SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

They are not in touch I am certain of that, also the fact that they have both been out of town for at least past two weeks.

Hey Red,

they are both out of town?

Where are they both suppose to be at?

Is it for work?

How do you know if they are not meeting somewhere?

Do you have GPS on her cell phone?

I do have a lot of questions, but I think the answers can mostly be found here in this site plus in the recommended books. About how to heal, about how she can contribute to the healing etc. I have been hearing a lot about the 180, going to search what it is and see if its something for me.

What are your questions?

As for how you can heal, that can only take time. A lot of time to process the shock, a lot of time to get over the shock.

Being lied to is devastating and that takes a lot of time to get over.

The 180 is usually done if the WW does not get it, if she refuses to help you heal, if the affair goes underground and continues, if the wife does blameshifting.

In your case, I dont know if the 180 would work, unless you just want to be indifferent to her. But she has taken full blame, supposedly told you the entire truth, which of course time will tell if she has.

Why is she not at home? If you need to be alone, I can see that.

Are you sure the affair is over. Yes, a lot of questions. Knowing you are not being lied to anymore will certainly help you heal.

One of your questions might be the WHY she did this, and that will take her time to figure it out, or it could be as simple as she wanted to. As to the why she wanted to is another question.

Another question might be how can she be sure this never happens again.

How can she help you heal, by being totally honest and totally transparent. There is not much else other than time, a hell of a long time.

How did she react at your anger, finally getting angry?

craig2001

Thank you for you advice.

She reacted very humbly to my anger actually, took it all, agreed with, showed regret and remorse and apologized.

I haven't been able to reply earlier again due to my state of mind, has not been very conducive to a good discussion.

any other tips/articles or anyone that can lend tips from therapists they might have seen, towards healing?

I remember someone earlier mentioned that but never replied back.

Cheers for you thoughts and strength everyone. May you all have a very happy New Year, no matter what the circumstances.

I agree with Craig and tomuchdrama. Good questions by both

If you wind up in R or D you’re doing the correct thing now. Divorce has to be on the table. People that offer R right out of the gate are making a huge mistake. If all you get is a slap on the wrist then what you did must not have been all that bad.

She reacted very humbly to my anger actually, took it all, agreed with, showed regret and remorse and apologized.

Why does she get credit for that? If she doesn’t want a divorce how else could she act? You caught her in the act of intercourse. She can’t spin things at all. She can’t do the normal “we only kissed; I just gave him a BJ” etc.

If you’re caught inside a bank at night with money stuffed in your pockets how are you going to act in front of the judge? Answer: Just like her.

any other tips/articles or anyone that can lend tips from therapists they might have seen, towards healing?

RedBaron, some other things to look at.

I read the book "Deep Survival" some years ago, where it talked about how people survive catastrophes like plane crashes or getting lost. I immediately saw the parallels to discovering infidelity, where you find yourself instantly lost in a hostile emotional landscape every bit as stressful (though maybe not quite as life-threatening) as getting dropped into a jungle. So here's the 12 points, and they are generally valid:

http://www.securitywhip.com/2010/07/18/the-12-rules-of-survival/

1. Perceive and Believe

Don’t fall into the deadly trap of denial or of immobilizing fear. Admit it: You’re really in trouble and you’re going to have to get yourself out.

2. Stay Calm – Use Your Anger

In the initial crisis, survivors are not ruled by fear; instead, they make use of it. Their fear often feels like (and turns into) anger, which motivates them and makes them feel sharper.

3. Think, Analyze, and Plan

Survivors quickly organize, set up routines, and institute discipline.

4. Take Correct, Decisive Action

Survivors are willing to take risks to save themselves and others. But they are simultaneously bold and cautious in what they will do.

5. Celebrate your success

Survivors take great joy from even their smallest successes. This helps keep motivation high and prevents a lethal plunge into hopelessness. It also provides relief from the unspeakable strain of a life-threatening situation.

6. Be a Rescuer, Not a Victim

Survivors are always doing what they do for someone else, even if that someone is thousands of miles away. There are numerous strategies for doing this.

7. Enjoy the Survival Journey

It may seem counterintuitive, but even in the worst circumstances, survivors find something to enjoy, some way to play and laugh.

8. See the Beauty

Survivors are attuned to the wonder of their world, especially in the face of mortal danger. The appreciation of beauty, the feeling of awe, opens the senses to the environment.

9. Believe That You Will Succeed

It is at this point, following what I call “the vision,” that the survivor’s will to live becomes firmly fixed.

10. Surrender

Yes you might die. In fact, you will die — we all do. But perhaps it doesn’t have to be today. Don’t let it worry you. Forget about rescue. Everything you need is inside you already.

11. Do Whatever Is Necessary

Survivors have a reason to live and are willing to bet everything on themselves. They have what psychologists call meta-knowledge: They know their abilities and do not over or underestimate them. They believe that anything is possible and act accordingly.

12. Never Give Up

Survivors are not easily discouraged by setbacks. They accept that the environment is constantly changing and know that they must adapt. When they fall, they pick themselves up and start the entire process over again, breaking it down into manageable bits.

You've been given a glimpse behind the curtain of someone you thought you knew, and it might be a good time to contemplate the difference between belief and facts, and what is the real truth of your relationship with your wife. Consider this approach...Naikan Therapy.

http://www.todoinstitute.org/naikan3.html

I haven't been able to reply earlier again due to my state of mind, has not been very conducive to a good discussion.

Brother, not every discussion is a "good" discussion. In fact, they don't really have to be. Often enough, when we work through problems, we get it wrong before we get it right. Trial and error can be a natural part of any process and it certainly applies when surviving infidelity.

Feel free to vent, ask questions, write whatever is on your mind, however foolish and crazy. If you go back and read some of my earliest posts you might conclude that I was totally unhinged.

(some might argue that I still am)

Never fear, man. We've all BTDT and we know that infidelity is crazy-making shit.

@tomuchdrama

Sorry if I did not communicate correctly. Byt 'them' I meant the guy and his wife. Mine has just moved to hotel close to home, as I stated earlier.

how are you feeling now?

Ive been feeling worse than ever really.

I decided that I was going to be the focus and work on myself, but haven't been doing too well on that front. Like I said, restarted smoking, quit working out, and now even work is getting effected because I am unable to focus.

My therapist has given my some techniques to help clear my mind etc so now working on those.

Also finally went to the gym last night, so I guess one step at a time.

And today is what is supposed to by our 10th wedding anniversary .......

That's it man, one step at a time.

Anniversaries suck, but that pain will diminish with time.

You're doing well, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Hang in there. It is going to be hard; there will be highs and lows. You won't know how the day will turn out. This is one of the things I have had to come to grips with. I have some great days, where I am productive only to be followed by days where I can't seem to bring myself out of bed. Hang in there. Just continue to work on yourself. Forgive yourself if you fall short. You are early in (much like me.) Are there any updates with your WS and you? Take care as best as you can.

Also finally went to the gym last night, so I guess one step at a time.

That's all we can do brother. Just one foot in front of the other day after day. Stay strong.

TheRedBaron,

As I'm sure you know, MrsRB has been posting in the Wayward forum and has been getting some tough love and 2x4's.

But how are you doing? How are you feeling?

Hoping all is as well as could be as you navigate through this whole mess.

-W

I was wondering the same things yesterday. I hope you are doing ok.

C

Hello,

I haven't posted here in some time because I honestly have not been in any state of mind to write anything of any value.

As you said Walloped, I am doing as well as can (I think). Its been really really tough, but I am trying my best to put myself back together.

Finally got a solid week in at the gym, so, proud of that, and it honestly felt good. Still struggling with an old enemy in shape of smoking, but as my IC said, one thing at a time.

My work has suffered immensely over this time, to the point that it became quite critical, so I eventually got myself together enough to clean up most of the shit I had piled up, which has kept me extremely busy for the past month or so, and it was extremely hard, with my mind and heart all over the place.

Well that's the update from my end, taking life one day at a time for now, it makes it less stressful and easier to chew for me for now.

I am very thankful for your concern and kindness, all of you, it is something to truly appreciate; the kindness of completely anonymous strangers, when those closest to you have ripped you to pieces so mercilessly.

Thank you all again for your support and kindness. I would have been in a far worse place today without it.

TheRedBaron,

Great to hear from you! And so happy your are slowly doing things for yourself - going to the gym and getting work more organized and cleaned up. My work also suffered after DDay (my admin cleared whatever meetings she could as I had myself locked in my office crying for the first 2 weeks or so and was in no shape to attend or run them). So getting the seemingly mundane parts of life back in order is a real positive step. It may not seem like it, but it is.

Of course it doesn't address the central issue - the shitstorm you now find yourself in and the emotional rollercoaster that comes along with it. But...baby steps. And as you said, one day at a time.

I do hope you are in some sort of counseling to help you deal with it (I needed meds to help me sleep, fend off anxiety attacks, and am still in IC).

TheRedBaron - We've been there. We hear you. And if you need us, please do not hesitate to reach out for advice, support, or just to vent.

Sending you strength.

Keep posting here, RB.

While you may not think it has any value, it does. It helps us provide you advice, guidance and support. It will also help you as you journey through this mess, because you'll be able to look back to see where you were. That really helps, trust me (us).

I'm glad you're getting the ship righted by getting into the gym and focusing on yourself a bit. Keep it up.

At this point you're probably largely over the shock. What are your plans at this point?