felt it, we very often talked about how blessed we were and how despite all the usual hardships or ups and down of life, we had this, us, which made everything so easy to bear. Our home was our paradise, the place both of us yearned to be, with each other. Sex life was fantastic, we enjoyed almost everything together in terms of interests, from drinking to watching sports, to cooking, reading, travelling, a deep love for the same music; we had an almost unbelievable amount of common dreams, hobbies and fun. Life was actually perfect, couldn't possibly be better, and to repeat, we both realized it, counted our blessings together very often and cherished every moment of it. We realized and were always extremely thankful for how lucky we were in finding each other. I had found the perfect woman for me and she had found the perfect man for herself.
So, for 12 years, that had become the nexus of my personality. My relationship was the power core of my happy being, my strength, the source of an ‘inner smile’, almost to the point of being a bit cocky. I was supremely content with my life, I felt untouchable. All of this showed in my manners, and I always made very good friends who often told me my happiness was infectious and they loved it.
I am telling you guys all this just to give you an idea of how hard I fell, and how deep it cuts, and even today, nearly four weeks later, how I still find it extremely hard to even believe.
So we met this couple who had just moved in close to us, nearly a year and a half back, through some common friends. We clicked very well from the start, and three of us (the guy, his wife, and me) quickly became very close. My wife, being the harder to reach person took another few months to open up completely, but soon we became a very closely knit group, with strong relationships in all directions for all 4 people. We would be together at least two nights of the weekend without fail, sometimes even as much as even 3-4 times a week. We shared all sorts of common interests, took vacations together and they too, seemed like a perfect couple, very happy, very much into each other. So life had taken another fortunate step forward, we had found some great friends, which added further joy to our lives.
Then, in late November this year, we arranged a camping trip to celebrate the guy’s birthday. We had other people with us, a larger group. late that night when everyone had passed out, including myself, I got up to piss, and saw the two of them having sex on the ground, less than six feet away from my tent. I was shocked, stunned, sweating; I couldn't believe it, I couldn't move, I couldn't shout even though I wanted to. I heard them talk afterwards, as they were so near, and they mentioned about at least three previous times they had done this.
A part of me though was aware of not making a scene there and make this a public matter with so many people around, to keep my shame as private as possible I cannot say how I passed that night, cold, I had this deep sinking feeling in the bottom of stomach, as I did last only when my father died. I obviously couldn't sleep and was so numb I wasn't even angry. I don’t know how I unpacked in the morning and drove back all the way, trying not to look at anyone as I couldn't face the world. Once back, I gave my wife time to speak up. Even though she knows me very well and kept asking what's wrong (due to how I was), I just said that I am tired and didn't sleep well last night; she did not speak up.
Late next evening, having given her nearly a day to come clean, I decided that it was time for me to face the reality. And I decided that I owed it to my good friend, the guy’s wife, to tell her the truth. I thought that was the right thing to do, and that she would be the only one who would understand my my condition at this time. Needless to say it shattered her beyond words and said she wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't said I had seen it myself.
After this I drove back home and confronted my wife. The panic on her face was palpable. To her credit, she did not deny anything, accepted the facts and did not even make excuses.
She told me that it had been going on for 8-9 months during which they had had sex 4 times, and made out one time before that. She went on to tell me that twice it was in our house, while me sleeping in the bedroom, and that the third time (the first time they had sex) was when we all took a vacation together, on the balcony of the suite we were are all sharing, again with his wife and myself in our rooms right next to it. On one of the times in my house, his wife was also passed out on the couch in our living room.
Even after 4 weeks, it is so hard for me to type this, much less believe this. The home, the marriage, the love that was the heart and soul of my existence had been destroyed. Even today, I feel like all that I have left in my life is my job and my material belongings. All my happiness and joy stemmed exclusively from this amazing bond that I was in.
She has been shattered since then, seems extremely repentant and to me demonstrates clearly a full understanding of the what she has done to me. She has often cried hysterically (she has never done that in 12 years, not even near) and when she talks to me she herself says to me exactly how I feel inside.
So her reasons for doing this are what I thought I need to understand first of all. She says that she did it for the thrill and excitement of something new and different, which she hasn't felt in years. She says that she was intoxicated by the fact that someone else wanted her that way other than me, it gave her validation and assurance, especially since she's getting older (she is 37); and that felt really good to be able to see that she can still be attractive to someone. She has told me that they never chatted or texted, it only happened 4 times because it only happened when the opportunity arose, and that they never looked for it or seeked it. That it was purely the thrill of the act not even the sex itself, which was always short and hurried due to the circumstances. I believe a lot of what she’s saying, but then I don’t really know what to believe, and even if these things are true, she still ended up doing what she did. We have talked at lengths about all of it, what it means , why it happened and so on. I know she hates herself for destroying all the good she had for some excitement, but I can see how she senses the huge loss too, have seen her up at night crying and or just sitting in the living room staring at space.
I've been reading books, articles, research papers, journals and forums; on human psychology, researches on the mindsets of people who cheat, surveys, personal experiences of people like you folks here, and their findings etc. I can see the why of it, and the psychological profile of people who become like that due to childhood problems and complexes. But I still did not deserve what came my way.
Two days ago I moved out of the house to give myself time away from all the triggers in the house so I can get a clearer head to think my options. I can not believe that I had to leave my fortress, my sanctuary, my temple, to help me with anything. Its so painful I can not put it in words.
There are only three choices here; 1) I walk away now without trying anything further. 2) I walk away some time from now, having tried and failed 3) rebuild this successfully having tried and succeeded.
Only thing is, I have lost my sense of right and wrong, or to know what's right and wrong. I cannot say what the right thing or the right choice is anymore. I now even don't know what my point was here, but it felt good letting it out.
So if any of you good folks have gotten this far through this, and have any advice for me from your experiences or otherwise, I would be glad and very thankful, will take anything right now, i'm so lost.
