SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Anyway I exposed her affair to her and my family and she was served today at work. She came home sobbing looking for me but I was still at work. Now at my parents house wondering what to do and barely answering her texts.

Great progress, keep it up.

For now, keep your distance and NC if at all possible.

Let her come to you in person if needed, but do not console her.

Shouldn't Manuel be maintaining his residence at the jointly held home? Looking back at an early post, WW wanted him out - let's not underestimate WW's potential ability to strategize? Just a concern - Manuel is doing awesome!

How are your families reacting now? Have you let her know you know she is still in contact with her new boyfriend?

She must quit her job for reconciliation. There can be zero contact to kill the affair. Is that what she is texting you about?

He needs to maintain residence but a night or three will not make a difference. Paramount is seperation and emotional distance, both faciliatated by distance

Right Shark - Definitely distance right now is good and maybe the physical home presence is more of a concern if there are children and custody issues involved, not a concern for Manual . . . . .

Shock & Awe. Very good. The cherry on top would have been to file a complaint with HR. Getting called into HR to answer embarrassing questions would further add to the sting.

It would have been good for you to have a VAR in the room that she tends to do her talking and in her car. Most communication is done by talking not texting. Just looking at call records that show she's calling OM won't let you know what is being said.

You know she's going to reach out to him or he'll reach out to check on her. The question is, is it to call it quits or is she going to try to latch onto the new branch?

You mentioned that her parents really care about you. What did her parents say? When exposing to parents, it has to be done delicately. Their natural instinct is to go into protection mode. That's why it's critical that you approach them in a help me fight for the marriage.

Surround yourself with those who love you. Times like these you need moral support. Do NOT think you did anything wrong or that you're less than. This is all on her.

I exposed her affair to her and my family and she was served today at work. She came home sobbing looking for me but I was still at work. Now at my parents house wondering what to do and barely answering her texts.

I think your goal is to move forward out of infidelity.

When you engage with her, it is OK to tell her you love her and want to stay married, BUT:

1. It is unacceptable to stay in a marriage with you and her AND her boyfriend. UNACCEPTABLE.

2. You will be willing to change to improve the marriage, but NOT if she is still in contact with her boyfriend. UNACCEPTABLE.

3. The divorce process is long and can stop or even dropped altogether, but she has been with you for 14 years and she has been with her boyfriend for 4 months, it is disrespectful to you for her to keep in contact with her while claiming she wants the marriage. It is UNACCEPTABLE.

Stay with this:

When you confront her, tell her that she has complete control of herself, and you don't want to control her. But you can control yourself, too, and you don't want to be in a 3-way relationship. It is unacceptable to you. You would be willing to re-commit to the marriage in good faith, if she did, but in no way if there is a third person in the marriage. UNACCEPTABLE. You will re-commit to the marriage if she drops the other man and gives you evidence that she has ended it, otherwise you are moving forward. You will not tell her what you plan to do, but it might include divorce, and you will do whatever you want to do when you are ready to do it. You make no promise that you will be willing to work on the marriage in the future. Your feelings are changing up and down every day, and you might decide you don't want to bother if she pushes you further.

Tell her you don't care if she calls it an "affair" or a "friendship" or a "flirtation" or whatever the hell she wants to call it, it is UNACCEPTABLE.

Do not give any ultimatums, let her know you are moving on, then distance yourself from her, detach, be polite, but do not talk with her of your relationship, the future, nothing but mundane chores, finances, or small talk, nice weather, isn't it. Be as happy as you can. If you can't detach, if you can't stay with her unless you are angry or sad, then stay out of the house more, come in late, go to bed, then go to work. If she wants to talk with you about the relationship, ask her if she did what you asked - drop him and give you evidence. If no, then tell her, "I have nothing to say. I refuse to be in a marriage with three people."

Maintain the mantra you used the other night. Tell her she needs to break up with her boyfriend. When she says she has had no contact with him, roll your eyes. If she pushes you on it, tell her you need to see the evidence that she has broken up with him. Do not go to marriage counseling if she has not broken it off with him. Tell her there is no marriage to save if she still has a boyfriend. Ask her what she would do if you had a serious girlfriend who you wouldn't break up with.

Use those types of phrases as a mantra when you have to engage.

Way to go manualgtr!

Oops...duplicate post.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 1:23 AM, January 16th (Monday)]

Damn wk56, you're good

I exposed her affair to her and my family and she was served today at work. She came home sobbing looking for me but I was still at work. Now at my parents house wondering what to do and barely answering her texts.

OK......now what!?

How is your ego? Is everyone on your side? Are you back in control? Is your wife back to being timid, afraid, ashamed, having low self esteem, needing you? If not, then divorce her?

Get my point?

I agree with your actions to date, but don't push it too far.

Your mission was to break the fog (and force her to reflect).

Hopefully your shock and awe actions to date has accomplished this.

You must now communicate, listen, and learn in order to reconcile.

She needs to work on her personality faults. IMO, a WS's personality faults that lead to a WS having an affair are often enabled by the BS opposite personality traits. I'm not saying you were wrong, just, if you want your WS to change and become healthy, you likely will need to change a contribute to an overall healthy mix.

[This message edited by still-living at 8:23 AM, January 15th (Sunday)]

I disagree with Still-Living here.

It's not on him to communicate, listen and learn and I am not even sure reconciliation is in the cards for him.

This is all on her and he's doing great. Let's not stunt his momentum.

She (his WW) is the one who better be crawling back on her knees here to regain his trust, not the other way around.

He is operating like a gang buster right now and I think that's great

I hate the scorched-earth, wife-is-an-eternal-slut, no-way-back, make-her-wear-a-burka-and-walk-three-paces-behind-you-for-eternity policy…

I think you are doing great so far manualgtr.

But what’s your goal?

If you want to divorce, then go ahead and see it through. I can guarantee you that NOTHING you can do will hurt her the way her affair hurt you. Getting revenge or even isn’t even remotely possible. So, if you want to divorce then simply file and then work at a realistic divorce settlement. Be real and you can be out of this marriage in 3-6 months, feel OK within 12 and perfectly fine in less than 18 months.

If you want a shot at reconciling, then what still-living is saying has merit.

Basically, you are telling her “while you are in infidelity I am moving on out of infidelity”. But what if she comes to you and asks what she needs to do for the marriage to survive? What if she agrees to accountability, openness, accountable NC and transparency? What if she accepts all the factors you need to trust reconciliation is possible?

I think you should stick to your guns unless she agrees to what you need. But be certain that your demands are based on what your marriage needs – not you. ANY factor based on revenge must go out. You want a wife, not a concubine. You want her to be there because she wants to, not because she’s forced to.

I sometimes suggest a BS tries to see his spouse as two people: the WW and the W. Do what you can to support the W but be as hard as nails in all aspects regarding the WW.

Bigger, wk55, and still are on the right path here.

You have done SO DAMN WELL, in my opinion. Better than I did.

Keep in mind what they are saying here though. Actions and intent should be aligned.

You have done the necessary actions that promote her pulling her head out of her ass. Anything punitive past this needs to be considered carefully as to what YOUR goals are. If she wakes up, you will have some decisions to make.

Also, keep in mind, that if you decide to try and patch things up with your wife... that is not a guaranteed thing. You are allowed to void that agreement any second of any day. She treated her marriage vows in far less regard than that.

If you do decide to leave, and that you are just done... don't linger. "NC" your wife and start moving on for you.

Great job!!! I hope you stay the course. You are young and have no kids, make a clean break while you have the chance. She has NO respect for you, she is cruel and broken.

I finally filed after doing the pick me dance for nearly a year. One year wasted living in complete misery. My WW is begging for another chance and now she has her dad lobbying me for reconciliation. I told him that he is not the one that has to live with her, I shouldn't have to suffer from an abusive marriage.

Stay the course, stay strong, do not take anymore abuse.

Manualgtr, stay or go is your choice. We can give you opinions all day long. In the long run, we aren't living your life. I'm usually pro R, but i try not to sway people to my opinion on that. She has a lot of work to do. You stay on the path you choose. This is no one's choice but your own. Will you be able to live with yourself if she is truly remorseful and you leave anyway? Is she truly Remorseful or ashamed of getting caught? You've got some hard decisions to make. I am so proud of you. Keep it up!

[This message edited by Wool94 at 1:33 AM, January 16th (Monday)]

Thank you Bigger for clarifying my post. You understood my point exactly. My ability to transfer my thoughts into words is challenging for me.

I would like to add that for those attempting to reconcile from an affair, that being a better BS is essentially being a better parent until the WS grows the f_ck up, out of the fog. Anger and Ego must be held within reason or they start becoming counterproductive. Instead, establishing clear boundaries, expectations, maintain consistency, and levying fair consequences will be more effective. But at the same time, the BS needs to listen, reflect, and consider. Through time I discovered a lot I didn't understand about my WS. I needed to assist rather than enable her bad behavior.

Way to stay on top of it and keep the pressure on. Do you have a chance? Who knows. That depends on you and your WW.

I will say that you seem to be young. If you are employed, fit, and loyal, you will be a hot commodity. I mean a HOT commodity.

There is a never ending sea of people out there that would be happy to be with you. Don't let fear of not being with a cheating spouse hold you back if that's what you want.

You are so fresh into this, you are all over the place. Can you fix it? Very possible. However, you are going to know what she was about to do and how she CONTINUED to choose OM over you even after discovered. After she knows the absolute PAIN she inflicted on you, she has stayed in contact with OM.

Is that someone you can ever trust again?

Some WSs are worth another chance. Yours has not proven even a shred of that so far.

Well I have found out that on January 2nd and 3rd she and the OM went back to his house while I was still at work. Dday was December 31st. It's pretty obvious what that means. Who's the chump... this guy.

[This message edited by manualgtr at 9:06 AM, January 16th (Monday)]

MGTR,

Guess it's pretty obvious what that means. What a fucking chump I am

Everyone is a chump at some stage...serving/exposing at work means you are no longer a chump...and this latest news means that you were smart to have done that.

Now to see if serving her gets her out of her la la land dream world.

Stay strong.